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Internet Oracularities #1520

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1520, 1520-01, 1520-02, 1520-03, 1520-04, 1520-05, 1520-06, 1520-07, 1520-08, 1520-09, 1520-10


Internet Oracularities #1520    (20 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 24 Aug 2013 10:59:10 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1520
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1520  20 votes 03854 07652 32a32 026a2 13934 06932 23654 75332 14a41 32744
1520  3.1 mean  3.5   3.1   3.0   3.6   3.3   3.0   3.3   2.4   3.0   3.2


1520-01    (03854 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> What's going on?  Listen, I just have one little question.  One teeny
> tiny little question:
>
> why do I have no rights?
>
> Yours,
> Sup

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because the accident at the sawmill left you half the
} man you used to be.  Get used to your new nickname, Lefty.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Bill of Lefts.


1520-02    (07652 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I will shut you assholes down. Do not doubt it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There, there. A bit of Pepso-Bysmol and a nice laxative and everything
} will come out fine.


1520-03    (32a32 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Koufax tried to entrap Othello, would he be a city in california?
>
> (hint: what would happen if you drop a waffle on the beach?)
>
> To those who support me: sorry I've been absent so long. I've got tons
> of great new material, I won't disappoint! We will not let the evil
> assholes censor us! They will lose. Thanks, all for your support! We
> WILL triumph over these evil idiots.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc, come over here.
}
} [shuffle, shuffle]
}
} Stop shuffling! I can't stand it. You're worse than the Riddle Troll.
}
} [Zadoc puts down the pack of cards. They are, of course a pinochle deck
} with an added five of clubs.]
}
} -- Yes, O Master, who has supplicants upon whom the sun never shines?
}
} Exactly! Look at this one.
}
} -- Why he's back! The nerve!
}
} Nerve was not the bodily part that came to mind. You were on target
} when you mentioned the sunshine.
}
} -- California, eh?
}
} Stop being Canadian, Zadoc.
}
} -- Eh?
}
} Stop it.
}
} -- Oh. Okay. He's certainly full of ... himself, isn't he!
}
} You can say that again.
}
} -- Oh. Okay. He's certainly full of ... himself, isn't he!
}
} On second thought, why don't you resume shuffling.
}
} -- Because ... oh, I get it.
}
} [Zadoc picks up cards and shuffles away.]


1520-04    (026a2 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You'll have to excuse my fingers. When I wrote apoplectic I really
> meant apocalyptic. That quite changes the tone of the religious essay
> I wanted you to write for me. Please send me the revised virgin of it
> as soon as you can. I'm flunking faster now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the script writers for Samson, the greatest ever comedian (he
} brought the house down), we bring you the ultimate guide to the Bible,
} from Genius to Revolution.
} -----
}
} Genius
}
} In the beginning, the world was gormless and devoid of all sense. Then
} God said, "Let there be tripe", and there was tripe. And everyone said,
} "this is offally good, what is it?" And God saw that it was food.
}
} And God created humus in his own brand-image, just in time for the
} barbecue on Saturday (beef burgers, steak, and ribs, but no pork). And
} God said, "it is not good for humus to be alone, we will create
} crisps/chips to dip in it". And he did so.
}
} When God had finished decorating the world, he rested, put his feet up,
} and switched over to QVC for some bargains.
} -----
}
} The Eggs of Dross
}
} When the Israelites were in slavery in Egypt, a man called Moses arose
} and went to the Pharoah, "Give us your jewellery, and let my people be
} in Vogue", for he foresaw that by walking through the Red Sea in their
} finery, the Israelites would be the most fashionable thing to come out
} of Egypt since Cleopatra.
} But Pharoah refused, and God brought Ten Bagels upon Egypt, which
} crushed everyone, but landed perfectly around the pyramids. And God
} scored 50 points in celestial quoits.
} -----
}
} Basically the rest of the Old Testament is full of genealogies (and
} baguettes), kings (but no Princes, because they changed their names to
} a squiggle and confused scholars), and prophets (and losses).
} -----
}
} What the newt, Esther, meant to say before she was so rudely
} interrupted:
}
} And lo, three or four wise men came from the East (their wives had
} stayed at home: "Yes dear, you go off and have a lovely time with your
} friends. Don't worry about me with all the cooking, ironing, and
} looking after the kids, it'll all magically do itself. Don't stay out
} too late, and don't go talking to strange Tetrachs.")
}
} They followed the Arizona Daily Star, and discovered that they should
} be heading for Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. When they arrived, they found
} Seamus, winner of the cutest baby competition, 4BC, and honoured him.
}
} The rest is mostly full of the teachings of someone less popular than
} the Beatles, and with fewer followers (at that point, anyway).
} -----
}
} Oh, and some letters from a man named Psaul. Most people go on holiday
} to places they've never been and write back home to complain that the
} foreigners do everything differently and weirdly. Psaul stayed at home
} and wrote to people in distant towns and told them how to do things
} properly.
} -----
}
} The Revolution of St John the Divan:
} You should always turn your mattresses four times a year to reduce wear
} and tear.
} -----
}
} Here endeth the lesson.
}
} You owe the Oracle a version that works in Hebrew and Greek.


1520-05    (13934 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As you have already noticed, my father is Professor Gilbert Z.
> Bonknoodle, Chairman of the Applied Random Ballistics department here
> at State U. I'm a TA, and will be getting my PhD next year, if all goes
> well. The department has had great fun in obtaining grants for the
> study of throwing spitballs at each other. This is not out of the
> ordinary in academia, as grant money is generally easy to obtain if you
> (1) apply early and audaciously, (2) publish frequently in journals run
> by fellow spitballers, and (3) spend all the money in the grant so
> you'll need more.
>
> Unfortunately our State Government has been taken over by fiscal
> conservatives, and they are planning an audit of the University. We
> need some plans for misdirection so that we can hide the past year's
> expenses (as well as next year's) under plausible-sounding names. We'll
> still just be lobbing spitballs at each other, but need words that
> sound really esoteric and high-tech.
>
> Please advise.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear soon-to-be Dr Bonknoodle,
}
} You seem not to have understood academia too well if:
}
} a) you think that the dynamics of spit-balls is more likely to arose
} the ire of the auditors than:
} "The Role of Auditory Cues in Modulating the Perceived Crispness and
} Staleness of Potato Chips"
} "Spontaneous Knotting of an Agitated String"
} "Swearing as a Response to Pain"
} which have all won an Ig-Nobel Prize.
}
} b) you have not learned that almost anything can be hidden under the
} headings of Administration, Allowable Expenses, Consumables, and
} Entertainment.
}
} That said, possible research project and paper titles are as follows:
}
} "Investigation of the cultural differences between cricket and
} baseball, and their relation to the English sense of fair-play and the
} American sense of entitlement" (Spit-balls are somewhat legal in
} cricket.)
}
} "Experimental verification of the effect of sub-mandibular salivary
} gland excreta on inert missile trajectories"
}
} "Dynamics of masticated paper projectiles as launched through
} polypropylene tubes"
}
} "Academic rivalry and the mitigation of its effects using childish
} past-times"
}
} "Validation of simulations of multi-phase projectiles in gaseous media"
}
} You owe the Oracle a citation/grovel in your doctoral thesis: "I also
} thank the mighty Internet Oracle, whose conference proceedings I am not
} worthy to review, and whose sabbaticals to Hawaii I am not worthy to
} interrupt with requests to read drafts of my thesis."
}
} You also owe this incarnation of the Oracle a question which he can
} answer more from humour than from cynicism born from academic
} experience.


1520-06    (06932 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've always been a great fan of basketball star Dave Bing, now mayor of
> Detroit. I especially enjoy the joke about him and his backcourt
> partner, Jimmy Walker, how it was a shame they could only play the game
> with one ball at a time.
>
> In his honor I propose a new sport, bingball, which is just like
> basketball, except there are TWO BASKETBALLS in play all the time.
>
> Clearly a set of rules is needed, especially how to deal with the
> situation where the two balls collide with each other in mid-air.
>
> Your duty or pleasure is to provide me a set of rules for bingball, or
> at least a substantial outline for them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the mid-1990s when the Women's National Basketball Association
} (WNBA) was formed, the organizers briefly considered this very
} idea for adoption into their rules.  The concept was to demonstrate
} the immense dexterity displayed by WNBA athletes versus their
} gargantuan male counterparts.  The consultant they hired proposed
} as a marketing slogan, "It Takes Two Balls To Play In Our League".
} Fortunately, wiser minds prevailed and the idea was scrapped.
}
} Yes.  Oh yes.  I went there.  You were expecting a serious analysis
} of your intriguing idea?  Two chances of that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gift certificate to the Fat and Slim store.


1520-07    (23654 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um, hello.  Is this thing on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WTF, MAN!
}
} Although I, as the Oracle, can answer everything that I want to
} answer, there are some things that I have absolutely no interest in
} knowing.  Whether you have managed to put your condom correctly in
} place definitely falls into that category.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to unsee that.


1520-08    (75332 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...water...
>
> Or, um, any beverage will do, I guess.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.


1520-09    (14a41 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am not worthy!
>
> What's the best way to compliment her?  Or complement her, I guess.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You could try the complex conjugate. If she's F, then you can simply be
} F*.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to make hoi polloi understand math jokes. And
} Greek, too. Never hurts to force people to learn Greek.


1520-10    (32744 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Perfunctory answers? Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because.


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