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Internet Oracularities #1493

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Internet Oracularities #1493    (21 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 2012 08:47:25 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1493
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1493  21 votes 14457 15474 5a420 1513b 68232 24861 16671 16662 03864 17256
1493  3.1 mean  3.6   3.4   2.1   3.9   2.4   3.0   3.0   3.1   3.5   3.4


1493-01    (14457 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do you get all the supplicants with crazy, stupid names? Or is
> it one supplicant with all those names? I'm referring to this list
> I've assembled from my work for you over the years, as I toil in your
> carnation wearhouse:
>
>  Harmswaggle W. Foggmorton
>  Earnest "Lightpole" Flycatcher
>  Leegle Summons, JD
>  Natasha X. Williamsonburg
>  Alfonso Curioso
>  Zelda Pruneswallow
>  Xerxes X. Xanthippe
>  Javier Xavier
>  Todomundo Youtophia
>
> Those are just a few of them. Granted, you get requests from people
> everywhere, dozens or thousands every day, but the ones yclept Jane
> Smith or Harvey Jones never see fit to reveal their names. On the
> other hand, idiots who have been blessed or baptized with silly,
> dactylic or sesquipedalian nomenclature can hardly wait to destroy
> their anonymity. "Harmswaggle W. Foggmorton" indeed! I wonder what his
> (or her) name really was?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Higgledy piggledy,
} Yes, they are pseudonyms.
} Their true identities?
} Who needs to know?
}
} Who cares to read about
} Garden-variety
} Names such as Johnny and
} Mary and Joe?
}
} Plus, they have reasons to
} Maintain their privacy.
} Outcasts and misfits by
} Word and by deed,
}
} Overpromiscuous
} (Some), they need secrecy.
} As a ferinstance, well,
} Here's one to read:
}
} Harmswaggle Foggmorton
} Wrote to the Oracle:
} "Whores do not satisfy,
} Answer me, quick!"    ** redacted
}
} Thus spake the Oracle:
} "Suffer not, supplicant,
} Autofellatio
} Will do the 'trick'."
}
} There, you can see that the
} Oracle answers the
} Questions Dear Abby won't
} Touch with a pole
}
} (Ten foot or otherwise).
} Now that I've answered this,
} You owe the Oracle
} Praise for his role.


1493-02    (15474 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Charles DeGaulle said that in order to become the
> master, the politician poses as the servant.  If
> one truly wishes to serve the public, then must
> one pose as master?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mais oui!
}
} Think of the waiter in your local French restaurant, or <<restaurant
} francais>> as the sign out in front says. (There's a stringy little
} comma hanging from the "c" but ignore it, because it's only purpose is
} to intimidate you.)
}
} The French waiter is there to serve you. To serve you a French dinner.
} He lives for the chance to serve mankind. But how does he do this?
}
} He looks down his French nose, honks some words in French, and waits
} impatiently for you to reply. Clearly his masterly pose is intended to
} intimidate you into ordering something adventuresome, something that,
} were it translated, you would never allow it to think of touching your
} lips. Frogs' eyeballs stuffed with snail eggs or something like that.
} This is his mission, to get you to try the specialite du maison,
} without a soupcon of suspicion of what it is. (The soupcon also has one
} of those stringy commas on the c, for no apparent reason.)
}
} You ask for a bowl of the soupcon. The waiter sneers disapprovingly.
}
} You point to the item on the bottom of the menu. At least it does not
} have an outrageous price listed beside it. The waiter disappears, and
} shows up again with another man two minutes later. You discover that
} you have just ordered the chef. The waiter relaxes, basking in his
} accomplishment. He knows that in about 30 more seconds you will order
} the frogs' eyeballs stuffed with snail eggs. It will cost you $175 to
} get out of the restaurant, and you will recommend it to your friends.


1493-03    (5a420 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I see any symbols in the shared library with nm? (this is on
> AIX). Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first of all, you should already have finished reading this
} excellent synopsis of the details of shared objects:
}
} http://www.ibm.com/developerworks/library/l-shobj/
}
} Additionally, you should be using the 'file' command to ascertain that
} your object is what you think it is. For example, if you say
}
} file `which nm`
}
} you will find that nm's binary is stripped.
}
} There is a good chance that
}
} nm -D `which nm`
}
} will give you exactly what you are seeking.
}
} You owe the Oracle some nice Ziljian cymbals, or (failing that) Avedis
} Ziljian's formula for making base metals into gold. NOT the opposite,
} please! The Oracle has mistakenly turned too much gold into lead. How
} do you think he got stuck in this question business, anyway?


1493-04    (1513b dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the cake a lie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                          The Hardly Boys
}                                in
}                     The Pusillanimous Portal
}
} Chapter 1
}
} Joe Hardly stared at his darker-haired older brother.  "What
} does pusillanimous even mean, Frank?  It sounds dirty."
}
} "Got me," Frank Hardly said to his younger, lighter-haired
} brother, "they just come up with the title and we go with
} it.  Anyway, I have a hunch that Dad has been kidnapped by
} spies."
}
} "Why would he be kidnapped?" asked the blond younger brother
} Joe Hardly.  "Maybe he's just out on a case.  Or maybe he went
} to the bank - I saw him making goo-goo eyes at that new female
} secretary the other day - imagine that, women working in
} banks nowadays.  Besides, he's only been gone for ten minutes."
}
} "I told you.  It's a HUNCH.  Let's go," exclaimed the older
} yet much browner-haired Frank Hardly.
}
} The two boys, both hirsute but the younger with much lighter-
} hued tresses than the elder, ran outside to their motorcycles,
} which they had bought with the 'reward' money earned in their
} previous adventure, "The Case Of The Suspiciously Friendly Old
} Man Down At The End Of High Street At The Other End From Where
} They Live."
}
} Their speedometers crept to twenty-five, as they raced madly
} across town.  When they reached Barmet Bay, they stopped.
} "Where are we headed, anyway?" blond Joe Hardly asked.
}
} "I don't know," brown-haired Frank Hardly said sheepishly.
}
} "Let's try the old Aperture Science building, back in Bayport
} on Shore Road.  I happened to see Dad left the phone book open
} to the 'S' page - maybe he was giving us a clue that the
} kidnappers took him there."
}
} "Or maybe he had just recently phoned that guy at the Comic
} Relief Defective Agency, Oscar Smuff."
}
} "Look, I can have hunches too, can't I?" said light-haired
} Joe.
}
} "Fine, fine, have it your own way.  Let the baby have his
} bottle, wah wah.  Let's go.  And, can we drop all the
} references to our hair for a while?" said the non-descript
} Frank Hardly.
}
} "Suits me fine and dandy," said the equally non-descript, yet
} not totally similar looking, Joe Hardly.
}
} "Smuff," Frank laughed cruelly.  "Is that even a real name?
} It sounds dirty.  Pusillanimous, even."
}
} Chapter 2
}
} Frank and Joe Hardly hopped off their motorcycles when they
} reached Shore Road.  "Look, we'd better get into the plot.
} This was supposed to be about that Portal Xbox game," stated
} Frank Hardly.
}
} Chapter 3
}
} The.
}
} Chapter 4
}
} "Do you suppose this old Aperture Science factory is haunted,
} like in a 1930's movie?" his brother Joe asked nervously.
}
} "Creepy old houses are haunted; factories are where the bad
} guys hang out, especially abandoned factories.  Get your memes
} straight," chided Frank.  "Oh, and we're only in the *1920s*.
} And finally, you don't start a chapter without an antecedent,
} for instance if you say 'his brother'."
}
} "Right, right," said Joe meekly.
}
} They tried the door handle and it opened with a creak.  They
} walked in, and after they took two steps, the door banged
} shut behind them.  They tried the handle in the pitch dark,
} and to their horror it was locked from outside now.  Clearly
} OSHA needed to come take a look at matters.
}
} A bone-chilling shriek chilled the boys nearly to the bone.
}
} "Sorry, I thought this was a Nancy Drool story for a moment,"
} Joe apologized.  "I panicked."
}
} "The writers are the same broads, for all the series," Frank
} observed wryly, forgetting he was still in scene.  "Franklin
} W. Bulwer, and Carolyn Lytton, my foot.  Too bad the publisher
} doesn't give more than 24 hours to crank these stories out.
} Practically an Internet Oracularity, these things."
}
} Frank fumbled for a moment in the dark, then snapped on his
} portable electric headlamp.
}
} "*ALL* headlamps are portable, doofus," Joe corrected.
} "Besides, why the h-e-double-toothpicks do you just happen
} to have one with you?"
}
} "It's part of the Defectives' Code, which Dad made us swear
} to, remember?  'Always bring a headlamp when entering a
} haunted factory.'"
}
} "Hah.  You said haunted, Shinola head.  It's abandoned."
}
} "Fudge you....  hey look, we're trapped.  No way out of this
} empty room."
}
} "Then I guess that's why I brought this handheld portal device,
} which Dad gave to us last week but didn't explain why."
}
} "Portable portals?  Say that fast, five times," Frank kidded.
}
} "That.  That.  That.  That.  That.  Gimme ten bucks," Joe
} responded.  Frank grudgingly handed over their standard bet.
}
} Joe aimed the device, which was handheld and was used to create
} portals, and pushed the button.
}
} Immediately a blue portal, created by the handheld device that
} Joe held in his hand, opened up in the far wall.  Or maybe it
} was orange.  Through it, the boys could see various devices,
} and in the distance could be seen the outline of a large cube.
}
} "Looks safe enough," Joe said, and jumped through.
}
} "What do you see?" Frank called through the blue portal, or
} perhaps it was orange.
}
} "Mostly devices," Joe replied through his side of the orange
} portal, or maybe blue, "not many of them handheld.  I'd guess
} they're plot devices.  And some cubes."
}
} Frank jumped through, joining his blond brother.  The portal
} disappeared behind him as he arrived.  "How did it know to
} wait until I used it too, before it closed?"
}
} "I had the setting on '2'," Joe said.  "And I thought we
} weren't going to mention the hair thing anymore."
}
} "My bad.  Hey, what's that over there?"
}
} The boys were interrupted by a disembodied voice, which was
} reasonable since there weren't any other bodies nearby except
} their own.
}
} "Unbelievable.  You, Frank and Joe Hardly, must be the pride
} of Bayport. ... Ah, I see we fixed that bug where the names
} and the home town weren't being properly rendered.  Sweet.
} This was a triumph.  I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
} It's hard to overstate my satisfaction."
}
} "Set that to music and I'll dance to it," Joe commented.
}
} "Pride of Bayport?  And how.  Chief Collig and Biff Hooper
} think we're pretty swell," Frank said.  In a stage-whisper
} aside to his brother, he snickered "Biff?  Really?!?  That's
} his first name?  Lucky he's not Oscar Smuff's kid."
}
} "And Iola Morton," Joe chimed in, "she thinks I'm the bee's
} knees too.  I'm about to get to second base with that one,
} and soon, and maybe after that I'll prove to her that I'm a
} natural blond, and show her my *own* 'Pride of Bayport', if
} I do say so myself."
}
} "You leave Iola out of this," the digitally enhanced voice
} threatened, although being disembodied it didn't really have
} a way to shake a fist or anything.
}
} "I think that disembodied yet digitally enhanced voice sounds
} strangely familiar," Frank said thoughtfully.
}
} "I think so too, I think," Joe said after a moment's thought.
}
} Suddenly Frank was toppled by a heavy yet fat person dropping
} down on him, probably from the ceiling or a rafter, no wait,
} one of those cat walks that haunted factories always have.
}
} "Abandoned," Joe reminded, "not haunted."
}
} Definitely from above, in any case.
}
} "Jeepers, Chet!" Frank wheezed, "it can't be anybody but you.
} Get off of me.  I can't breathe.  You must weigh a ton."
}
} "I'm only 130 pounds," Chet Morton, the fat butt of their
} gang's good-natured jokes and ribbings and criminal
} harassment, said in a hurt tone of voice.
}
} "Yeah, 130.  In base 16," Joe said.  "I'M FINE!" he added
} irrelevantly.
}
} "Shoot him," Frank said, "use that handheld device you've
} been holding in your hand."
}
} Joe aimed the handheld portal device squarely at the round
} figure on top of his brother.  "It's not working!" he
} exclaimed.
}
} "Safety is one of many Enrichment Center goals.  You can't
} hurt me with it," Chet Morton gloated.
}
} "Or maybe it's because you're aiming squarely and he's round,"
} said Frank.  "Never mind.  Throw one of those giants cubes at
} him."
}
} Joe did so, but the object passed through Chet Morton as
} though not even real.  "It's not even real," the guy they
} called Stringbean and Einstein behind his back and sometimes
} to his face said gloatingly.
}
} Joe looked around desperately.  In desperation, he noticed
} a three-layer chocolate cake on a serving plate.  With no
} other options, he hurled the cake desperately at their
} ex-chum.
}
} The desperate heave struck the medically obese ex-chum
} directly in the face, knocking him off of Frank.  The
} selfish tub of lard then greedily began eating the pieces
} of cake that lay about him.
}
} "That really was a cake," he gloated.  "No lie."
}
} "I was afraid it might be just a trendy rock band from
} Sacramento," said Joe.
}
} "Stop gloating," Frank said, "we've beaten you, Chet."
}
} "I'm not Chet.  I'm CHeT," said Chet, no longer gloating.
}
} "That's what Frank said," Joe said.
}
} "Do you always have to interrupt?" Frank complained.  "I
} can speak for myself.  It's not like it's super tedious if
} I get to speak twice in a row, once in a blue moon.  But
} yeah, you're name is Chet, that's what I said."
}
} "That's what *I* said," Joe grumbled sotto voce.
}
} "No.  CHeT stands for Continuous Heterodyne Test, or some
} technical sounding name, they never quite told me.  I'm
} a computer.  Oops, robot, a robot from Mars - this is,
} what, 1927?  And now you've defeated me, and all of
} Aperture Science.  We did what we must because we could.
} For the good of all of us.  Except the ones who are dead.
} Which now includes us.  Oh well, no use crying over every
} mistake, you just keep trying, 'til you run out of...."
}
} And with that, ChEt or cheT or whatever, turned himself
} off.
}
} "Didn't catch that last word, what was it?  Sake?  That's
} just Japanese rice wine.  Must have been 'steak'.  Anyway,
} kind of catchy; someone should put that to music too,"
} Joe commented with a grin.
}
} "Huh, I always figured it would be a pie that would be his
} undoing.  Not a cake," Frank observed with a grin, thinking
} about how Callie Shaw would run her fingers through his
} dark hair; she was much hotter than Iola, who shared some
} of Chet's genetics after all, though he had to admit
} that Callie came out second best to Iola in the chestal
} department.
}
} "Pretty pusillanimous of him.  Guess we should have seen
} this one coming from a mile away, considering how, in our
} adventure last time, Aunt GeRTRude turned out to be 'Genetic
} Real Time something or other,' a robot from the Moon," young
} and blond-haired Joe Hardly said with a grin, thinking about
} his next makout session with Iola.
}
} "Well, that'll be nothing, compared to our next adventure,
} 'The Case Of The Chums Who Get Locked In The Basement And
} Come Out Of The Closet,'" decrepit and dark-haired Frank
} Hardly said with a grin, thinking of his brother's imminent
} dismay when he found out first-hand that one of Iola's
} nipples was inverted.
}
} "The Aperture Science Enrichment Center is committed to the
} well-being of all participants.  Cake (no Lie!) and Grief
} Counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test.
} Thank you for helping us help you help us robots," Defective
} Fenton Hardly said to his sons with a grin, thinking about
} the sizable deposit he had just left at the bank.
}
} "Nooooooo!!!!" Frank and Joe Hardly screamed with a grin.
}
} Chapter 5
}
} The end.
}
} You owe the Oracle the recipe for chocolate coconut pecan
} peanut butter malted milk alpha resin ethyl benzene 'how
} to kill someone with your bare hands' rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb
} rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb sediment flavored fish shaped cake.


1493-05    (68232 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does the mom make botox doctors furious? What is a botox doctor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Worst. Cryptic. Crossword. Clue. EVAR!!1!
}
} You owe the Oracle mixed-up hot cereal.


1493-06    (24861 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and forgiving, please tell me, how does one
> successfully, secretly and without trace dispose of a very large sack
> full of human body parts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wait patiently in the sack until they toss you into the incinerator.


1493-07    (16671 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Adam West always seemed so sanguine and laid back. He gave no
> indication that he started out by clutching a blue flower and climbing
> to the top of a snowy Tibetan mountain to a temple with a Kung-Fu high
> priest so that Liam Neeson could beat the shit out of him and teach him
> to become a Ninja master. And to be frank, I found the whole thing to
> be faintly ridiculous and cliche.
>
> Was all that crap added years later (ie. revisionism), or was it there
> from the beginning? ie.over the years, have pious frauds expanded the
> Batman story and added lies and legends to it? Have historians and
> scholars ever produced a definitive history of Batman that peels away
> any such myths in order to get at the kernel of Batman's history? A
> "quest for the historical Batman" a la Schweitzer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}              The Quest of the Historical Adam West
}     A Critical Study of its Progress from Gorshin to Newmar
}                         by T. I. Oracle
}               with apologies to Albert Schweitzer
}
} WHEN, AT SOME FUTURE DAY, OUR PERIOD OF CIVILISATION SHALL LIE,
} closed and completed, before the eyes of later generations,
} American Television will stand out as a great, a unique,
} phenomenon in the mental and spiritual life of our time. For
} nowhere save in the broadcast temperament can there be found,
} in the same perfection, the living complex of conditions and
} factors of philosophic thought, critical acumen, historical
} insight, and outright star-worship, without which no deep
} philosophy is possible.
}
} And the greatest achievement of American Television is the
} critical investigation of the life of Adam West. What it has
} accomplished here has laid down the conditions and determined
} the course of the philosophic thinking of the future.
}
} The history of the study of the life of Adam West has hitherto
} received surprisingly little attention. Rex Reed, in his Life
} of Adam West of 1971, briefly records the previous attempts to
} deal with the subject. Gene Siskel, himself one of the most
} distinguished students in this department, in his "Progress of
} Adam West," 1997, gives some information regarding "the most
} notable biographies of West of the last thirty years." In the
} year 2000 Pauline Kael treated together the four major Lives
} of Adam West by Gorshin, Meredith, Romero and Newmar; in 2006
} Roger Ebert, in his "History of Adam West," extended an earlier
} lecture to include the works of Buono, Liberace, and Price,
} among the less celebrated early students of this topic; and he
} described, in a short essay, the progress of the study up to
} the effort of Gabor which ended the classical period of 1966-
} 1968.  A new study, "Adam West in the Twenty First-Century,"
} is in editing stages at this time.
}
} You would need years to thoroughly study and understand these
} monumental works.  However, to answer your question, Adam West
} did not need to make an arduous trek to Tibet for his training.
} He had only to travel from Walla Walla, Washington to Hawaii,
} and on the seminal TV series El Kini Popo Show a chimpanzee
} trained West in the martial arts.  Since this resulted in
} rather weak combat skills, West apparently devised the Pow!,
} Bam! and Biff! motifs to trick his adversaries into believing
} they had been dealt crushing blows.
}
} Christian Bale, less cleverly, indeed did travel to Tibet to
} achieve a similar effect.  A much poorer actor, obviously.
}
} You owe the Oracle an umbrella, some greasepaint, a unitard
} with a question mark, and most importantly a catsuit.


1493-08    (16662 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O r
>   a c
>     l e
>       m o
>         s t
>           w i
>             s e
> I
>   a m
>     g o
>       i n
>         g
>           d o
>             w n
>               h i
>                 l l
>                   l a
>                     t e
>                       l y
> P l
>   e a
>     s e
>       h e
>         l p !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                                  er.
}                                                                tt
}                                                              be
}                                                            ch
}                                                          mu
}                                                        el
}                                                      fe
}                                                    ll
}                                                  u'
}                                                yo
}                                             and
}                                          day
}                                       per
}                                    ice
}                                  tw
}                                is
}                              th
}                            ke
}                          ta
}                        st
}                      Ju
}                   nt!
}                 ca
}               li
}             pp
}           Su
}         O
}       t,
}     no
}   ar
} Fe


1493-09    (03864 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...x....I....x....I....x....I....x....I....x....I....x....I....x....I..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, the supplicant's heartbeat remains steady, but the
} brain scan continues to show this:
}
} .......................................................................
}
} You owe the Oracle a word with Microsoft.


1493-10    (17256 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How was your Winter Candy Day?  What are your plans for Spring and Fall
> Candy Days?  And why is there no Summer Candy Day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Valentine's Day?  Easter and Halloween?  Why, EVERY day
} is Candy Day at the Temple of the Oracle.  We enjoy a big
} bowl of jelly beans for breakfast, chocolate bunnies for
} a mid-morning snack, starlight mints at lunch, marshmallow
} chicks in the afternoon, candy corn and circus peanuts for
} dinner, and that still leaves peppermint gumdrops for a
} late evening snack while watching TV.
}
} In other news, Lisa has been diagnosed with adult-onset
} diabetes, Zadoc died last week from insulin shock, Og's
} last tooth fell out, and I am tipping the scales at a
} svelte 790 pounds.  So we're all pretty much enjoying
} the nutritional benefits of this diet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a motorized wheelchair.


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