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Internet Oracularities #1510

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1510, 1510-01, 1510-02, 1510-03, 1510-04, 1510-05, 1510-06, 1510-07, 1510-08, 1510-09, 1510-10


Internet Oracularities #1510    (24 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 24 Dec 2012 08:28:13 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1510
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1510  24 votes 15774 3b550 56724 13587 17655 1193a 1328a 23685 27852 48741
1510  3.2 mean  3.3   2.5   2.8   3.7   3.2   3.8   4.0   3.5   2.9   2.6


1510-01    (15774 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's trash day today.  What should I throw out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your wife just asked me the same question, and if she follows up on my
} advice, you won't have to worry about that much longer.


1510-02    (3b550 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do new computers still have hard drives? SSDs are cheap enough
> now. And if your junk won't fit on 64 to 256 GB then buy an external
> hard drive.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Too many people look at price per gigabyte instead of "price per what I
} actually need," and aren't really aware of the performance hit imposed
} by latency.
}
} None of that cheap junk compares in any way to my omniscience. I don't
} have to worry at all about obsolescence or disk
} craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
} aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
}
} <<<<<<<OMNISCIENCE FAILURE SECTOR XIII ANDROMEDA NEBULA>>>>>>>>>
}
} Oops. Sorry about that. At least I have a recovery system.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better error-trapping system.


1510-03    (56724 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the Oracle supports private massaging?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  This new app is explained in a forthcoming pubic
} service announcement.
}
} You owe the Oracle a towel.


1510-04    (13587 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings,
>
> I am Zlorg, from the planet Chromiax Five. We were passing through your
> solar system, when we struck a strange object that appeared to be a
> malfunctioning satellite recently launched from your planet, tumbling
> out of control. It struck the rear space thrust deflector, limiting the
> speed of our craft to no more than one parsec per hour.
>
> Could you please direct me to the nearest spacecraft repair facility,
> or, if there is none within walking distance, at least let me borrow an
> interplanetary communicator to dial planetside assist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  First, let me apologize for our North Korean
} friends who caused this problem for you; they recently
} graduated from Roman candles, and still have a kink or
} two to work out in their satellite delivery processes.
}
} Planetside Assist has yet to set up a suitable contract
} station nearby to deal with needs such as yours; they
} were recently in negotiations with a site on the outskirts,
} when suddenly Pluto was entirely decommissioned as a
} planet, a manifestly political move that outraged many.
} Haven't heard much from Pluto since then, come to think
} of it - I think they may have pulled up stakes and
} relocated somewhere, maybe Alpha Centauri, which doesn't
} do you any good of course.
}
} Fortunately, there is an option.  I can recommend a garage,
} named Area 51, that has highly trained engineers who will
} take apart and put back together your vessel.  If they
} can't repair your deflector, I'm sure they can replace it
} with something that will work just as well; they operate
} the best interstellar "pick and pull" lot on the planet.
} They see a lot of spacecraft like yours, although they
} operate basically by word-of-mouth and without any
} advertising.
}
} While in their waiting room, be sure to ask them for a
} complimentary vivisection - beings such as yourself
} assure me it is to *die* for!  Actually you shouldn't
} find it necessary to ask, they never forget.
}
} You owe the Oracle a phone call home.


1510-05    (17655 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very funny.  Now give me back the batteries to my hearing aid.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of spare batteries too.


1510-06    (1193a dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.

Your question was:

> I owe the Oracle WHAT?  Are you crazy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I'm crazy.  It's the only thing that's kept me from going
} ins... wait, that's a cliche.  Here is a list of disorders from the
} DSM-IV, and what the Oracle demands if he's suffering that disorder
} on a particular day.
}
} Disorder                            Payment
} --------                            -------
} Amnesia                             Spare car keys
} Anorexia nervosa                    A stalk of celery
} Antisocial personality disorder     A video game
} Attention deficit disorder          Sorry, wasn't listening
} Bipolar disorder                    Glitter!! or, meh, nothing
} Cocaine dependence                  Cocaine
} Delirium tremens                    A good single-malt
} Delusions of grandeur               Every single YOTO, ever
} Dissociative identity disorder      At least two of something
} Exhibitionism                       A camera
} Gender identity disorder            A change of clothing
} Hypochondria                        Penicillin
} Insomnia                            Another question from you
} Kleptomania                         Nah, I'll get it myself
} Narcissistic personality disorder   A mirror
} Obsessive-compulsive disorder       $10,000, stacked and sorted
} Paranoia                            And just who wants to know?
} Pica                                A jar of paste
} Post-traumatic stress disorder      A helmet and ear plugs
} Premature ejaculation               A bedsheet and a kind word
} Premenstrual cramps                 Just shut UP, ok!?!?!
} Psychosis                           CoLoRlEsS gReEn IdEaS
} Sadomasochism                       A date next Saturday night
} Seasonal affective disorder         A sunlamp
} Sleepwalking                        Steel toed bedroom slippers
} Stuttering                          M-m-m-m-mo-mo-mon-money
} Testosterone poisoning              A TV remote and a beer
}
} You owe the Oracle one of each - we've had a tough week.


1510-07    (1328a dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They say too much TV or computer can lower your testosterone.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:       What do sports enthusiasts claim?
} Alex Trebek:  That is correct!  The Internet Oracle takes the lead with
}               $400.
} Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $200, Alex.
} Alex Trebek:  "The immediate cause of the end of the world."
} Johnny Lingo: Does this have something to do with cows?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Thor:         What are ice giants?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Oracle:       What is Kim Jong Un's hair?
} Alex Trebek:  That is correct!  The Internet Oracle now has $600.
} Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $400.
} Alex Trebek:  The Amundsen-Scott Station
} Thor:         What do I get when I whack my radio?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Johnny Lingo: Where does Mahana want to go on vacation this year?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Oracle:       Where is the end of the world?
} Alex Trebek:  That is correct!  The Internet Oracle now has $1000.
} Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $600.
} Alex Trebek:  October 21, 2011
} Johnny Lingo: When did I officially slide into obscurity?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Thor:         When did I officially slide out of obscurity?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Oracle:       On what date does the end of the world occur?
} Alex Trebek:  That is correct!  The Internet Oracle now has $1600.
} Johhny Lingo: Hey, wait a minute!  Are you saying that the world
}               already ended?
} Thor:         Yeah, how come we didn't notice then, huh?
} Alex Trebek:  You're fictional characters.  It didn't affect you.
} Thor:         Then how come it didn't affect YOU, huh?
} Alex Trebek:  Oh, look, it's time for a word from our sponsors!
}
} <scary music>
} You've worked all your life to provide a good home, a good education,
} and lots of cheesecake to your loved ones.  And now the Mayan
} Apocalypse is threatening to take all that away.
} </scary music>
}
} <bright happy music>
} But don't worry!  We here at KaiserMetFlac of Omaha have a plan for
} you! For a small fee, we will insure your lives and all of your
} property against destruction by Mayan zombies.  Don't let the Mayan
} zombies ruin your day! Call the number on your screen right now, and
} have some peace of mind.  Ask about the low-cost robot rider on the
} insurance policy!
} </bright happy music>
}
} Thor:         Oh, yeah?  Well, all it would take is one good whack with
}               this hammer and NONE of your cows would ... uh ...
} Alex Trebek:  Welcome back to Jeopardy!  The Oracle is leading with
}               $1600.  Thor and Johnny Lingo both currently have $0.
} Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $800, Alex.
} Alex Trebek:  An asteroid.
} Thor:         The cause of the end of the world!
} Alex Trebek:  Please state your answer in the form of a question.
} Thor:         What is the cause of the end of the world?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Johnny Lingo: What formed the Pacific islands?
} Alex Trebek:  That is not correct.
} Oracle:       What do many people incorrectly believe will cause the
}               end of the world?
} Alex Trebek:  That is correct.  The Oracle now has $2400.
} Oracle:       I'll take "End of the World" for $1000, Alex.
} Alex Trebek:  I'm sorry, but we've just received word that a large
}               asteroid is about to enter Earth's atmosphere, and its
}               probable point of impact is, in fact, this studio.  We
}               need to evacuate immediately.
} Johnny Lingo: What is an ironic statement?
} Alex Trebek:  No, I'm not kidding.  We've got to get out of here, fast!
} Thor:         What is an unbelievable statement?
} Alex Trebek:  Seriously, guys.  We've got to go, now!
} Oracle:       What is a deus ex machina?
} Alex Trebek:  That is correct.
} Oracle:       Alex, I'll take "Self-Referential Questions" for $100.
} ...


1510-08    (23685 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc and I were at the barbershop the other day.  Two
} chairs, no waiting, you know, so we both sat down.  Asked
} for the full treatment, shave and a haircut.
}
} When almost finished, my barber reached for the bottle of
} aftershave lotion.  "No no, none of that," I commanded, "if
} I come home smelling like that, Lisa will think I've spent
} all afternoon in some whorehouse."
}
} "What about you," the other barber asked Zadoc.  "You want
} any aftershave?"
}
} Zadoc thought a moment.  "Why not," he said, "my girlfriend
} doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."
}
} You owe the Oracle two bits.


1510-09    (27852 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hate my nose. I look in the mirror and tell my nose, "I hate you.
> There is no uglier nose on the planet. On three planets. In the Entire
> Universe. Or even in Hoboken."
>
> Does my nose hate me for this? Does it want me to say I love it even
> though I hate it irregardless?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nah, noses are like dogs; both love you unconditionally, and both
} smell.


1510-10    (48741 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does my Oracle want for Xmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The same thing he's wanted for Thxgiving, Hal'ween, Lab Day, Indy Day,
} Mem Day, Mom Day, E-er* (such as a choc'l't E-er bunny), St. Pat's Day,
} and Val's Day.  With int'rest.


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