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Internet Oracularities #1506

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1506, 1506-01, 1506-02, 1506-03, 1506-04, 1506-05, 1506-06, 1506-07, 1506-08, 1506-09, 1506-10


Internet Oracularities #1506    (22 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 06 Nov 2012 08:38:57 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1506
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1506  22 votes 42853 26a31 33475 78331 36823 172a2 16b13 27463 47821 07753
1506  2.9 mean  3.0   2.8   3.4   2.2   2.8   3.2   3.0   3.0   2.5   3.2


1506-01    (42853 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I run out of toilet paper only when I am on the "throne"? It
> would be a lot easier if it would run out while I was standing in front
> of the linen closet, where we keep the spare rolls.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Somehow, I'm not sure I want to hear about what you end up doing
} instead.


1506-02    (26a31 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I asked you for a sign. I said, "Give me a sign." You replied "-".
>
> So I tried again, and you said, "OUT TO LUNCH".
>
> Well, I thought maybe I spelled something wrong, and I asked, "Give me
> a sing."
>
> You sang, "OUT TO LUNCH - BACH IN A FUGUE MINUETS" to a tune by
> Leonardo DaVinci, which I thought was rather appropriate of my error.
> Fancy, but like his helicopter, it didn't work.
>
> Well, then I spelled it "sign" again and you gave me Taurus. You did
> this three times. Taurus. Taurus. Taurus. What a pile of Taurus.
>
> I began to get the message.
>
> I think I was born under the Wrong Sign. Can you get my horoscope
> changed to Draco or O'Ryan or maybe Cloepatra. Some better
> constarnation than what my mother gave me? (And yes indeed, that was
> Taurus.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your sign is obviously Gemini. You see, I could never have sung you
} "OUT TO LUNCH - BACH IN A FUGUE MINUETS to a tune by Leonardo DaVinci"
} because this is just a stream of plain text sent to your computer.
} You're obviously delusional, having intricate conversations with
} yourself. Furthermore, you display a high degree of paranoia, imagining
} that the person you're having these conversations with, i.e. your other
} self, is out to play tricks on you with snarky responses. So I hence
} dub thee Gemini. I wonder if that even means anything though, as I'm
} sure you've already given yourself another stupid pun as a response.


1506-03    (33475 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Etiam urna
> ipsum, hendrerit nec mattis nec, pellentesque ac erat. Sed eget varius
> neque. Morbi erat eros, congue in pharetra in, lacinia sit amet ipsum.
> Proin orci nibh, lobortis ac dignissim et, lacinia posuere arcu. Sed
> at enim purus, eget aliquam augue. Duis dui lectus, sollicitudin ac
> vestibulum sed, commodo ullamcorper magna. Sed lobortis luctus nulla,
> in fringilla diam consectetur non. Sed arcu turpis, elementum eu
> lobortis eget, bibendum vitae ligula. Praesent varius nisl vitae purus
> cursus dictum non sit amet justo. In nec nunc massa.
>
> Mauris interdum bibendum nisl id congue. Vivamus turpis turpis,
> blandit ut tempor nec, semper sed leo. Donec tincidunt bibendum eros,
> ac euismod justo rhoncus sit amet. Praesent augue turpis, vestibulum
> sit amet congue varius, tincidunt id quam. Phasellus massa velit,
> consequat nec laoreet eu, molestie quis nulla. Sed tincidunt, diam
> eget lobortis dignissim, neque turpis ullamcorper lectus, at aliquam
> magna ante vel sapien. Praesent nisi nunc, mattis et pharetra vel,
> vehicula nec tortor.
>
> Mauris et mauris nibh. Mauris eu bibendum justo. In mattis rhoncus
> felis, nec pulvinar metus mattis vel. Donec consequat purus et enim
> mollis eget elementum elit egestas. Aliquam varius elit vel enim
> mattis convallis quis sed est. Praesent ut arcu sed odio molestie
> pretium in eu nibh. Donec in massa dui, non tincidunt ipsum. Mauris
> tempus ultricies condimentum.
>
> Sed congue tristique convallis. Maecenas arcu eros, gravida quis
> molestie sit amet, adipiscing vitae libero. Ut ornare odio viverra
> enim dignissim sit amet molestie massa facilisis. Phasellus at lectus
> at dui molestie convallis eget quis augue. Sed sagittis, sapien in
> elementum lobortis, quam urna cursus nunc, vel interdum sapien diam eu
> augue. Curabitur condimentum sollicitudin ipsum at luctus. Integer a
> dui at felis convallis venenatis vitae nec magna. Praesent eget nulla
> at nulla varius vehicula. Nullam ut dignissim enim. Nam quis libero ut
> nunc luctus vulputate. Morbi at molestie nisl. Duis vel ante magna,
> quis tristique sem. Nulla sollicitudin augue in urna pretium
> elementum. Pellentesque fringilla mauris a eros feugiat ut ornare eros
> vulputate. Aenean sed justo sed enim euismod mattis.
>
> Morbi vehicula ligula in sapien tempus vitae dictum lorem dignissim.
> In quam arcu, sagittis ac tempus vitae, pellentesque et felis. Proin
> id nulla sed odio interdum semper at et nunc. In hac habitasse platea
> dictumst. Fusce dignissim tellus eu lacus scelerisque eget viverra dui
> hendrerit. Morbi sapien erat, molestie id ultrices vel, porta eu
> libero. Donec at enim magna. Morbi elementum, tortor in egestas
> bibendum, felis augue varius massa, sit amet aliquam orci sem a lacus.
> Proin condimentum viverra nisl eget sagittis. Duis ante justo, cursus
> sit amet facilisis eu, sodales et ipsum. Fusce quam erat, sagittis sit
> amet pellentesque sit amet, condimentum ac diam. Proin gravida leo ut
> lectus sagittis ac faucibus risus tincidunt. Phasellus viverra leo id
> neque ultricies varius. Sed scelerisque, metus vitae gravida euismod,
> risus turpis venenatis tellus, a volutpat leo purus consequat purus.
>
> Sed sagittis sapien egestas ligula mattis eu eleifend nibh egestas.
> Quisque pharetra porttitor elit, sit amet euismod urna faucibus eget.
> Praesent sollicitudin, massa in consequat dapibus, metus libero
> rhoncus nunc, eget elementum mi mi a diam. Donec velit libero, gravida
> nec sollicitudin vel, accumsan nec leo. Sed consequat accumsan
> ultricies. Vivamus feugiat tortor quis lorem accumsan volutpat. Donec
> faucibus vulputate quam vel consectetur. Proin felis mauris, elementum
> sed semper quis, porttitor eu ligula. In vitae augue id felis
> ullamcorper iaculis. Curabitur eros erat, accumsan sit amet eleifend
> id, ultrices et ante.
>
> Quisque ullamcorper euismod enim ut mattis. Nulla laoreet commodo
> mauris. Etiam erat magna, suscipit vel scelerisque at, molestie ut
> ipsum. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Sed ac
> ipsum quis diam posuere consectetur eget cursus magna. Nunc auctor
> libero sed odio interdum blandit. Nulla erat libero, imperdiet at
> auctor malesuada, bibendum sed lorem. Sed elementum elit quis tortor
> sollicitudin pharetra. Vivamus ullamcorper nunc at tellus fringilla
> fringilla. Aenean vulputate gravida elit bibendum fringilla.
> Vestibulum nisl odio, bibendum non tempor eu, bibendum et metus.
> Phasellus imperdiet ultrices auctor.
>
> Nullam sem nisi, scelerisque ut tincidunt vel, bibendum vel nunc.
> Proin viverra neque vel magna ullamcorper ut varius magna semper.
> Maecenas in urna enim, vel sagittis elit. Duis in mi eget libero
> malesuada dictum. Donec et nibh vel leo lobortis dictum id ut velit.
> Fusce at urna neque, non eleifend arcu. Cum sociis natoque penatibus
> et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus.
>
> Nunc sit amet ante erat, id tincidunt nibh. Nam vel libero vel massa
> pretium egestas. Praesent augue lacus, rutrum in posuere non, aliquam
> ultrices metus. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et
> netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Aenean ultrices tincidunt
> urna at sodales. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Curabitur faucibus
> aliquam volutpat. Etiam ullamcorper, nisl et cursus condimentum, risus
> velit gravida neque, et porttitor magna nisi eget enim. Nullam turpis
> turpis, dictum et tempus id, pellentesque non libero. Donec orci nibh,
> sodales et dictum vitae, facilisis pulvinar urna.
>
> Morbi vel est sem. Phasellus mi massa, scelerisque nec varius id,
> pulvinar et turpis. Sed sed ipsum iaculis elit ullamcorper interdum.
> Proin porttitor molestie quam, eu ornare nisl suscipit at. Proin
> vulputate pharetra ultrices. Pellentesque nisi odio, euismod quis
> egestas ut, bibendum non massa. Donec dignissim urna ut erat fermentum
> feugiat. Nulla erat tellus, auctor et ornare non, bibendum a lectus.
> Ut lobortis porta risus et lacinia.
>
> Mauris ut fermentum justo. Integer pulvinar dapibus laoreet. Quisque
> posuere faucibus nisi vitae tempor. Nulla facilisi. Quisque nec nisl
> odio, in porta metus. Nunc volutpat felis eget velit porttitor mattis.
> Aenean tincidunt, lectus vitae viverra adipiscing, sapien ipsum
> rhoncus orci, at molestie erat lectus id quam. Fusce lacinia est non
> diam congue eu aliquam nisl elementum.
>
> Vestibulum urna massa, congue in convallis sit amet, volutpat commodo
> nisi. Donec ut nisi vitae velit condimentum semper. Suspendisse
> suscipit tincidunt nisi, a vestibulum lectus blandit vel. In quis
> tellus eros. Nullam velit ipsum, semper et sodales vitae, placerat ut
> ligula. Donec lacinia est quis augue tempus tincidunt. Cras facilisis,
> mi non luctus faucibus, purus erat auctor nulla, et lacinia magna
> mauris vitae lectus. Nam quis mauris turpis, vitae semper magna. Donec
> sit amet odio nisi. Aliquam nec risus nec quam condimentum fermentum.
> Integer felis risus, ornare vel egestas nec, hendrerit at neque. Nulla
> lobortis, urna sed facilisis lacinia, diam lorem euismod dolor, sed
> aliquam odio nulla et odio.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, I hate to tell you this, but in spite of how it looks, I
} really don't think this meets your requirement of a 1000-word essay.


1506-04    (78331 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I take it the riddle troll is gone now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hin't.


1506-05    (36823 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now I'm so sleepy you would not believe it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, give it a rest.


1506-06    (172a2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the worst metaphor you've ever come across?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "The Cloud."
}
} The old word "automagically" was invented by nerds for nerds and was
} understood to be a silly term meaning, "Neat programming happens here;
} you needn't bother worrying about it, but you can read the code if you
} want to."
}
} "The Cloud" is a marketing metaphor for, "We'll do stuff for you over
} here on our machine, via the Internet. Don't worry that we might screw
} up, or hold your data hostage, or later turn the whole affair into a
} contract of adhesion. We aren't bad guys, because we say so. You really
} shouldn't try to understand."


1506-07    (16b13 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, contestant, but although your response is correct, in
} Paradox Jeopardy all non-answers must be phrased in the form of
} non-questions.


1506-08    (27463 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, let's play Go.  I'll need at least 10 stones from you, no doubt;
> you're that good.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, here's 11
}
} Mick Jagger
} Keith Richards
} Charlie Watts
} Ronnie Wood
}
} Past members
} Brian Jones
} Ian Stewart
} Bill Wyman
} Tony Chapman
} Dick Taylor
} Mick Taylor
} Carlo Little


1506-09    (47821 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Test. I hope that didn't cause any issues.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No way.  You need something funny - ten funny things, actually - to
} create an issue.  At best, you only made ten percent of one.  With my
} help, that is.


1506-10    (07753 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It seemed like a good idea. I got this e-mail promising a Supple-mental
> income. Just the right thing for a Suppli-can't like me.
>
> So I sent them my bank info like they said and they promised to double
> my money, and now my bank says my account is empty. How long will it
> take them to double my money and put it back in the bank? It's been two
> years already.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clearly they DID double your money; they just had to reduce it to $0
} first.


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