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Internet Oracularities #1517

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1517, 1517-01, 1517-02, 1517-03, 1517-04, 1517-05, 1517-06, 1517-07, 1517-08, 1517-09, 1517-10


Internet Oracularities #1517    (22 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 31 May 2013 12:40:51 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1517
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1517  22 votes 16555 24880 26680 12694 13477 26941 59521 39640 44860 33a51
1517  3.0 mean  3.3   3.0   2.9   3.6   3.7   2.8   2.3   2.5   2.7   2.9


1517-01    (16555 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thank gosh for euphemisms.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not really.
}
} Without context, euphemisms make you think of something completely
} different in the following situations:
}
} "Simon's just bought the farm!"
} Simon's just purchased a plot of land with some agricultural potential.
}
} "John's batting for the other side"
} Their cricket team was two men down, but John kindly offered to switch
} teams so that they were of equal sizes.
}
} "Mary explained about the birds and the bees."
} Mary told us about all the problems that pesticides are causing in
} apian populations.
}
} "I lost my lunch"
} Where, oh where can my sandwiches be?
}
} "Sally's got a bun in the oven."
} So you can't do a souffle in it, because the oven's at the wrong
} temperature.
}
} "Fortunately, Bill didn't inhale."
} Breathing in fumes from a burning rubbish dump would have caused Bill
} severe health problems.
}
} You owe the Oracle a less confusing version of "The Dead Parrot
} Sketch".


1517-02    (24880 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh seaworthy Oracle, who would never get lost at sea, much less for
> ten years:
>
> I have been reading the Odyssey, but I found a very obvious plot hole
> that has apparently been overlooked. After returning to Circe for
> advice, they sail past the island of the Sirens. But the Sirens's
> singing makes them sail closer to the rocks! I thought you were
> supposed to move away from sirens. Is Odysseus just a bad driver, or
> is there something deeper going on here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The key to your query is "on the rocks" which indicates you are drunk.
} Drunken driving is not recommended, regardless of who you are. Or as
} you (drunken supplicant) might say, trying to impress me, "irregardless
} of whom you might is". When you're drunk and the sirens tell you to
} pull over, what do YOU do? Claim classical mythology as an excuse?
}
} You owe the Oracle the answer sheet with the correct spelling of
} Odysseus and the other names that you have hidden up your sleeve.


1517-03    (26680 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "If it's too loud, you're too old."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Did you say anything?  This tinnitus drowns everything.


1517-04    (12694 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Surely this can't be a null question, I thought those had been
} outlawed in the Great-Null-Uprising of 2008?
} No, this must be one of those hidden questions.
}
} *Looks more closely*
}
} No, still looks like a blank. Ah, I've got it! It's that Unicode
} character that looks like a blank, is rendered as a blank, but is
} actually described as "a ghost in an invisibility cloak, juggling
} ferrets".
}
} *Selects question, pastes into Unicode character-mapper.*
}
} No, this actually is a blank question. What am I supposed to do with
} that? Why, the last time I saw anything remotely useful produced from
} absolutely nothing was when the Big G kicked everything off 13.7
} billion years ago, and even then the only good thing to come out of
} that was this automated system for answering questions.
}
} Anyway, when this universe began, that was from a very specialised
} form of nothing. I know it *looked* like nothing, but there was all
} this clever mathematics behind it: string theory, M-theory, Q-theory
} (I know you haven't heard of that, but just you wait, everyone will be
} *queueing* up to accept a Nobel prize for that one), and a whole
} boat-load of bosuns (or was it bosons? or bosi? Something like that,
} anyway). This question doesn't have anything like that; it just sits
} there with no potential, no existence, no, well, nothing!
}
} If there's one thing I can't stand about this job, it's all these
} supplicants who think I can guess exactly what they are asking from a
} purely blank question. Obviously I could (I am the all-knowing Oracle,
} after all), but it's so much hard work to check. If it were up to me,
} all null questions would be automatically zotted, but just because
} some woolly-minded liberal priest thinks that zotting-weapons
} shouldn't automatically be fired by a flock of trained w**dc****s,
} because they make a mistake less than one time out of every two, I
} have to actually read all these questions, and reply appropriately.
}
} Oh well, I suppose I'd better check what this supplicant wants.
}
} *Rummages through mental filing cabinet for a billionth of a second.*
}
} > Oh most benevolent Oracle,
} > Please tell me, your most unworthy supplicant, why is a raven like a
} > writing desk?
}
} Well, passable grovel, I suppose. The obvious answer is, because Poe
} wrote on both, but you wouldn't have asked the question in that case,
} would you?
} The actual answer, you will be surprised to hear, dear supplicant, is:
}
} What do you mean, an African or a European writing desk?
}
} You owe the Oracle a better class of nothing.


1517-05    (13477 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pardon me, I was looking for Mars.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all. It is an easy (if... uncommon) mistake to confuse Mount
} Olympus with Olympus Mons. Here are a few key differences you can keep
} in mind to prevent further confusion in the future.
}
} 1. Olympus Mons is the highest mountain in our solar system, making the
} peak extraordinarily difficult to reach. Mount Olympus is around 2,900
} meters, but the peak doesn't exist.
} 2. Mount Olympus is white, Olympus Mons is rust-colored. Frankly, I
} don't know where you're from, but if rust-tinted sunglasses are
} fashionable there, I can see why you're moving. Take them off.
} 3. Visitors to Mount Olympus typically gasp in awe and grovel. Visitors
} to Olympus Mons typically gasp in terror and asphyxiate.
} 4. Gods who live on Mount Olympus are typically bearded and
} righteous-looking, while goddesses are idealistic representations of
} beauty. If you meet gods or goddesses on Olympus Mons, please contact
} NASA and start running, fast.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation for how you got here in the first
} place. Preferably very quickly, as Zeus tends not to appreciate guests.
} Especially unfashionable ones. Really, take them off.


1517-06    (26941 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It has been said that a gentleman is a person who knows how to play the
> bagpipes, but doesn't.
>
> You (of course) know how to play the bagpipes. You also know how to
> avoid playing the bagpipes, and how to teach playing the bagpipes.
>
> I'd like to learn how to play the bagpipes, so that I could be a
> gentleman by not playing them. Please teach me.
>
> Oh, and I wish that you and I remain gentlemen throughout the lessons,
> so please teach me without the actual use of the bagpipes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please watch a video of someone playing "Scotland the Brave" for 10
} minutes; that is how NOT to play the bagpipes.  Every other way is HOW
} TO play the bagpipes, ergo, reductio ad absurdum, you now know how to
} play them.  That was quick!
}
} You owe the Oracle the gentleman's bagpipes.  With positive
} identification.


1517-07    (59521 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are little brothers and sisters so annoying?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mostly because they're not nearly as mature as you are, yet.


1517-08    (39640 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fruitbats, moonbats, wombats, what's the best way to get them out of my
> thoughts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With a baseball bat.  Bat 'er up!


1517-09    (44860 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My Grandfather had Cancer of the Colon. I think I have Capricorn of the
> Semicolon. What are the Signs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} hanging around the tropics too much


1517-10    (33a51 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the "Axis" of WWII were so-called because they thought
> the world revolved around them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a little-known fact that the Axis Powers were actually known as
} such because of a translation error. The losing side of World War II
} really preferred to be known as the Power Axes.
}
} When leaders of Nazi Germany, Japan, and Italy convened to name their
} newly formed alliance, they had all coincidentally spent the morning
} reading poetry in their native languages and were in a wordy mood. It
} was the three nations' ultimate goal to take over the rest of the
} world; the leaders decided to get all metaphorical (thanks to their
} poetry-filled morning) with their team name, and they eventually
} settled on "the Axes," which referred to their shared intent to chop
} down the metaphorical trees that were the nations who opposed them.
} General Tojo (of Japan) had a personal interest in power tools, and he
} suggested that the Axes name be expanded to "Power Axes." Hitler and
} Mussolini agreed, though primarily because it made their forces sound
} more intimidating.
}
} Oddly enough, to this day there is no such tool known as a "power axe."


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