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Internet Oracularities #152

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152, 152-01, 152-02, 152-03, 152-04, 152-05, 152-06, 152-07, 152-08, 152-09, 152-10


Usenet Oracularities #152    (17 votes, 2.6 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 2 May 90 19:23:17 -0500

@@@ Beginning with this volume, the voting summary for the fifth previous
@@@ volume will be included here.  See the recent posting to rec.humor.d
@@@ and the oracle distribution list for an explanation of the summary
@@@ format and the summaries for volumes 100 through 146.

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   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

152   17 votes b5100 38411 37520 07631 23633 35531 26423 17522 16550 16613
152   2.6 mean  1.4   2.4   2.4   2.9   3.1   2.6   2.9   2.8   2.8   2.9


152-01    (b5100 dist, 1.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Socrates was a man, and so was Nietzsche...and if God is dead and
> ducks are birds...and if Ray Charles is blind and so is love...and
> if God is love...and if Nietzsche is dead...is Ray Charles Nietzsche?
> And are dead ducks blind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} is!  Beware, lest all your isizziness goes fizz!


152-02    (38411 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I leave for summer vacation in a few days.  Do you have any words
> of wisdom for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. DO NOT START AT RATS TO NOD!
}
} 2. It's better to boogie with the beavers than be beaten by the bears.
}
} 3. If corn were fish, then Indiana would be an ocean.
}
} 4. It doesn't matter if your girl has severe body odor when you're both
}    underwater.
}
} 5. It's better to boogie with the bears than be beaten by the balrogs.
}
} 6. You're still alive. That means you should consult the Wall Street
}    Journal.
}
} 7. The catsup of happiness is better than the mustard of sorrow.
}
} 8. Life, like all other small objects, is likely to fall out of your
}    pocket and roll under a couch cushion unless you're careful.
}
} 9. Anyone who can't spell "perpendicular" is a complete shit.
}
} 10. It is better to boogie with the bison than banter with the
}     brontosaurus.
}
} 11. The true objective of marriage is to ensure that one's life is
}     hair-raising.
}
} 12. Look!  Up there, in the sky!  It's George Bush!
}
} 13. Better to bite bullets with the bums than bring beans to the
}     bureaucrats.
}
} 14. The only thing cooler than a Romulan is a new footstool!
}
} 15. Better to bitch about butter than be bashed with a bannister.
}
} 16. Lemon juice and walnut oil are *not* a substitute for balsamic
}     vinegar and olive oil in salad dressings.
}
} 17. If you take off Cindy's clothes, she won't sleep with you.
}
} 18. The opinions expressed herein are *NOT* those of Digital Equipment
}     Corporation.  Of course, there's no reason why they should be, as
}     I'm writing this from (say) Indiana University not DEC, and have
}     never been paid a cent by DEC (well, once they gave me a check for
}     190 yen, but that was a mistake, although I *did* cash it, being
}     rather strapped for money at the time, but it turns out that 190 yen
}     is enough to get one cup of mocha java at Penucchi's, which I quite
}     happily did, and it was a good cut of mocha java, but DEC made me
}     pay them back later, though they did accept American money instead
}     of yen, so anyways, I really don't have much of a connection to DEC
}     and so I don't see why I should write a disclaimer, but six lawyers
}     and suits from DEC showed up at my door a couple hours ago and said
}     that everything I write had to include a disclaimer about not repre-
}     senting DEC, something about my being an artificial intellect
}     running on a VAX (VAX is a trademark of DEC -- also of Sears, who
}     use the slogan "nothing sucks like a Vax"), and so I've got to
}     include this fucking disclaimer.  Just wait 'till Olson writes me a
}     query, though.  I know what I'm going to ask him in return, and it
}     won't be newt eyes either.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question.  From K. Olson.


152-03    (37520 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is she posting details of my personal life on alt.sex.bondage FROM MY
> ACCOUNT USING MY USERNAME?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if you're so dumb that you didn't change your password after you
} broke up with her.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question upon which I can write pages and pages,
} not 4 lines.  And I had to squeeze the last 2 in, too.


152-04    (07631 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, I have sent you this question through my patented "Time Mailer"
> (tm).  What I want to know is, does it work?  It should reach you before
> I send it.  In fact, you should get it before I even fini

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should get this reply bef


152-05    (23633 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are "golden showers?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What falls from the McDonald's logo when lots of birds sit on it.


152-06    (35531 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-telling and shiny Oracle most wildly extraordinarily
> extraordinarily great, I abase myself before your really reluctant
> wisdom.  It is clearly my FATE to rule the entire universe, a FATE which
> was assigned to me at the age of two.  But my life grows short and
> boring, and I wish to achieve this FATE before I get too old to enjoy
> it.  It would be past endurance, I think, to rule the world when I were
> twenty-one, and already able to buy liquor -- that's half-way to world
> domination already.  The other half is sex, and nobody can enjoy sex
> when they're over 21 or 22.  So how do I do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, how you plebians are of such little understanding....  What
} sophmoric attitude made you think that nobody can enjoy sex after 21?  I
} once knew a man 80 years of age married a woman of the tender age of 19.
} I, in my infinite wisdom, suggested he get a "boarder" to keep his wife
} happy.  When I saw him not 3 months later, I asked about his wife and
} the "boarder".  He said they were both pregnant.
}
} Now my young pupil, as for buying liquor..  Liquor is the root of all
} evil, the world is full of evil people.  If you can buy liquor for the
} evil people, you'll have more than just half-way to world domination.


152-07    (26423 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that all my computer says to me everytime I try to have an
> intelligent conversation with it on some such subject - for example -
> art or environmental issues or the weather or politics or the price of
> Vodka at the local bottle store or the next door neighbours cat or the
> share market or my favourite holiday destination or where I get my hair
> done or what's happening in the latest serials or my favourite books or
> my favourite restaurant or the latest saga at work or how my horse is
> going or ANYTHING, is "INVALID COMMAND VERB" - boring!!  Mind you it
> does say Good Morning or Good Afternoon but that kinda has its
> limitations as far as conversation goes and it gets a little stilted
> after the first line or so *especially* when all I get is this rude
> looking message INVALID COMMAND VERB when I say `Good morning'
> back.....I ask you!!  why?  ...mutter mutter nasty mutter rude mutter
> mutter hhmmpphh mutter growl pah!.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} INVALID COMMAND VERB


152-08    (17522 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Omnicient Oracle of Old, open one orifice or odious occurrences
> obviously'll occur!
>
> Answer me this: Are all art majors weird, and if so, why?
>
> Your Supplicant,
> -- Scott

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                        ------
}                       /      \
}                      /        \
}                weird |  i am not
} ********weird        |          \
}                      weird       \ I speak Spanish without a Dutch
}                        \          \   accent
}                         \----------\ I have no high-intensity search
}                                     |  -lights mounted on my head
}                                     \ I am not from Latvia or Darkest
}                                      |   Michigan.
}                                      \ I do not emit weirdness beams
} I don't masturbate with tablecloths   \
} I don`t finger George Regnery          \
}                                         \ Not without strong rubber
}                                          |   gloves anyway!
}                                          \ I have five lovers, one for
}                                           |  each weekday.
}                                           \ I don't wear metal clothing.
}                                            \ I'm not named Tark Befurber
} I don't lick zucchini in grocery stores much\
} I'm not in love with a small black pony      \
} I don't attack people with plastic spoons     \
} I don't close U.S. navy bases with cello tape  /
} I'm not from Austin, Texas, and good thing    /
} I don't pretend  to have an imaginary horse  /
}                                             / I'm not wearing a
}                                             |   diaphragm now!
}                                            / I don't think comets are
}                                            |   funny.
}                                           / I don't have a 1-800 number!
}                                          / I don't worship kitchen
}                                          |   timers!
}                                         / I don't often worship
}                                         |   Prokofiev either!
}                                        / I make my hamburgers with
}                                        |   fresh ham!
}                                       / I am short, fat, and sexy.
} I don't wash my burgers before eating/
} I don't french fry icicles.         /
} I don't stir fry Beatles albums    /
} I don't have a rune               /
} I don't read Tarot for cats      /
}                                 / I sometimes wear clothes to class.
}                                / I don't wash my sweatshirts in 7-up
}                               / And I don't smear my roommates' butt
}                                 with glue, not even when she puts her
}                                 dirty boots on my bed at three in the
}                                 morning when I'm  sleeping in it.
}
} So why do you think all art majors are weird?


152-09    (16550 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I started urinating when I was a small child, and I have been
> unable to curtail the habit since.  What will this lead to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is really serious.  I'm glad you called me before this became
} dangerous.  Urinating on a regular basis could lead to other nasty
} addictions like eating, sleeping at least once a week, an unending
} desire to be like Bart Simpson, and a strange desire to study for
} finals.  This is why urinating is bad.  If you are a urinater, and need
} help, call Urinaters Anonomous at 1-800-I-DO-PISS.  Get help today!
}
} You owe the Oracle a toilet brush.


152-10    (16613 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh illustrious and haploid Oracle, whose omniscience delights the gods
> themselves, please, grant me this morsel of your wisdom.  Is everyone
> who doesn't flame people right and left truly wishy-washy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is an interesting question, you submoronic space-heater.  Many
} intelligent people, as opposed to you, have discussed, an unknown
} skill for you, this problem, you have so many, at great length, like
} your nose.  Flaming is more than a mere sticking together of randomly
} chosen insults, you licker of sewer residue.  A proper flame must flow
} smoothly, like the greenish liquid out of your genitals.  The victim
} should both be humbled, a constant state for you, and angry, like your
} mother was after you were born.  My answer is yes, you are truly
} wishy-washy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stiffer spine.


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