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Internet Oracularities #1497

Goto:
1497, 1497-01, 1497-02, 1497-03, 1497-04, 1497-05, 1497-06, 1497-07, 1497-08, 1497-09, 1497-10


Internet Oracularities #1497    (23 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 09 May 2012 12:52:37 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1497
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1497  23 votes 26357 75731 13658 14882 2a641 15665 45824 16691 23855 05747
1497  3.2 mean  3.4   2.4   3.7   3.3   2.7   3.4   2.9   3.1   3.3   3.6


1497-01    (26357 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most sanguine,
>
> I'd like to become a vampire. But can I do it without becoming a wimp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How to... become a vampire:
}
}  1. Cut garlic out of your diet.
}  2. Learn to speak in a vaguely Eastern European accent.
}  3. Get canine teeth extensions.
}  4. Wear black.
}  5. Get a cape and play peek-a-boo with strangers.
}  6. Take all the help you can and never give anything back.
}  7. Cut steak out of your diet, just to be on the safe side.
}  8. Learn to insert contact lenses without using a mirror.
}  9. Determine your blood type.  (It doesn't really matter for becoming
}     a vampire.  It's just a good idea.)
} 10. Stop going outside and use bleach for face wash.
} 11. Start carrying smoke bombs and pet bats so that you can "turn into
}     a creature of the night" at will.
} 12. Develop a taste for pig blood.  Pigs are pretty close to humans,
}     so if you ever get into the big time, you should be all set.
} 13. Buy a huge castle and a suspiciously comfortable coffin.
} 14. Live forever.  Honestly, the hard part is the first 120 years.
}     After that, it's like falling off a log.
} 15. One word: glitter.
}
} My guess is that you are getting tripped up over step #15.  Lots of
} people associate pixie dust with pre-teen girls, but that's not the
} right way to think about it.  Being a vampire is all about smoke and
} mirrors: little, tiny, smoke-like mirrors.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pint.  Not that kind of pint!  A pint of bitter,
} you buffoon.


1497-02    (75731 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> MGM proudly presents:
>
> WHEN ZADOC MET LISA.
>
> A Rob Reiner Production.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DC Comics version out next week. Buy 70 gazillion copies. I'm getting
} royalties.
}
} It's just fiction, remember. Princess Ann Droid is playing Lisa, and
} YOU are Zadoc. Don't forget to mumble incoherently when asked a direct
} question, not that you ever don't.
}
} Zadoc, stop making faces like that. The supplicant will only pretend to
} be you. He'll fall on his own face, not yours.


1497-03    (13658 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think I need help in spelling or in fixing my computer. The spell
> checker on my computer says that wierd is the wrong spelling and that
> weird is correct, and that's wrong of course because it's supposed to
> be I before E.
>
> I'd like to punch my computer in the byte, sometimes. Do you ever feel
> that way, like when incarnations try to make you look religious or in
> some other way stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoever violates the august rule of "I before E"
} should have thier head examined. Iether your computer
} was made in a foriegn country, or it uses a counterfiet
} spellchecker.
}
} In your liesure time, lift a biege driedel to sufficeint hieght
} and bring it down on the hienous machine, to riensure the riegn
} of our language, and indeed of our speceis.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stien of Budwieser, served by a giesha
} in a revealing piegnoir and dancing to a siesmic Lietmotiv.


1497-04    (14882 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since the Oracle won't die, nor rely on opinions more than facts, he's
} okay with that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Nine-Voltaire battery.


1497-05    (2a641 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's either very young cheese or very old meat.  What's
> your view?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the cirrrrrcle, the circle of li-i-i-ife.
}
} You owe the Oracle a king-sized portion.


1497-06    (15665 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I had a fun time at the Japanese festival; sorry you couldn't come.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was our parakeet's bowling night, plus I had to wash
} the attic and align the gravel in my driveway, also I've
} been a bit under the weather with all this weather we've
} been having lately, and to top it all off it was my turn
} to return the books we borrowed from the recycling plant.
} Maybe another year.
}
} You owe the Oracle a note from his doctor.


1497-07    (45824 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kinda fuel does the Oracle run on?  I was under the impression
> that it was either jokes or questions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I run on sentences you owe the Oracle an editor not the
} software kind I want a real person thank you for your
} attention in this matter.


1497-08    (16691 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Huburt Badbungle here. Huburt Vinton Badbungle, III.
>
> I know what you're thinking, "He's probably one of the Milkpenny
> Badbungles, the ones who annoy me all the time with inane questions."
> Well, it's not true. We do not know the Milkpenny Badbungles. Indeed,
> we have never even heard of them.
>
> If you could change my name, what would you call me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Normally, I would probably just call you Grasshopper or Supplicant or
} maybe something more degrading as payback for the lack of groveling.
} But it is obvious, Mr. Badbungle... um, the third, that you're no
} Milkpenny Badbungle and no ordinary supplicant.  So... what shall I
} call you from now on, former-Mr. Badbungle III, hmm?
}
} oracle@cs.indiana-K53E:$ newname -l4 "Huburt Vinton Badbungle III"
} ...........
} Choice 1:
} Uninhibited Loving Tuba Rub
} keep name? (y/n): n
} ......
} Choice 2:
} Blurt Inuit Dubbing Ivanhoe
} keep name? (y/n): n
} ................
} Choice 3:
} Gavin Intuition Duh Blubber
} keep name? (y/n): n
} .............
} Choice 4:
} Uninhibited Loving Tuba Rub
} keep name? (y/n): <hmm>  n
} ....
} Choice 5:
} Auburn Deviling Hobbit Unit
} keep name? (y/n): n
} ....................
} Choice 6:
} Giovanni Bubblier Hindu Tut
} keep name? (y/n): y
}
} Yes!  Absolutely.  I think that's as good as it will get Hubu... I
} mean, Mr. Tut.  Or can I call you Giovanni?
}
} You owe the Oracle a rose by another name.


1497-09    (23855 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you joking me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hecks no, homey amigo.  I would give you never the
} bad 411 infos.  That breasty girl over there, at the
} other bottom of the tavern stools, she have been
} give you the looking over, the up AND the down, all
} tonights.  Most sincereful, I you tell, you should
} go to her over, and buy her a drinks.  Who know, she
} may Yes Yes your prepositions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Foreigner-to-English dictionary.


1497-10    (05747 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Q: What did Picasso say on his day off?
} A: Hm, I'm drawing a blank.
}
} You owe the Oracle a palette of invisible inks.


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