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Internet Oracularities #1502

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1502, 1502-01, 1502-02, 1502-03, 1502-04, 1502-05, 1502-06, 1502-07, 1502-08, 1502-09, 1502-10


Internet Oracularities #1502    (24 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2012 20:22:41 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1502
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1502  24 votes 23c61 1a445 15684 56823 04776 15684 5c340 53781 146a3 07683
1502  3.1 mean  3.0   3.1   3.4   2.7   3.6   3.4   2.2   2.9   3.4   3.3


1502-01    (23c61 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is Justice best defined?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Justice is made of several things, mixed by centuries of ideologies and
} social pressure. To successfully analyse these individual components
} and thus get a better idea of the whole, it is necessary to "crack"
} Justice in a suitable laboratory of sorts. This is done by taking every
} reference to Justice in a single pile of books and papers and applying
} heat. The taller the pile, the better.
}
} After a few hours, if heat was applied correctly, the lighter
} components should be at the top and the heavier at the bottom. To
} sample properly, select a random height of the pile and extract two or
} three pages out of it. Read the keywords and most repeated words of
} them and jot them down somewhere (preferably not on your pants). Do the
} same thing at least 5 times and you'll have your first rough draft of
} the components of Justice, listed by relative weight. Once you have at
} least those five components, you...
}
} ...what? Oh, you said _define_... Well, this is awkward... Anyway, you
} owe the Oracle three Kjeldahl Nitrogen Analysis kits.


1502-02    (1a445 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it called a deca-cards?  I thought deca was 10.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      It still is.
}
}      The origins of cards dates back to 59 B.C. Switzerland, then
} called Confoederatio Helvetica, where the heads of the lead tribes
} Tigurini, Poseidonios, Verbigeni and Toygenoi had eaten lunch and
} dinner consecutively, resulting in a debate on how much cheese each
} had had, the beer and how the former influenced the latter. (Their tab
} being $65 and 46 cents, service not included)
}      The debate lasted until the fatigue caused by blood-loss became
} so severe that none of the tribe leaders managed to stand, much less
} swing anything. They then ordered something to keep the blood on the
} inside and something to restore that which had already leaked out. The
} bill then grew to about $97, 40 cents, not including service, damage
} to property, and support to the widows and orphans created during the
} altercation. The agenda then changed to a friendly discussion on how
} to decide who owed what, relative to what they wanted to pay, what
} they had wanted to eat, what they've got to pay, what they had eaten
} and drunk, and the personnel's view on these matters. By the time they
} had chosen to use small square cards to represent the individuals
} financial burden towards the establishment, the bill had risen to $211
} nil.
}      Finally the general design was agreed on, with the notable
} exeption of Toigenoi representative (who had fallen into light daze,
} talking to his late fathers late uncle about which colour of cheese
} would look good both in his ears and twixt his toes); ten cards of
} ascending value from 1 - 10 were to stand for the debt to the
} establishment, each card of each stacked marked by the icon of it's
} representative tribe. then one could add up to three cards depending
} on the quality of the service, as well as a wild card (called a
} jester) if there was something noone claimed they had ordered. The
} method of the system the cards would serve were never finalized nor
} their final tab never calculated as the Romans invaded before they
} could finish)
}      The tradition was carried on by the invaders however, and spread
} out through the Roman Empire, and became the standard resturant-bill
} settling tool with a variation of rules. In fact, in his epic "The
} History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire", Edward Gibbon
} states that:
}
}   "...one of the main reason behind their [the Senate] condemnation of
} Domitian's memory, were the fact that they never came out in favor
} after a session of cards. The accumulation of complex, even
} contradictory in some cases, rules were rapid due to Domitian's
} autocratic nature and habit of saying 'You can't do that, it's against
} the rules I just made!'. However, the incomprehensibility surrounding
} the rules of cards helped Domitian maintain a  ruthless but efficient
} rule over the state, whose cultural, economic and political program
} provided the foundation of the peaceful 2nd century."
}
}      It's due to tradition therefore, it is called a deka(10) cards,
} refering to each colour rather than the stack (consisting of four
} deka). But feel free to add more when determining what to pay, as
} waiters frequently have to live on jacks, queens and kings.
}
} You Owe the Oracle 135 points, 20% service and 12.5% tax to the
} Glorious Roman Empire.


1502-03    (15684 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please tellme how I can work with an IMPOSSIBLE
> co-worker, one I despise and wish under dirt more than under my thumb.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I thought at first this was a duplicate submission,
} but I checked the mail headers and the earlier one
} came from your co-worker.  Sorry, I already gave a
} reply; replying to you now to would only counteract
} the advice I already gave.
}
} You owe the Oracle greetings at your next job.


1502-04    (56823 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most Ornitological and Hydrodynamically Aware,
> pray tell me and enlighten me:
>
> - How come the chicken drinks but does not pee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well... you know...
}
} It's beca......
}
} Owww what was it?
}
} Hang on...
}
} Yes! 42!
}
} No, no...
}
} does not pee... hmm.....
}
} So the chicken drinks.. and then.....
}
} noooo.. can't be that....
}
} how strange....
}
} Oh! I know!
}
} Because there is no 'P' in 'Chicken'!
}
} You owe the Oracle an line content checker.
}
} (P.S. Really? over 600 lines, lucky you didn't get got! Now that
} really does remind me! *ZOT*)


1502-05    (04776 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Amsterdarn.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, we get off the plane at the next stop, Hecksinki.


1502-06    (15684 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that some people program computers for the hack of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, the same way some incarnations answer questions just for pun.


1502-07    (5c340 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Plus one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hardly. For proper golf, one wears plus fours and argyle socks. Nothing
} else.


1502-08    (53781 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My brother sent me an e-mail note and says he wants to tell me all
> about his cow orkers. Do I really want to know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, his entire staff is full of bull.


1502-09    (146a3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was trying to save things and gain some time by making it all
> different, but it didn't work. Now I have a huge pile of junk, stuff I
> really don't need, all mixed in with the critical items for tomorrow's
> trial, where I have to show evidence. Where can I find some evidence,
> fast? Nixon's tapes have an 18-minute gasp, so they won't do.
>
> Oh, and this time I spell checked everything so I won't look like and
> idiot like last time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, you've reached the Oracle's Evidence Production Hotline. We can
} meet all your needs from photographs of flags on the moon to birth
} certificates from the state of your choice. Whether you want to prove
} the existence of Bigfoot or cold fusion, we'll be happy to help. Please
} listen to all our options as choices may have changed:
}
} If you'd like to place a new order, press 1.
} If you have a question concerning an existing order, press 2.
} For support for orders already delivered, press 3.
} For all other inquiries, press 0 or stay on the line.
}
} *1*
}
} Thank you. The Oracle's Evidence Production Hotline will be happy to
} assist you in placing your order. Please listen to all our options as
} choices may have changed:
}
} Press 1 for evidence for mythological creatures.
} Press 2 for evidence of supernatural events.
} Press 3 for evidence for or against global warming.
} Press 4 for evidence involving major political figures.
} Press 5 for concerning the 9/11 attacks.
} Press 6 for evidence admissible in a court of law.
} Press 7 for evidence of WMD.
} Press 8 for evidence of the superiority of various operating systems,
} hardware, or programming languages.
} Press 9 for evidence of activity on Google+.
} For all other evidence requests, press 0 or stay on the line.
}
} *6*
}
} Thank you. The Oracle's Evidence Production Hotline reminds all users
} that evidence used in a court of law should have the Oracle's Evidence
} Production Hotline stickers removed prior to introduction as evidence.
} Failure to comply may result in reduced confidence in the evidence from
} the jury. Please listen to all our options as choices may have changed:
}
} Press 1 for fingerprints.
} Press 2 for DNA.
} Press 3 for deeds, wills, suicide notes, and other documentation.
} Press 4 for murder weapons, spent casings, or ammunition.
} Press 5 for gloves.
} Press 6 for illegal narcotics.
} Press 7 for photographs.
} Press 8 for expert testimony.
} Press 9 for witnesses.
} For all other evidence requests, press 0 or stay on the line.
}
} *7*
}
} Thank you. The Oracle's Evidence Production Hotline's Photoshop
} division is closed for a religious holiday, but will re-open the day
} after tomorrow. Please call back between the hours of 2AM and 3:42AM
} and we will be happy to take your order. Have a nice day!
}
} You owe the Oracle a grainy photograph of a man using Gimp on a grassy
} knoll.


1502-10    (07683 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have prepared to meet my doom.  Why is my doom taking so long to
> come?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are sorry to keep a priority customer like you waiting, but it's
} all for the good of the environment..
}
} You see, as part of the Oracle's "Going Green"-process, we have
} connected the Staff of Zot to a giant hamster-wheel, operated by the
} current Priest on Duty.  (The "Green" part is when exhaustion makes
} the priest throw up.)  Anyway, since the priests aren't among the
} fittest and strongest, recharging takes a bit longer than planned.
} And I can't even zot them for it, because the we would have to start
} all over again.
}
} We hope your doom will soon be ready.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bullwhip.  That should speed things up a bit.


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