[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:46:27 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1515

Goto:
1515, 1515-01, 1515-02, 1515-03, 1515-04, 1515-05, 1515-06, 1515-07, 1515-08, 1515-09, 1515-10


Internet Oracularities #1515    (23 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 07 Apr 2013 12:19:00 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1515
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1515  23 votes 136c1 25943 228a1 2a551 07781 46625 56a20 27833 039a1 25c40
1515  3.0 mean  3.4   3.0   3.3   2.7   3.1   2.9   2.4   2.9   3.4   2.8


1515-01    (136c1 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Unless I'm mistaken, I read something about "subtile humor"; what is
> it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Subtile humor" is found in men's restrooms of engineering buildings
} at some universities and a few other venues, and is the graffiti of
} the Grout Cult.  A graffito in this genre is classically scrawled in
} small print in the grout line between two wall tiles.  Examples
} include:
}
} Down and grout
} Grout of luck
} Tell me a-grout it
} Grout Expectations
} Grout day in the sunshine
}
} Variations on this theme can also be seen:
}
} Grout uber alles (scribbled on the tile below the grout line)
} Grout unter alles (same idea, though above the grout line)
}
} The Patron Saint of the Grout Cult is Sharpius; the Principal Opposer
} is Janitorio.
}
} This is not to be confused with "subtile humour," which would be to
} read this response aloud with a British accent in the style of a
} documentary.
}
} You owe the Oracle one complete reading of the dictionary.


1515-02    (25943 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There were these two farmers, Jake and Olle. Jake says to Olle, "So
> how are you at math? I need to know something about how to calculate
> for my farm."
>
> Olle replies, "well, I might know a bit. What's the problem?"
>
> "It's solar insolation. I was thinking I needed to understand the flux
> density so I could put up some electric panels. I got all confused
> when the fellow at the farm store said I could get 24 square kilowatts
> from the panel he was selling."
>
> "Well, Jake, he's an idiot. There is no such thing as square
> kilowatts. I'll bet he thinks that we farmers are ignorant. Iowa
> State's got more than just corn. My thesis was the net energy output
> of Barnard's Star, but I was really majoring in geophysics, not
> astronomy."
>
> "Oh, I know square kilowatts is wrong. What I was hoping was that we
> could sell him a computer program that would compute them for him.
> It'd be a simple matter of programming, an SMP. But you don't have
> continuity of functions on a computer, because the mathematics is
> really all those scaled integers they call floating point."
>
> "Ah yes, Jake, Floating Point. My girl Hulda and I used to go out
> there and swim naked at night, just like our grandparents did back in
> Sweden. 'Olle,' she would say, 'Olle, when are we gonna get married?'
> Well, I told her there was an Oracle who would answer that question.
> She screamed, and jumped in and swam, still naked, to Integer Isle. I
> never saw her again."
>
> "Olle, let's get back to the topic at hand. How can we make the
> program look like it's working, even when it's just a fake?"
>
> So Orrie, I have TWO questions for you here.
>
> 1. What sort of program should Olle and Jake write? How best to fool
>    the foolish salesbeast into buying it?
>
> 2. Whatever happened to Hulda?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Forget about fooling the salesman, who knows very well that
}    kilowatts are cubic, not square.
}
} 2. I think Lena got mad enough when she found out about Hulda,
}    that Hulda knew what was good for her and never swam back. The
}    brothel she managed on that island for many years finally went
}    bankrupt due to the low quality of broth they produced.
}
} You owe the Oracle a design for a complete solar system panel.


1515-03    (228a1 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, non grovelling supplicant (ahem), it is true.  And to save time
} regarding any follow-ups, these are true as well:
}
} All Twinkies and no exercise makes Jack a fat boy.
} All Call Of Duty and no books make Jack an unrounded boy.
} All play and no work make Jack a gadabout.
} All bone and no flesh make Jack a skeleton.
} All right angles and no unequal sides make Jack a square.
} All X chromosomes and no Y make Jack a girl.
} All skirts and no pants makes Jack a transvestite.
} All protoplasm and no cell membranes make Jack a disgusting puddle of
}   goo.
} All polyester and no cotton make Jack a fashion victim.
} All guns and no abortions make Jack a southern American.
} All Jack and all not Jack makes Jack part of the superset.
} All opinion and no facts makes Jack ripe for ridicule.
} All lefts and no rights make it take a really long time for Jack to
}   drive home.
} All his dad's Playboy collection and no one else at home makes Jack
}   lock himself if the bathroom for a while.
} All toasters and no pythagorean theorems make Jack wonder what the fuck
}   is going on.
} All filibuster and no feasible ideas makes Jack a GOP Congressman.
} All meat and no vegetables make Jack irregular.
} All self esteem and no humility makes Jack a dick.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of lawn darts.  No, not the "safe" round end
} kind.  I mean real ones that stick in the ground.  Its fun to watch
} Zadoc dodge when we play.


1515-04    (2a551 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That was scary!  Remind me never to do it again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't not never not do it again.


1515-05    (07781 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost.  Was it
> because the other contastents cheeted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. They stole all the good spellings from you. You were left with
} mispellings, sware words, typo's and incorect plural's, all of which
} you unfrotunately used.


1515-06    (46625 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they
> remember that they forgot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Say that again?


1515-07    (56a20 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Lawmakers want to 'unlock' your cellphones"?  I didn't know it was
> locked.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, well, you see, um---
}
} HEY LOOK OVER THERE SOME GUY IS THREATENING TO STEAL OUR GUNS
}
} *runs away with bags of money*


1515-08    (27833 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hope you know, this means WAR!
>
> At least, I think it does.  Can I have some help with my dictionary and
> thesaurus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it does not.
}
} Here is the definition, provided courtesy of Merriam-Webster:
}
} this, pronoun: (1) : the person, thing, or idea that is present or near
} in place, time, or thought or that has just been mentioned <these are
} my hands> (2) : what is stated in the following phrase, clause, or
} discourse <I can only say this: it wasn't here yesterday>
}
} If you observe carefully, you will see that "war" is not part of the
} definition. So in answer to your statement, this does not mean war.


1515-09    (039a1 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did I screw up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lying on your back.


1515-10    (25c40 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um, start again from the beginning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Returning all the horses to the starting gate is difficult, but
} possible, except for Spazzatronium, who died in a crumpled heap about
} 200 yards into the race. We can haul him back there if you would like,
} but reinflating him will cause a dreadful mess. Are you sure you want
} to try?


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org