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Internet Oracularities #151

Goto:
151, 151-01, 151-02, 151-03, 151-04, 151-05, 151-06, 151-07, 151-08, 151-09, 151-10


Usenet Oracularities #151    (14 votes, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 2 May 90 11:37:13 -0500

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151   14 votes 03326 24242 12542 02282 33440 01544 04262 21524 27401 53321
151   3.2 mean  3.8   3.0   3.3   3.7   2.6   3.8   3.4   3.4   2.4   2.4


151-01    (03326 dist, 3.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it better to have anal sex with Marcie, or oral sex with Louanne?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, anal sex with Marcie, or oral with Louanne?
} Should I fuck Louanne in the mouth or Marcie in the can?
} I got to decide pretty quick - I am one horny man...
} Anal sex with Marcie, or oral with Louanne?
}
} Should I cornhole Marcie or let Louanne give me head?
} Should I tickle tonsil or pack some fudge instead?
} Marcie's ass or Louanne's tongue, they both look talented...
} Digestive system's got two ends, which should I keep fed?
}
} Spermatazoa by the millions, where should I inject em?
} A gooey shot down Louanne's throat or into Marcie's rectum?
} Warm wet holes are both inviting, too hard to select em...
} Perhaps I'll use a double headed dildo to connect em.
}
} Help me quick!  I must decide!  These babes are mighty hot!
} I wonder why the two of them have offered me no twat.
} My God!  They both are guys in drag!  Women they are not!
} So once again old Mary Fist's the only girl I've got.
}
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to use a condom.


151-02    (24242 dist, 3.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hear me, oh corpulent and bloated Oracle, who's butt pimples contain
> ambrosia to us lowly mortals, who's pudgy, stubby finger have the
> treasures of the world stuck under their nails, who's vast expanses of
> pasty white skin seem to be utopia to the unknowing masses.  Tell me
> this.  oh rotund fountain of all worldly knowledge and bodily
> secretions, why did Channel Four News belittle and discount a story in a
> German newspaper that claimed Blo-Jo...I mean, Flo-Jo, Florence Griffith
> Joyner, regularly used anabolic steroids, and supported her without one
> shred of evidence, when they were in the front row turning the
> rottiserie for Ben Johnson when he got screwed over for the same thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She's got bigger tits.
}
} Or, for the intellecual...
} They probably felt a great, nebulous ambiguity that told them that they
} really weren't quite sure what to make of the whole thing.  So they
} contacted her friends and associates, who said, "Hell, she's a good
} kid." With true journalistic integrity, they figured this was tantamount
} to testimony, so they defended the poor wench.  Figures.  After all, if
} one were to compare her to Ben Johnson, one would definitely say that
} she's got bigger tits.


151-03    (12542 dist, 3.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can a man do to satisfy a woman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well... I can give you the long answer, the short answer, or the real
} answer.
}
} The short answer (commonly quoted by women) is ``Nothing.''
}
} The long answer (commonly quoted by men) is ``By careful manipulation of
} various muscle groups a man's body can give a great deal of pleasure to
} a woman's body.  Satisfaction can be derived from a variety of factors:
}
} ``1) If the man is over 8 inches long, he is CAPABLE of giving a woman
}      satisfaction.
}
} ``2) If the man can have sex for eight hours without even getting the
}      slightest bit soft or tired, he is CAPABLE of giving a woman
}      satisfaction.
}
} ``3) If the man has big muscles, he is CAPABLE of giving a woman
}      satisfaction.
}
} ``4) If the man has a lot more money than the woman, he doesb't HAVE TO
}      give the woman satisfaction.
}
} ``5) If the man can really dance, he can PROBABLY give a woman
}      satisfaction, but all the other men will think he's a wimp.
}
} ``6) If the man has a tongue, he is CAPABLE of giving a woman
}      satisfaction.
}
} ``7) If the man can tie a knot in a cherry stem with his tongue, he can
}      PROBABLY give a woman satisfaction.
}
} ``8) (The final step) If the man's tongue is over a foot in length, he
}      WILL give a woman satisfaction.''
}
} Of course both of these answers are false.  The real answer is this:
}
} ``Women are human beings just like everybody else.  They all have
} individual needs and desires and these have to be addressed on a one to
} one basis.  All women are capable of being satisfied.  There is no clear
} cut answer that guarantees success with all women.  Don't sweat it.  You
} couldn't even TRY to satisfy all women.  Instead choose one and
} concentrate your efforts on understanding her and fulfilling all of her
} desires.  When she thinks that she couldn't ask for more...  then she's
} satisfied.  If you exceed these expectations...  you've really made her
} life...  and she will always remember you for it.''
}
} You owe the oracle a decent try, eh?


151-04    (02282 dist, 3.7 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, how can I turn my cock into "the prick of fear?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try strapping razor blades to it, and put a caltrop on the end.
}
} Don't expect to *use* it very often, of course. And be real careful
} masturbating.


151-05    (33440 dist, 2.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle, whose nose hairs are the very picture of cleanliness, tell
> me.
>
>  Now that the movie "Driving Miss Daisy" has become so popular, will
> Hollywood come out with an X rated version ?  They will probably name it
> something liike "Driving Daisy Home" or perhaps "Driving Daisy's Back
> Door" or something obnoxious.
>
>   Bart Beefeater
>   Little Moose Junior Colege
>   Great Neck Falls WC

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now you're really straining my patience.  Of course they will.
}    Hollywood is willing to come out with an X-rated version of anything.
} Personally, I'm waiting for X-rated versions of those "please do not
} smoke; this way to the exit" segments that the theaters always put in
} before the movie.


151-06    (01544 dist, 3.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and highly exalted Oracle, worthy of all praises that I may
> utter, please deign to answer this question:
>
>     Oh, say can you see
>     By the dawn's early light
>     What so proudly we hailed
>     At the twilight's last gleaming?
>     Whose broad stripes and bright stars,
>     Through the perilous fight
>     O'er the ramparts we watched,
>     Were so gallantly streaming?
>     And the rockets red glare,
>     The bombs bursting in air
>     Gave proof through the night
>     That our flag was still there!
>     Oh, say does that Star Spangled Banner yet wave
>     O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. I know that's not very funny answer, but then our national anthem
} isn't very exciting either. I always thought it should be updated to
} something like...
}
} RAPPIN' OUT! (fop-fop-BOOM, foppa-foppa-BOOM)
} US of A! Land of the free! Home of the Whopper and NBC!
} When I see that flag, I get all patriotic!
} Some of my friends think I turn psychotic!
} I get all crazy, I foam and froth!
} I stand at attention like Ollie North!
} I glaze my eyes, I set my jaw!
} I'm the baddest Yankee Doodle thatcha ever done saw!
} (skritcha-scratcha-skritcha-scratcha-skritch-skritch-ZIP!)
}
} Of course, rap's rather passe these days. The following might be a
} more appropriate anthem:
}
} [To the tune of : "Thank God I'm a Country Boy"]
}
} Well, bein' a conservative's a whole lotta fun,
} I fight for freedom with my own handgun,
} If my daughter has sex, gonna make her a nun,
} Thank God I'm Republican!
}
} Well, America is the land of the free,
} I'll kick your ass if you disagree!
} Let's pledge allegiance to the G.O.P!
} Thank God I'm Republican!
}
} Well, I don't like gays and I don't like commies,
} Welfare bums or teenage mommies,
} I even hate guys who didn't fight in Vietnammy,
} Thank God I'm Republican!
}
} Well, I love my country and I love my flag,
} If you don't say the pledge you must be a fag,
} Lib'rals an' Democrats make me gag!
} Thank God I'm Republican!
}
} You owe the Oracle the defintion of "forwichistan" (You know, "and to
} the republic forwichistan"?)


151-07    (04262 dist, 3.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best kind of lawnmower?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh...well, let's see. I think they reviewed lawnmowers in a recent
} issue of Consumer Reports. Let me find the issue...here it is. I'll
} just quote a few paragraphs.
}
} WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
} BOREDOM ALERT! BOREDOM ALERT!
} In the event the Usenet Oracle generates an extremely boring answer to
} a question, this alarm automatically replaces it with a more exciting
} one. Unfortunately, the software is still in the prototype stage.
}
} ###GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE Hey let's go kill politicians! With lawnmowers!
} BLAM POW!  BLAS^%V ckwdwabort
}
} ###GRATUITOUS SEX Lisa's hooters! Lisa! Barbara! Orgasm!
} Lawnmower-generated orgasm! orgorgorglksflfaultabort
}
} ###PHILOSOPHY Ah, lawnmowers! Zen and the art of mowing one's lawn!
} The symmetry of the rotating blades! OOOH BABY uifdygi Y(*0 &&&
} Cannot access file server. Still trying.
} Cannot access file server. Still trying.
} Cannot access file server. Still trying.
} Cannot access file server. Oh, fuck it!
} ###POEM Lawnmower, Lawnmower
} -------FATAL ERROR : Nothing rhymes with lawnmower!
} No remaining options. Crashing messily.
} STACK DUMP : 0000734898A86FB68787E87A6867D567EF67A57AB6875ADD46578A0E
}
} I'd buy the TORO myself, if for no other reasdon than that I enjoy the
} perverted commerical with the kicking baby.
}
} You owe the Oracle a beautiful lawn.
}
} WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
} BOREDOM ALERT! BOREDOM ALERT!
}
} You owe the Oracle 1000 Hawaiian nymphets in grass-skirts and a
} weed-wacker.


151-08    (21524 dist, 3.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me, Oracle!  I've got a major sexual dysfunction and I need to know
> which one it is!  And what I can do about it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have reached the Oracle Sexual Dysfunction Analysis Service.
} Please answer all questions candidly.
} What is your name?
} > XXXXXXXX@XXXXXXX.XXX.edu
} What is your physical gender?
} >male
} What is your psychological gender?
} >male
} What is your sexual partner of choice?
} >large female sheep
} What is your most frequent sexual partner?
} >hand
} How frequently do you enjoy hand?
} > Four times a day.
} How often do you enjoy large female sheep?
} > At frat rush, one time a year.
} What is your biggest turn-on?
} > Soft wool against my belly.
} What else?
} >The sound "baa".
} How large is your organ?
} >150 stops.
}
} Processing...please wait.
}
} The Oracle has calculated that your dysfunction is a dissatisfaction
} with hand, your usual lover. Best solution is to buy woolen gloves and
} a tape of barnyard sounds for future encounters.


151-09    (27401 dist, 2.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh great and mighty Oracle, who I am not worthy to approach, please
> help this puzzled and confused person forced to take humanities classes
> that require reading real books, and answer this:
>     Sartre says "We know that feminine idealism is located in the anus."
>  What does that mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jean-Paul is such a great dude.
}
} Here we go.  The fundamental aspect of feminism is control.  The
} feminists want to control the other gender, because they feel they are
} not in control of their own lives.
}
} The focus of control is the anus.  You will find people that are a
} little hyperactive about neatness and order are called ``anal
} retentive'' or ``anal compulsive.'' This just means they're hard-asses.
}
} So the focus of the feminist is on the anus of her enemy, the man.
}
} Since men have the OTHER focus of control, the penis, it's even worse.
}
} It's hard to think of the vagina as a focus of control so the feminists
} further emphasize the anus as a control center.
}
} What this has to do with anal sex is fairly wild.
}
} You have a good time in class.
}
} You owe the oracle a French translation of _No_Exit_.


151-10    (53321 dist, 2.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh heretofore indomitable Oracle, whose fleece is white as snow.  Whose
> armpit is unsoiled by ordinary sweat but rather by Godly persperation.
>
> I asked the Usenet Oracle a question.
> My question was:
>
> > Hello.  My name is Lisa and I would like to date the oracle's avatar.
> > What is Steve Kinzler's address?  Is it true that he's a philosophy
> > student?
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } Oh low and meek peon... Server of the oracles whims...  As you have
> } not properly addressed my personage in the form of " O GREAT EXALTED
> } ONE..." or utilized other such formalities, my anger has been great.
> }
> } After much thought, however, it has come to my omniscient self that
> } you perhaps have never requested favors of the oracle before.  I
> } therefore will provide you the mailing address of one of my mortal
> } form's trusted colleagues... You may request Steve's address of him
> } and, if he so desires, he may provide you with the necessary
> } information.
> }
> } I do advise you however to speak to him in a more respectful tone.
> }
> } His address is XXXXX@ritcsh.rit.edu
> }
> }      You owe the oracle some respect...
>
> You have your Earthly respect.  Please, please, please give me Stevie's
> address.  I have some panties to send him and I want him to get them
> while they're still wet!
>
> I'll do anything for you, Mr.  Oracle.  I'm on my knees.  Normally I'm a
> very respectable lady, but I'll dig dirt for you.  ANYTHING!!!
>
> Please get me in touch with Stevie...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu


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