} From the script writers for Samson, the greatest ever comedian (he
} brought the house down), we bring you the ultimate guide to the Bible,
} from Genius to Revolution.
} In the beginning, the world was gormless and devoid of all sense. Then
} God said, "Let there be tripe", and there was tripe. And everyone said,
} "this is offally good, what is it?" And God saw that it was food.
} And God created humus in his own brand-image, just in time for the
} barbecue on Saturday (beef burgers, steak, and ribs, but no pork). And
} God said, "it is not good for humus to be alone, we will create
} crisps/chips to dip in it". And he did so.
} When God had finished decorating the world, he rested, put his feet up,
} and switched over to QVC for some bargains.
} The Eggs of Dross
} When the Israelites were in slavery in Egypt, a man called Moses arose
} and went to the Pharoah, "Give us your jewellery, and let my people be
} in Vogue", for he foresaw that by walking through the Red Sea in their
} finery, the Israelites would be the most fashionable thing to come out
} of Egypt since Cleopatra.
} But Pharoah refused, and God brought Ten Bagels upon Egypt, which
} crushed everyone, but landed perfectly around the pyramids. And God
} scored 50 points in celestial quoits.
} Basically the rest of the Old Testament is full of genealogies (and
} baguettes), kings (but no Princes, because they changed their names to
} a squiggle and confused scholars), and prophets (and losses).
} What the newt, Esther, meant to say before she was so rudely
} And lo, three or four wise men came from the East (their wives had
} stayed at home: "Yes dear, you go off and have a lovely time with your
} friends. Don't worry about me with all the cooking, ironing, and
} looking after the kids, it'll all magically do itself. Don't stay out
} too late, and don't go talking to strange Tetrachs.")
} They followed the Arizona Daily Star, and discovered that they should
} be heading for Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. When they arrived, they found
} Seamus, winner of the cutest baby competition, 4BC, and honoured him.
} The rest is mostly full of the teachings of someone less popular than
} the Beatles, and with fewer followers (at that point, anyway).
} Oh, and some letters from a man named Psaul. Most people go on holiday
} to places they've never been and write back home to complain that the
} foreigners do everything differently and weirdly. Psaul stayed at home
} and wrote to people in distant towns and told them how to do things
} The Revolution of St John the Divan:
} You should always turn your mattresses four times a year to reduce wear
} and tear.
} Here endeth the lesson.
} You owe the Oracle a version that works in Hebrew and Greek.