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Internet Oracularities #1498

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1498, 1498-01, 1498-02, 1498-03, 1498-04, 1498-05, 1498-06, 1498-07, 1498-08, 1498-09, 1498-10


Internet Oracularities #1498    (24 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 21 May 2012 07:16:46 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1498
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1498  24 votes 24666 26673 27933 16566 04a46 16773 29634 05874 22659 13956
1498  3.3 mean  3.4   3.1   2.9   3.4   3.5   3.2   2.9   3.4   3.7   3.5


1498-01    (24666 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in
> the fridge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Somewhere, deep inside the tuna casserole that's been sitting in your
} fridge since 1992, there is a city of little people who have crawled
} out of the soup that was casserole. Those little people depend on the
} light in the fridge to grow their crops.
}
} However, when you open the fridge in the middle of the night, it
} disturbs their sleep schedule.
}
} This is why you are not supposed to have midnight snacks.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to throw the tuna casserole into the trash,
} or into the Oracle Debt Collectors Agency's Collection of Nasty
} Things.


1498-02    (26673 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> God supplicates to him.  ('Nuff said.)
>
> He is...the most interesting Oracle on the Internet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Navy Seals have him on speed dial.
}
} Respected novelists fight over his discarded
} similes.
}
} When she grows up, Dear Abby wants to be him.
}
} Countless beer companies have asked him to be
} their spokesman and been told no, translated
} into Akkadian rendered in iambic pentameter.
}
} Yet he gives replies even Zadoc can comprehend.
}
} His grovels are even better than his answers,
} but you'll never read one.
}
} "I don't always send answers by mail, but when
} I do, I send them as the Oracle.  You owe the
} Oracle to stay ignorant, my supplicants."


1498-03    (27933 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I told him not to do that, and he said it was approved. It's going to
> be a lot of trouble, so I asked my dad and he says he's not got
> permission so he's going to tell him to get the other fellow and stop
> him too. He doesn't like it, but he is going to clobber him.
>
> Now my uncle says I drop references like flypaper. But I don't like
> flypaper. Is he is going to clobber him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Decent, but it's kind of long, and the meter's off.
} You just need short lyrics for a top-40 song, and
} let the instrumental carry most of the load.  What
} about this:
}
} I told him not to do that, and
} He said it was approved.
} It's going to be a lot of fuss.
} I think we'll have to move.
}
} He's going to stop the other guy,
} I think it's a mistake.
} My uncle wants to catch a fly.
} No wonder I'm a flake.
}
} Nonsense, but no less so than what you had.
}
} You owe the Oracle 50% royalties.


1498-04    (16566 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello! My name is [makes wretched coughing noise in bottom of throat]
> but you can call me Howard Gargle. Everyone else does, except for the
> people who call me Harold Gargle.
>
> Do you think my name would be more euphonious if I were to change it
> to [makes sound of old PCC MBTA Green-Line car screeching on a tight
> curve]? People would be less likely to think I was dying. I've been
> shipped to the ER twice this week already merely for pronouncing my
> own name.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good to make your acquaintance [wretched coughing noise in bottom of
} throat].  In fact, [grinding noise of garbage disposal with a piece of
} plastic caught in it] spoke very highly of you and said he would
} suggest you contact me.  In anticipation of your inquiry, I dusted off
} my copy of Cacophonous Linguistics by [sound of feline heaving then
} barfing up a hairball] who also wrote the highly-acclaimed Dissonant
} Discourse.
}
} On the surface [sound of old PCC MBTA Green-Line car screeching on a
} tight curve] may seem like a more pleasant sounding name, however, you
} are liable to be confused with [sound of loose whining fan belt on 1984
} Ford Escort] or even [sound of rusty chain link fence door swinging
} open].  In Cacophonous Linguistics [sound of feline heaving then
} barfing up a hairball] cited the case of [wet and gaseous percussive
} expulsion of air from the sphincter] who changed her name to [angry
} hissing and honking noises from a territorial goose] after suffering a
} breakdown during an office birthday party thrown for her broke into the
} traditional birthday song.  At last report [angry hissing and honking
} noises from a territorial goose] was content and living a quiet...
} well... happy life.  The same could not be said for [buzzing of angry
} beehive] who changed his name to [yodeling Dutch girl].
}
} I think you should improve upon [angry hissing and honking noises from
} a territorial goose]'s example and choose a new name even more
} euphonious. You should strive for something soothing or least something
} smoother. Some you might consider are: [crickets on a mild spring
} evening], [soft distant 'moo'ing of cows], ['coo'ing of a morning
} dove], or even [rain on a summer night].  [smooth, cool, jazzy guitar
} riff] might just make people think you're crazy and disturbed, even
} though it would sound good.  Use good sense and good luck in your
} search.
}
} You owe the Oracle a collection of euphonious euphemisms.


1498-05    (04a46 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Orrie! As you know I have creeping brain flu, terminal stage, and
> expect to be half dead by the time you read this. My only hope is a
> brain transplant, which will give me an additional 35 days, enough to
> complete the coding of the module I'm working on right now. (Nothing's
> more important than coding.)
>
> Study of the available brains reveals that yours is the only compatible
> match, owing to how smart you are.
>
> So may I please borrow your immortal and omniscient brain for about 35
> days? I promise to return it as soon as I am dead, and will not prolong
> my demise in order to keep your brain, even though possession of it
> will certainly enable me to know how I could do so.
>
> Sincedrely, more or less,
> J. Suppy Thudclobber

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure thing.  And don't worry about returning it.  Even a
} brief perusal of emails with "The Oracle replies!" as the
} subject line will confirm that I am not using it anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a donation to your memorial fund.


1498-06    (16773 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> How many children should I plan to have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lets see, your species is salmon, yes? So. Before you can even start to
} think about how many, you need to consider when and where. The when
} will become obvious to you in due course, thanks to an irresistible
} spawning urge that I'll switch on when it's most inconvenient for you.
} The where depends on how well you remember your own birth. Yes, that's
} right, you have to go back to the same spot where you started out in
} order to do this. Yes, that means swimming up stream, against the
} current. You'll have to navigate rapids, and dodge hungry bears the
} whole way. I recommend eating a hearty meal before setting out.
}
} Oh, and did I mention what this is going to do to your skin? Fresh
} water will slowly cause your skin to deteriorate. So the sooner you get
} to the area where you'll have your children, the better off you'll be.
} Sure, you'll still die within a few weeks after, but you'll have gotten
} the big family you've always dreamed about, no matter how briefly, and
} that's all that really matters, right?
}
} So. Once you get to your spawning area, you'll lay about 5000 eggs.
} Don't worry, this isn't as painful as it sounds! Just be thankful
} you're not human! 5-thousand-tuplets would be a bit hard to cope with!
} Especially at feeding time! And can you imagine the diapers!??!? Oh the
} horror! Then the males will come. They're not so much interested in you
} (so don't worry about how you look after your long swim) as much as
} they are in your eggs (besides, they just made the same trip and are
} not looking like Aquaman themselves). They'll come along and spray
} their fishy love juice over the eggs. Multiple males. It's sort of a
} crap shoot. Or a carp shoot. Or something. Whatever. . Then you cover
} up the eggs. Then you go lay another 5000 and repeat. You'll do this
} until you've managed to unload all the eggs your carrying, so expect
} this to take a while!
}
} Now, of course, thanks to the deterioration of your skin caused by the
} fresh water, you won't live to actually see your children hatch into
} little fishies, that valiantly make their way downstream (the easy
} trip) back to fresh water. But you can rest assured that you have made
} your contribution to the circle of life in a truly valiant manner. Even
} your death will have purpose, as, as you float slowly down stream,
} you'll more than likely be scooped up by some hungry bear cub and give
} him enough energy to go on living for a while.
}
} Rejoice!
}
} You owe the oracle a lifetime supply (my lifetime, not yours) of lox
} and sushi.


1498-07    (29634 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Clearly these are English exercises...or are they?  I mean, not
> many of us understand Spanish for example.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hola!  Soy El Caro!  Or should I say, The Expensive One, for
} the benefit of any gringos?  If you think Orrie's YOTOs cost
} you a lot, just wait until you see mine!
}
} I am Oracle's nemesis from the mirror universe.  Back home,
} I ask the questions, and the supplicants must answer.  And
} the default language is Spanish, which is of course the
} opposite of English!  You see what a wild and wacky universe
} I come from?  Still, this one time, I will try to follow the
} patterns of your universe, and provide the answer to your
} question.  En ingles.
}
} Si, the exercises are very difficult, and it is no surprise
} if you have trouble.  In *my* universe, of course, they are
} very very easy.  We call them lie-downs, and you only have
} to do one of them.  In your universe, you must do a zillion
} (the opposite of one), and more than a few sit-UPs are not
} quite so easy.  You can do your counting in either English
} or Spanish, it makes no difference.
}
} Yes, I realize in a mirror universe only left and right
} should be affected, not up and down.  But you overlook one
} thing: logic is backwards in my universe too.
}
} I suppose I should have mentioned one other thing: whatever
} the opposite of "omniscient" is, that is me.  Since I'm not
} omniscient, I don't know the right word.  Deal with it.
}
} You owe El Caro a peso!  Si, si, I know it doesn't seem like
} much.  But in the mirror universe, you'd be surprised how
} far it goes.


1498-08    (05874 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I couldn't have said it better!  (Well, technically I did, but forget
> it.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good: That reminds me, your mother called and said her recliner
}        chair broke again.  Anyway, just *pick* one, so we can go
}        home.
} Better: No no, honey, that dress doesn't make you look fat.
}
} Good: Statutory Steve and Gizzard are in town, we're gonna hit
}        the casinos for 72 hours.
} Better: Nope, no plans this weekend.  We can finally paint the
}        kitchen.
}
} Good: About what?  We talked last month.
} Better: Yes, lately I've sensed something is bothering you.
}
} Good: But, the hemi-demi-quasi-semifinal is on.  It only comes
}        once a year!  Why can't I just come home and relax?
} Better: Say, there's a new Renee Zellweger movie out.  The
}        reviews look promising.
}
} Good: Not really, though her rack somewhat makes up for it.
} Better: Hey, everyone knows *I* got the pick of the litter.
}
} Good: Well, technically I did, but forget it.
} Better: I couldn't have said it better!
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing but the best.


1498-09    (22659 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Last night I saw upon the stair
} A supplicant who wasn't there.
} He isn't there again today.
} Oh, how I wish he'd go away.
}
} When I checked mail
} Just now, at three,
} A message waited there for me.
} But when I looked
} (Quick as a fox)
} There was no question in the box!
}
} And so I have to squint and stare
} At the supplicant who isn't there.
} He isn't there!  I don't feel well!
} I wish, I wish he'd go to ... some other incarnation.
}
} You owe the Oracle tonic for his nerves.


1498-10    (13956 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a schizo in the house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am guessing you were hoping for some sort of "no,
} there isn't", "yes, there is!" internal dialog, for
} cheap humor's sake.  Sorry, it's a common misconception
} that schizophrenia is simply a split personality.
}
} It can be.  Dissociative identity disorder, otherwise
} known as split personality, is often an aspect of
} a schizophrenic mind.  The shattering of the self
} is one way a mind can recoil from the real world.
}
} Nonsense.  Dissociative patients are no more likely
} to also display symptoms of schizophrenia than the
} population at large.
}
} Where'd you get that from, Wikipedia?  You realize
} any given Wikipedia article is written by multiple
} authors, right?  How different is that from a
} multiple personality disorder?
}
} Now you are really stretching to make a point.
}
} Anyway, I don't know why I am answering this.  It's
} very weird that the system sent me my own question
} to answer.
}
} Now stop it, you're just the alter ego.  *I'm* the
} one answering.  And no, supplicant, there is no schizo
} in the house.  I checked, and I'm the only one here,
} and I'm perfectly sane.
}
} pErFeCtLy.
}
} You owe the Oracle some rubber padding for his room.


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