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Internet Oracularities #1516

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Internet Oracularities #1516    (22 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 22 May 2013 15:26:17 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1516
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1516  22 votes 35671 37732 34744 24484 36445 25816 1b451 33727 07753 25555
1516  3.1 mean  2.9   2.7   3.1   3.4   3.1   3.2   2.7   3.3   3.2   3.3


1516-01    (35671 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you accept the scissors?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not as long as you've got the rock.


1516-02    (37732 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> With all the stuff that hasn't yet been done, what we need, each and
> every one of us, is to get behind ourselves and push!
>
> Or would it be better to get ahead of ourselves and pull?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why didn't I think of that sooner?  I could kick myself.


1516-03    (34744 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know science better than I do, mostly and I need your help. There
> is an inexawstable supply of power in gravity. Anybody who disobays the
> law of gravity they will turn off his lights.
>
> But how to build it so we can use it? My grand dad says we could get
> the levity from Uncle Miltie. I said whose that and he said Milton
> Burl. I don't know any Uncle Miltie. Grand dad makes things up, an
> pastor Sonderqvist says that is a sin. God I hate being Lutheren.
> Everything is a sin, probably even you.
>
> How can I get everybody to use gravity power and save the Planet? Or at
> least stop being Lutheren for a little while?
>
> Oh and I appologize for not being able to find the right way to spell
> inexawstable I also tried inexsawstable an thats wrong too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Timmy...(it is Timmy isn't it? I mean its always Timmy, am I
} right?  Well if it isn't Timmy, it is now)...I think you are looking at
} this all wrong.
}
} You are right that Lutherans are a pain and that  the whole "everything
} is sin" thing is a real downer.  Did you listen to what I said there?
} I am giving you a hint on how you are looking at this wrong.
}
} Getting it?...no?  Okay, I will proceed. There is a reason that
} Lutherans are so obsessed with sin.  Its because focusing on it makes
} them feel low and it makes their hearts heavy.
}
} See it now?  No? I have to just say it?
}
} Timmy, Lutherans are the source of gravity! They generate it with their
} bodies, but only when they are depressed or worried! The Protestant
} Reformation had nothing to do with a schism in beliefs related to the
} worship of an obviously fictional malevolent, manic, self contradictory
} diety.  That was just a cover so people wouldn't panic.  It was about
} finding a replacement source for the dwindling supply of gravity.
}
} You see,  the older more nature based religions had been the source of
} gravity for a very long time.  But because Catholicism tended to either
} stamp out or subsume other religions it encountered, in the course of
} the previous centuries (especially the dark ages) the Catholic church
} created a severe shortage of believers in more primitive religions.
} There was simply not enough of a supply of gravity. The Renaissance was
} a direct result of this.  The feeling of lightness and positiveness
} that help spark the creative revolution was one of the first signs of
} the problem.
}
} You understand?  A little? Don't worry you will get it.
}
} So continuing...as the religious at the time be basically a bulk of the
} learned as well they finally realized what was going on. The problem
} was that there was not way to go back to more pagan religions now, not
} after they had spent all that time, money, and blood to get everybody
} Catholic.  It was Martin Luther who finally stumbled a solution.
} Admittedly inelegant but it did have the benefit of being self
} sustaining. And because the nature of man is to pretty much be a dick,
} he went overboard on execution and we have to religious landscape we
} have today.
}
} The upside is that there is plenty of gravity, but way too many
} varieties of Protestants.
}
} So now that we know more about gravity, can we more directly address
} your questions?
}
} No, not really.  You never really explained what you wanted to build.
} You need to ask better questions.
}
} Oh, and your Granddad is just screwing with you. He is old and bored.
} Its what they do.
}
} And Uncle Miltie was the first transvestite.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Meaning of Liff".


1516-04    (24484 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I whined to you about my miserable results in that essay for
> history class, the one where I used the word "pheasants" instead of
> "peasants" when describing the revolutions of 1848, you suggested that
> I make amends by reciting in class a story you gave me about some
> peasants and their establishment of an avicultural cultural association
> in the valley of their village.
>
> Your evil story got me THROWN OUT OF SCHOOL just because I could not
> pronounce the name of the cultural association of Pleasant Valley (the
> Pleasant Valley Pheasant Pluckers) without stumbling.
>
> So here I am whining to you again. I don't see how you can put up with
> supplicants as difficult as me.
>
> Please suggest some other school I can attend where I can continue my
> studies. I'm certain that I am destined to be a "perpetual student"
> because I'm obviously no good at doing any sort of constructive work.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In view of your recent explusion and the stress that must have caused
} you, I'll overlook your failure to grovel this time.
}
} There are a number of schools, trades, and jobs I can suggest for your
} education:
}  1) School of Old Cobblers for Circuses. Here you will learn how to
}     construct brightly coloured clown shoes from cow hide. The school
}     motto is "Red Leather, Yellow Leather".
}  2) School for Seaside Business Management. The school head is a Mrs
}     Shelia Shawcross. She used to sell sea-shells on the seashore.
}  3) Combined Music, Agriculture, and Food Preservation College. Their
}     most promising student was expelled recently for stealing some of
}     the produce. Apparently Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled
}     peppers, and everyone wants to know, "Where's the peck of pickled
}     peppers that Peter Piper picked?"
}  4) I hear that there's a circus that needs a trainer for a troop of
}     pachyderms which performs for charitable purposes. Seventy-seven
}     benevolent elephants are rather a handful.
}  5) Computer Cleaning Services. The first lesson you will learn is
}     that "Dust is a disk's worst enemy".
}  6) Journalistic training. As part of this, you will be required to
}     report on a story about an unkempt vagabond who tried to evade
}     police by circling a boulder many times. Apparently the ragged
}     rascal ran round and round the ragged rocks.
}  7) There's a family looking for an interior designer for their son's
}     bedroom. He's obsessed with cuddly toys. The advice of the last
}     person they hired was "Furnish Freddie's nursery with forty-four
}     furry Furby Beanie Babies."
}  8) Veterinarian for a large Arab family of sheep-farmers who've been
}     having a lot of problems with illness both in their livestock and
}     among themselves. They need someone to look after the sixth sick
}     sheik's sixth sick sheep.
}  9) Chef for a monastery where many of the monks are obese through
}     eating too much battered plaice. Last time I went there I found
}     five fat friars frying flat fish.
} 10) Wildlife documentary producer. There's a new project examining how
}     much timber a groundhog could throw if it had evolved to be able
}     to do so. Wait a minute! That was a w**dc***k question, wasn't it?
}     I'm not giving you any more career suggestions until you
}     apologise.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reminder that Lisa's birthday is on the third
} Thursday of this month.


1516-05    (36445 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have such a picky computer.  It reset itself just because I plugged
> my headphones into my USB port!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should see what happens when you plug the headphones into the 20 mA
} current loop connector.


1516-06    (25816 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> d00d can u t3ach m3 to be a 1337 hax0r? i wan7 t0 b3 a g00d hax0r cuz
> i11 b3 ab13 to hax0r th3 0rac13 and a01 and 0wn 3v3ry0n3s b0x3n!
>
> hax0ring is s00p3r c001!! d0 u n0 w3r t0 g37 fr33 p0rnz? are3 th3r aney
> war3s d00dz in my ar3a?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Leet is so OLD. There was too much of it so nobody uses it anymore.
}
} What's in now is to learn the ancient languages like Latin and Greek,
} so you can be erudite and have honest vocabulary, correctly spelled,
} that your teachers will never understand.
}
} For example, with appropriate sesquipedalianism you can be as precise
} as possible, ironically making your oratorical sonorities too
} pleonastic to be expeditiously assimilated.
}
} You might even try using the raw Latin itself. Your teachers will leave
} you alone, assuming you know everything. After all, as you are already
} aware, quidquid Latine dictum sit altum viditur.
}
} Oraculo verbum Graece debes.


1516-07    (1b451 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Never wrestle with a pig - you'll both get dirty, and the pig will
> love it."
>
> I should follow that more often.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never pretend to ask a question of the Oracle, especially without
} grovelling. You will get something you didn't want, and the Oracle will
} stare right through you, as omniscient as ever.


1516-08    (33727 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need a word beginning with O. It must convey my overwhelming
> obsession with oracular observations of the Omniscient Oracle.
>
> Thank yOu.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O obsequious one, orations opening 'O' occur often. Omnipotent,
} omnipresent, omnicompetent, or omniscient organisms often overwhelm
} obeisant observers. 'O' outpourings occasion overexcitement of
} ordinary organisms.
} Overjoyed, overexcited, overenthusiastic, or overawed onlookers oft
} overreact.
}
} One owes Oracle ovation or oblation of ouzo.


1516-09    (07753 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Has he finally quit?  I don't know what's taking him so long.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know that your relationship has come close to an end when you
} stop complaining about him being to fast, and instead start sending
} out emails like this during the act.


1516-10    (25555 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aargh.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (See? I told you this would happen!)
} (Oh, hush! They were cheap and they looked good in the interview!)
} (Really? You fell for that acrobat nonsense!)
} (Just answer the damn question!)
}
} *sigh*
} Dear Supplicant:
} While we admire your patronage, and while we appreciate the effort you
} took to contact us, we find ourselves sadly unable to accommodate your
} request. We, as a board of collective deities, have determined that at
} the current time ninjas are in fact the most appropriate guards for our
} purposes. We understand your frustration, and we have been informed
} numerous times of the rivalries between your respective groups. We will
} work in the future towards being a more equal-opportunity employer, and
} will notify you or your descendants the next time an opening becomes
} available. In the meantime, as a consolation prize, please find
} enclosed:
} 1 peg leg, mahogany
} 1 parrot, trained
} 8 pieces of eight, polished and shiny.
} Sincerely, the Internet Oracle.
} You owe the Oracle a scurvy dog. Whatever that is.


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