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Internet Oracularities #1528

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1528, 1528-01, 1528-02, 1528-03, 1528-04, 1528-05, 1528-06, 1528-07, 1528-08, 1528-09, 1528-10


Internet Oracularities #1528    (13 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 01 Mar 2014 12:01:15 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1528
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1528  13 votes 04162 12460 14323 02470 11821 02452 02632 02632 04243 13441
1528  3.3 mean  3.5   3.2   3.2   3.4   3.1   3.5   3.4   3.4   3.5   3.1


1528-01    (04162 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do there have to be power outrages at work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They hate you. Expressions of anger are always caused by the person
} who caused the anger, not the angry person. For example if you say,
} "NO I WON'T GIVE YOU MY WALLET!" and that person hits you in anger, you
} caused it by saying no. That's when your lights go out. All your fault.


1528-02    (12460 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The doctors say I have dementia, but you told me I was simply crazy.
> Whom should I believe, a bunch of quacks, or an admittedly
> self-proclaimed know-it-all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, diagnosing and treating mental deceases are unfortunately very
} difficult and time consuming.  But don't worry, I can fix that!
}
} *ZOT*
}
} There you go!  All doctors know how to easily recognize burns, so
} there should be no need to distrust them now!


1528-03    (14323 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In the founding of a new social science, not yet named, which of these
> is more important--the idea of being (1) anticulturally yet
> dendrologically polygamous, or (2) polymorphically substantive, or (3)
> preposteriously and retrovotively latent? These terms, as you are well
> aware, although appearing to be mutually exclusive, are violently and
> subtly interwoven, and result in an intercretaceous and monastically
> bipedestal anthropocentric pseudohippology.
>
> In addition to suggesting (1), (2) or (3), please add to the
> understanding of this growing science with whatever observations you
> can see, not limiting yourself to that which can be directly observed.
> Hidden knowledge is most useful when obscurely presented in broad
> daylight or by divine neglect.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is, like, Sokool.


1528-04    (02470 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ready for another one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No thanks, I still have a good supply left. Could use with some more
} zeroes, however.
}
} You owe the Oracle a qubit drive.


1528-05    (11821 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, Oracle?  The hawks vs. the doves: who wins?  Normally, my money
> is on the hawks, but I'll bet you know better.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question revolves, astonishingly but not unsurprisingly, on the
} meaning of "dove." Some take it to mean pigeon-like symbol of peace.
} Others think it's the past tense of dive. Watch this animated excursion
} into verb forms:
}
} :: drive, drove, driven
} :: dive, dove, divan
} :: live, love, laughen
}
} See what can happen if you get involved sideways into English Grammar?
} What a mess!
}
} The doves are under water. But the hawks are wearing ice skates.
} Disaster looms. Suddenly, out of the sky, the Disaster Loons appear,
} pick up the supplicant, and carry him off.
}
} The Oracle preens his own feathers.


1528-06    (02452 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to be charitable? I have been told (by my parents
> and by my preacher, Rev. Ploofa) that one should simply forgive stupid
> people for their inept lives, telling them calmly and politely,
> "There, there, you poor thing, I understand how miserable you are, but
> it's no fault of yours. Your innate stupidity cannot be overcome by
> mere good intentions, yours or anyone's, but prayer and hard work can
> improve us all." That should at least make them feel better. I've also
> been told I should buy those people a cup of coffee.
>
> Anyway I tried that last week with a couple of homeless guys who asked
> me for spare change. I told them I didn't find any fault with their
> miserable attitude, and even offered to buy them lunch. "Can't drink
> lunch," said one. The other one punched him in the face. I stepped
> between them and told them to end their foolish quarrel. They both
> pushed me over, jumped on me, breaking three ribs, and took all my
> money.
>
> Please suggest a better pathway to charity. One that doesn't hurt so
> much. Right now it only hurts when I breathe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are on the right way, your only mistake was to choose the wrong
} recipients.
}
} You need to find someone in really dire need.  The ones lower than the
} lowliest of the low.  The ones too dirty to live in the worst slums of
} the world.  The ones that causes dung beetles, flies, fleas and lice
} to flee in disgust.
}
} To help you along, I have found a group of individuals just like that!
} Hereby, I declare that you are from now on officially responsible for
} feeding my priests.
}
} You owe them a nice dinner.


1528-07    (02632 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Correct me if I'm wrong, but plagiarism is quoting someone without
> giving proper credit and copyright infringement is using intellectual
> property without permission.  Right?  It's what my dictionary told
> me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Plagiarism is taking the work of P. J. "Bill" Plauger to be your own.
} It was originally Plaugerism, but Bill didn't like that and sued Noah
} Webster, Daniel Webster, and P. M. Roget.
}
} If you copy the right fringe instead of the left fringe, and do it
} correctly, you get copy right fringement.
}
} If you don't like these answers, you owe the Oracle a differently
} fringed question.


1528-08    (02632 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Holy Jumpin' Jesus! Why did you give me a religious answer? I don't
> want to BE SAVED, I want to know how to save my MS WROD file when the
> system says "A file error has occurred." Trusting in God and Jesus
> might make us all feel warm and comfy, but it still loses all my data
> and gets me a zero in my class in Canadian History. I lost the Whole
> Damned Thing, and now what looks like the right file name contains
> a Newfie joke I told my friend Maurice last year. He didn't get it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thy faith is weak if thou doubtest His plan for ye salvation of thine
} computers! If thou truly had faith in Him, thou would do yer best to
} follow His Ten Commandments of File Editing:
}
} 1) Thou shalt have no other editors than WORD (thou hast WROD, which is
}    Satan's tool to fool ye unbelievers)
} 2) Thou shalt not make thee any ASCII ART images in thine files
} 3) Thou shalt not edit thine files in vain, but thou shalt save often
} 4) Remmember the sabbath day, to clear thine virus crap from thine
}    computer at least once a weak
} 5) Honor thy father's advice to back thine files up, that yer files may
}    be long in the disk that the Computer is giving you
} 6) Thou shalt not kill thine processes, but thou shalt allow them to
}    terminate gracefully
} 7) Thou shalt not use thine computer for watching pr0n
} 8) Thou shalt not use pirated software
} 9) Thou shalt not bear false witness, even though thine subject of
}    Canadian History is full of ye bears
} 10) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's APPLE computer, for that is an
}    overpriced piece of crap
}
} (p.s.: Jumpin' Jesus isn't in the office this week, so I had to take it
} for him. Lots of regards, thine Bouncin' Buddha.)


1528-09    (04243 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that you can add "o" to any English word to get its
> Spanish equivalent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, if you're a linguistic weird-o.


1528-10    (13441 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the key to this problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Page 34 of the Teacher's Guide.
}
} No, um, B-flat.
}
} Wait, wait! I've got it: Steelcase series S cut #108.
}
} Sorry, just kidding, Mr Ramis. It's still Rick Moranis.
}
} You owe the Oracle some hot chocolate to mix this marshmallow into.


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