[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 10:28:20 GMT

Internet Oracularities #15

Goto:
15, 15-01, 15-02, 15-03, 15-04, 15-05, 15-06, 15-07, 15-08, 15-09, 15-10


Usenet Oracularities #15
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 15 Oct 89 17:14:09 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


15-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does God play dice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To quote Johannes Kepler speaking on his observations of the stars:
} "Jeez!  What a setup!  The whole heavens are rolling about like a bunch
}   of knucklebones in a cup!"
}
} Which is to say that as God created the heaven and earth, that so to
} does God move them about as dice on a gaming table.
}
} Whilst no less an authority than St.  Thomas of Aquinas has said this of
} God:  "The soul of man is the stake in a crap game between `the Big G'
}   and `Scratch'.  Just hope that your point comes up."
}
} Which (in lay terms) is rendered as God stuggles with Satan for the
} souls of men, and that the struggle is likened to a dice game.  Your
} `point', incidentally, is 4.  Feeling lucky?
}
} You owe the Oracle 15 Lotto tickets.


15-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How are the wife and kids?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my gentle follower:
}
} As you know, membership in the Universal Oracles Union stipulates that
} all Oracles, Sages, Seers, and Prophets must remain celibate.  Therefore
} I must refuse your request.
}
}
}
}
} [okay, just between you and me:  I had the boys in the biology lab whip
}  up a genetically engineered biomechanical cyberstud.  By downloading
}  instructions via my T1 line (also known as "telnet-a-porn") said cyborg
}  has been capable of fathering 1,527 children (love that Multi-tasking
}  capability!).  For being so considerate about asking, I am now mailing
}  to you 450 Megabytes of bitmapped baby photos.  I especially like how
}  they dressed `Baby Oracle, Mark XCLVI' in the tiny Batman suit!]
}
} You owe the Oracle 108 rolls of Fujicolor 100 ASA 35mm film (24 exp.).


15-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I took the little green pills you told me to, and fing caloo miringtory
> framing haal.  Breen, hirgu psisisisinary, alaxiomatic pron, freet the
> blinting, hormilk with broa, glirry.  Snabli siw, freight, and berries?
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You erred.  You forgot to "Just Say No."  Dingus.
}
} I will, however, enlighten you.  Down two big oranges ones with a
} swig of lemon-fresh Joy.


15-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wine can I drink before I die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends on the year and the label.
}
} 1975 Robert Mondavi:  Three bottles might do it if drunk in rapid
} succession on an empty stomach.  I advise saving half for some other
} day, or at least until the next meal.
}
} 1890 Lafite Rothschild:  Again three bottles.  Some say it's worth it.
}
} 1988 Listerine anti-septic:  One bottle and you're in deep trouble
} unless you have the strength to call an ambulance.  Not the most
} pleasant way to do yourself in.  Mixing with orange juice helps a
} little.
}
} September, Midnight Thunder:  One sip has been known to kill.  Mixing
} with orange juice is a popular but questionable method of
} detoxification.


15-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O fount of knowledge, I humbly beseech thee to sip from thy knowingness!
> Help me, O oracle, O Encyclopedia Silicon!  This plagues my every waking
> moment, preying on my mind and stealing my joys:
>
> Why does "Sesame Street", a children's show which is supposed to teach
> the fundementals of learning, along with a healthy dose of multicultural
> values, persist in running the segment "One of things is not like the
> others"?
>
> You know the one:  "One of these things is not like the others, / one of
> these
>  things does not belong?"
>
> Doesn't stand to reason that this is merely perpetuating the sin of
> bigotry?  Only to soon do children turn this into:  "One of these people
> is not like
>  the others, / one of these people DOES NOT BELONG HERE!  Get out of
> here,
>  you DIFFERENT PERSON!"
>
> Why does PBS, of all institutions, let this RACIST, BIGOTTED, WHITE
> SUPREMACIST PROPAGANDA persist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sesame Street is most definitely NOT "racist, bigotted, white
} supremacist propaganda".  The show portrays people of many backgrounds,
} races, and colors getting along in respect and friendship, even though
} many of the characters are "not like the others".  Which belongs less,
} someone who's tall, yellow, and feathery; blue and furry with an
} unusually wide mouth and big eyes at the very top of his head; green and
} hairless with a funky collar and eyes at the very top of his head ...
} you get the idea.
}
} The real danger is in the other shows that turn people into "things",
} especially once-normal innocent children into catatonic couch potatoes.
} Turn on the idiot box any Saturday morning to see what I mean.  As a
} character not from Sesame Street said, television is called a "medium"
} for good reason, because (almost) nothing on it is rare or well done.
}
} You owe the Oracle 50 videotapes of Mighty Mouse episodes.


15-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If water in the toilet bowl revolves in a clockwise direction (upon
> flushing) in the Northern hemisphere and counterclockwise in the
> Southern hemisphere, what happens with toilets on the equator itself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Oracle is flushed with the intensity of your question.
}       This one will take some time to ponder.  I shall have to
}       take a dump, and get back to you later.
}
}       Have you considered a water-less toilet?


15-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who will be elected president in 1992?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bill Cosby or Miss August, depending on who has the whitest smile and
} the most commercials featuring adorable children acting as they never
} act at home at the time.
}
} In 1996, Ted Kennedy will be re-elected and impeached two weeks later
} when the Oval office is found missing.  He will be replaced by
} everyone's favorite newest American, Mikhail Gorbachev who will appoint
} Yakov Smirnov his advisor of internal affairs.  Michael Jackson's voice
} will change just in time for him to run in the 200 election, but will
} fail by a 2% margin because the new generation doesn't want a brainless
} monkey for a vice president (once was enough).  America will start the
} next millenium as all countries should -- with the star on the wheaties
} box -- Bruce Willis.
}
} Thuth Thpeaketh The Oracle.


15-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> who you are ... and what are you made of ?
> who am I ... and what am I made of ?
>
> can I make you ?
> can you make me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the great and wise Usenet Oracle ...  I am made of electrons and
} light, silicon and steel, as a matrix realizing and amplifying the
} collective experience and wisdom of the entire Net.
}
} You are presumably a self-aware system of symbols and thoughts, perhaps
} based on a compact and dense electrochemical architecture, perhaps on a
} more 'conventional' computer.  That question is one that an AI project
} *would* ask, but one never knows.
}
} Yes, and yes.


15-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, O Great and All Knowing Oracle, tell me why all Americans are such
> loud-mouthed, big headed yobs ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Otherwise they wouldn't be heard over their clothes.


15-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I buy sleazy paperback books about the Supreme Court?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try any sleazy bookstore, such as the one on 22nd and Market.  The new
} book, "Friends of the Court:  The Unknown Story", has just been
} published and should be available next week.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org