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Internet Oracularities #1501

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1501, 1501-01, 1501-02, 1501-03, 1501-04, 1501-05, 1501-06, 1501-07, 1501-08, 1501-09, 1501-10


Internet Oracularities #1501    (21 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2012 13:08:01 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1501
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1501  21 votes 38631 04665 13296 14763 06942 04764 45642 19731 13674 63a02
1501  3.1 mean  2.6   3.6   3.8   3.3   3.1   3.5   2.8   2.7   3.5   2.5


1501-01    (38631 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sure am.
}
} You owe me something that is < for a change.


1501-02    (04665 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a game of Go Fish for Masters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, European politics.
}
} "Got any votes for an austerity budget?"  "Go fish."
}
} You owe the Oracle a dime for his Euro.


1501-03    (13296 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need a more flexible way to sumbit questions to you. Up to now, any
> time my questions fell into the Porcelain Sanitary Euphemism I had to
> hang them up to dry before I could ship them to you. They often got
> crinkled and wrinkled, and ironing did not help.
>
> If you will please give me a telescope I can look at them more closely
> and you won't have to squat as much to see what I am saying. Or did I
> mean squint instead of squat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, are you in luck!  We are currently in the process
} of rolling out a brand new interface, and no telescope
} is needed.  It's starting only in major cities, but we
} plan to expand rapidly assuming the response is good.
}
} Basically, you'll find my incarnations positioned
} in doorways, alleys, and cardboard boxes at various
} locations throughout the downtown shopping and
} banking districts.  When you stumble across one,
} perhaps literally, take a moment to try out the
} interface.  Just lean over, if necessary, and say
} in a clear and steady voice something like "Oh
} Oracle, Most Wise, keeper of a thousand flames of
} sagacity, please answer me this question: how much
} wood..."
}
} Well, don't actually ask the marmot question.  You
} get the idea.
}
} In many cases you will receive an answer right away;
} often it will be trenchant and observational, or
} deeply spiritual and even messianic, or lusty and
} a bit earthy, no different than you are accustomed
} to from the Oracle.  In fact, these incarnations are
} the very cream of the crop, exactly the ones you
} already communicate with, so expect the unexpected.
}
} Occasionally the reply will be in the form of coded
} gibberish, or vomit or urine, each of which you will
} have to interpret for yourself.  If the incarnation
} seems irate, don't be alarmed, this is just part of
} the experience.
}
} In other cases the incarnation may not reply, or for
} that matter even appear to have heard you.  Don't
} worry about that either; this is merely the equivalent
} of "The Oracle is pondering your question."  Come
} back another time and see if your response is ready.
}
} You are welcome to attempt an "ask me", as well.
} Try your best to make sense of the question you
} receive, and then answer it.  Be forewarned, it may
} be difficult to turn off this feature, once invoked.
}
} If the incarnation requests some form of tribute, it
} is recommended that you give with a glad heart.
}
} I hope you enjoy this new initiative, and I look
} forward to seeing the beta-test report from Zadoc.
}
} You owe the Oracle (you guessed it) spare change.


1501-04    (14763 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Everyone's a comedian.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Explain Yakov Smirnoff, then.
}
} You owe the Oracle ... no wait, the Oracle owes YOU!


1501-05    (06942 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, it's "Beelzebub" time again. As you know from my previous
> questions (or from your unceremonious omniscience), our pastor has
> trouble pronouncing and spelling certain words, particularly ones in
> the Bible. When he comes across the word "sepulcher" he is sort of
> quiet for half a minute or more and then says "sepulveda". Makes
> Easter rather hard to take.
>
> But it's Beelzebub that's really got him. It's supposed to be four
> syllables, BAY-ELLL-ZERR-BUB. He continues to say "BEEZ-ELL-BULB, just
> three syllables. He's gotten into telling us that the Devil has
> grabbed us by the tail, or by his own tail (Beelzebub's own tail, not
> the pastor's), but he says "Beezelbulb", and in the Notes From Your
> Pastor weekly bulletin he has an article entitles BEEZELLBULB'S TALE
> HAS HE GOT YOU YET?
>
> So on a certain level he does understand that he is wrong, and that he
> does not understand.
>
> How many Oracles or supplicants or whatever does it take to change a
> Beezelbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, we don't.  The priests Screwtape them in all day long.


1501-06    (04764 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You're like Santa Claus, aren't you.  I have to fill in as you some of
> the time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suppose I'm a little like Santa. We both get around.
} We both dress flamboyantly (but masculinely).  We both
} have doubles who cover for us from time to time.  He
} has a misfit/outcast reindeer named Rudolph while I
} have a misfit/outcast creature of some sort named Zadoc.
}
} But the differences are pretty significant.  Mrs Claus
} is a bit frumpy compared to my Lisa.  And I'm not
} content with leaving a lump of coal for bad boys and
} girls - the Staff of Zot is much more satisfying to me.
}
} The biggest difference, however, is the direction in
} which tribute/presents flow.
}
} You owe the Oracle a package of socks and underwear,
} wrapped nicely.


1501-07    (45642 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why isn't diarrhea listed in the periodic table? It seems so alien and
> indestructible, I feel like it should be its own element.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your copy of the periodic table is incomplete, as are most on Earth.
} Diarrhea (symbol Dh) is part of the Horrible group (between the
} Forbiddens and 'Pixie Stix' Flavors on my periodic table) along with,
} for instance the greasy dust that congeals on everything at K-Mart (Km)
} and Wyomingum (Wy), the primary chemical constituent of the State of
} Wyoming.
}
} You owe the Oracle an unabridged Bible. Not the trimmed-down Earth
} edition; the one with the Gospel of Jerry (Springer).


1501-08    (19731 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Know any good paraprosdokian sentences?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best paraprosdokian sentence... is the one kept secret.


1501-09    (13674 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it possible to write a haiku without vowels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thr 1ts ws mn frm Jpn
} Whs ptr jst wdnt scn
} Whn h ws sk wh
} Dd qckl rpl
} t's bcs lws tr ft smnwrdsntlstlnpssblcn
}
} Nope. Only limericks.


1501-10    (63a02 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A-wop, bop-baloo-bop, ballop-bam-boom.
> I just got back from...
>
> What comes next?  I can't find those lyrics anywhere.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you are referring to the *dirty* lyrics for Tutti
} Frutti.  Little Richard's record company insisted on
} watering down the lyrics for the masses, but here is
} the original version.
}
} A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom!
} Tutti frutti, all rooty!
} Tutti frutti, all rooty!
} Just got back from...a mud puddle
} It sent me into a fuddle
} Just got back from a mud puddle
} It sent me into a fuddle
} I slop to the east,
} I slop to the west,
} Yeah that mud puddle's
} The one I love best.
} (repeat chorus)
}
} You owe the Oracle a pack of Juicy Fruit gum.


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