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Internet Oracularities #1522

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1522, 1522-01, 1522-02, 1522-03, 1522-04, 1522-05, 1522-06, 1522-07, 1522-08, 1522-09, 1522-10


Internet Oracularities #1522    (19 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2013 09:46:22 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1522
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1522  19 votes 25651 15733 05a31 36910 25732 14473 0b512 01468 14a31 16462
1522  3.1 mean  2.9   3.1   3.0   2.4   2.9   3.4   2.7   4.1   2.9   3.1


1522-01    (25651 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most well-informed, who gets each and every up-date
> up-wards of three days before the date, and who has patches
> on everything it owns, please tell your most retarded servant:
>
> - when did the swirling donut replace the hourglass,
>   and how many times faster is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The swirling donut is beyond temporality. Ask not concerning these
} unknowable mysteries for which thy stout brain is as yet un-upgraded to
} receive.
} The donut knows all. The donut is all. o donut, donut, donut.....cute
} little donuty pal! kiss it! O kiss it, kiss it!......KISS THE GODDAMN
} DONUT YE GOYISHER DOG
} OR I'll HAVE YE KEELHAULED! AAAAR! STRIKE YER COLORS, YE BLOOMIN'
} COCKROACHES! AAARRRR! THIS BE MY BLUE DONUT NOW, AND. . . . . .
}
} .......We would like to apologize for that oracular utterance. The
} person who wrote it was Harold our Intern. Harold is not a bona fide
} oracle, and hasn't even
} applied for his oracle license yet. However, he does come from a rather
} unsavory background. Both his parents wrote for USA TODAY and have
} Oprah Winfrey on speed dial. So please don't bother to call us as we
} know his answer was terrible and awful and it won't ever happen again,
} and
}
} WE WOULD LIKE TO DENY THAT LAST APOLOGY. HAROLD IS DOING QUITE WELL,
} EVEN AFTER THAT AWFUL ACCIDENT WITH THE CHEEZ-WIZ, AND BESIDES HE
} IS BOUND TO GO THROUGH THIS SORT OF PHASE NOW AND THEN, AND THERE'S
} ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH WRITING FOR USA TODAY. IT IS A FINE
} NEWSPAPER, REPLETE WITH ALL THE TRADITIONS OF SOLID JOURNALISM, A
} VERITABLE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF NEWSPAPERS EVERYWHERE, A SHINING BEACON
} OF JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY, AND ANYWAY WHO DOESN'T LIKE A NICE BIT
} OF....
}
} We would like to deny that last denial. We are perfectly happy here at
} the offices of the Internet Oracle, and so what if we've slept with the
} editor of the "What's Not Hot" column of the Newark Times? I'll bet
} you're no angel either, you B&&&&! You ought to....
}
} *INTERNET CONNECTION TERMINATED*


1522-02    (15733 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie you have to help me. My report on the South Pole is due TODAY an
> I have not finished it. I am suposed to write about what lives there
> and I made a list of polor bares, penquins, seals and wallrusses. My
> mom says there are more rushins at the South Pole than any of those
> other things, and she says she is right but I think she is crazy. She
> also says if I started last week I would be done now boy is she wrong.
>
> Please make me a list of what really lives at the South Pole and send
> it right now. I will reward you by keeping quite about your help so you
> wont get in trouble.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here is a list of things to be found in the Antarctic.
} It has been approved by the Board of Irresponsible People:
}
} Weddell Seals
} Killer Whales
} Rockhopper Penguins
} Black Browed Albatross
} String
} Leopard Seals
} Blue Whales
} Adelie Penguins
} George Hamilton
} Antarctic Shags
} antarctic shagging
} Crabeater Seals
} Krill
} Snow
} Fresh Fruit
} Wandering Albatross
} Antarctic Fur Seals
} people protesting the seals wearing fur
} Emperor Penguin
} more string
} Southern Elephant Seals
} Chinstrap Penguins
} chinstraps
} Ross Seals
} Ross
} Ice
} Very cold winds
} Norwegians
} Slinkies
} sausages
} boxes
} movies starring Brigitte Nielsen
} people who voluntarily rent, then watch movies starring Brigitte
} Nielsen glue
} guns (to be used against the Brigitte Nielsen fans)
} Kool Aid
} A frost-bitten Kermit the Frog hand puppet (don't ask)
} parkas
} more parkas
} Bill Cosby


1522-03    (05a31 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For lack of a better choice of words, gadzooks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For lack?  Your vocabulary needs serious work.  The Oracle is
} benevolent, the Oracle is wise.  Here is a list of words you
} COULD have used:
}
} Zoinks!  Egads!  Whoa!  Wow!  Wowzers!
} Golly!   Gee!  Phew!  Alas!
} Whoopee!  Jeepers!  Golly!
}
} You owe the Oracle the 1968 season of Scooby Doo Where Are You on
} Blu-Ray


1522-04    (36910 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh.  I mean, oh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Almost!  Here's the correct lyrics:
}
} Dumb supplicant got a ZOT!
} I-OW-I-OW-OW!
}
} And that zot caused lots of screams!
} I-OW-I-OW-OW!
}
} With a scream, scream here,
} And a scream, scream there,
} Here a scream, there a scream,
} Everywhere a awful scream!
}
} Dumb supplicant got ZOT!
} I-OW-I-OW-OW!
}
} You owe the Oracle the rest of the verses.


1522-05    (25732 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You've been to Kickstarter, right?  Know any good ones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I always liked the 1972 Kawasaki 750. Fast bike. Faster than a
} speeding Oracle. Did you know that an Oracle on a 750 can
} outrun a cop? I didn't know until I tried it. Kickstart!
} Vrrrrrrroom!


1522-06    (14473 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does that girl sitting across from me think of me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She just asked me, "What does that boy sitting across from me think of
} me?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a wedding invitation.


1522-07    (0b512 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Farris J. Deadbeat here. You'll remember me, right? At 666 Obituary
> Drive, Darkness Falls, Idaho. You came here once to sell me life
> insurance. As if I needed it. Hah! But I bought it anyway, just to
> keep you happy.
>
> Anyway, I've paid too much for that policy, and now need to collect
> something on it. Please send me the full death-benefit value, $6
> million, in solid gold. Where I spend most of my time we only use
> gold. Keep in mind that I value gold at $20 per ounce for this sort
> of transaction. That will be 300,000 troy ounces of gold (9331 kg),
> please, and none of that plated tungsten, either.
>
> You will note that I have invalidated the "return-of-premiums-paid"
> clause on the policy. I've enclosed it under separate cover.
> That cover over there. Lift it and look, if you don't believe me. Be
> careful not to fall in.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, you plumped for our "Never Pay" policy which, if you
} don't make a claim is very worthwhile but, you made a claim, so I'm
} afraid you are phuque-ed.


1522-08    (01468 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need more time. There just isn't enough time in each day. Now I know
> that it's not possible for you to make each day longer, but you could
> make seconds shorter by redefining them and everybody would have more.
> Sort of like how the government prints more money.
>
> You'll be telling me, of course, that they don't actually "print" more
> money, but instead simply make bookkeeping entries via computer that
> give money to banks that lend it out, so that the extra actual value,
> if any, comes from the sweat of the folks who have to repay the loans.
> A kind of slavery.
>
> Well, so what?, I say. YOU occasionally inhabit a computer, so you
> should be able to compute the new seconds, made of what originally were
> hemiseconds. Instead of 86400 seconds in each day we would have 172800
> of them, and could make up for it by working twice as fast!
>
> With everyone working twice as fast, there will be more of everything
> for everybody, and I'll be able to retire, and spend my extra seconds
> on the beach at Cancun, a place you know well, according to Oracularity
> 638-08.
>
> Please either inform me that there are now 172800 seconds in a day, or
> at least give me some hints on how to live at Cancun without getting
> into trouble as happened to you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, supplicant, it's very simple. *Time is money*.
}
} It's strange how people are always *saying* that, but no one ever seems
} to grasp the implications.  Your problem isn't that you need more time;
} it's that time isn't worth as much as it used to be, because of
} inflation.  I'm sure you've noticed how the years pass so much more
} quickly than they did when you were young.  Candy was cheaper then,
} too.  Same phenomenon.
}
} So, sure, I *could* create more time, but I'd also be creating more
} money, and that would only lead to further inflation.  Eventually,
} things could spiral out of control in a classic hyperinflation
} scenario--like in Germany in 1924, when people had to haul wheelbarrows
} full of cash to the grocery store to buy a loaf of bread, and driving
} home afterward could take up to fourteen years.  (And when they got
} home in 1938, you wouldn't *believe* what kind of screwed-up things
} had been going on in the meantime.)  You're asking me to risk a
} full-blown temporospatial macroeconomaly!  I respectfully decline.
}
} What *you* need, supplicant, is to invest your time wisely.  It's the
} inverse of the classic compound-interest gimmick.  What usually happens
} is people invest small amounts of money in an interest-bearing account
} and allow several years to pass, and it becomes a large amount of
} money. This works equally well in reverse: you invest few minutes here
} and there in an interesting pastime, spend a lot of money, and before
} you know it those minutes will have grown into hours, days, or even
} weeks.
}
} Be careful to avoid junk investments, though. I'd hate to see you end
} up on the street panhandling for spare time. "Hey, buddy, got a
} minute?" Sad.
}
} You owe the Oracle the time of day.


1522-09    (14a31 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wh

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...at should I buy the Oracle for Christmas?
}
} Well, I'm glad you asked.
} I could use a new woodchuck-skin rug, or maybe a new Zot stick.  I'm
} getting old, and all of my worldly possessions seem to be wearing thin.
}
} Of course, I also accept cash. You can paypal the funds directly to my
} oracle email address!


1522-10    (16462 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No, no, no! I spelled Thrusday wrong again, and wrote Thrudsay
> instead. No wonder we didn't meet for dinner, because I was somewhen
> else. Oh well, probabably all for the best. It was going to be my
> mom's leftover spaghetti as I pretended we were in Roam or somwhere.
>
> This time YOU suggest the time and place. And the menu, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, this is precisely why we have never been able to organize the
} Misspelling Bee.


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