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Internet Oracularities #1495

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1495, 1495-01, 1495-02, 1495-03, 1495-04, 1495-05, 1495-06, 1495-07, 1495-08, 1495-09, 1495-10


Internet Oracularities #1495    (24 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2012 10:43:15 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1495
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1495  24 votes 1a445 22992 46743 43b51 67812 65724 69720 24b43 3c351 58533
1495  2.8 mean  3.1   3.3   2.8   2.8   2.4   2.7   2.2   3.1   2.5   2.6


1495-01    (1a445 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So here I am, a freshman at Altered State University. For English
> Class the mid-term quiz had just two questions: (1) Who wrote
> Shakespeare's plays? and (2) Give a quote from anything by
> Shakespeare.
>
> So I wrote (1) Shakespeare and (2) Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble.
>
> Dr. Hashbang marked (2) wrong.
>
> Please tell me what I can say to Dr. Hashbang so that he changes his
> mind. That quote is right there in Hamlett or McBeth or somewhere. I'm
> sure it is.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I wouldn't trust anyone named Dr. Hashbang to teach
} a course on web design, but I'm afraid he's got you
} dead to rights on (2).  The quote you were thinking
} of is:
}    "Alas, poor Yorick!  He don't look so good."
}
} You owe the Oracle the phone number of a lady who
} doth not protest very much.


1495-02    (22992 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How was your day?  Mine was just peachy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So your audience ran out of rotten tomatoes and eggs again, huh?


1495-03    (46743 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would a reasonable speed limit be for
> today's best highways?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unlimited. Amphetamines only improve driving skills.


1495-04    (43b51 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> My friend said that someone called her the C word.
> What word is that?  (We're all in middle school,
> so the word can't be very bad, can it?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's "curmudgeon" of which your Oracle is one, too. She should be
} proud.


1495-05    (67812 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, most all-knowing,
> surely you are the greatest Wise Guy
> and the biggest Know-It-All there is:
>
> Last time, she wanted to swap roles:
>
> ... is that normal??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not really, but it's understandable.  I mean, who wants to cook and
} clean all day?
}
} You owe the Oracle a role reversal of his own.


1495-06    (65724 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people submit the null question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}


1495-07    (69720 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does tinnitus cause caffeine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TURN OFF THE ALARM CLOCK AND I'LL TELL YOU!!!  AARGH!!
}
} You owe the Oracle some better creative juices.


1495-08    (24b43 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> His Yardship the noble Firth of Dundee says there are three ways to
> skin a petunia.
>
> This makes no sense to me whatever.
>
> What are they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Noble Firth of Dundee, Yardship or not, is pulling your leg. There
} are FOUR ways to skin a petunia.
}
} 1) Very carefully remove the outer membranes of the plant.
}
} 2) Carefully cover the plant with the flayed hide of of an animal.
}
} 3) Cheat the petunia out of all its cash in a card game.
}
} 4) Use google to find a petunia skin download, then apply it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a petunia outfit designed by Jean Paul Gaultier.


1495-09    (3c351 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am greeble to you suggest. You send me better rnswr to laxt qwustoin
> and I sent you trimbute. What you want this time?
>
> Laxt time I send you bytes of sambwich I shove into cupholder. I
> thinking you not get, computer smell awfyl.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You see!  Switching to The Oracle(tm) is _so_ easy a caveman can do it!
}
} Og: "Not cool."
}
} You owe the Oracle ten million dollars for copyright infringement legal
} defense fees and you still owe me a trimbute sambwich.


1495-10    (58533 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've made a great discovery, Oh wise Oracle, but I need you to
> check it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry to say it, but alas it is true!
} And I am rather sorry to tell this to you,
}
} If it were not today, I'd reply with a zot,
} Followed, of course, by your being slingshot
}
} Through the window up there,
} So the birds can fly in,
}
} ... I rather do like the birds...
}
} So consider yourself lucky,
} You've all but won now,
}
} For the Oracle won't zot you,
} But you will die somehow,
}
} Leave now quite quickly!
} Leave curiosity behind!
}
} Run back to your wife, widow quickly to be,
} And deliver this message, from me to she,
}
} "Your husband will die soon, though not by my hand,
} For he had to go breathing the scent of my land,
}
} The hallucinations will take him, I'm afraid there's no doubt,
} For the man who was once your husband now is a lout,
}
} And I don't think it funny to demand him to laugh.
}
} As payment, laugh at the poor bugger for his quite foolish deed."
} --------------------------------------------
}
} That's the poem I wrote last time someone "discovered" the flowers in
} my front lawn. Step away from them, don't smell them, don't even look
} at them. Doing so will kill you.
}
} You owe Steve Kinzler a flower from one of my hallucinogenic plants.
} That will certainly be funny.


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