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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's trash day today.  What should I throw out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your wife just asked me the same question, and if she follows up on my } advice, you won't have to worry about that much longer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do new computers still have hard drives? SSDs are cheap enough > now. And if your junk won't fit on 64 to 256 GB then buy an external > hard drive.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Too many people look at price per gigabyte instead of "price per what I } actually need," and aren't really aware of the performance hit imposed } by latency. } } None of that cheap junk compares in any way to my omniscience. I don't } have to worry at all about obsolescence or disk } craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa } aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa } } <<<<<<<OMNISCIENCE FAILURE SECTOR XIII ANDROMEDA NEBULA>>>>>>>>> } } Oops. Sorry about that. At least I have a recovery system. } } You owe the Oracle a better error-trapping system.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the Oracle supports private massaging?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  This new app is explained in a forthcoming pubic } service announcement. } } You owe the Oracle a towel.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings, > > I am Zlorg, from the planet Chromiax Five. We were passing through your > solar system, when we struck a strange object that appeared to be a > malfunctioning satellite recently launched from your planet, tumbling > out of control. It struck the rear space thrust deflector, limiting the > speed of our craft to no more than one parsec per hour. > > Could you please direct me to the nearest spacecraft repair facility, > or, if there is none within walking distance, at least let me borrow an > interplanetary communicator to dial planetside assist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  First, let me apologize for our North Korean } friends who caused this problem for you; they recently } graduated from Roman candles, and still have a kink or } two to work out in their satellite delivery processes. } } Planetside Assist has yet to set up a suitable contract } station nearby to deal with needs such as yours; they } were recently in negotiations with a site on the outskirts, } when suddenly Pluto was entirely decommissioned as a } planet, a manifestly political move that outraged many. } Haven't heard much from Pluto since then, come to think } of it - I think they may have pulled up stakes and } relocated somewhere, maybe Alpha Centauri, which doesn't } do you any good of course. } } Fortunately, there is an option.  I can recommend a garage, } named Area 51, that has highly trained engineers who will } take apart and put back together your vessel.  If they } can't repair your deflector, I'm sure they can replace it } with something that will work just as well; they operate } the best interstellar "pick and pull" lot on the planet. } They see a lot of spacecraft like yours, although they } operate basically by word-of-mouth and without any } advertising. } } While in their waiting room, be sure to ask them for a } complimentary vivisection - beings such as yourself } assure me it is to *die* for!  Actually you shouldn't } find it necessary to ask, they never forget. } } You owe the Oracle a phone call home.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very funny.  Now give me back the batteries to my hearing aid. } } You owe the Oracle a set of spare batteries too.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.

Your question was:

> I owe the Oracle WHAT?  Are you crazy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I'm crazy.  It's the only thing that's kept me from going } ins... wait, that's a cliche.  Here is a list of disorders from the } DSM-IV, and what the Oracle demands if he's suffering that disorder } on a particular day. } } Disorder                            Payment } --------                            ------- } Amnesia                             Spare car keys } Anorexia nervosa                    A stalk of celery } Antisocial personality disorder     A video game } Attention deficit disorder          Sorry, wasn't listening } Bipolar disorder                    Glitter!! or, meh, nothing } Cocaine dependence                  Cocaine } Delirium tremens                    A good single-malt } Delusions of grandeur               Every single YOTO, ever } Dissociative identity disorder      At least two of something } Exhibitionism                       A camera } Gender identity disorder            A change of clothing } Hypochondria                        Penicillin } Insomnia                            Another question from you } Kleptomania                         Nah, I'll get it myself } Narcissistic personality disorder   A mirror } Obsessive-compulsive disorder       $10,000, stacked and sorted } Paranoia                            And just who wants to know? } Pica                                A jar of paste } Post-traumatic stress disorder      A helmet and ear plugs } Premature ejaculation               A bedsheet and a kind word } Premenstrual cramps                 Just shut UP, ok!?!?! } Psychosis                           CoLoRlEsS gReEn IdEaS } Sadomasochism                       A date next Saturday night } Seasonal affective disorder         A sunlamp } Sleepwalking                        Steel toed bedroom slippers } Stuttering                          M-m-m-m-mo-mo-mon-money } Testosterone poisoning              A TV remote and a beer } } You owe the Oracle one of each - we've had a tough week.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They say too much TV or computer can lower your testosterone.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:       What do sports enthusiasts claim? } Alex Trebek:  That is correct!  The Internet Oracle takes the lead with }               $400. } Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $200, Alex. } Alex Trebek:  "The immediate cause of the end of the world." } Johnny Lingo: Does this have something to do with cows? } Alex Trebek:  That is not correct. } Thor:         What are ice giants? } Alex Trebek:  That is not correct. } Oracle:       What is Kim Jong Un's hair? } Alex Trebek:  That is correct!  The Internet Oracle now has $600. } Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $400. } Alex Trebek:  The Amundsen-Scott Station } Thor:         What do I get when I whack my radio? } Alex Trebek:  That is not correct. } Johnny Lingo: Where does Mahana want to go on vacation this year? } Alex Trebek:  That is not correct. } Oracle:       Where is the end of the world? } Alex Trebek:  That is correct!  The Internet Oracle now has $1000. } Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $600. } Alex Trebek:  October 21, 2011 } Johnny Lingo: When did I officially slide into obscurity? } Alex Trebek:  That is not correct. } Thor:         When did I officially slide out of obscurity? } Alex Trebek:  That is not correct. } Oracle:       On what date does the end of the world occur? } Alex Trebek:  That is correct!  The Internet Oracle now has $1600. } Johhny Lingo: Hey, wait a minute!  Are you saying that the world }               already ended? } Thor:         Yeah, how come we didn't notice then, huh? } Alex Trebek:  You're fictional characters.  It didn't affect you. } Thor:         Then how come it didn't affect YOU, huh? } Alex Trebek:  Oh, look, it's time for a word from our sponsors! } } <scary music> } You've worked all your life to provide a good home, a good education, } and lots of cheesecake to your loved ones.  And now the Mayan } Apocalypse is threatening to take all that away. } </scary music> } } <bright happy music> } But don't worry!  We here at KaiserMetFlac of Omaha have a plan for } you! For a small fee, we will insure your lives and all of your } property against destruction by Mayan zombies.  Don't let the Mayan } zombies ruin your day! Call the number on your screen right now, and } have some peace of mind.  Ask about the low-cost robot rider on the } insurance policy! } </bright happy music> } } Thor:         Oh, yeah?  Well, all it would take is one good whack with }               this hammer and NONE of your cows would ... uh ... } Alex Trebek:  Welcome back to Jeopardy!  The Oracle is leading with }               $1600.  Thor and Johnny Lingo both currently have $0. } Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $800, Alex. } Alex Trebek:  An asteroid. } Thor:         The cause of the end of the world! } Alex Trebek:  Please state your answer in the form of a question. } Thor:         What is the cause of the end of the world? } Alex Trebek:  That is not correct. } Johnny Lingo: What formed the Pacific islands? } Alex Trebek:  That is not correct. } Oracle:       What do many people incorrectly believe will cause the }               end of the world? } Alex Trebek:  That is correct.  The Oracle now has $2400. } Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $1000, Alex. } Alex Trebek:  I'm sorry, but we've just received word that a large }               asteroid is about to enter Earth's atmosphere, and its }               probable point of impact is, in fact, this studio.  We }               need to evacuate immediately. } Johnny Lingo: What is an ironic statement? } Alex Trebek:  No, I'm not kidding.  We've got to get out of here, fast! } Thor:         What is an unbelievable statement? } Alex Trebek:  Seriously, guys.  We've got to go, now! } Oracle:       What is a deus ex machina? } Alex Trebek:  That is correct. } Oracle:       Alex, I'll take "Self-Referential Questions" for $100. } ...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc and I were at the barbershop the other day.  Two } chairs, no waiting, you know, so we both sat down.  Asked } for the full treatment, shave and a haircut. } } When almost finished, my barber reached for the bottle of } aftershave lotion.  "No no, none of that," I commanded, "if } I come home smelling like that, Lisa will think I've spent } all afternoon in some whorehouse." } } "What about you," the other barber asked Zadoc.  "You want } any aftershave?" } } Zadoc thought a moment.  "Why not," he said, "my girlfriend } doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like." } } You owe the Oracle two bits.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hate my nose. I look in the mirror and tell my nose, "I hate you. > There is no uglier nose on the planet. On three planets. In the Entire > Universe. Or even in Hoboken." > > Does my nose hate me for this? Does it want me to say I love it even > though I hate it irregardless?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nah, noses are like dogs; both love you unconditionally, and both } smell.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does my Oracle want for Xmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The same thing he's wanted for Thxgiving, Hal'ween, Lab Day, Indy Day, } Mem Day, Mom Day, E-er* (such as a choc'l't E-er bunny), St. Pat's Day, } and Val's Day.  With int'rest.