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Internet Oracularities #1500

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1500, 1500-01, 1500-02, 1500-03, 1500-04, 1500-05, 1500-06, 1500-07, 1500-08, 1500-09, 1500-10


Internet Oracularities #1500    (24 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2012 08:54:16 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1500
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1500  24 votes 1065c 13974 17745 044b5 26565 45771 1ab20 48741 18933 36933
1500  3.2 mean  4.1   3.4   3.2   3.7   3.2   2.8   2.6   2.6   3.0   2.9


1500-01    (1065c dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> May I see your artistic license and registration, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why soitenly, ossifer.
}
}    ----------------------------------------------------
}   |                  ARTISTIC LICENSE                  |
}   |                  State of Indiana                  |
}   |                                                    |
}   |  Name: T. Internet Oracle                          |
}   |  Date of Birth: Aeons ago                          |
}   |  Residence address: IU Campus (just ask around)    |
}   |                                                    |
}   |  Additional licenses registered: Dramatic, Poetic  |
}   |                                                    |
}   |  Memes Granted: ADV  Adventure game program        |
}   |                 INJ  Lisa and other In-Jokes       |
}   |                 MPY  Monty Python                  |
}   |                 NHK  Nethack                       |
}   |                 STR  Star Trek / Star Wars         |
}   |                 YOT  You Owe The Oracle            |
}   |                 ZOT  Staff of *ZOT*                |
}   |  Restrictions:  ELP  English language primarily    |
}   |                 OLU  Online use only               |
}   |                 RHO  No rhyming with "orange"      |
}   |                                                    |
}   |  Expiration date:  6/31/2012   Renewable: Yes      |
}    ----------------------------------------------------
}
} Look, if this is about that El Caro response in the recent
} Digest, I can explain.  Well, no, I can't, but it won't
} happen again.  Though it's certainly covered by my license,
} since it was mainly English and not really Spanish at all.
}
} I know, I know, my disbelief was suspended long ago.  But
} that doesn't affect what I like to call this license to ill.
}
} Yes, I know there is no 31st of June.  What?  Yes, obviously,
} I didn't get this license from any official source - I put
} it together myself, duh, and I'm not going to spell out the
} details of how I did it.  Which part of "artistic license"
} are you not getting?  Can I just be moving along now?  You
} have no idea how angry I can get when I'm writing drunk.
} Oops, probably shouldn't have said that.
}
} You owe the Oracle the number of a good WUI lawyer.


1500-02    (13974 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pardon the repeat, but I think you're pulling my leg.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all.  If elected, I will:
}
} - bring the budget into balance while cutting taxes and
}    investing in job-creating infrastructure;
}
} - increase retirement and health benefits while adding
}    oversight over unneeded expenditures and reducing
}    payroll deductions;
}
} - trim military spending while taking an exceptionalist
}    stance versus our enemies and restoring our standing
}    with allies;
}
} - reduce spiraling prison costs while getting tough on
}    violent crime and increasing the penalties for drug use;
}
} - cut illegitimate births while eliminating subsidies for
}    abortion and for contraception;
}
} - increase personal freedom while supporting faith-based
}    initiatives and de-funding our failing public schools;
}
} - support the little guy at last while deregulating big
}    business and eliminating limits on campaign donations.
}
} In January, of course, I reserve the right to re-evaluate
} each of these policies based upon changing conditions.
}
} You owe the Oracle your vote.


1500-03    (17745 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Instead of the Apocrypha, my seminary teacher says we should be
> studying the cannon.  Were they even invented yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apparently you never heard of the Cannon Fodder, Son,
} and Holy Ghost.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apocryphal story.


1500-04    (044b5 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, he's making empty threats again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you don't stop sending me these questionless
} mails, I'll send my _______ so far up your _____
} you'll be _____ing ____s for a week.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ___ and an _________________.


1500-05    (26565 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know, I was thinking about that stuff, and well, people always, are
> like, whatever. Really bugs me. You know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't get any better, either, when they grow out
} of their teens, does it?  Just today, I saw this in a
} company prospectus:
}
} Our mission is to effectively maintain digital
} market-driven factors while continuing to perceptively
} leverage users' high impact catalysts.  We commit
} ourselves to professionally support our key quality
} use cases by globally personalizing users' legal
} materials.  We are dedicated to ethically comprise
} users' mission critical strategic data.
}
} They might as well have just used the Teenager's
} Mission Statement you provided, above.
}
} You owe the Oracle a comprehensively prioritized
} performance framework.


1500-06    (45771 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most Sober and Properly Hydrated, pray tell me and enlighten
> me:
>
> In restaurants and bars, why are all drinks other than beer
> sold in such small portions? When I am the designated driver,
> I need to spend almost twice as much as the others just to supply
> enough water to my system. I once asked for a half-litre cola
> (that's about 1 pint for any incarnations who still live in the
> dark ages) and got charged for two quarter-liter ones, which was
> as expensive as three half-liter Heinekens.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Drinkers do not worry about the price or number of their drinks. They
} are supposedly drinking to get drunk. You teetotalling freeloaders
} think that just because you are not getting drunk, you should be exempt
} from paying lots of money for the privilege of being at the bar?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Bloody Mary, a Virgin Mary and a Hail Mary.


1500-07    (1ab20 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you shah?  Sultanly!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a nice grovel; it's very baig of you.


1500-08    (48741 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A long time ago, in a University of Indiana far, far away, I asked you
> about "overcats wheather" with that exact spelling. If I am not
> dismally mistaken, you replied about overcast weather instead,
> probably because I was disinclined to grovel, thus making you
> irritated and disinclined to read carefully.
>
> Well, now I am grovelling. I have buried my ears in chocolate pudding,
> and am trying to inhale lutefisk through my left nostril. (You may
> lick the chocolate pudding off my ears, but I cannot recommend the
> lutefisk. It's only good for making lutefisk jokes in Minnesota.)
>
> So please explain to me better about the "overcats wheather" (spelled
> exactly thusly).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can't believe you waste your time.  Grovelling is only for dumb
} questions, as otherwise I wouldn't be interested in them.
}
} Gee, thanks for the paradox.
}
} Besides, any decent nerd would have taken you literally to teach you a
} lesson, not show off his proofreading skills.  Some of my incarnations
} are seriously overpaid.
}
} Anyway, overcats weather is the opposite of underdogs' weather, in
} which rain flies through the sky to save the less fortunate, barking
} while it does that.  You figure out the rest; it's easier to understand
} than to explain.
}
} You owe the Oracle some hysterical fiction.


1500-09    (18933 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between Republicans and Democrats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At the end of the debate, one's right and leaves, and the other's left.


1500-10    (36933 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Voitch! All our balustrades are banisters.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dr. David Banister: architect; carpenter. Searching for a way to tap
} into the handrails that all humans use. Then an accidental overdose of
} voitch radiation alters his body chemistry. And now when David Banister
} grows angry or outraged by architectural design elements, a startling
} metamorphosis occurs.  The creature is wanted for a handrail remodel he
} didn't commit.  David Banister is believed to be dead, and he must let
} the world think that he is dead, until he can find a way to control the
} raging balustrades that dwell around him.
}
} Excelsior!
}
} You owe the Oracle a funny, festive foyer.


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