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Internet Oracularities #1524

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1524, 1524-01, 1524-02, 1524-03, 1524-04, 1524-05, 1524-06, 1524-07, 1524-08, 1524-09, 1524-10


Internet Oracularities #1524    (15 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2013 07:22:27 -0500 (EST)

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participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or
http://www.internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of
Stephen B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1524
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1524  15 votes 43521 34341 12831 03624 23415 04551 24360 02418 23820 25341
1524  3.1 mean  2.5   2.7   3.1   3.5   3.3   3.2   2.9   4.0   2.7   2.8


1524-01    (43521 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well!  I'm satisfied...for now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No problem, mate. Just leave bucket, rope and handle the way that you
} found them.


1524-02    (34341 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I the only one submitting tellme's?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Am I the only one submitting askme's?


1524-03    (12831 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Come, let us reason together.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, no. The guitar bit is good but the lyrics just don't work. Try
} "come together"
}
} Once more, from the top. Oh, and tell Billy to bring me my shears.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hidden message about my death in the lyrics.


1524-04    (03624 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The bunny rabbits is coming!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Century XXI, Quarto .5
}
} Bugs and his legion he approaches from behind,
} With bright orange veggie he asketh the Doctor what is up.
} With spear and magic helmet the other makes his move
} Though you will have to be vewy quiet.
}
} The Oracle hath spokeneth.
}
} BALANCE DUE: $59.95 or a pot of hasenpfeffer.


1524-05    (23415 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Presumptably because of your astoundingly good abilities at
> mind-reading and other flim-flammery I've seen you produce
> exquisite answers to the null question.
>
> What sort of exquisite question would produce a null answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Almost this!


1524-06    (04551 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dig it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd rather not. Are there any other funeral parlors around?


1524-07    (24360 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What this: dye?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it's a colon, so you can stop wasting your time trying to color
} Easter eggs with it.


1524-08    (02418 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did it work right this time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's look back at plan and the results, shall we?
}
} Step  1: Visitor presses button for doorbell.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  2: Doorbell wakes sleeping dog.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  3: Dog barks and pulls on leash trying to get to door.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  4: Leash pull opens crate with angry cat inside.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  5: Angry cat exits cage and distracts dog from door.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  6: Angry cat bolts from room and dog pulls even harder on leash.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  7: Crate, now without cat, is lighter and is pulled off of table
}          by dog leash.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  8: Crate no longer blocks bowling ball, which rolls off table.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step  9: Bowling ball lands in dog water bowl.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 10: Splashed water starts electrical fire in carefully positioned
}          toaster.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 11: Fire burns through rope holding suspended piano.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 12: Falling piano creates breeze to knock over house of cards.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 13: Collapsed house of cards covers vent on projector.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 14: Projector bulb overheats and blows.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 15: Projector no longer shines on porch ambient light sensor.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 16: Porch light turns on.
} Results: Success.
}
} Step 17: Porch light illuminates visitor on doorstep.
} Results: Failure.
}
} Analysis of failure:
} It seems the rope used in step 11 takes quite a while to burn, so the
} postman gave up waiting and just left the box next to the doorstep.
}
} Additional sub-failure: the piano has crushed your delivery.
}
} You owe the Oracle a very straight-forward way to pay my internet bill.


1524-09    (23820 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the Riddle Troll claim to be Christian?  He is NOT.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a standard complaint. Many Baptists say that Mormons are not
} Christian. Many Christians say that Muslims are not Christian, and they
} are probably right. Many Muslims say that Christians and Jews are
} really Muslims, but are ignorant or confused. Many religious people of
} many persuasions do not believe in the Internet Oracle, in spite of the
} evidence. Religion is quite a big mess.
}
} How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Hint: Three,
} but they're really one.
}
} Oops, the hint was the entire answer.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Lions and their light bulbs. Add a Kiwanis if
} you want, too.


1524-10    (25341 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Jim Jones was totally evil, as evil as Darth Vader.=A0Given=A0his
> ability t= o dupe=A0his followers, he must have been quite a gifted
> actor and=20 speaker.=A0The name "Jim" is also short for "James", and
> the People's=20 Temple consisted mostly of African Americans. One can't
> help but notice=20 all these pieces of data=A0tend to point to one
> conclusion, which raises=20 the question: contrary to the popular
> account, did Jim Jones survive the tr= agedy at Jonestown, re-enter the
> United States, and re-invent himself as an=
>  actor=A0with the assumed identity "James Earl Jones"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He went on to greater evils, like creating quoted-printable.


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