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Internet Oracularities #1494

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1494, 1494-01, 1494-02, 1494-03, 1494-04, 1494-05, 1494-06, 1494-07, 1494-08, 1494-09, 1494-10


Internet Oracularities #1494    (19 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 16 Mar 2012 09:57:39 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1494
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1494  19 votes 33841 34750 14482 23635 14554 03853 12745 10765 05644 01648
1494  3.4 mean  2.8   2.7   3.3   3.3   3.4   3.4   3.5   3.7   3.4   4.0


1494-01    (33841 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> must i buy a lexus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely!  You don't want to buy the Oracle a second-rate station
} wagon, do you?


1494-02    (34750 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Know any good CAPTCHAs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question is incorrect. Please refresh the answer.


1494-03    (14482 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why was Chuck Norris singled out when Chuck Norris joke paradigm was
> implemented? He doesn't seem all that macho, which is probably why he
> had to learn martial arts. Wouldn't a better choice have been
> Sylvester Stallone, or Arnold Schwarzenegger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, a better choice would be yours truly.
}
} Chuck Norris is undeniably as strong as an ox.
} The Internet Oracle is even stronger than a skunk.
}
} Chuck Norris is a smart cookie.  The Internet
} Oracle is a miraculous creme brulee.
}
} Through rigorous physical training, Chuck Norris
} has climbed the stairway to success.  The Internet
} Oracle single-handedly lifts the express elevator
} to Easy Street (which, as you know, is the network
} I built of skyways connecting the 50th floor of
} every skyscraper in the world).
}
} Chuck Norris is so limber he can kiss his own
} elbow.  Lisa once caught The Internet Oracle
} having an affair with the back of his knee.
}
} Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.  The
} Internet Oracle created an infinite number of
} Aleph numbers, an infinite number of times.
}
} Chuck Norris is a meme.  The Internet Oracle has
} existed since before cats lol'ed at their first
} cheezburger and before Rick ever got rolled -
} and btw, ugh, Hipsters only using the Oracle's
} service ironically are soooo mainstream now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a round house.


1494-04    (23635 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the secret to Habu's success?  You just don't get that good
> overnight, like in that one sci-fi story I read once.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The shogi champion?  He worked at it, from a very
} early age.  That's the usual secret.  Very little
} is ever overnight.
}
} I know the story you are referring to.  Here it is
} again, to refresh your memory.
}
}                 Flowers for Zadoc
}                   A True Story
}              By The Internet Oracle
}
} Chapter 1.
}
} orrie says i shud rite down what i think and evrey
} thing that happins to me from now on, i dont know
} why but he says its importint so thay will see if
} thay will use me as a inkarnashun, i hope thay
} use me, miss lisa says maybe thay can make me
} smart, i want to be smart, my name is zaaaadok,
} i am 333333337 years old, i have nuthing more to
} rite now so i will close for today
}
} Chapter 2.
}
} Wow!  The powder I snorted worked fast!  I dashed
} off eleven replies to supplicants in eleven minutes,
} on topics ranging from Quantum Mechanics to literary
} deconstruction - each with a twist - none involving
} NetHack.  One of them has already been Oracularized,
} whilst the other ten were a bit over the heads of
} the priests; maybe I'll start a Sore Loser page.
}
} Chapter 3.
} ops, teh medasin wor off alredy, please tell mr og
} not to be such a grouch when pepul laff at him and
} he would have more frends, i wish i cud make pepul
} laff agin
} ps pleeze if you get a chanse put some flowrz on
} zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadoks brekfust tabul, thay tast gud
}
} You owe the Oracle Cliff Robertson's autograph.


1494-05    (14554 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does computer programming have to be done in English? Indeed, why
> do I have to write to you in English if you're so delightfully
> omniscient?
>
> What I mean is, my native language is Ruthenian, or it would be if I
> were born under the correct sign. My mistake is probably that my mom
> says I was born under a sign that said NO SMOKING. She was really
> frustrated, trying to light a secret cigarette, and suddenly I
> appeared. My mom is weird.
>
> Still, I would be much happier if I could write functional specs in
> Ruthenian.
>
> What would have been a better sign?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'scanf("%s",xpr);' looks like English to you?
}
} The Oracle can of course read in any language;
} however, Zadoc screens the questions as they
} come in, and the priests review the answers
} as they go out, and together they seem a bit
} limited in their comprehension.  So my answers
} to non-English questions rarely see the light
} of day.  Blame Babelfish.
}
} Since your grovels resemble an opening bit for
} open-mike night at the local comedy dungeon, I
} suggest "STOP" as a better sign for you.
}
} As for the functional specs, you can write them
} in Ruthenian if you wish to.  The coders are
} all multi-lingual - they will ignore the specs
} in any language equally.
}
} You owe the Oracle una sigaretta del mentolo
} und eine Mentholzigarette.


1494-06    (03853 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Internet filtering system now filters out nothing!  Should I be
> pleased, now that it no longer filters out words like "institution" or
> "title" for no reason, or alarmed that I might stumble onto something
> bad by accident?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seems to be working OK.  The text had "intercourse"
} and "tittie" originally, but the filter fixed it up
} for you good and proper.
}
} You owe the Oracle a menagerie at Troy.


1494-07    (12745 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most technically knowledgeable: As Your omsicience is spread
> across so many Incarnations, how do you ensure that Incarnations
> recieve the question they are meant to answer, and not someone else's?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FAILURE NOTICE.  Sorry, we were unable to deliver
} your message to the following address:
}   make_money_fast_yes_for_real@yahoo.com
} Remote host said: 554 delivery error: This user's
} account has been removed.


1494-08    (10765 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have you ever considered experimenting with being un-omniscient, just
> to discover what it would be like?
>
> I mean, that would be the ultimate in testing your omniscience, like if
> you didn't know but then you found out, and you learned that there
> really was something you didn't know, and it was about not knowing. Are
> we convoluted yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I didn't know such a stupid question was possible.  Yep,
} I think you've done it.  Thanks, it was interesting to
} learn the limits of omniscience.
}
} You owe the Oracle a return ticket for a Mobius trip.


1494-09    (05644 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hope I don't come across as being too anal but I'd just like to
> deep-throatedly support Rick Santorum and his campaign.
> Here's hoping he doesn't hit bottom or pull out too soon, and
> instead thrusts us deeply into the AMERICAN FUTURE

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Giggity.
}
} Say, how come all the good double-entendres are about sex?
} I like sex as much as the next registered offender, but I
} also enjoy a good hike in the mountains.  How come (no,
} not a sexual reference) we rarely see something like this?
}
}    I hope I don't come across as some kind of bushwhacker,
}    but I'd just like to blaze a trail in support of Rick
}    Santorum and his campaign.  Here's hoping he doesn't
}    rappel to single-digits again, or overdo it on the
}    Gorp, and instead follows the cairns to his destination
}    and scales the heights for all of us into the AMERICAN
}    FUTURE.
}
} Now, wasn't that a breath of fresh air?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Boy Scout merit badge.


1494-10    (01648 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, what are the main pros and cons to our current most popular
> presidential candidates?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your question, Comrade.  Here they are:
}
} Candidate     Pros                         Cons
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Vladimir    | Gained vast experience   | Served third term posing  |
} Putin       | during first two terms   | as a man named "Medvedev" |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Gennady     | Stands firm against      | Widely suspected of being |
} Zyuganov    | aggressive imperialists  | a dirty Commie            |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Mikhail     | Rich as stink; can pay   | Owns a NASCAR team, two   |
} Prokhorov   | for military by himself  | Cadillacs, and a mafia    |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Vladimir    | Leader of Liberal-       | Is neither liberal nor    |
} Zhirinovsky | Democratic Party         | democratic                |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Sergei      | Basically the Dennis     | But not quite as          |
} Mironov     | Kucinich of Russia       | influential               |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Ivan        | Proponent of peace       | Knocked out by Rocky      |
} Drago       | through strengthsky      |                           |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Mister      | Not bound by our         | Running mate Mister       |
} Mxyzptlk    | physical laws            | Kltpzyxm drags the ticket |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} Ron         | Advocates free market,   | Viewed as a bit of a      |
} Paul        | international restraint  | dyedooshka here too       |
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a hanging chadsky.


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