[IO]
Internet Oracle
22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:51:31 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1511

Goto:
1511, 1511-01, 1511-02, 1511-03, 1511-04, 1511-05, 1511-06, 1511-07, 1511-08, 1511-09, 1511-10


Internet Oracularities #1511    (25 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 07 Jan 2013 18:19:12 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1511
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1511  25 votes 26773 25864 c6601 35971 44881 15676 18745 26b51 24874 26386
1511  3.0 mean  3.1   3.2   1.9   2.9   2.9   3.5   3.2   2.9   3.3   3.4


1511-01    (26773 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was writing to you last year about problems with my house, where the
> paint keeps falling off. Only I wrote "horse" and it's only one letter
> different. What an idiot I am. You never spell anything wrong because
> you are too smart. Except once you spelled my name "Fred Mouse" instead
> of Fred Morse.
>
> Anyway, so the paint falls off. To complicate matters I do have a Paint
> horse, which is of course a Quarterhorse with too much white color on
> it to be registered under the old AQHA rules. So the people with those
> horses said, "Fine. We'll make a new association, the APHA. We'll call
> our houses Paint Horses." And yes, sometimes I do fall off my Paint
> horse. But that's not a problem. I just get back on again.
>
> The paint on my house does not get back on again.
>
> What should I do?
>
> What would you do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} Your house paint is peeling because you did not prepare
} the surface before applying the most recent coat.  Indeed,
} "Prepare The Surface" is wise counsel in any endeavor.
} For instance, I started out this reply, first with your
} missive as written, but before typing anything fresh I
} sanded it down to this:
}                             .
}
} It still contained the pith of what you were saying, and
} it made a good basis for what I have written here.  As
} you'll see, the words are sticking nicely to the surface
} of your monitor or viewscreen or teletype machine.  And
} even when you come back to this Oracular gem a month or
} a decade from now, the words will still be as legible as
} when I typed them.
}
} Now, just to make my point clear, here is an example of
} what a reply to you would have looked like if I had not
} scraped your inquiry properly:
}
} >> DearsSupplicant, you last year about problems with my house, where
} >> the Yourthousespaintiis peelinglbecause youhdidnotaprepare only one
} >> letter thefsurfaceWbefore applyingatheYmosterecentecoat.ytIndeed,ong
} >> because you "PreparesThetSurface"
} >> iscwiseucounseldinyanymendeavor.ouse" instead of
}
} Do you see?  Portions of your message have already bled
} through.  I expect by the time the Priests see it, it will
} be in even shabbier shape, like this:
}
} >> De  sSup li   t, you last year about problems with my house, where
} >> the Y urth  sesp  ntiis   el  glb  au e yo h idn tap e  re only one
} >> letter
}
} There's no subsitude for taknig pried in won's werk.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new paintbrush.


1511-02    (25864 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I came up with an interesting idea for a skit or sketch (I'm not sure
> which).  I got the idea from my seminary class.  A guy is playing Let's
> Make A Deal with host Monty Hall and is offered $100 million.  He can
> keep it, or trade it all for what's in the box.  But first he gets to
> see what's in the box: absolutely nothing!  No, wait, it's NOT nothing.
> Upon looking closer, he realizes it's (symbolically, after all) eternal
> life in heaven.  Does he make the trade?
>
> And that was as far as I got.  What happens next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Guy: So I'd get a bunch of angel figurines, one of which has a picture
} of my face taped on it??
}
} Monty Hall: No, no, of course not! What's in the box is just symbolic!
} The real prize is eternal life in heaven!
}
} Guy: Which heaven?
}
} Monty Hall: Huh?
}
} Guy: Well, yeah, I guess the assumption would be that I'd go the
} Christian heaven, but aren't there a ton of other heavens out there?
}
} Monty Hall: Well, yes, I suppose, but-
}
} Guy: Are we talking about eternal life in Valhalla? That's nice, I
} guess, but I don't think I'd really fit in...
}
} Monty Hall: Really, you're thinking too much about-
}
} Guy: Or Elysium? Wouldn't everybody there speak ancient Greek?
}
} Monty Hall: Please, just-
}
} Guy: Or maybe this "heaven" we're talking about is really some hellish
} afterlife that you created for the specific purpose of torturing me for
} all eternity?
}
} Monty Hall: I really-
}
} Guy: And how do I know that this whole "eternal life in heaven" thing
} is not a hoax? What's to say that you have power over afterlife
} placement?
}
} Monty Hall: Alright, Guido, what's it going to be?
}
} Guy: I'll take the money.


1511-03    (c6601 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He ran away???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I dub thee the Stupid Question Troll. Why do you bother? All you're
} doing is showing everyone what a witless dullard you are. We know.
} Mission accomplished.


1511-04    (35971 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Trading the euro is easy! Start your free trial today!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, I'll trade you Norway and Belgium for Austria and that little bit
} between Germany and France.
}
} I will pass on the trial, however. The last one I had ended costing me
} $5,000 and my drivers license was suspended for a year.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of spiced ham from Hormel foods, with a
} pineapple garnish.


1511-05    (44881 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear asshole, why did you allow the roof to leak today in my apartment
> complex. You inconvenienced a lot more people than me, I can assure
> you. Was it really worth it to harm them just because you were so
> spiteful that you wanted to hurt me? The location you chose was not
> even the one that would have maximally inconvenienced me.
>
> So even when you try to attack me, you show yourself to be an inept,
> unjust piece of shit. Do you really think you will be able to get away
> with this act? People are on to you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you think I was attacking you? I assure you that I did no such
} thing, and you were not the target of my attack. When I strike, it is
} swift, just, and merciless.
}
} In this case, there was a dust mite who had been quite rude to an
} elderly dust mite, and I drowned him for it. The inconvenience to you
} and your neighbors was an unfortunate side effect of justice. But
} still, the mighty wheels must turn, wrongs must be righted, and so
} forth and so on. So go on happily, knowing that you were not actually
} in trouble at all, but merely a hapless bystander afforded the rare
} opportunity to personally witness justice being swiftly delivered.
}
} You owe the Oracle retribution for your foul language. Bring a mop.


1511-06    (15676 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise and Powerful Oracle,
>
>   Do fat-bottomed girls really make the world go round?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not always. When they sit down, they make it go concave.


1511-07    (18745 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I weighed a bottle of regular beer and a bottle of light beer, and you
> know what? They weighed the same!
>
> What other lies have those marketing guys been telling us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly supplicant! You have to DRINK some of the light beer before you
} weigh it. Otherwise you cannot be sure that it really is light beer.
} Drink until you see a faint glow around your nose. That is the light.
}
} Now consider for a moment the regular beer as it is usually sold, in
} cans in a case. There are 24 cans in a case, and there are 24 hours in
} a day. What does that suggest to you? Get busy!!!


1511-08    (26b51 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wow.  Talk about irony.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here in the oracular business I see a lot of borony (too many borons),
} a lot of mercury (when overheated incarnations start insulting
} supplicants contrary to my suggestions) and not enough silvery.
}
} You owe the Oracle plenty of silvery coins, 90% Ag, 10% Cu.


1511-09    (24874 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's also the question of how to interpret the AFR.
>
> a) Is it one argument, or a bundle of distinct arguments?
>
> Reppert divides the argument into six subarguments, but are
> these six distinct arguments from reason, or are these six supporting
> arguments for the same basic argument?
>
> b) For instance, is dualism essential to the AFR? Take an
> idealistic version of atheism like McTaggart's idealism. Everything
> would be mental.
>
> Yet that would still be vulnerable to the AFR. Mentality is
> not interchangeable with rationality. Take the clinically insane.
>
> c) Likewise, some people I've read think this is about the
> determinism/indeterminism debate. That if our beliefs are determined,
> then our beliefs are arbitrary. But I think that objection misses the
> point of argument.
>
> Seems to me the AFR isn't targeting the general principle of
> determinate beliefs, but beliefs determined by a mindless process.
>
> By the same token, the AFT would also target accidental
> beliefs. Beliefs which result from a stochastic process.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rather than answer your questions directly, Sergeant Paine will help
} you out. I will now step out and have a drink, and return when he is
} finished. Have fun!
} ***
}
} Interpret the AFR? Are you MENTAL? You should have the Air Force
} Regulations MEMORIZED, Airman!
}
} No, the AFR is not a collection of arguments! It's a collection of
} rules, rules for how to live your life! Rules on how to get dressed,
} how to talk, what to do at work, even how to brush your teeth! You do
} brush your teeth, don't you Airman? You do? It sure smells like you
} don't! I think you need to read the AFR again!
}
} Reppert? I don't know nobody by the name Reppert! Sounds like a wimpy
} name to me! Is he from Texas? Because you know there's only two things
} that come out of Texas! Which one are you? What? I couldn't hear you!
} Speak up, you wimp!
}
} The Air Force Regulations are not about atheism! In fact, I know for a
} fact that you have a God! You're looking right at him! Now get down
} into a praying position!
}
} What? That's not a praying position! Maybe that's how you prayed in
} your church back home in Texas, but in the church of Sergeant Paine,
} you pray in the forward leaning rest position! Back straight, toes and
} hands on the floor, arms straight, head looking forward! There you go!
}
} What on earth are you prattling about with this
} determinism/indeterminism stuff? Your world is deterministic! I
} determine what you do, and you do it? Any more stupid questions? No?
} Good!
}
} Now take this toothbrush and scrub these toilets until they're clean
} enough to eat out of. And get a hurry on, we're going for a short five
} mile jog at zero four hundred!
}
} ***
}
} Ah, I see Sergeant Paine has left. Why are you on the floor? And why do
} you have my toothbrush? Oh my god, are you putting my toothbrush in the
} toilet? What is wrong with you? You owe the Oracle another toothbrush.


1511-10    (26386 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you enjoyning the new year? What does it have in store?
> Particularly what new veggies at Wal-Mart? I'm getting tired of
> broccalli or however you mispelll it. How about Persion Mellons? Or
> Canadian Pineapples?
>
> Or over in the wine department they could start carrying Newfie
> Screech rum. Imported from Newfoundland or St. Pierre or China or
> somewhere. Hmmmm, eh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 2013 will be a banner year for new vegetables at Wal-Mart, as Wal-Mart
} discovers that manufactured foods are cheaper than those grown the
} old-fashioned way, with farms. Let's look at how this plays out over
} the year:
}
} January: Building off "designer foods" introduced by other companies,
} Wal-Mart begins sales of skinless apples and rindless watermelons.
} Fruit sales increase, as do the sale of napkins and napkin-like
} products.
}
} February: Moving beyond minor modifications to existing fruit, Wal-Mart
} begins creating new crossbreeds. Among the more popular new foods are
} the coconut grape, the BBQ rib lettuce, and the bacon banana.
}
} March: After the success of the crossbreed foods, Wal-Mart introduces
} completely new foods. The first is the seafood patty, although others
} follow in rapid succession. This patty is grown on a vine in hydroponic
} farms, and forms in the size and shape of a hamburger patty, but has a
} flavor that resembles fresh grilled swordfish. Caviar popsicles, on the
} other hand, become an Internet meme as they flop in the marketplace,
} and are withdrawn within a week.
}
} April: Wal-Mart begins sales of completely engineered meals. Resembling
} bento boxes, these meals contain an appetizer, a main course, and a
} desert, but are not separate foods packaged together but rather a
} single complex fruit grown by a genetically engineered plant.
} Complaints arise that the skin over the dessert portions can be
} particularly hard to remove, especially with the provided wooden knife
} that grows in the box but often has dull serrated teeth.
}
} May: Wal-Mart introduces the first fully synthetic food, other than
} Hormel Spam, by introducing synthetic steaks. Priced cheaper than
} regular meat, and without any fat, it proves surprisingly popular.
}
} June: Wal-Mart rapidly swtiches out most food products for synthetic
} versions. Wal-Mart food factories spring up across the American
} midwest, converting petroleum products into cheese, potato chips, and
} fruit salad.
}
} July: Wal-Mart announces that they now sell 85% of all food sold in
} America, and 90% of that food is fully synthetic. Hormel stock
} plummets. Farms across America cease farming activities, leaving
} already planted crops in the ground to rot.
}
} August: Wal-Mart stops all sales of any product derived from a plant or
} animal, citing safety concerns. Through intense lobbying, they convince
} Congress to pass a new law prohibiting the possessing, manufacture,
} sale, or ingestion of any "natural" food. Exemptions are made for
} Native American reservations, federal prisons, and anyone named Larry
} who lives at 35 Elm Street in Brooksville, IN. A minor scandle erupts
} when it is discovered that the chief food scientist at Wal-Mart is
} coincidentally named Larry Fitzgerald, and he does indeed live at that
} exact address. For the most part the public accepts the explanation
} provided that it is a pure coincidence.
}
} September: Various left-wing groups unite to stop Wal-Mart from taking
} over the entire American food supply. Environmentalists, animal rights
} activists, anarchists, socialists, and performance artists join forces
} to create Occupy Wal-Mart's Stores (OWS). Thousands of protesters camp
} out in front of the main entrance of Wal-Marts across California for
} two weeks before Wal-Mart's specially trained SWAT teams conduct a
} massive coordinated sweep of all affected locations, rounding up the
} protesters and taking them away in unmarked vehicles. They are never
} seen again.
}
} October: Realizing that people will buy anything if it's cheap enough,
} combined with a new supply of raw materials, Wal-Mart introduces
} soylent green. Thanks to its low price, it immediately becomes a best
} seller.
}
} November: Responding to strong demand, soylent green is made available
} in different colors and flavors. Purple soylent boysenberry quickly
} outsells all other soylents combined, and by the end of the month,
} constitutes 73% of all food sold in America.
}
} December: Wal-Mart introduces Bacon Wine, imported from El Paso, Texas.
} Wal-Mart is unable to keep up with demand, most stores are sold out
} within minutes of opening, as agents of a mystery buyer purchase all
} the wine as soon as it hits the shelves. As supply dwindles, bottles
} sell for thousands of dollars each on eBay. The identity of the mystery
} buyer is not discovered, but in unrelated news, the Internet Oracle's
} responses become increasingly slurred and unintelligible.
}
} You owe the Oracle an effective hangover cure.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org