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Internet Oracularities #1526

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1526, 1526-01, 1526-02, 1526-03, 1526-04, 1526-05, 1526-06, 1526-07, 1526-08, 1526-09, 1526-10


Internet Oracularities #1526    (21 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 21 Jan 2014 07:57:41 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1526
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1526  21 votes 12a62 67710 44940 134c1 24951 16752 16851 21765 68430 11586
1526  3.0 mean  3.3   2.1   2.6   3.4   3.0   3.0   3.0   3.5   2.2   3.8


1526-01    (12a62 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great, mighty, wise, funny and all around awesome Oracle, why does
> the RNG (Random Number Goddess) hate me so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 0


1526-02    (67710 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Irregular drab pebbles for your driveway.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You call that a raise?  That's no raise.
}
} Strike!
}
} You owe the Oracle a living wage.


1526-03    (44940 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On a scale of 1-10, what was that about?  And don't tell me 6.5
> without some sort of explanation, because that's way too round to
> be believable.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fine.  It was 4, okay?  A perfect square.
}
} You owe the Oracle a snide remark.


1526-04    (134c1 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some of your incarnations need to know that statements have the same
> rights as questions on here.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is that so?


1526-05    (24951 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Orrie you are good at these things nobody knows. I want to contract
> the Spirit World, like with a Weegee Board or something. My dad says I
> should go and see Madam Bologna at the seaside fair. He's so wrong.
> That's where they have those games where you can never win the big
> prize. My dad doesn't understand.
>
> He also thinks I should go and investigate why some people pronounce
> BO-LOG-NA as baloney. How stupid does he think I am? I'm always falling
> for his tricks. Not this time!
>
> Anyway, I want the Spirit World People to get in touch with my Dad's
> Grammaw Hawkins, so I can find out if she REALLY told him I was going
> to be a idiot. I am not and she was wrong, I think, anyways, but I need
> to be sure. I never really met her she died when I was two. My Dad also
> says some guy named Glendower can call spirits from the vasty deep. And
> he says another guy named Hotspur says sure you can but it won't work.
> My Dad is the idiot, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't consider it idiocy, as you thought to ask.  However, your
} terminology is wrong.
}
} What you really need is a squeegee board.  The spirit world is on the
} other side of that window - no, the one behind you - and it's quite
} dirty.  You should probably get some window cleaner before using the
} board, in fact.
}
} You owe the Oracle some spirit gum; they just visited, and the
} halitosis is killer.


1526-06    (16752 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, how are things with you and Lisa these days?  I rarely see her
> around anymore.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She left me for the woodchuck, Chuck Wood. I am constantly haunted with
} the images of how much wood she and Chuck are chucking every night.
}
} It's been millennia, but thanks for bringing up such a sore subject. :(
} You owe the Oracle a date.


1526-07    (16851 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and all-knowing oracle, with awareness that spans geologic eras:
> Several years ago, I met the world's current most unlucky teenager (he
> totaled the new jeep his dad bought him by hitting an unmarked police
> car the day after he got his license, with his whole high school
> watching, specifically including his girlfriend). This lead me to
> wonder: who was the most unlucky teenager in history? Ganymede?
> Oedipus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It were me own dad.
}
} Every youngster thinks he knows everything, and my young Dad thought
} that, too. Then when he was a precocious 16 years old I appeared,
} and I REALLY DID know everything. "Will you please shut the hell
} up," he would exclaim to me, his infant son, "I do not NEED to
} know the square root of infinity!" "But Dad," I would tell him,
} "you probably didn't know that Gallium Arsenide would make a good IR
} LED, once someone invents the LED.  You really need to know that. And
} Napoleon's mistake, soon to happen eventually, will be replicated by
} Hitler, namely invading Russia."
}
} The poor guy was so unlucky. And so young. I don't think he knew where
} baby Oracles came from, but he sure found out fast. No eternal nine
} months for me! Bamf! and there I was, just like that.
}
} Now you know. I'll also reveal to you that you shouldn't drink silver
} cyanide, just in case you didn't know that already.  My mind continues
} to overflow with knowledge. Six times eight is forty-eight. The
} unladen swallow ...
}
} Oh, all right, I'll shut up. For now.


1526-08    (21765 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That was...odd.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Add one to it. That's how I get even.


1526-09    (68430 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He's at it again?  Because by now, it's no longer the penultimate
> entry, but the
> anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-penultimate entry.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "But" is the correct assessment, only it's spelled butt.


1526-10    (11586 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Know any good shaggy dog stories?  Or shaggy god stories?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, as a matter of fact I do!
}
} So this one day Balder the Beautiful was combing his hair. Yeah, I
} know: shocker! I mean, you know Balder! Blonde, long haired, pretty
} much useless if not for his kick-ass combat abilities and his complete
} invulnerability to everything except mistletoe. I mean, what's that
} about? Who has a vulnerability to mistletoe, right? Well, Balder
} figured that it was so out there in left field that only a real
} switch-hitter would nail the mistletoe thing.
}
} Yeah, right. He forgot all about Loki! I mean, we ALL forgot about
} Loki! When he lost that bet with the Niebelungs and got his mouth sewn
} shut we figured he wouldn't dare show his face in Valhalla for
} thousands of years! I mean, Odin requires all his guests to laugh
} REALLY loud while they're partying, and it's a little bit difficult to
} laugh out loud with your lips sewn together, you know what I mean? Of
} course you do!
}
} So anyway, we're all SMASHED out of our minds on some real primo mead
} that Heimdall brought along. I think he brought about ten thousand
} barrels of the stuff. Really kickass stuff. So, we're all drunk. Odin's
} in the back bedroom getting a lapdance from one of the Valkyrie. Next
} thing you know, there's Loki. No stitches. Mouth operational. Thor was
} passed out or he would have smashed his face in. He hates Loki,
} especially since Loki drew that picture on the side of the mountain of
} Thor dressed as Ballerina Barbie.
}
} So anyway, Loki starts making these loud boasts about how all the gods
} of Asgard are totally invulnerable except Balder, who he says is just
} pretty and that's about it, right? Well, Balder gets pissed. Odin comes
} out, Thor wakes up. It's really intense. Like, I mean Clint Eastwood
} spaghetti western kind of intense, right? So anyway, Odin says, "All
} right, let's have a 'Throw Things At Balder' contest!"
}
} Of course, he probably should have said, "Let's* take turns* throwing
} things at Balder," because the next thing you know, every stick of
} furniture in the drinking hall, every joint of mutton in Valhalla,
} fruit, dwarves, pots and pans and drinking horns and a couple of Volvos
} go flying right at Balder. Well, we managed to get the place cleaned
} up, and Odin says, "All right, let's try that again, you momos!"
}
} So we all took turns. It was kind of predictable. Thor throws his
} hammer, Tyr didn't throw anything because that giant wolf ate his right
} hand, Freya threw an implant, Sif threw some hair care products, etc.
} Well, everyone took their turn and Balder stood there, unscathed,
} right? Well, we forgot about Hodr, the Blind God. Loki says to him,
} "Don't worry! I'll point your hands in the right direction, and let's
} throw.....um.....this branch!"
}
} Yeah.....that vulnerability to everything except mistletoe? I mean who
} knew, right? If I had a chance to be invulnerable to everything except
} one thing, I'd probably choose mistletoe, too! How often do you even
} see that stuff except at Christmas, and then it's usually made from
} plastic, right? So Balder probably figured, "Hey! Christmas was months
} ago! I'm cool!"
}
} Yeah, so the mistletoe pierced his chest. He yelled. A lot. He rolled
} around in pain for quite a while. Then he died, of course. But let me
} tell ya: Not one hair out of place! Now that was a shaggy god!


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