[IO]
Internet Oracle
23 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:28:56 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1519

Goto:
1519, 1519-01, 1519-02, 1519-03, 1519-04, 1519-05, 1519-06, 1519-07, 1519-08, 1519-09, 1519-10


Internet Oracularities #1519    (22 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 06 Aug 2013 09:05:53 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1519
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1519  22 votes 57262 32773 18580 06952 18823 28453 69322 17554 56731 26851
1519  2.9 mean  2.7   3.2   2.9   3.1   2.9   3.0   2.3   3.2   2.5   2.9


1519-01    (57262 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> With all due respect, why do some people think you need to earn
> theirs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Respect is a sign, show, display, or grant, of well, appreciation for a
} person's good character or other positive attributes. (I'm not going to
} fall into the trap of doing a circular reference and saying respect is
} a sign of respect!)
}
} You cannot expect someone to show appreciation of someone's good
} character in the absence of seeing that character and how they act
} absent having actually experienced it.
}
} Those who claim that respect is something we owe, misunderstand its
} purpose. Respect is an award, a recognition of value. Like winning 1st
} Place in a contest, to be given an award, one must earn that award, one
} must be granted respect, not given it. Anything given has no value.
}
} Here, I present you an award that says, "Winner, 1st Place in the
} Oracle Supplicant contest." If I give that to you for no reason, or I
} give it to everyone, does it mean anything? No. If I make it about as
} difficult to obtain as getting wet in a rainstorm, it has no value; it
} is absolutely worthless. But, if I say that your question was the best
} one I've ever gotten, and I grant you that award for your question,
} then, is it worth anything? Yes, because it is an admission that what
} you say was something special, something of value. In fact, in a kind
} of circular reference, the award might be an example of a show of
} respect itself.
}
} So, for that reason I now rescind the award I have just given you since
} your question is nothing special. But, I believe I have answered your
} question, and, if you feel that my answer is of value to you, then you
} may choose to grant me your respect if you believe I have earned it.
}
} You owe The Oracle a case of red, white and blue ribbons so he can give
} them out to supplicants who do win 1st, 2nd and 3rd Place in the Oracle
} Supplicant Contest, which I am now establishing. Whether the award will
} be for the best question that day, week, month, or year, I am not yet
} certain; I'll figure it out later.
}
} And note, I did not say you owe me respect, again, respect is not a
} debt that we repay to someone else, it is an honor that we grant to
} them as a value.


1519-02    (32773 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Harblush M. Asbestos here. Now you're probably wondering why my family
> name is Asbestos. Everyone wants to know, and even your famed (or
> maligned) omniscience should not hinder you from your rights in
> wonderment. Anyway, so there we were at immigration, on Ellis Island.
> Well, not me, exactly. It was my great-great-grandfather, Igncz
> Blwrmptzhwldzrschntz. According to family legend, GGGrandfather gave
> the name, and the clerk said, "Bless you!" GGG said, "I don't think
> you have that right. It's Blwrmptzhwldzrschntz, but I can see you
> might have trouble with it. We don't know how to spell it, either.
> Just put it down AS BEST AS you can do."
>
> Well, that was then, 1842, and this is now, 170 years later, with only
> 25 years to go before the Unix Date Code scheme expires.
>
> So I asked our Sys Admin folks what was going to happen when it does
> expire, and they said, "We're going to do AS BEST AS we can."
>
> GreatGreatGrandfather was correct, it seems. Asbestos forever!
>
> What, if anything, can we in the Blwrmptzhwldzrschntz/Asbestos family
> do to help bring the 32-bit Unix date code into the 64-bit world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Harblush,
}
} It is good that you are concerned about the End of Unix Epoch with 25
} years to go. If there's one thing we don't want, it's a full-on panic
} in 2038 as machines everywhere collapse. Trust an Asbestos to want to
} avoid fire-fighting as a bug-fixing approach.
}
} With your name in mind, may I suggest marrying another supplicant with
} whom I have had dealings, Miss Dulciana Chomondley-Warner-Fitzgerald.
} Combining your name with hers will cause databases everywhere to
} overflow their Surname data-field when you apply for a marriage
} licence. Sysadmins will then panic as their databases malfunction, and
} code-rewrites will be scheduled, which will hopefully cause the
} programmers to update the date field to 64-bit at the same time.
}
} In case this doesn't work, I suggest campaigning for NASA to
} investigate time-travel. Even if the plans only reach the design stage,
} they will need to mandate a government-wide date-stamp that can cope
} with dates all the way from -13.7 billion BC to 100 billion AD (ish).
}
} Ultimately, the best way to enforce 64-bit compliance is to become a
} programmer (if you're not one already). However, simply asking your
} boss for time to recompile all code in 64-bit compliant mode will
} result in you being fired. You will have to be more subtle. In this
} case, you will need to engineer a complete collapse of civilisation
} (just apply to the financial-derivatives sector). Then, the resulting
} war-like and primitive tribes will need to rediscover computing from
} scratch. Either they will rebuild all machines with 64-bit compliance
} built in, or they will fail to reinvent computers before 2038. Either
} way, you're good.
}
} You owe the Oracle a solution to the 292471210648 AD problem.


1519-03    (18580 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am i gay

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I certainly hope so, like Wilson Phillips said in their song "You're in
} Love," because I want you to be happy.
}
} If you're not, go watch an episode of The Flintstones, so that you'll
} have a gay old time.
}
} But if you didn't mean "happy," then like another cartoon character, I
} don't think you're really gay, at most you're Homer Sexual.
}
} You owe The Oracle a ton of puns, so that We can replace damaged bone
} marrow with more material that is humerus.


1519-04    (06952 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and clever,
>
> What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy. You get yourself killed.
}
} Mortals really shouldn't go mucking about in Africa. We made that place
} flat, dry and dusty for a reason, you know. Yet you tourists kept
} coming to visit, saying that Africa was "distant" and "exotic".
}
} What a load of rubbish!
}
} In an attempt to keep still more of you away, we populated it with the
} one-offs of the animal species, and gave most of them either claws,
} horns or venom. Still, you insisted on visiting the place.
}
} This we created the elephant/rhino cross, commonly referred to as a
} "ellifIkno". (Go sit on a stump and ponder that one!)
}
} You owe the Oracle the names of your next-of-kin, and a subscription to
} National Geographic.


1519-05    (18823 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't get it.  How is that better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you did get it, then:
}
} 1) You would become highly infectious, causing you to become a social
} pariah.
}
} 2) You would start out making a success of your new job until you were
} promoted beyond your competence and caused the downfall of modern
} civilisation by making one simple mistake, causing you to become a
} social pariah.
}
} 3) You would be forced to practise your new violin in a soundproof
} bunker until you could play Vivaldi's Four Seasons without attracting
} the local feline population, causing you to become a social pariah.
}
} 4) Your new parrot would memorise your blazing rows with your partner
} and repeat them at your next dinner party, causing you to become a
} social pariah.
}
} 5) Your new car would turn out to conceal a shipment of illegal drugs,
} resulting in your eventual arrest and incarceration, causing you to
} become a social pariah.
}
} You owe the Oracle your place in polite society.


1519-06    (28453 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You remember when you got pulled over for writing drunk?  Was there a
> sobriety test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nahhhhh. One look at my poetic licence and they realised I was as good
} as Brendan Behan, a top-notch literary drunkard. Brendan once described
} himself as, "a drinker with a writing problem."
}
} You owe the Oracle two additional cases of Hennessy VVSOP. I've not
} forgotten the four cases you owe from last year and the 16 from the
} previous decade. Just reminding you, just reminding you.


1519-07    (69322 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Excuse me, sir, but where are the champions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're right here:
}
} http://www.alwaysachampion.com/
}
} Or at your local auto-parts store.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Cummins Diesel.


1519-08    (17554 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, please help me. You know a lot more words than I do. And maybe
> how to use them.
>
> I wrote you a poem, but I am having trouble finishing it. Please tell
> me the final word. It's gotta rhyme.
>
> Roses are red
> Violets are purple.
> I love the Oracle
> Because he is _______.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...rhetorical.
}
} Well, what did you expect?


1519-09    (56731 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hurrah.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "... but there is no case," the professor continued, "in which two
} negatives can form a positive."
}
} From the back of the lecture hall, in a bored tone: "Yeah. Sure."
}
} You owe the Oracle, whose bank is failing, a cure for loss of interest.


1519-10    (26851 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't even know how to begin asking you about this, but you'll figure
> it out, for sure. All I wanted was to find out exactly what time it was
> by a good standard. So I started to ask you for Naval Observatory Time.
>
> By the time I was ready to press SEND I suddenly noticed that I had
> written Nasal Observatory Time instead!
>
> My cranial alarm bells started to blink furiously. I knew I was on to
> something new, something totally indescribable.
>
> Who nose Nasal Observatory Time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yours.  Whatever time you choose to pick it, someone will observe it!


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org