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Internet Oracularities #1509

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1509, 1509-01, 1509-02, 1509-03, 1509-04, 1509-05, 1509-06, 1509-07, 1509-08, 1509-09, 1509-10


Internet Oracularities #1509    (24 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2012 13:15:40 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1509
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1509  24 votes 33882 2b731 2246a 27c30 017c4 125b5 26853 43872 18492 1b840
1509  3.1 mean  3.1   2.6   3.8   2.7   3.8   3.7   3.0   3.0   3.1   2.6


1509-01    (33882 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the entomology of the word bug?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A bug is what you encounter when you try to use
} a computer to look up the etymology of the word
} etymology and find yourself in a recursisegmentation fault (core
} dumped)
}
} You owe the Oraclsegmentation fault (YOTO dumped)


1509-02    (2b731 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If bats could think and they created a superhero called Manbat, what
> would he look like? Would he shave his body? Cut off his wings? Affix
> his ears against his head?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is this a joke, or a riddle?  Or are you just being catty?  How do I
} know you don't have two faces about this?  Is this just a story about
} Red Riding Hood?
}
} Man, Simon says coming up with all these puns Hurts.
}
} You owe the Oracle issue #400 of DC.


1509-03    (2246a dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle vs. Sonic the Hedgehog: who wins?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Daily - Unix Epoch 1355032800
}
} *** SONIC THE HEDGEHOG AND THE ORACLE IN EPIC BATTLE ***
}
} The Internet's oldest and wisest prognosticator, known colloquially as
} the Oracle, faced a pitched battle against the fastest of all blue
} Erinaceinae, Sonic the Hedgehog, in a series of contests today. The
} competition was held in a best-of-seven format, with events chosen by
} asking random Internet users via unsolicited commercial e-mail to
} suggest games of chance and skill. Users were promised an entry into a
} raffle to win a free iPad, although no iPads were actually given out
} and the entire survey was a ruse to collect personal information.
} Contest suggestions were placed into a large bowl, which was promptly
} thrown in the trash, and the organizers of the competition picked the
} games they most wanted to see.
}
} The seven selected games were:
}
} 1. Trivial Pursuit
} 2. Naked Twister (with Crisco)
} 3. Underwater Basket Weaving
} 4. A Footrace
} 5. Hangman
} 6. Skee-Ball
} 7. Chess
}
} *** THE COMPETITORS ***
}
} Throughout the history of mankind, there have been many Oracles who
} have been consulted by many mortals, and some immortals.  The great
} Hercules was told by the Delphic Oracle to serve Eurystheus, king of
} Mycenae, for twelve years to atone for the murder of his own children.
} It was the Oracle of Ammon who told King Cepheus to chain his daughter
} Andromeda to the rocks of Joppa to appease the terrible sea monster
} that was ravaging the coasts.  That solution was never tested, though,
} as Perseus saved the girl in the nick of time.
}
} With the advent of the electronic age, and especially high-speed e-mail
} communication, the spirit of the Oracles found a new outlet, and we now
} recognize another great Oracle, the Internet Oracle.
}
} The Internet Oracle is most famous for two things. First, he is never
} wrong. Second, he cuts & pastes from the Internet liberally, without
} ever attributing his sources. Wikipedia editors hate him.
}
} Sonic the Hedgehog is a drifter who lives as he wants. He hates
} oppression and staunchly defends freedom. Although he is mostly
} easy-going he has a short temper and is often impatient with slower
} things. Sonic is a habitual daredevil hedgehog who is honest, loyal to
} friends, keeps his promises, and dislikes tears.
}
} Sonic is known as the world's fastest hedgehog. Sonic's greatest
} strength is his running speed, which is faster than the speed of sound.
} Many of his abilities are variations on the tendency for hedgehogs to
} roll into tight balls for protection with the addition of spinning his
} body. Sonic's only weakness is that he cannot swim, sinking like a rock
} if plunged to a deep body of water.
}
} With the seven Chaos Emeralds and fifty golden rings, Sonic can
} initiate a Super transformation into Super Sonic, a faster and
} invulnerable version of himself that can fly. He slowly loses rings in
} this form, however.
}
} *** TRIVIAL PURSUIT ***
}
} The Internet Oracle took an early and commanding lead. Although Sonic's
} answers came quickly, he rapidly lost ground to the slower Oracle who
} consulted Wikipedia on a regular basis. The game was closer than
} anticipated, however, thanks to the unusual inclusion of a "mealworms"
} category, which Sonic excelled at. In the end, Sonic failed repeated
} questions in the Sports History category, and conceded eventual defeat
} at the hands of the Oracle.
}
} Oracle: 1
} Sonic:  0
}
} *** NAKED TWISTER (With Crisco) ***
}
} The Naked Twister competition was delayed for several hours while the
} Oracle argued with the judges over the requirement to be naked. The
} Oracle argued that his clothing did not provide a material advantage,
} but that requiring him to disrobe provided a material advantage in that
} Sonic was already naked and thus did not require acclimation as the
} Oracle did. The head judge, Lisa, eventually decreed that the Twister
} would be played naked, and to ensure fairness she would personally
} apply the Crisco to the participants.
}
} Once that issue was resolved to the satisfaction of all, the actual
} game was finished within a few spins. Sonic the Hedgehog was discovered
} to be allergic to the Oracle's aftershave, and engaged in a fit of
} sneezing that nearly knocked him to the ground. He managed to stay
} upright, however, his spines pressed into the Oracle's naked flesh,
} drawing blood and causing him to crash to the ground in a splash of
} Crisco.
}
} Oracle: 1
} Sonic:  1
}
} *** UNDERWATER BASKET WEAVING ***
}
} Another potentially unfair contest, Sonic the Hedgehog suffered dearly
} in the underwater basket weaving. Unable to swim, Sonic chose to hold
} his breath and create his basket as quickly as possible. The resulting
} creation was barely recognizable as a basket, and curried no favor with
} the judges.
}
} The Oracle elected to use scuba gear, and spent several hours weaving a
} four foot basket in the shape of a series of tubes. He demonstrated to
} a panel of impressed judges that you could insert intelligence into one
} end of the tubes, and receive complete drivel and cats out the other,
} proving that he had indeed created a basket working replica of the
} Internet.
}
} Oracle: 2
} Sonic:  1
}
} *** FOOTRACE ***
}
} There were early objections to the inclusion of a footrace into the
} competition, as it was viewed as pandering to the strengths of Sonic
} the Hedgehog. The contest organizers agreed to make the footrace
} global, requiring each competitor to run around the globe, thus
} ensuring that a mix of both land and water running were required to
} win.
}
} Sonic took an early lead, utilizing supersonic speeds to get off the
} line early. There was some concern about his ability to swim, but it
} proven inconsequential as he ran across the surface of the water.
}
} Meanwhile, the Oracle remained at the starting line, seeking rule
} clarifications from the judges. Specifically he asked if a great circle
} route was required of participants, or whether any circle of a sphere
} would be permitted. There was confusion amongst the judges as to what
} the Oracle meant by this, so a demonstration was made through the use
} of a map, where the Oracle showed that a route from North America to
} Japan, through Russia, to Europe and through Spain, and eventually
} across the Atlantic back to North America clearly circled the planet,
} but was actually a shorter path than a trip around the equator. The
} Oracle made extensive mention of a previously undisclosed skin
} condition, and undocumented doctor's orders to avoid prolonged exposure
} to direct sunlight, while pleading his case to be allowed to take a
} more northern route.
}
} The judges eventually permitted the Oracle's definition of a "run
} around the globe", at which point he proceeded to walk in a small
} circle, of no more than four feet diameter. There was much booing from
} the spectators, but after an instant reply review, it was determined
} that the walk had indeed met the definition as set forth by the judges,
} and the win was awarded to the Oracle.
}
} Oracle: 3
} Sonic:  1
}
} *** HANGMAN ***
}
} Sonic the Hedgehog went first at Hangman. The Oracle presented a
} four-letter word, which Sonic immediately guessed JAZZ. When asked how
} he was able to determine the word without guessing any letters, Sonic
} replied "Easy! Before the game I googled 'Hardest Hangman Words',
} knowing that the Oracle would choose the hardest word possible."
}
} Flush with confidence from his success, Sonic put a three letter word
} out. The Oracle led with the letter A, which was the second letter in
} the word. His second letter was an odd choice at B, which matched no
} letters. He then chose C, which matched the first letter in the word.
} At CA_, the match seemed destined to go to a second round. The Oracle
} continued his alphabetical strategy, however, subsequently guessing D,
} E, and F. He was eliminated from the game, at which point Sonic
} revealed the word to be "CAT".
}
} Oracle: 3
} Sonic:  2
}
} *** SKEE BALL ***
}
} There are no words to describe the calamity that occurred during the
} Skee Ball match. The Department of Sanity in Press will not permit a
} full retelling of the events, although this statement was offered:
}
}    We sincerely apologize for the events that occurred this afternoon
}    at the Skee Ball tournament between The Internet Oracle and Sonic the
}    Hedgehog.  Our lawyers have advised us to say that the outcome of the
}    game was not a foreseeable result of the actions taken by the contest
}    organizers, and we are in no way legally liable for damages, physical
}    or emotion, suffered by anyone present or viewing the contest.
}
}    However, in the spirit of a greater humanity, we will voluntarily
}    pay all expenses related to the rebuilding of the arcade, as well as
}    the pier on which is was built. All spectators to the event will be
}    provided free Twinkies for life, or until Hostess ceases producing
}    them, whichever comes first. The families of those who deceased will
}    be provided a one month free trial to America On-Line as our way of
}    saying "Sorry."
}
}    The contest organizers would also like to congratulate Sonic the
}    Hedgehog on a well-deserved win at Skee Ball.
}
}    P.S. Shame on you, Oracle. There were families present at this
}    competition!
}
} Oracle: 3
} Sonic:  3
}
} *** CHESS ***
}
} The final chess match was much anticipated by both Sonic and Oracle
} followers. Sonic had said before the game that he believed it would the
} fastest chess match in history, and chess fans from around the world
} flew in to watch this epic pitched battle. The game was played with
} people in costume serving as figures on a large board, while the
} participants stood in a raised platform overlooking the board.
}
} Sonic lead the game off as white, moving pawn to f3. This elicited some
} murmuring from the audience, and is still considered a risky move that
} provides few options for white.
}
} The Oracle responded by moving king's pawn to e5, immediately
} establishing dominance over the center of the board.
}
} Sonic responded immediately with a very quick move, moving pawn to g4.
} It is still not clear what Sonic's intention was here, but he may have
} mistaken his king for his queen, and was looking to move her to the
} side of the board.
}
} The Oracle thought deeply before ordering 2..Qh4#, thus ending the game
} on his second move, and recording the fastest chess game in history.
}
} Oracle: 4
} Sonic:  3
}
} *** CONCLUSION ***
}
} The Internet Oracle would beat Sonic the Hedgehog. You owe the Oracle a
} working replica of the Internet.


1509-04    (27c30 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> At work, they want me to **** for ***** because ***** ***** *****.
> Of course, this is all secret, so if you see ***** instead of what
> I actually asked, just answer the question as if it hadn't been
> censored.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn well better keep it secret. ******* ****** ******** is illegal and
} immoral, and if you get caught you'll spend the rest of your short life
} in the slammer getting **** ****** by people you'll wish you didn't
} ever meet.
}
} Oh well, it's your life. It's your *.


1509-05    (017c4 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my water tap keep leaking and makning noises that keep me
> awake

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have it supplying tap water, so you hear that annoying, "Tap, tap,
} tap."
}
} Arrange for it to supply spring water instead. "Boing, boing, boing,"
} is much more mellow.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Scotch for his drinking water.


1509-06    (125b5 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Let's roleplay.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Great.  I'll be the strict but good-looking teacher, and you
} can be the naughty student who has to serve detention, and
} you ask me how you can earn some extra credit for that class
} of mine that you are failing, and I casually suggest... wait,
} there's been too much of that sort of thing in the news lately,
} people have gone to jail, I'm not comfortable.  Let's don't do
} that.
}
} OK, I'll be the doctor.  You're the patient who comes in with a
} nagging sore throat that just won't go away.  I insist that there's
} only one way to cure the problem properly, and you're a little
} bit shy at first but soon decide to go along with it, and...
} wait, if you're sick, then won't I eventually get an infection
} too?  I'm sorry, that just spoils it for me, even if it's all
} just fantasy.  You understand, right?
}
} How about you be the pool cleaner, who comes inside to take a
} break on a hot day, and I'm the owner of the house and I offer
} you a pitcher of lemonade, and I'm wearing a swimsuit that
} reveals my assets, and I suggest you and I go upstairs and...
} no, no.  Those workers are on a tight schedule laid out by the
} home office these days, there's no way to work in some games with
} all their cellphones, and GPS devices, and probably neighborhood
} spies too.
}
} Oh, let's keep it simple.  I'll be the Master, and you'll be
} the lowly slave.  You know what I am about to ask you to do is
} degrading, but you know you have no right to object, and you're
} somehow excited and repulsed at the same time, and I... oh wait,
} there's that pesky Emancipation Proclamation of January 1, 1863.
} No can do.
}
} I know.  We'll just be two gamers, and we'll play Dungeons &
} Dragons.  That'll work.  It'll be better anyway - those other
} ideas don't really lend themselves to D&D anyway, and they
} sounded kind of suggestive now that I think about it - you
} always have such a dirty mind, why didn't you say something?
}
} You owe the Oracle a course of treatment for Obsessive-Compulsive
} Disorder.


1509-07    (26853 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can two really live as cheaply as one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, if the one is Donald Trump.


1509-08    (43872 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shouldn't the Bestofs be in reverse order, so as to save the best for
> last?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .daer ot woh wonk t'nod tsuj uoY .era yehT


1509-09    (18492 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It has been said that colleges are places where pebbles
> are polished and diamonds are dimmed.  If so, then what
> is graduate school?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Expensive.


1509-10    (1b840 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, I'd like to report something.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Begin typing on the top left of your paper. Use 12 point Times New
} Roman font.
}
} 1. Place your name, your teacher's name, your class, and the date.
} Double space between each item.
}
} 2. Next, double space down and type your title. Center the title.
}
} 3. Double space below your title and begin typing your report. Indent
} with a tab. Note: MLA standard format for the title of a book has
} changed from underline to italics.
}
} 4. Remember to end your first paragraph with a thesis sentence!
}
} 5. Your name and page number will go in a header at the top right
} corner of the page. You can insert this information after you type your
} paper. To do so in Microsoft Word, go to view and select header from
} the list. Type your information in the header box, highlight it, and
} hit the right justify selection.


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