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Internet Oracularities #150

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150, 150-01, 150-02, 150-03, 150-04, 150-05, 150-06, 150-07, 150-08, 150-09, 150-10


Usenet Oracularities #150    (11 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 1 May 90 15:33:42 -0500

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"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

150   11 votes 03134 24212 02432 04322 33230 32411 32231 03620 04142 24221
150   3.0 mean  3.7   2.7   3.5   3.2   2.5   2.5   2.7   2.9   3.4   2.6


150-01    (03134 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the story of Schroedinger's cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh - after having to answer two zillion questions about woodchucks,
} Lisa and kinky sex, I finally get an interesting one!
}
} Schroedinger's cat is often described as a thought (Gedanken) experiment
} by ignorant authors of physics textbooks.  Actually, the cat, being very
} real, very much resents being called 'gedanken', and the experiment was
} a very real one, too.  The true story remains little known, however
} (having been hushed up by idol-worshipping later generations of
} physicists), so the Oracle is very happy to get the opportunity of
} telling it.
}
} It all happened back in '27 or '28, when Schroedinger, Born, Einstein,
} Bohr and some others of that bunch of guys were discussing the
} connection of reality and quantum mechanics over some beer.  Einstein
} had just made his famous exclamation 'Aber der liebe Gott wuerfelt
} nicht!' (But the good Lord doesn't play dice!), although he (due to the
} large amount of beer ingested) had some difficulty getting the
} pronunciation right, and it actually sounded more like 'But a wood gourd
} doesn't pay twice', which, of course, is pure nonsense.  (Except in the
} little-known Uhumba dialect of northern Swaziland, where it actually
} means 'A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn' - rather a
} remarkable coincidence.  But I digress.)
}
} Bohr maintained that a quantum mechanical system actually is a
} superposition of all its possible states, until you make a measurement,
} when the system instantly collapses to just one of these states (Since
} he had just finished his seventh Carlsberg, he had some difficulty
} getting the German syntax right, but never mind, that's what he meant).
}
} 'Zo you mean zat, for example, zat cat over zere could be, zay, bos
} alife and dead at ze zame time?' Einstein retorted
}
} 'Which off zem do you mean?' asked Born, 'I zee two off zem, and zey
} actually are zuperposed (or is it ze beer?  Yes, it is ze beer!)'
}
} 'Nonsense' replied Bohr, 'a cat is not a quatn...  quamtun...  *quantum*
} mechanical system!'
}
} 'But', said Schroedinger, struck by a thought, 'suppose ve *make* it a
} quantum zystem, by haffing a radioactive decay trigger a hammer, that
} breaks a cyanide bottle, that kills ze cat, wiss a certain probability!'
}
} Had the guys been slightly more sober at the moment, they might have let
} it rest at that.  Now, however, Schroedinger grabbed poor Snurzi (yes,
} German cats are called things like that) and put her in a box, while
} Bohr ran down to the labs to get some cyanide, some uranium and a geiger
} counter.  They rapidly connected up the apparatus, switched it on and
} went home.  The next morning, they reckonned, Schnurzi would be a
} quantum mechanical superposition of 50% living cat and 50% dead cat.
}
} The next morning, when Schroedinger had recovered, he realized what they
} had done - as soon as they opened the box, poor Schnurzi's wave function
} would collapse into a state where she would be either dead or alive.
} Hovewer, to his horror he found that he had put the decimal point wrong,
} and that, as soon as they opened the box, they would with a probabilitiy
} of 99.5 %, not 50 % find a very dead cat.
}
} He immediately called his friends and they decided to leave Schnurzi in
} the box until Einstein had found out what was wrong with quantum
} mechanics.  Unfortunately, he never did.  All of them also swore solemn
} oaths never, never, to do a single experiment again.
}
} Schnurzi was, by the way, rescued by the net.physics.goddess (although
} she, due to the non-existence of Usenet at that time, was only the
} physics.goddess) a few days later, made into a cat.physics.martyr, and
} is still living in the net.heaven.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a self-consistent theory of everything (and I mean
} *everything*, I want to use it to calculate the cosmological constant as
} well as my chances of getting a date with Lisa).


150-02    (24212 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise and wordy Oracle,
>
>          Why is it that when you are asked the most simple and stupid
>          easy-to-answer questions, you answer in many pages of boring
>          text, using up my quota, and boring me half to death!?
>
>                                         -Jane User

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jane, you ignorant slut. Asking me why I am so verbose is like
} asking Michelangelo why he used so many colors, but being the
} brain-dead sleazebag you are, I wouldn'tt put it past you. Not
} everyone life can be boiled down to a dollar amount and a time
} limit, as yours can. Rather some of us enjoy the fine art of
} conversation, and see the merit in concise flowing text, as
} opposed to "if you're done then get out, and leave the money
} on the table", or other such witticisms fund in your trade.
} Jane, everyone has their strong points. My strong point is clear
} and enlightening prose, yours is disposal of bodily fluids, so
} you don't tell me how to do my job, and I won't tell you how to
} do yours (unless you phrase it as a question).
}
} You owe the Oracle a tape of Poin-Counterpoint from the old
} Saturday Night Live


150-03    (02432 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's that on your head?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah! I see you're admiring my new hat! I do cut a dashing figure in it
} don't I? The
}
} >message from kinzler!iuvax
} >Hey, Oracle! Nice hat! (ppffft!)
}
} Why thank you, Stephen! Observe the tasteful green fringe, the
} exquisitely centered ruby!
}
} >message from lisa!iuvax
} >Oh, Oracle! Your hat is so (pft!) so sexy!
}
} Oh, Lisa! Do you really mean it?
}
} >Oh, sure! That orange piping really (haha) really turns me on!
} >BWAH-HAHA^C
}
} Isn't Lisa sweet? But my favorite part is the action scenes from "The
} A-Team" all around the rim. Yes, this hat is a keeper!
}
} >message from barbara!iuvax
} >Say, Oracle, can we get a picture of you in your hat for the
} >yearbook?
}
} Certainly! Why, Barbara, are those tears in your eyes?
}
} >Yeah, (heeheehee) that hat just moves me to tears. (heeheeheehaha)
}
} Boy, it's great to have friends, isn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle some more admiration.


150-04    (04322 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Classes end in a few days.  Any words of wisdom before I depart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Tsu-li's favorite student, Jo-nen, came to him one day.
}       "Tsu-li," he said, "I am leaving tomorrow to visit my family.  Do
} you have any advice for me before I depart?"
}       Tsu-li looked at Jo-nen and said, "Don't forget your toothbrush."
}       In that instant Jo-nen was enlightened.
}
} Nueh's comment:
}       Tsu-li was old and stupid.  He should not have given Jo-nen such
} an easy time of it.  Jo-nen would have learned better if Tsu-li had
} answered by hitting him with a stick.
}
}       To travel with a toothbrush,
}       Walk the dusty roads with a comb,
}       Knowing the true nature of zen
}       And where your towel is.


150-05    (33230 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, this question is not for you, but for Barbara.  Could
> you please forward it to her?  (I know you can answer it yourself,
> please don't be offended.  I would just like to get the answer from
> Barbara herself.)
>
> --cut here-------------------------------------------
>
> Your Divine Suppleness,  Dear Barbara,
>
> I am the one who first made you known in the Oracularities, by asking
> about the net.suppleness.goddess.  Since then, I have become a great
> admirer of you, though I have never seen you.  I hope you don't mind
> being mentioned in the Oracularities.  No, it's not me every time!
>
> Being the goddess, I am sure you must be cultivating the true, pure
> suppleness, untouched by thoughts of sex or other distractions.  That
> is the job of Lisa, who, as I understand, is also extremely limber.
> But she is stiff as compared with you, my lovely Barbara!
>
> And I want you to know that it is for this that I admire you so much:
> You are divinely supple for no other purpose than just being supple.
> When you do your contortions, it is simply because you love being
> able to do these things with your super-flexible self.  It is not only
> the unique quality of your suppleness, but also ist natural purity,
> that makes you so special.
>
> I would like to ask you one thing: I suppose you spend a lot of time
> practising and exploring new stunning acts to perform and unbelievable
> positions to assume (you must have a fantastic repertiore, Barbara!).
>
> But when you simply want to sit on your sofa reading a good book, or
> on cushions on the floor watching TV, how do you sit?  I mean, what
> positions do you find the most comfortable, when you want to give your
> wonderfully supple body in to total relaxation?
>
> Have a good time, and don't ever let anyone exploit your divine
> suppleness for any other purpose.  Stay the way you are!
>
> A good, friendly hug from
>
> Your great admirer.  :-)
> ===================
>
> PS.  If you want to know who I am, The Usenet Oracle have my
>      permission to give you my mail address.
> --cut here-------------------------------------------

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okey-dokey.  I gave your letter and your mail address to Barb.
} Good luck!


150-06    (32411 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wisest of Mythical Expert Systems, please bequeath to me the following
> knowledge:
>
> Why can't people ask the Oracle interesting questions, instead of crap
> about net.sex.goddesses and navel lint?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well, it appears we have an intellectual in our midst.  Belly
} button lint not good enough for you, eh?  Lisa, the beloved (and
} belusted) net.sex.goddess not good enough for you, eh?  I suppose you'd
} prefer some highbrow, pseudo-intelectual humor?
}
} Q:    How many quarks fit in a shoebox?
}
} A:    All of them, because they have no temporal dimension
}               therefore take no space at all!
}
} Oh har, HAR! You dweeby, pencil-neck physics types make me puke!
} Normal people LIKE sexually oriented humor, and I pesonally have
} the largest bellybutton lint collection in my lodge (Loyal Order
} of Oracles local 53272373 -e14), and darn proud of it! Tell you
} what, I'll make you a deal. You keep your opinions to yourself
} or I'll send out Rocco, the net.kneecap.god to show you what he
} does with those kneecaps.
}
} You owe the Oracle your favorite pocket liner.


150-07    (32231 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could'ja tell me about the Midnight Rambler...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I could.
}
} You owe the Oracle two cigarettes and a postage stamp.
}
}
}
} Hah!  Just kidding!  You thought I was sitting here at my Oraclular
} terminal, with that smarmy "cooler-than-thou" smirk on my face that
} people get when they've just said something that they think is so
} extraordinarily clever-clever that they expect you to simply pass
} out, right there on the floor, from the shame and degradation of
} being a mere mortal in the presence of someone so totally hip, when
} in actuality you're facing a losing battle keeping yourself from
} beating their ugly zit-covered faces into what you hope will be a
} somewhat-less-annoying-looking pulp.  You probably thought I was
} going to continue by faking a "write" message from Stephen Kinzler
} or God or somebody, telling me that I had to go back and fully answer
} the question by describing the Midnight Rambler, whereupon I'd bitch
} and piss and moan for a little while and then launch into something
} even _less_ interesting, probably involving Lisa the net.sex.goddess
} and/or a phone call to Hell.  But no!  Not me!  I'm cooler than that!
} I don't _do_ irritating cliches like that!  I'm not one of those twits
} that answer the question, "do you prefer creamy or chunky?" with "yes!"
} Nor am I the kind of jerk that corrects the spelling on bathroom walls,
} and I'm not one of those obnoxious geeks with halitosis that are so
} fond of informing people that the nineties don't actually start until
} 1991 so they don't know what all the fuss was about, as if that might
} excuse them from their inability to get a date for the 1990 New Years
} party.  No sir!  You should count yourself might lucky, if I do say so
} myself, to be receiving an Oracular response from someone as groovy
} as I am!  Bye now!


150-08    (03620 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh Oracle whose presence spans the universe and beyond, whose
> knowledge is infinate, How is it that photons are massless and
> yet have an angular momentum and exert a pressure.
>
> -your humblest of servants-
>     -john-

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} John:
}
}     We regret that the Oracle is in the shower (with Lisa) at the
} present moment.  However, we have a guest Oracle tonight.  Straight from
} that newsgroup of the intellegentsia - alt.sex.wanted - we have
} BIFF@BIT.NET
}
} > HEY DOOD WHAZ THE KWESHUN?
} >
} > O YAH SOMETHIN ABOUT FUTONS AND MASS. HEY DOOD, MY BRO HAS A FUTON,
} > AND IT"S MASSIVE. YEA LIKE WE ALL GO TO HIS PLACE AND SIT ON IT AND
} > WATCH AEROSMITH ON MTV. AND GUNS N ROSES. YEA DOOD LIKE IT"S TOTALLY
} > AWESOME.
} >
} > DOOD THERE"Z NO PRESSURE TO SIT ON IT. LIKE MY FRIEND JOE WANTS TO SIT
} > EVERY TIM ON THE ROKING CHAIR. YEA.
} >
} > NEX TIME WE GO MY BRO SAID WE CAN HAVE BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN GO
} > TOO.
} >
} > SO DOOD HANG LOOSE AND ALL. YOUR SOX UNTIED! HAHA MAD YOU LOOK!
}
} You owe Biff a real life.


150-09    (04142 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise of Oracles whos silicon chips I am not fit to lick, please
> tell me why President Bush is afraid to put sanctions on the Soviet
> Union after its blockade of Lithuania.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's the story from the beginning...
}
} Lithuania tells Gorbachev, "We want independence.  The Americans got
} their independence 214 years ago, and their quality of life has been
} increasing in leaps and bounds ever since.  Heck, Americans don't even
} need three forms of I.D. to buy a Mario Bros. II cartridge."
}
} Gorbachev tells Lithuania, "We're not going to give you your
} independence.  See, we LIKE you.  You're our FRIENDski.  And to make
} sure you REMAIN our friendski, we're going to place an economic embargo
} on you.  Have a nice life, Dudeski."
}
} Now comes the good part...
}
} Bush tells Quayle, "Dan-o, you're a good man and a good vice president.
} Not many presidents ask their vice presidents for their opinions, but
} I'm going to ask you for yours.  Do you think I should put sanctions on
} the Soviet Union after its blockade of Lithuania?"
}
} Quayle replies, "No, sir.  I'd say that you should definitely
} not...not...uh....Could you repeat the question?"
}
} "Do you think I should put sanctions on the Soviet Union after its
} blockade of Lithuania?"
}
} "Oh, right.  I'd say that you should definitely not put sanctions on the
} Soviets.  You see, when the Soviets placed the embargo on Lithuania, the
} Lithuanians were so locked out of trade that they couldn't buy any food.
}  And the only thing that grows naturally in Lithuania is popsicles.  So
} the Lithuanian government had to impose food rations on the people."
}
} "So what's your point, Dan?"
}
} "Well, sir.  If we put sanctions on the Soviets, they might embargo
} *us*.  And if it weren't for the Soviets, where would we sell our
} surplus Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle comics?"
}
} "Gee, I don't know."
}
} "..and our surplus fluorescent yellow bluejeans?"
}
} "I'm not sure."
}
} "...and our extra BROCCOLI???"
}
} "That's it.  It's final!  Read my lips: No sanctions against the Soviet
} Union for its blockade of Lithuania."
}
} "Very good, sir."
}
}
} So there you have it.  Now you know why the President refuses to put a
} sanction on the Soviet Union.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of borscht.


150-10    (24221 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose infinite wisdom spans the universe and encompasses the
> entiretity of time and space, please tell me, an insignificant worm when
> compared to you,
>
> Why do I like Unix so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O seeker, whose body parts are small, whose feet smell like pig breath,
} and whose hair is always greasy and matted,
}
} You like Unix because, as a child, your father only responded to you
} when you made mistakes and your mother laughed at everything you said or
} did.  Your sister tied your socks together and cut holes in your sheet.
}
} Now, as an adult, you derive great comfort from using Unix.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of finger puppets and a donut.


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