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Internet Oracularities #1503

Goto:
1503, 1503-01, 1503-02, 1503-03, 1503-04, 1503-05, 1503-06, 1503-07, 1503-08, 1503-09, 1503-10


Internet Oracularities #1503    (24 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:23:42 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1503
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1503  24 votes 08673 29553 23388 54852 26565 065a3 39543 16971 66525 23784
1503  3.1 mean  3.2   2.9   3.7   2.8   3.2   3.4   2.8   3.0   2.8   3.4


1503-01    (08673 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it called the "Periodic" table?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because as you go through the list, Premensium, a difficult and highly
} reactive element, keeps coming by again. Eventually it goes away, but
} then it sets all the other elements on fire.


1503-02    (29553 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are rats eating my toes?
>
> I mean, I didn't mind it as much when they ate my roommate's toes, but
> this is really where I put my foot down.  Well, at least where I WOULD
> have put my foot down.
>
> Please hurry, dear Oracle, as the game is a-foot.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is what you get for standing toe to toe with your roommate.
} Once a rat gets hold of some food he's going to keep coming, and he
} may like sweets like toe jam.  You need to put something else out
} before you suffer de-feet...
}
} Hobble to a shopping center with a home improvement store like Lowes or
} Home Depot and a grocery store like Safeway, Giant, Food Lion, etc.
}
} Get some common cement at the home improvement store.  Get some
} baking tins and flour at the grocery.  Mix well 5 pounds of flour
} with the same amount of cement into a baking tin.  Place this down
} on the ground next to another tin containing generous amounts of
} water.  Any rats will eat this, get very thirsty, drink the water
} and soon develop a fatal case of indigestion.  Plus it's not
} poisonous so it avoids rats usual method of detecting poison.
}
} You owe The Oracle a copy of the song "Turn to Stone" by the Electric
} Light Orchestra.


1503-03    (23388 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Prove me wrong if you can.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right.
}
} It is a known fact that juice in open metal containers spoils. Juice in
} closed plastic containers does not.
}
} Therefore, you should always bottle juice. You're wrong if you can.


1503-04    (54852 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Rutabagas.
>
> Rutabagas, rutabagas, rutabagas.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, don't blame me.  You said you liked a job where you could eat.  If
} you wanted a baking job you should have been more specific.


1503-05    (26565 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Why is there blood in my stool?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You made that bet last Saturday night that you could build a plane out
} of spare plywood and garden tools. The table in your garden shed was
} cluttered as usual, so you put the plywood on the stool when you were
} drilling holes in it to put the screws in. Your depth perception wasn't
} exactly perfect, so a couple of times you drilled right through into
} the stool.
}
} When the glider was ready, Jimmy sat at the controls, started the
} lawnmower (whose blade was the propeller of the craft) and took off. It
} had to be Jimmy because he was the lightest, so he was easiest for the
} plane to carry, and also he had the best alcohol intake to body weight
} ratio.
}
} Unfortunately, when he was flying over the house for the third time,
} the planting spade that was the plane's rudder detached and he crashed
} right through the roof of your shed. His right foot got badly cut by
} one of the two sicles which you had so ingeniously used as rudder
} pedals, and some of the blood got into the holes in the stool.
}
} Of course you were all too drunk to remember any of this.
}
} You owe the Oracle the submarine Jimmy built on the previous weekend.
} Yes I know it's suicide to try to use it, but I just want the ethanol
} he put in the ballast tanks.


1503-06    (065a3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aphrodite might have gotten most of the attention from the fellows,
> but Athena sounds far more intriguing.  Off the record, any tips on
> winning the attentions of the brainy member of the Olympus set?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forget about Athena.  Any girl who springs from
} the forehead of her father has Daddy Issues you
} do *not* want to get mixed up in.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Greek salad.


1503-07    (39543 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've notice that sometimes your responses seem out of character -- why
> is that?  Normally you give quite logical and intelligent responses,
> but other times it almost sounds as though you're talking about
> yourself in the third person . . . even as if this were nothing but an
> elaborate hoax!
>
>  -- A Concerned Inquisitor

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A hoax does not have to be elaborate. Indeed, if you were to ask the
} Oracle about it, you might receive either a convoluted answer or
} another simple hoax. Sometimes, on the other hand, the Oracle feels
} rather puckish, and answers a question other than the one that was
} asked. Indeed, if the Oracle were predictable, there would be no need
} for an Oracle. It's sort of like the ontological argument for the
} Existence of God. (Go look that up.)
}
} So here is your answer for today: The Chicago Cubs.
}
} You owe the Oracle an attempt to make money by betting on today's
} answer.


1503-08    (16971 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where have all the flowers gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should have thought about them _before_ her birthday,
} not three days after. Due to the dull weather in November,
} a lot of people have their birthdays in August, so you really
} should have planned ahead.
}
} You owe the Oracle an idea for a Mother's day gift, like right now.


1503-09    (66525 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know the truth, so answer me: Is it really hip to be a square?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle-Vision fades with wavy lines and 1950s SciFi B-Movie
} theremin effects, and we're taken to a meeting between a record
} company PR executive, and the recently reformed Beach Boys.
}
} PR Executive: Hey Guys, everything's great. The new album's selling
} well, the tour's selling out, and we're all really happy with
} everything.
}
} Mike Love: Thanks. But there's something that we want you to do for us.
}
} PR Executive: Sure, anything for you guys.
}
} Mike Love: The people coming to our concerts, they're just a bit, you
} know, old.
}
} PR Executive: Yes.
}
} Mike Love: The last time we toured with Brian in the band, the people
} coming to see us were, you know, younger.
}
} PR Executive: Yes, that would have been the mid 60s, wouldn't it?
}
} Al Jardine: But we can still hit the high notes. We've got hundreds of
} songs man. How can we not be cool?
}
} PR Executive: Let me count the ways. Hands up everyone who's had a hip
} replacement.
}
} [All Beach Boys raise their hands]
}
} PR Executive: Hands up everyone who has gone bald.
}
} [The Beach Boys look shifty and Mike Love pulls his cap down on his
} head]
}
} Brian Wilson: Hey! We've been here half an hour already. When's that
} waiter bringing the menu?
}
} Bruce Johnson: You gotta find a way to make us cool again. I've had my
} care nurse do a bit of research, and there's this new genre called
} "hatecore". We record a hatecore album, we release it, we're cool
} again. I've even been practicing this new fangled e-nun-ci-a-tion.
} [sings] I write the songs that make the young girls HATE THEIR PARENTS
} HATE HATE HATE.
}
} PR Executive: You guys are serious?!?!?
}
} Mike Love: We're as serious as Murry Wilson avoiding paying a tip.
} You've gotta do something. How can The Beach Boys be uncool when we
} have a Republican President?
}
} PR Executive: We don't have a Republican President, George Bush hasn't
} been president for almost four years.
}
} Al Jardine: Who is this "George Bush" and when did Nixon stop being
} president?
}
} Brian Wilson: We're all sitting around a table. Hey guys, why are we
} all sitting around a table? Is there going to be some sushi coming
} around on those little plates?
}
} David Marks: Can I just remind something that I was a Beach Boy in the
} early 60s and played on the first five albums even though nobody
} remembers that?
}
} PR Executive: Listen guys, think yourself lucky that your baby boomer
} fans are still around to buy your product and go to your concerts. But
} "cool", sorry but you're 40 years too late.
}
} Mike Love: Oh please, do something.
}
} PR Executive: Sorry, no can do you doddering...
}
} Mike Love: We'll tell Brian to hold his breath and until he goes blue.
}
} PR Executive: You wouldn't dare. And even if you did, he'd have to
} take a breath eventually.
}
} Mike Love: Brian. Hold your breath.........
}
} PR Executive: Hey, he's actually going blue. Tell him to stop. TELL
} HIM TO STOP. BRIAN, BREATHE!!!!
}
} [much later, at a concert by post-Gangsta rapper Young Trav]
}
} Young Trav: Yo! We've got a special guest for all you people out
} there. Mike Love of The Beach Boys is in the house, yo.
}
} [using a walker, Mike Love shuffles out onto the stage]
}
} Mike Love: Surfer Biatch. She's my Surfer BIATCH.......


1503-10    (23784 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what can I do to stop this wolf from chewing my neck?
> very urgent plz

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aw man, I knew I should've gotten around to this one sooner.


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