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Internet Oracularities #1525

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1525, 1525-01, 1525-02, 1525-03, 1525-04, 1525-05, 1525-06, 1525-07, 1525-08, 1525-09, 1525-10


Internet Oracularities #1525    (18 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 10 Jan 2014 09:56:02 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1525
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1525  18 votes 12933 23472 17820 48420 46431 31356 34731 13851 11934 13554
1525  3.0 mean  3.3   3.2   2.6   2.2   2.5   3.6   2.7   3.1   3.4   3.4


1525-01    (12933 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where DOES a bear shift, then.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the gear box in the woods.


1525-02    (23472 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Me!  Me!!  ME!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: Maine Tourism Board,
} Re: Your request for an opinion on proposed new marketing tag line
}
} Uh, no.  Just no.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} The Internet Oracle
}
} You owe the Oracle lobster. And melted butter. And a lemon. Ooh! And
} some oysters! And some asparagus...


1525-03    (17820 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Honestly, some people can't take a joke.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and other people take it, and then return it over and over:
}
} "So there's this minister and a priest and a rabbi, ... ummm, stop me
} if you've heard this one..."
}
} "Harry, I TOLD you that joke, THREE YEARS AGO."
}
} "Well, so they walk into a bar, and the bartender says, ..."


1525-04    (48420 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ha!  I thought so.  (Before, I only guessed.)  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're welcome, but I suggest you looking
} RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
} Just in case.
} You owe the Oracle a Clue board game.


1525-05    (46431 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I owe tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy?
> I owe tidings of comfort and joy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. You owe the Oracle a case of cognac. Preferably Hennessy VVSOP.


1525-06    (31356 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just got a new computer (again). I need to test my email. Is there a
> server somewhere that I can send something and get a response back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, there is not.  Your email is clearly not working.


1525-07    (34731 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I get some really weird stuff sometimes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} YOU get weird stuff? Try being an Oracle. My stuff is
} weirder and more copious and voluminous and
} numerous and extensive and massive, not to mention
} more bizarre and freakisher and curiouser and more
} outlandish than your stuff. Let's not make this into a
} contest, OK? You don't want to retreat with your tail
} between your legs.
}
} Sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle some ordinary stuff.


1525-08    (13851 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you resolve for 2014?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As always, my high-resolution Oracular Timepiece resolves to
} femtoseconds. You (on the other hand) will be lucky to know the month
} of the year.
}
} You owe the Oracle a month of Sundays.


1525-09    (11934 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Alcohol, Tobacco, or Firearms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll take firearms.  Then it should be pretty easy finding someone who
} will give me the other two afterwards.


1525-10    (13554 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Spiffy Oracle, please answer my humble little question.
>
> With the current cold spell, most of the eastern US currently has
> temperatures that are colder than the surface of Mars.
> So, please tell me, what does Mars have?
>
> -Concerned

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mars has enough booze to keep an Egyptian sun god happy.
}
} Contrary to popular belief, most of the planet Earth is currently
} colder than the surface of Mars. This is because the Conference for
} Unusual Entities is currently occurring there, and Ra was kind enough
} to heat the otherwise deserted planet up a bit.
}
} As you can imagine, a sun god can't work in two places at once, so he
} had to temporarily leave Earth's heating needs in the hands of the
} Aztec sun god, Tonatiuh.
}
} Unfortunately for the eastern United States, Tonatiuh is currently
} upset that he isn't receiving as many human sacrifices as the last time
} he was doing the job, and is refusing to heat the eastern portion of
} the northern American continent as a result.
}
} Though he is fully aware of the situation, Ra fully intends to enjoy
} his month-long vacation. Negotiations between the Conference for
} Unusual Entities and Tonatiuh seem favorable for Earth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hand-knit sweater and a tub of Red Vines.


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