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Internet Oracularities #1521

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1521, 1521-01, 1521-02, 1521-03, 1521-04, 1521-05, 1521-06, 1521-07, 1521-08, 1521-09, 1521-10


Internet Oracularities #1521    (20 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 2013 15:30:11 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1521
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1521  20 votes 24482 19370 20576 12872 05555 32555 33392 16643 26561 31a42
1521  3.2 mean  3.2   2.8   3.8   3.4   3.5   3.4   3.2   3.1   2.9   3.0


1521-01    (24482 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and outdoorsy,
>
> How do I get from this valley to the peak I see 5000 feet above me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Climate.


1521-02    (19370 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Quick! I got chosen as a replacement Sudnay Shcool teacher for tomorrow
> and I have to do a lesson of the Four Hosemen of the Apoplex. Rev.
> Simth thinks I know it all and I don't. Please tell me whatever I need
> to know. Sorry about my spelling problems. My computer automatically
> messes up proper names ever since my little brother "fixed" it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Four Hosemen of the Apoplex are the mythological being associated
} with internal bleeding.  Each controlled one hose which, as you might
} have guessed, spat out blood.  Pituitary and Ovarian are common Hosemen
} (or Hosewoman, I suppose, if you belong to one of those "progressive"
} Protestant churches), while the other two tend to use different names
} depending upon what region of the body they are called to -- they are
} flexible Hosemen, if you will.
}
} In days of old, the Hosemen were merely Furies-in-training, but thanks
} to the miracle of modern medical science, they are full-fledged
} Hemorrhaging Knights, now.


1521-03    (20576 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm not sure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Voice-over: Wow, that response could lose John the game. Let's see what
} questions and answers we've had so far in this game of  ... TWENTYYYY
} QUESTIONS!
}
} VO: So, John's chosen item is The Internet Oracle. Trudi has twenty
} questions in which to work this out.
}
} Trudi: Animal, vegetable, or mineral?
}
} John: Animal.
}
} VO: Close enough, although technically the Oracle is an omniscient
} being who exists outside time and space and supersedes all human
} conceptions of animal.
}
} Trudi: Land-dwelling or water-dwelling?
}
} John: Land-dwelling.
}
} VO: Again, technically, not true. Although the outward manifestations
} of the Oracle, i.e. the priests, are usually land dwelling, the Oracle
} him/her/itself is obviously neither, existing outside reality as we
} understand it. Also, the Oracle has more than once felt him/her/itself
} to be closer to dolphins. I quote, "Why do these blasted humans keep
} sending me these stupid questions? I wish I only had to listen to
} dolphins' questions. At least they understand quantum mechanics."
}
} Trudi: Bird or mammal?
}
} John: Mammal.
}
} VO: Technically, ...
}
} Producer in VO's ear: Look, if you use the word "technically" one more
} time, you're sacked, right! I've had it up to here with your smart-alec
} comments. This is supposed to be a family quiz-show, not some
} philosophical, pedantic, know-it-all, let's laugh at dumb humanity,
} show.
}
} VO: Inasmuch, ...
}
} PIVOE: That's not much better...
}
} VO: Yes, er..., well, Trudi has of course forgotten insects, but no one
} seems to have spotted that.
}
} Trudi: Human or non-human?
}
} John: Human.
}
} VO: Well, technically...
}
} PIVOE: Last warning...
}
} VO: (losing his temper) Look, it doesn't help that the Oracle is an
} ill-defined concept in the first place, and transcends existence.
} Almost everything you can say about him/her/it is demonstrably false in
} some way. Whose stupid idea was it to give John the Oracle as a subject
} anyway?
}
} PIVOE: Mine! You're fired!
}
} Trudi: Living or dead?
}
} John: Living.
}
} VO: [Sound-effects of smashing glass, and of a microphone being trodden
} upon. Heavily.]
}
} Trudi: Famous or infamous?
}
} John: Famous.
}
} New VO: Unless you count all the people who have been zotted.
}
} Trudi: Best known for being clever or stupid?
}
} John: Clever.
}
} NVO: Some have said too clever by half, but never mind.
}
} Trudi: Intellectual or politician?
}
} John: Intellectual.
}
} NVO: Trudi just wasted a question there...
}
} Trudi: Is this person a scientist?
}
} John: Er, yes.
}
} NVO: The Oracle of course was present when Archimedes went looking for
} a towel, when Isaac Newton looked up and said, "that's odd, I could
} have sworn this was a pear tree", and when Einstein approved the patent
} for the paperclip and got fired.
}
} Trudi: Does this person communicate only using a computer?
}
} John: Yes!
}
} Trudi: Is is Stephen Hawking?
}
} John: No.
}
} Trudi: Does this person know anything about marmots?
}
} John: Err... [stuttering and starting to panic]
}
} NVO: The Oracle has famously never answered a single question about
} marmots, leading some to believe that he/she/it has a blind-spot about
} them.
}
} John: ... I'm not sure.
}
} NVO: And Trudi looks as though she knows the answer...
}
} Trudi: Is it the Internet Oracle?
}
} [ Klaxon sound effects and flashing lights. ]
}
} Host: And we have a winner! Trudi goes through to the next round of
} "Twenty Questions". John, you get this cuddly toy.
}
} [ Closing music ]
}
} You owe the Oracle some certainty in life.


1521-04    (12872 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was thinking about the Carbon Tax, and wondering if it goes far
> enough.  There about 91 other chemical elements, and some of them
> also could be taxed because they are dangerous to Mother Earth. I was
> thinking especially about the very reactive ones like Flourine which
> is in flourocarbons and toothpaste. I don't think it is in flour not
> yet anyway.  But I'm sure it is in flourscent bulbs.
>
> And Chlorine which is added to our water to poison us. The Government
> should do something. Don't forget to apply the Carbon Tax to
> diamonds. I heard they are made of Carbon, too, as funny as it seems
> they are not black. And a Uranium Tax it will get the nukes. And a
> Hydrogen tax for the H-Bomb nukes. Also there is Hydrogen in Methane
> Which is another Geenhouse Gas, or so I heard.
>
> What other things can we do to Save Mother Earth from the Elements?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly, we could put a tax on the following as well:
}
} Oxygen: although only people who are a waste of oxygen should be
} charged.
}
} Bore-on: Taxing people who won't shut up at dinner parties would
} be good, although given the oxygen tax, this could be construed as
} double taxation.
}
} Krypton: Would help divert Lex Luthor's funds into good causes.
}
} Livermorium: Yes, taxing Hannibal Lecter for taking a second helping
} would be a good idea.
}
} Manganese: just use magnesium instead - they sound pretty much the
} same, right?
}
} Arsenic: Taxing those who pinch bottoms is definitely a good idea.
}
} Silicon: Best known for its use in celebrities. Definitely worth
} taxing.
}
} Antimony: Perfect description of a tax. Let's tax tax!
}
} Tungsten: What is with those people who have tounge-studs? They should
} be stopped. With tacks. Or tax. One of those.
}
} But, we certainly can't tax everything. Taxing the following would
} be a bad idea:
}
} Helium: Would you really want the price of party balloons and squeaky
} voices to go up?
}
} Suplhur: Mostly used by Satan, and if we're taxing people for the
} use of oxygen, he's going to need the suplhur. We don't want Hell
} freezing  over, do we?
}
} Nickel: taxing money itself for simply existing would be interesting.
} Actually, we could call it inflation and no one would notice...
}
} Palladium: Why would you want to tax a theatre in London?
}
} Aluminium: What would the British and Americans have left to argue
} about if it weren't for the aluminium/aluminum disagreement?
}
} You owe the Oracle a breakdown of the human body into elements,
} and how much the average human should be charged for existing.


1521-05    (05555 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm supposed to do homework that has something to do with imaginary
> numbers, but I lost the assignment. Do you think if I just pretend
> that I have the real numbers, even though I lost them, that it'll be
> imaginary enough?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a complex issue. Imaginary numbers are just as real as real
} numbers. Maybe this means that real numbers are imaginary, or maybe
} it means imaginary numbers are real.
}
} Mathematicians seem to do that a lot. Natural numbers are not natural.
} Rational numbers are not rational. Irrational numbers are not even
} irrational. In the 1960's, the Beatles (and others) were into
} transcendental meditation, but transcendental numbers never
} meditate.
}
} Topology works exactly the same on the bottom as it does on the top.
} Non-Euclidean geometry isn't geometry at all. The elliptization
} conjecture of a finite fundamental trivial group is NOT fundamental.
} Not trivial either, now that I think of it.
}
} You can't serve formal dinner on a multiplication table. Square numbers
} come in almost every shape but square. Oh, yeah. Round numbers
} aren't round, either, and ballpark numbers almost never have anything
} to do with baseball, which is astonishing because baseball is all about
} numbers.
}
} It just goes on and on. Perfect numbers have oh so many tiny flaws.
} They can't even decide if null sets are sets or not. Cubic manifolds
} are neither cubic nor manifolds. Conjugacy classes are not conjugal
} and have no class at all. Distributive properties distribute nothing
} and commutative properties just stay where they are, no matter how good
} the commuter trains are. New math is no longer new.
}
} The scarecrow was wrong when he said, "The sum of the square roots
} of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root
} of the remaining side. Oh, joy.! I've got a brain." Indeed.
}
} But as for homework, you're on your own. The Oracle homework
} service is not a homework service.
}
} You owe your teacher a thorough and detailed essay on the
} immorality of improper fractions.


1521-06    (32555 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Citation needed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ibid.


1521-07    (33392 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you give me some good satire?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course. High quality supplicants such as yourself are few and
} far between. Your groveling surpasses the most sincere, and your
} question is outstanding. I am pleased and honored to provide
} you with as much satire as your heart desires.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sign that says "KICK ME" taped on
} your back.


1521-08    (16643 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Marvelous Oracle, whose hair shines brightly even when I cannot see it,
> please help me with my difficult husband. He eats beans. He eats two or
> three large tins of baked beans every day, with the inevitable result.
>
> I hate baked beans, and need some suggestion of what I should eat in
> revenge. Is there a cabbage strong enough to counter the beans?
>
> In his favour, I must say that we both enjoy watching and re-watching
> the video of Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles. I especially like Mel's
> portrayal of an American Indian (with red, white and blue warpaint) who
> speaks Yiddish. My grandmother spoke Yiddish, and my mother knows a
> little bit of it.
>
> That brings me to an additional part of my complaint about my husband.
> My mother smokes, and I dare not invite her over, for fear of a methane
> gas explosion that will wreck our house. Maybe there's something I
> could add to the beans that would result in emission of neon or argon
> instead of methane. You would know. You paid attention in
> Chemistry-for-Oracles class. My class was Chemistry-for-Poets, and I
> never learned the stuff at all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To my supplicant O most sincere:
} Your husband's smelly old rear,
} Is causing concern,
} And gives you a turn,
} When you think "Might my mother appear?"
}
} This answer is written in verse,
} (It's bad, but it could be much worse),
} You wanted to quench,
} That horrible stench,
} Which fails to ever disperse.
}
} In order to keep things most quiet,
} You should add to your husband's main diet,
} On bean-eating days,
} Alpha galactosidase,
} Go on, I think you should try it.
}
} O supplicant, this ain't a hoax,
} The Oracle never does jokes,
} When your mother comes round,
} I'll bet you a pound,
} That your house won't explode when she smokes.
}
} You owe the Oracle the syllabus for "Nuclear Physics for Crime
} Writers".


1521-09    (26561 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do we have capital cities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} because otherwise our cities would look like this
}
} you owe the oracle the works of e e cummings


1521-10    (31a42 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the Doctor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Doc!
} Who's the old timelord dick
} With a time machine for all the tricks?
}   Doc!
} You're damn right!
} Who is the man
} That would risk his neck for the human man?
}   Doc!
} Can ya dig it?
} Who's the cat that won't shoot out
} When there's danger all about
}   Doc!
} Right on
} You see this Doctor is a bad mother
}  -- Shut your mouth --
} But I'm talking about him
}   Then we can dig it.
} He's an extraterrestial
} Who no one understands him but his companion
}   The Doc!


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