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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:35:37 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1513

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1513, 1513-01, 1513-02, 1513-03, 1513-04, 1513-05, 1513-06, 1513-07, 1513-08, 1513-09, 1513-10


Internet Oracularities #1513    (26 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 27 Feb 2013 15:01:13 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1513
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1513  26 votes 22859 0a763 147b3 4a831 6a460 49760 24b63 18962 2445b 5b721
1513  3.0 mean  3.7   3.1   3.4   2.5   2.4   2.6   3.2   3.0   3.7   2.3


1513-01    (22859 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The bell rang. A priest's head emerged. "Oracle, your presence is
} required!" Slowly, the Oracle rose from its sleeping duvet, padding the
} blonde gently on the head and briefly brushing against the brunette's
} cheek. It felt so groggy. When had been the last time it felt truly
} alive? No time. "Yes, yes".
} Donning its sash, the Oracle hurried down the flight of stairs to the
} waterfall room, where the petitioner waited.
} "Speak, supplicant. What is it you seek?"
} The supplicant, a pale, scrawny boy, opened his mouth:
} "".
} "Speak up, supplicant. What wisdom is it that your heart desires?"
} "".
} Try as he might, the supplicant seemed unable to speak a single word,
} mouthing words with agonizing efforts that did not form. Then,
} suddenly...
}
} a bell rang. A priest's head emerged. "Oracle, a supplicant."
} The Oracle rose from its bed, a lingering look on the picture on the
} nightstand. It felt so groggy. When had been the last time it felt
} truly alive? No time. "Yes, yes".
} Fastening its belt, the Oracle hurried through the door to office,
} where the petitioner waited.
} "Hello, Mr. supplicant. What can I do for you?"
} The supplicant, an ugly miscreant with scars across its entire body,
} opened his mouth:
} "".
} "What? Speak up a little."
} "".
} Try as he might, the supplicant seemed unable to speak a single word.
} His ugly face in a grimace, he seemd to scream, but not a sound
} emerged. Then, suddenly...
}
} a speaker crackled. A voice shouted "Wisdom time, Orrie. Scram!"
} The Oracle jumped from its bed, only stopping briefly to tuck in its
} tattered teddy bear. It felt so groggy. When had been the last time it
} felt truly alive? No time. "Coming! Coming!".
} Straightening out its rags, the Oracle hurried up through the trapdoor,
} where the petitioner stood.
} "Most revered supplicant. How may I serve? Please, anything I can do."
} The supplicant, half human, half hydra, opened his nine writhing
} reptile mouths:
} "".
} "Please, m'lord, if you could speak up a little... I can't seem to
} understand you."
} "".
} Nine terrible heads bounced up and down, snapping at the Oracle,
} hissing without sound. Then, suddenly...
}
} the alarm went off.
}
} It had been a dream, only a dream again. That dream. That terrible
} dream. But only a dream... for now. Would the day ever come when a
} supplicant would dare to ask an empty question again? Between drops of
} sweat, the Oracle's gaze went through the dimly lit room and lingered
} on the creepy clown cannon. It was always loaded with live clowns, just
} in case.
}
} Just in case.


1513-02    (0a763 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I was hoping you would ask!
}
} Yes, some days my mind is a total blank, which explains why so much
} time passes as you await my answers. "The Oracle is pondering your
} question." Hah! The Oracle is sitting in his Oracular garden, drinking
} his Oracular Beer, and pondering the butterflies. Look! A squirrel!
} Where was I? Oh yes, I was telling you how I create answers to your
} questions even when your own mind is supplicantally blank.
}
} Well, you see, it's like this. Look! A squirrel!
}
} Sorry about that. Today is full of distractions. Ambition, distraction,
} uglification and derision. Look! A squirrel!
}
} Perhaps I should not have moved from comfy Indiana University to here
} in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. Look! A squirrel!


1513-03    (147b3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My astrologer says I have cancer and my sister has capra corns. What is
> the cure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some fresh Aries.


1513-04    (4a831 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes way!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, the road tolls on the Yes way tend to be far to high.


1513-05    (6a460 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I stay with my baby momma just because we have a child together
> and the sex is good?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hell no. You should leave and take up with five other women in three
} other places, so that when your baby is older he or she will say,
} "Who's my daddy?" and your current woman will say, "I don't really
} know. Maybe it was that loser who was always getting advice from some
} stupid Oracle."
}
} See? You can't do neat things like that if you stick around home. And
} who knows, the new women will be younger and prettier and with luck
} they won't have any jilted boyfriends gunning for you.


1513-06    (49760 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wish the Riddle Troll were still here.  His questions were easy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All questions are difficult, which is why people ask me, rather than
} you.
}
} Instead of a riddle, you might enjoy a difficult lightbulb joke,
} imported from Norway, original home of trolls:
}
} Q: How many Norwegians does it take to change a lightbulb?
} A: I don't know, but if you find out, tell the Swedes. They're always
}    asking that question.


1513-07    (24b63 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The only three groups I could find
> Were distinct from each other and mine.
>
> * * *
>
> Thus begins a limerick I want you to finish.  The context was when I
> was searching for my single adult group at church and couldn't find it,
> since they met elsewhere.  I can't think of a good end to the limerick,
> either.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The only three groups I could find
} Were distinct from each other and mine.
} One rhyming with silver,
} Another with purple;
} The worst one however was orange.
}
} You owe the Oracle a justification for pronouncing "find" as "fine."


1513-08    (18962 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come the questions are often funnier than the answers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To resolve your grief, the Oracle must drill down to the depths of
} understanding of humour.
}
} <A large dentistry drill spins up with a high pitched scream>
}
} Now, this won't hurt a bit...
} Much.
}
} Let's see here... Internet memes, toilet humour, pop culture
} references... <The Enterprise flies out of the hole created by the
} drill in the teeth of space-time>
}
} Sorry, let me just get that for you.
}
} What else do we have in here? I can see a large cavity in the left
} lower slapstick incisor, and you really need to be paying more
} attention to your upper knock knock molars, look at all this plaque
} from underuse and inattention!
} <A large haddock appears, and the Internet Oracle slaps you stupid with
} it>
}
} Knock Knock! Who's there? Boo! Boo who? Oh, don't cry, it's just a bad
} joke, you'll get over it once I'm done slapping you with this haddock.
}
} Well, looking at your dental records, and the way humour has been used
} lately, it seems a lack of care for the things that are known to be
} funny may be causing your problem. I am putting you on a course of
} Pirates of the Caribbean, Looney Tunes and Graham Chapman until your
} funny bone is mended.
}
} You owe the Internet Oracle five hundred for visitation, two hundred
} for diagnosis and over nine thousand for making it reuse that tired old
} meme.


1513-09    (2445b dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, I have a neat idea for a new Internet service... Anonymous
> collaborative fiction! People would send their questions to a
> fictitious entity (called The Internet Barnacle or The Internet
> Monocle, or something silly like that), alleged to be super smart or
> even (ghod help us) omniscient.
>
> Each person who writes in would get an answer, and the answers would be
> generated by others who write in their questions.
>
> I see a few stumbling blocks in my pathway to success, and want your
> advice on overcoming them before we start it up.
>
> 1. The first person who writes in a question won't get an answer until
> the second person comes along. What advertising tactics should I use to
> make sure there are enough suckers to get this scheme off the ground?
>
> 2. People are lazy. Some questioners won't bother contributing an
> answer, and a long queue of unanswered questions will pile up. What to
> do?
>
> 3. Some of the questions will be predictable and thus repeated. I can
> see, for example, that the question, "What is an alternative name for
> the marmot that traditionally appears on groundhog day?" will be
> overused. How shall such action be punished?
>
> 4. Some of the answers will also be stupid. Lazy responders will resort
> to insults, obscenity, religion, scatology, or feigned ignorance,
> instead of providing material that is polite and erudite. Again, how to
> punish?
>
> 5. I'll need an unpaid crew of slaves to help separate the dross from
> the chaff. What sort of title can I give them so that they will work
> cheerfully and faithfully without even the hope of being paid?
>
> 6. Eventually there should be enough worthwhile material to publish a
> book. I can foresee selling it to the same crop of idiots who buy MAD
> Magazine. How can I get the EC Publications mailing list?
>
> Thank you for your help in this unique and unparalleled effort. We
> anticipate starting Real Soon Now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Twitter Oracularities #1
} Compiled-By: @zadoc
} Date: 25 Feb 13 14:30:56 GMT
}
} To find out how to ask a question of the Twitter Oracle, tweet:
}         #oracletwitter
} with the word "help" in the text.
} ------------------------------
}
} 1-01
} Selected-By: @therealkinzler
} Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
} > (See above)
} And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle:
} } Among stumbling blocks u left out dat ppl dont R/W long txt NEmore
} ------------------------------
}
} 1-02
} Selected-By: @notreallyiandavis
} Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
} > How much wood would #woodchuck chuck if woodchuck could chuck wood
} And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle:
} } Too long; did not read.  See?  #zot #tldnr #lol #rofl #zotagain
} ------------------------------
}
} 1-03
} Selected-By: @yetanothertimchew
} Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
} >
} And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle:
} } Too short; did not read.
} ------------------------------
}
} 1-04
} Selected-By: @klonesclone
} Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
} > The Oracle's question queue is getting rather full. Help speed thi
} And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle:
} } Help speed thi what?  U r not makin sense.
} ------------------------------
}
} 1-05
} Selected-By: @larkmawrence
} Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
} > Haven't heard much about Lisa. Written any haiku about her lately?
} And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle:
} } #My #Net.Sex.Goddess, #Counterintuitively, #Rejects #Recent #Tech.
} ------------------------------
}
} 1-06
} Selected-By: @lightbutnochains
} Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
} > When is the next version of NetHack coming out?
} And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle:
} } Wow! Thought NetHack apps for Android and iPad were a joke, but no
} ------------------------------
}
} 1-07
} Selected-By: @xofjustxof
} Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
} > Yo Oracle dude.  Can I use your hashtag for porn?
} And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle:
} } It depends on #whatareyouwearing, #bigboy?
} ------------------------------
}
} 1-08
} Selected-By: @kendaiafterhours
} Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
} > Oh Oracle most wise how can I fit both a grovel and a question int
} And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle:
} } Answers don't fit either. You owe the Oracle some hash and a tag.
} ------------------------------
}
} 1-09
} Selected-By: @OGTYPINGONKEYBOARDCANYOUREADTHISyesGOODTHENMECONTINUE
} Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
} > So.  What do you think of my Twitter Oracle concept so far?
} And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle:
} } Can't put my finger on it but the idea seems vaguely familiar.
} ------------------------------
}
} 1-10
} Selected-By: @TheRealDeweyCheathamAndHowe
} Twitter Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
} > I see the postal carrier has come.  Wonder what she brought?
} And in response, thus tweeteth the Oracle:
} } Defendant: Indiana University asked us to contact you. Desist.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Staff of Zot that works on lawyers.


1513-10    (5b721 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Impress me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll take "Famous Last Words" for $200.
}
} Who were ... the Golden Muscat grapes?
}
} Sorry, that was just a seedy little joke. I bet this will impress you:
} Your Oracle knows how to use question marks!
}
} Since you didn't ask a question, you owe the Oracle nothing.


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