[IO]
Internet Oracle
29 Mar 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 1:25:13 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1505

Goto:
1505, 1505-01, 1505-02, 1505-03, 1505-04, 1505-05, 1505-06, 1505-07, 1505-08, 1505-09, 1505-10


Internet Oracularities #1505    (24 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 09 Oct 2012 08:30:00 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1505
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1505  24 votes 14892 25566 18771 235b3 14379 28851 76632 24954 16746 16548
1505  3.2 mean  3.3   3.4   3.0   3.4   3.8   2.8   2.5   3.2   3.3   3.5


1505-01    (14892 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is romance all it's cracked up to be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes it is. On the other hand, crack's not romantic at all.


1505-02    (25566 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All right, I'm confused.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I can understand why!  Coming up the front steps, you trod upon
} the Secret Step of Serendipity which is, of course, booby-trapped.
} The explosion hurled you up onto the Mezzanine of Mediocrity, which is
} when the unemployed politicians jumped you.  As the Temple Guards
} tried to intervene, somebody opened the cage of the Lustrous Lion.  It
} turned up its nose at the ex-politicians and attacked the Guards
} instead, preventing them from helping you.  In the meantime, your
} captors were hustling your slightly burned body into the Den of
} Donations, where they stole your wallet.  Dazed and confused, you
} wandered out of there into the Hallway of Hysteria, where you
} apparently had some kind of fit.  A passing maid found you and dragged
} you into the Foyer of Fantastic Beasts.  Normally, that would have
} been a fine place for you to recover, but unfortunately, the smoke
} rising from your smoldering clothing confused the Phoenix, which
} spontaneously combusted, thereby setting fire to the Portcullis of
} Prosperity.  When the ropes burned through, the portcullis crashed to
} the ground, spilling the day's donations across the floor and
} startling the Unicorn of Ubiquity, which started running around so
} fast it appeared to be everywhere at once.  At some point, it scooped
} you up with its horn and hurled you through the doorway into the
} Atrium of Audience, where I happened to be, listening to supplicants.
} I quickly revived you with my patented facial cream, not available in
} any store, but available to you right now for the low, low price of
} only $49.99 per tube.  But wait, there's more!  If you order right
} now, I'll also throw in a Ronco Turnip Twaddler for free!  That's
} right, free!
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything.  Just lie back, and repeat this
} soothing mantra: "I will not sue.  I will become the Oracle's
} downline.  I will not sue.  I will become the Oracle's downline....."


1505-03    (18771 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What proof is there that Mark did such things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We have the word of Matthew, Luke and John.
}
} Also check the works of Sam Clemens.


1505-04    (235b3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey!
} Who put my 'Good supplicant' list on Wikileaks?


1505-05    (14379 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Uh, how do I get past security?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go to future security and wait.


1505-06    (28851 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I planed to go home after breakfast but now my teeth are stuck in my
> nose. Is this the Great Inca Curse, or am I just praying to the wrong
> gods and oracles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem isn't who you're praying to, it's that you're merely
} praying.  Ask not what your gods and oracles can do for you, ask what
} you can do for your gods and oracles.
}
} For example, I foresee that as long as the Oracle doesn't have a new
} Kindle Fire HD 8.9" 4G LTE, you will continue to have michina dentata.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new Kindle Fire HD 8.9" 4G LTE.  (32 GB is fine,
} but the 64 GB model means six more weeks without athlete's foot.)


1505-07    (76632 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What on earth possessed Jake to cheat on his girlfriend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a word, <CENSORED>. Jake really enjoyed the <CENSORED> on his
} girlfriend, but the <CENSORED> that <CENSORED> had, and the way she
} offered to <CENSORED> his <CENSORED> make Jake <CENSORED>, especially
} since Jake hadn't <CENSORED> in <CENSORED>, and hadn't <CENSORED> at
} all since he and his girlfriend started <CENSORED>. If only <CENSORED>
} had <CENSORED> Jake's <CENSORED>, then perhaps Jake would have been
} true. But since <CENSORED> <CENSORED> and <CENSORED>, the <CENSORED>
} only leaves one <CENSORED> for <CENSORED> to <CENSORED>. And that
} infallible truth is: <CENSORED>.
}
} This message has been approved by the Tea Party.


1505-08    (24954 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You're familiar with WWJD, but what if someone had a sign that said,
> "What Would Dan Rather Do?"  Is that talking about Dan Rather, or just
> "Dan"'s preferences?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Dan," rather than Dan Rather would think that "What Would Dan Rather
} Do?" means, rather than "What Would *Dan Rather* Do," "What Would 'Dan'
} Rather Do?" referring to "Dan," rather than Dan Rather. Dan Rather
} thinks that, rather than "Dan," "What Would Dan Rather Do?" means "What
} Would *Dan Rather* Do," rather than "What Would 'Dan' Rather Do?". Dan
} Rather, rather than "Dan," is correct.


1505-09    (16746 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You're so vain, you probably think this question is directed to you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Did you know that over 75% of supplicants take generalizations
} personally?


1505-10    (16548 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O.O
>  v

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WELL, THE WATER WAS COLD!


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org