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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, I need help.  We have finished a delicious > dinner at a fine restaurant, and I just realized > I left my wallet at home.  My date probably can > afford to pay, but I don't want to admit to her > that I screwed up.  What should I do instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse yourself for a moment. Visit the Gentlemen's Sanitary Euphemism. } Crawl out the window, and jump. With luck you won't break your leg. } } If you did not break your leg, run to your car and drive off. } } If you did break your leg, hobble to your car and drive off. } } Leave town, change your identity, and never go back. Marry someone who } has inherited wealth, is never suspicious, and whose beauty is measured } in Negahelens. (Sinks ships.) She will be grateful, and will never } catch on that you are the kind of weasel who sometimes pulls tricks } like you did on your date in the City To Which You Must Never Return. } } You owe the Oracle your date's cell phone number. (Didn't think I was } going to leave her stranded, did you?)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't Steve Miller and Dave Matthews have proper names for their > bands? Why does the public reward such narcissism by buying their > stuff? Shouldn't they be boycotted until they reform their ways?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because all the good band names were taken.  The Steve Miller } Band is just a name that was assigned to them; ironically } their lead guitarist is named Dave Matthews.  The Dave } Matthews Band was assigned as a name to a band fronted by } a Stephen Miller. } } Here are the first 101 entries in the official list of the } most desirable band names not currently taken.  Hurry if you } want one; the list only gets worse as you go further down it. } } Lumpy Doo Dah } OJ's Charmers } Zombie Army Boots And The Positional Missionaries } Heartbreaking Philosophy Or Maybe Not } Silent But Deadly Tools } Utterly Normal Christians Under The Bed } Purveyors Of Bongos } Collective Submission Nightly On Channel Zero } Hollow Chocolate Jonses On My Shoulders } So-So Third Reich of Torture } Raisins In The Army } The Mormon Tabernacle Mime Troup } Olympic-Sized Munitions And The Evil Lawn Gnomes } The Flaccid Game Show Hosts Experience } Underage Bambi Hunters } In Worship Of Cult } Crusty Privilege On TV } Rusty Sucka-Punchers On ESPN } Quip And The Vacant Potholders } The Agony Of Klowns } My Big Fat Heart Of Gold From Hawaii } FBI Bureaucrats With Extra Hot Sauce } Xanax-Poppin Money Junkies } Hypocritical Coat Hangers } Jimbo's Gefilte Fish } Badly Animated Lawnmower Massacre } French Chicken Nuggets Stuck In A Rollercoaster } Concrete Trial Lawyers About To Explode } Might Be Zipper } Tangerine Firehose } Musical Gorillas From Outer Space } Everybody Loves Sinatra With Eric Clapton On Ukulele } Insipid Nudists In Trouble } My Pink Half Of The Acid } Intellectual Annihilation } Adhesive Genies } Swine Limozeen } Worthless Tartar Sauce Up The River } Kangaroos Wear No Saliva } Eeny Meeny Meinie Troubador } Paisley Breakdance } Bratty Blues } All Night Explosions } Cosmic Whigs } Long Haired Triumph } Paradoxical Geeks } Do You Have Muff } Purple Dog Biscuit } Minty Fresh Angels } Michael Jackson's Thieves Featuring Inmates #192034, #394028, And } #059384 Moldy Angels } Butt Ugly Grandeur } Giant Economy Sized Barf Bags } Nobody Likes Dread } Anal Infestation In The Grass } Queer Maze Through Incompetence } Lemon Messiah Or Else } Somebody Get Me The Brides } Omaha Mud } Low Cost Bluenoses } Oral Roberts's Sloths } We Deserve The Tuna Salad On The Porch } Heroic War Machine } Dilbert's Idiots } Mollycoddled Medicine Peddlers In A Pineapple Under The Sea } Jonestown Killjoys Coming To Kick Your Butt } Sex Drugs And The Penthouse View } Fat Faced Noses With Mint Sauce } Serrated Hole } King Of The Tattletales With Beggs Enedict } Funny Ha Ha Ego } Rusty Scoundrels } Suburban Wedding Cakes Of Vapor } Joltin' Earmuffs } Can't Remember Rotten Eggs On The Street } Jumpy Bicycle Sharpeners } Heroic Lefthanders } Adulterated Sheep } Name The Weathermen In The Psychiatric Ward } Three Toed Hairless Heroin Injection Sites On The Back Page Of Newsweek } I Get A Kick Out Of Doofuses On Friday Night } You Don't Know Meatloaf } Persistent Ruckus Of Planet Vulcan } Plus-Sized Attraction Down The Street } Love Poetry Of TKO } Assorted Trout } Ninety Eight Pound Fundraiser } Cocaine Snortin' Love Boat } In Honor Of Backwoods Cabin From Honduras } Jellybean Junior Mints Under The Rocks } Leaky Coke } The Crappy Secret } Republican Snacks } Belgian Yahtzee Game In The Trunk Of A Ford Pinto } Blurry All Stars } Hurry Up And Get The Celebrities In The Machine } Shaggggy Dogg } Interactive Hangup In The Sewers } Drunken Java Programmers In The U.S.A. } Alarm Clocks In Baghdad } Band Name Number 101

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me the team that is going to win the NBA > playoffs this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know that my answer will probably tax your brain cells beyond their } prelastic limit, but the winner will be the Chicago Cubs. The logic } involved is rather perverse, so I won't display it here, owing to how } little children and White Sox fans (not to the mention NBA fans) might } see it, but if you'll consider the Cubs' dismal record, you'll see that } by the Law of Averages they are doomed to win something, eventually. } } You owe the Oracle a plan for making money off the insane loyalty that } fans show to teams that are hopeless losers.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> At last!  I've done it! > Nothing can stop me now! > Muwwahhhahahahahahahaha! > >          CH3 >           | >           N >          / \ >     N---C   C==O >    ||  ||   | >    ||  ||   | >    CH   C   N--CH3 >      \ / \ / >       N   C >       |  || >      CH3  O

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Another diabolical scheme foiled by using the wrong font.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If there's no proof, then the accusations must be either a lie or a > joke - which is it?  Or, if there is proof, then what/where is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want answers?  You *want* ANSWERS?  You can't HANDLE } the proof!  Son, we live in a world that has supplicants, } and those supplicants have to be answered by incarnations } with ruthlessness.  You don't want the proof because deep } down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want } me answering those supplicants, you need me answering } those supplicants. } } You owe the Oracle a few good questions.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I feel a bit ooky. Please fix.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's some ade juice.  It will get out your inks and put you on an } even eel. } } You owe the Oracle a fun night.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The pen is mightier than the sword, but a picture is worth a thousand > words. > > So is a picture of a sword mightier than the pen? But that doesn't > make sense: couldn't I just poke a hole through the picture with the > pen? But with the actual sword, I would be able to chop the pen up > into little bits, whereas no harm could be done to the sword. I was > hoping the sword could at least get vicarious satisfaction by at least > having its picture be mightier, but now I'm confused. What is the > resolution to this conundrum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Any good quality pen can write more than a mere } thousand words - surely a million or more unless } you are prone to sesquipedalianism - so clearly } it is mightier than a kiloword picture. } } However, comparison to a sword is tricky.  Here } is the full quote from Edward Bulwer-Lytton (yes, } *that* Bulwer-Lytton): } }      "Beneath the rule of men entirely great, }       the pen is mightier than the sword." } } In other words, in normal times, such as ours, } the smart money is still on the sword. } } You owe the Oracle a sandwich toothpick shaped } like a pen.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What!  How can you say such things!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I just open my mouth and the... werds...jest...fl-flo- } flowwwww.  Aw cra-cra-crap, now yew-yew-yew got mmmmmmeeee } think-ink-inking ab-abou-about it-t-t-it. } } You owe the Oracle a fresh start.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Good grief, whatta disguise.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And I woulda gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling } kids!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ahem.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, sorry, I didn't see you had come in.  You are } answering the ad for the position as Zot tester? } Please step into that room over there. } } What does the job entail?  Zadoc will explain it } all to you, though it is pretty self-explanatory, } really.  Just go into the room. } } No, there is no application form to fill out.  The } ad stated that you must have no next of kin; that } is the case, right?  Then we don't need any other } information.  The payment is in cash and totally } off the books so I don't need your taxpayer info. } As though you would have any.  Go on in there. } } No, ignore the sounds coming from inside.  I am } sure they aren't screams.  Zadoc probably has his } radio on too loud. } } Look, do you want the job, or not? } } You owe the Oracle nothing.