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Internet Oracularities #1527

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1527, 1527-01, 1527-02, 1527-03, 1527-04, 1527-05, 1527-06, 1527-07, 1527-08, 1527-09, 1527-10


Internet Oracularities #1527    (16 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 2014 08:28:30 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1527
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1527  16 votes 22651 16342 24541 33451 02761 03652 42271 13345 12265 24271
1527  3.2 mean  3.1   3.0   2.9   2.9   3.4   3.4   2.9   3.6   3.8   3.1


1527-01    (22651 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I can't figure out what kind of food I can eat. Here's the score:
> Meat - can't have it, for reasons every veggie understands.
> Vegetables - not enough protein. Beans cause farts. Missing B12 or
>   something.
> Rocks - wear down the teeth. Somewhat un-nutritious.
> Water - contains bugs, which are animals. See meat, above.
>
> There is nothing I can eat. Except maybe my own toenail trimmings and
> possibly my hair. What would YOU do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are some things you haven't considered:
}
} Air: if you get it cold enough, it's even crunchier than potato chips.
}
} Clocks: these flavorful machines act as a homeopathic tick repellant.
}
} Crumb Cake: does not taste good, but is bad for you, so that's,
} you know, ideal.
}
} Your Heart: you'll like it!  Why?  Because it's bitter -- AND because
} it's your heart!
}
} You owe the Oracle a red badge of porridge.


1527-02    (16342 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is there a Porky Pig, but no Muttony Sheep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry you never met him. He was delicious.
}
} You owe the Oracle several more tasteful intersections of French and
} English. (Observe that the French, on turning left at these
} intersections, as they invariably do, proceed down the road on the
} right-hand side, meeting the proper English drivers head-on, and
} resulting in the raw material for what some euphemistically call "long
} pork." The questionable French influence on England continues long
} after 1066 and all that.)


1527-03    (24541 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you be indoctrinated into atheism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've never been to North Korea, have you?


1527-04    (33451 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He's bluffing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You bet he is!


1527-05    (02761 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, please tellme what really caused the distinction of the
> dinosaurs.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well it was like this: Brontosaurus started wearing power ties because
} his wife said they brought out more of his predatory side. Then T-Rex
} got jealous because he also wore one, except his was a light yellow
} with black polka dots and Bronto's was navy with white dots. Next thing
} you know Triceratops is showing up to work with a blood red silk
} paisley, which looked good on him but T-Rex felt was in bad taste.
} Personally, I think the height of fashion was Dimetrodon with that
} purple and silver check pattern. Really enhanced the primal nature of
} his dorsal ridge.


1527-06    (03652 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, wow! A mathematical puzzle. The unstated implication is that zero
} is nothing. This is an error, of course, because the number zero is
} something. One view is that it represents, in counting, the condition
} of having none of the item being counted.
}
} The most interesting aspect of zero is in constructing fractions. If we
} attempt to create a fraction out of parts that are each zero in size or
} extent, and then to enumerate them, we find the number of them too
} large to comprehend. To wiggle out of the difficulty we suggest that
} division by zero yields something called infinity.
}
} Your Oracle himself encounters the Problem of Infinity daily, as it is
} required by his omniscience.
}
} You owe the Oracle a proof that knowledge about zero is something,
} rather than nothing, all the while addressing that difficulty of that
} knowledge being a fraction of an infinity.


1527-07    (42271 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sometimes the Oracle malfunctions for no reason.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORA-07445: exception encountered: core dump [zot2+0394] [SIGSEGV] }
} [Object not mapped to question] [0xDEADBEEF] [] []


1527-08    (13345 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much do I owe?  Where do I send it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle a video cassette of the Budweiser Christmas
} commercial, a bag of cheetos, a lock for the gate, a blackboard
} with "You can't fool the Oracle" written on it 1000 times, some stuff,
} a broom to clean up your ashes, Monica Lewinsky's phone number,
} a pair of tickets to the Arizona Diamondbacks home opener, a
} swizzle stick, the key to, well, keys to many things, a pair of
} loaded dice, a better  question (several times), a, well, you
} know, an essay on the immorality of improper fractions, an
} eleven foot pole, shoes with spikes, charcoal shoe inserts, a
} large flask of holy water, a T-shirt with [there were a lot
} of these] printed on it, a thesaurus (there were a lot of these,
} too), the reason you [lots], a good excuse [lots and lots],
} nothing (you got off easy several times), a 4.77 MHz 8088-based
} PC with 256 KB extended memory, two 8-inch floppy drives, a 300
} baud acoustic coupler, and a monochrome monitor, a Chevy Astro,
} a compass that points South, a bottle of Drain-o, a true friend,
} a map of Tucson, Arizona, with the town of Oracle highlighted
} with a yellow highlighter, some more stuff, an Olympic silver
} medal, a toboggan, launch codes for the Titan ICBMs, a breeding
} pair of monarch butterfiles, and there's more, more than the
} greatest love the world has known.
}
} You owe apologies to Stephen Wright, Douglas Adams, Judge Judy,
} Jack Benney, Jack Black, Carnac, Walter Cronkite, Henny Youngman,
} Judge Ito, Madonna's biographer, Dana Carvey, Will Rogers, Dick
} Nixon, Chevy Chase, Socrates, your mother, the King, the Queen,
} the Bishop, the Knight, the Rook, Milton Bradley, Jesus,the
} public school system, most US Senators and some Representatives,
} that guy you spit on at the game, over a billion Chinese, the
} Pope (your choose which one), Harvey Wallbanger, Shirley Temple,
} Goldie Hawn, Roseanne Rosannadanna, Norman Vincent Peal, Norman
} Schwartzkoph, Norman Miller, Norman  Mailer, Norman Peterson.
}
} Also to Norman Rockwell, Norman Lear, Tom Lehrer, Tom Cruz,
} Princess Cruises, Princess Diana, Dianna Ross, Doctor Ross,
} Doctor Oz, the Wizard of Oz, the Wizard of Wall Street, Wally
} Bayola, Crayola Burnt Sienna, Sienna Miller, Norman Miller,
} Norman Mailer, and, of course, your Oracle, Lisa, Og, and
} Zadoc.
}
} You owe the Oracle*
}
} * Ibid


1527-09    (12265 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cheese and rice, what was that for!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a euphemism, intended for the moment when you hit your thumb with
} a hammer. Instead of yelling, "Jeeeezzuss Chriiist" (which would be
} blasphemy) you instead yell cheese and rice.
}
} Your next problem is how to overcome the pain in your thumb. The
} solution is to drop the hammer. It falls on your foot. You then ignore
} the blasphemic problem, and not only yell the Name of Our Blessed Lord
} And Saviour, but scream the added information that His middle initial
} is H and that He is engaging in unspeakable acts beginning with the
} letter F.
}
} At this point you are testing the very limits of the concepts of
} Infinite Mercy and of Divine Retribution. Your faith in Cheese and
} Rice, your prior Good Works, and your status as one of The Elect all
} come into play, as the question of Salvation swirls about you as the
} Whirlwind about Job.
}
} If you happen to be Buddhist instead of Christian, your Karma will
} still be messed up, and you'll be headed off into a set of dreadful
} reincarnations that you would be better off not knowing. The world's
} various religions work more closely together than you could ever
} imagine, even when you hear their proponents proclaiming the opposite.
} (Such is the Mystery of religious mystery.)
}
} You owe the Oracle the power to resist telling the joke with the
} punchline, "That was Zen, this is Tao."


1527-10    (24271 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You want me to grovel? Oh, all right I guess.
>
> Ahem.
>
> PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I'll do anything, anything! I'll
> clean your bathrooms, I'll bathe your dog, I'll even walk
> Zadoc! I'll stop flirting with Lisa, just DON'T HURT ME!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've not met my dog.


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