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Internet Oracularities #1504

Goto:
1504, 1504-01, 1504-02, 1504-03, 1504-04, 1504-05, 1504-06, 1504-07, 1504-08, 1504-09, 1504-10


Internet Oracularities #1504    (22 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 18 Sep 2012 12:59:35 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1504
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1504  22 votes 17761 58252 35842 56722 56641 25951 21766 2a424 86332 28732
1504  2.8 mean  3.0   2.6   2.9   2.5   2.5   2.9   3.6   2.8   2.3   2.8


1504-01    (17761 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My aunt Susie says we are all going to France. My uncle Derf (who
> delights in walking backwards to explain his name) says that French
> food includes something called creeps.
>
> I already know they have snails and frogs and other inedible food in
> France. What the hell are creeps? Should I try to avoid France, like
> maybe go to Bulgium instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You haven't heard the worst: the French will insist
} on giving you PAIN at every meal.
}
} So will the French-speaking Belgians.


1504-02    (58252 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scooby DON'T.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ohhhhh, Scooby DO, my friend........Scooby DO!


1504-03    (35842 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He said I should use a "socks proxy". What's that?
> And can I wear sandals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, you winsock, you lose socks. Especially if you are Erma Bombeck
} doing laundry.
}
} You owe Rowan and Martin a TCP/IP packet.


1504-04    (56722 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You KNEW when I wrote to you about Anubis that I meant the Egyption
> god of the Dead, and NOT something about "a nudist" but you went on
> regardless, and I put it into my assignment for a Ancient History
> paper, and fortunately the Professsor did not read that part and we
> got away with it. Now it's gong to be pumblished in the college
> Records for All Enternity. We've got to get it fixred before something
> happens I don't know what.
>
> I fear an apochalypse or an appoplexy or worse.
>
> Please send good advice this time. I always trust you implicaplicitly.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An apathy-poplexy seems far more likely. Cut-and-Paste scholarship is
} all the rage on campus and probably features prominently in the college
} records of which you speak.
}
} The Oracle awards you two firm swats from the Staff of Zot ...[ZOT!
} ZARK!]
}
} The first is for an utter lack of gratitude or grovelling.
}
} The second is for thinking ancient Eqyptian death-Gods are more
} interesting than Oracular prononcements on nudism.
}
} You owe the oracle a pair of Ray-Bans and a Brazillian Wax.


1504-05    (56641 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think we're speaking two different languages, here.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vous n'avez pas raison, weil Deiner Orakel mehr als dos Idiomas
} govorit. Han snakkar molto bene. Ni dong bu dong? Tot ziens.


1504-06    (25951 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howard Gnng here again. Gotta do something about my name. People
> pronounce it "Gong" instead of Gnng. but that's not my problem toady.
>
> All I need is help with some abstruse philosophy from Hegel. We've got
> his thesis, his antithesis and his synthesis. That, taken all together,
> is Hegel's thesis.
>
> So the antithesis is that there IS NO THESIS--that Hegel's ideas are a
> pile of crap.
>
> So what's the synthesis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Think of it this way:
}
} THESIS: Hegel developed the Thesis, Antithesis, Synthesis theory.
} ANTITHESIS: Actually, he didn't. Kant did; Hegel just referred to it.
} SYNTHESIS: You're both bloody morons. The credit really belongs to
} Fichte.
}
} You owe the Oracle a glass full of beer that contains no beer, and an
} explanation of how that can be reconciled.


1504-07    (21766 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is food truck selling meth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, that's an understandable typo. The food truck is selling math...
} But keep it on the down-low. If you order a triple meat burrito with a
} soft shell carne taco and a New Coke, you can slip any equation on a
} small piece of paper between the bills you use to pay for the food, and
} the guy in the back will solve the equation for you.
}
} He makes good business, simply because his only real competition is the
} Math Hotline, which you can reach at
} 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].


1504-08    (2a424 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's with all the blank lines at the end?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can order them with any side you like. Since they have zero
} calories, I'd suggest getting the bacon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a French cooking show called France Is Bakin'.


1504-09    (86332 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need help with astromony. My friend Beulah says that her planet is
> Mars and it is retrograde. I asked her what that meant and she said it
> is like grade horses they don't have any parents. Now I think she is
> like totally.
>
> She asked my sign and I said Slippery When Wet and she said don't be
> silly and I laughed because I was being silly of course. All this
> astromology stuff is really a croc?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, astrology is one of the oldest systems of knowledge known to
} man.  Although authorities disagree as to its origins and history,
} there are still many people today who wallpaper bucket in it.
}
} Some cultures, such as the Tibetans and the spam have had very
} advanced systems of coconut plaster horticulture pump. However, most
} are not. Donkey marimba scapular entitled teenage bastard what ought
} to have her face sawn off, but the system of twelve constellations may
} have risen as a response to this.
}
} However, when we grapple with midget plumb suace ducketty ducketty
} DUCK DUCK DUCK NONNNY!!!!!! We are confronted with the fact that most
} of these systems empty their bladders
} POON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


1504-10    (28732 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't change the subject!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Should I change the ruler instead? The subject is much easier to change
} because he isn't trying to keep up appearances. Besides, if you hadn't
} been using the time machine to arrange a blind taste test of different
} colas for Archimedes, this wouldn't have happened in the first place.
} You owe the Oracle a grovel written in the Haiku format and the Klingon
} language.


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