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Internet Oracularities #153

Goto:
153, 153-01, 153-02, 153-03, 153-04, 153-05, 153-06, 153-07, 153-08, 153-09, 153-10


Usenet Oracularities #153    (14 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 4 May 90 20:27:43 -0500

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   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

153   14 votes 27230 14243 31541 25430 01463 52241 03641 33323 04316 13631
153   3.0 mean  2.4   3.3   2.9   2.6   3.8   2.6   3.2   2.9   3.6   3.0


153-01    (27230 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                                       why
>                                                     isn't
>                                                  everyone
>                                                   writing
>                                           right-justified
>                                                     text?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .txet sdrawkcab gnitirw t'nsi enoyreve nosaer emas eht roF.
} .daer ot ssa eht ni niap a s'tI
}
} You owe the Oracle a foolproof way to determine whether or not
} someone has written palindromes forwards or backwards.


153-02    (14243 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wouldn't you like a nice cold Bud right now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no!  It's started!  Now the advertising agents are selling Internet
} space!  They're not satisfied with hiding trees behind ugly billboard
} signs, plaguing our favorite music station with offensive drivel, and
} jamming the television waves with bright colors and sound that is
} actually legally allowed to be 35% louder than the TV program!  No, now
} they're invading our e-mail boxes!  What next?  Will the system of the
} day tell us what brand of floppy disk to buy?  Will ad agencies buy
} accounts on systems, write to random people, trying to sell them
} something?  They already hassle our phones!  You can take your beer and
} shove the cold cylindrical object where it'd most likely fit!
}
} You owe the Oracle your instant retreat.


153-03    (31541 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the call number of the all-oratorio radio station in Boston?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm. That's a good question. Since I know everything, I don't usually
} listen to radio. Let's dial it up on the old crystal set and see:
}
}
} BBBZZZZZTTTT.....
}
} ...and pork bellies are up 2 and 1/8...
}
} BBBZZZZTTT...
}
} ...oh, baby, I want it, I need it, oh, yeah....
}
} ...BBBBZZZZTTT...
}
} ...here on you all oratory radio for the greater Boston area, we are
} W-IND, all talk, all the time. I'm Percy Cadwalleter, your WINDbag
} daily, from 2 to 6 inn the afternoon. And here's our jingle:
}
}       A gust of hot air,
}       It came from where?
}       W-IND, all hot air, all the time.
}
} Don't forget our schedule of upcoming events from WIND, all talk, all
} the time.  This Saturday, we have Dr.  Farkas,eminent doctor, and author
} of the book, "Toe Jam is too Simple", a compendium of all manners of
} foot ailments, from athelete's foot to zits.  He will give us a 3 hour
} discussion on fungus related skin ailments, fascinating!  Sunday, our
} morning breakfast show will include a visit to Dr.  Eileen Fimble, the
} Official WIND Speach therapist, who will lead us in an hour of Live,
} yes, you heard it, live mouth exercises, which when done in a regular
} regime, will in fact help you to talk 30 to 50% longer than you ever
} could before.  Our weekly self help series will conclude next monday
} evening with "Polyester:  Miracle fabric or Spawn of Satan", an
} examination of correlations btween the rise of Satanism and human
} sacrifice in the Boston Metro area and the recurrence of Polyester
} clothing on apprehended Satanists.  Yes, all wind, all the time, WIND,
} the strong wind from across the Bay.  and now to our own Fred Herbson in
} Milwaukee, who is standing by at the school debate chamipionship with
} the play by play.  Take it away Fre...
}
} ...BBBZZZTT<click>.
}
} Well, there's your radio station. Don't tell me, plaid shirt, plastic
} pocket liner, toughskins, white socks, horn rim glasses, right? I can
} spot a nerd a mile away.
}
} You owe the Oracle better reception.


153-04    (25430 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you believe in magic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only in a young girl's heart.
}
} You owe the Oracle an oldie.


153-05    (01463 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So who are we today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm the Usenet Oracle, of course.
}
} (No you're not.)
}
} Yes I am! I'm the Oracle! I know all, I see all!
}
} (We both know that you're really Tommy Skinklewitz, a geeky computer
}  nerd who writes Oracularities because you can't get laid.)
}
} No! Tommy's dead! He exists no more! Now and forever, I am the Oracle!
}
} (You're a geek with thick glasses and zits!)
}
} SHUT UP! SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!
}
} (Tommy's a weenie! Tommy's a weenie!)
}
} MAKE HIM SHUT UP! MAKE HIM GO AWAY!
}
} [Mr. Skinklewitz? It's time for your lithium, dear. And look, we have
}  a nice, clean straitjacket for you!]
}
} NOOOOO! I'M THE ORACLE! THE ONE AND ONLY ORACLE!
}
} [Sure you are, dear. Now hold still while I feed you your pudding.]
}
} AAAAAAH! I WANNA TALK TO KINZLER! I WANNA TALK TO KINZLER!


153-06    (52241 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was she on the Pill?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately not.  Congradualations Daddy!
}
} You owe the oracle a chance to be the godfather.


153-07    (03641 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise oracle, great one of wisdom, whenever my girlfriend and I are
> eh s333 pppn Er333 ccc 333 ccc, ,ee , w789 aheseh I9 am tee scurvy te
> kssthns nsw www rre r 789 amy smd tryr ry p 333 ppp 987 .a . . . E
> hEEEh a yr333   l333   333 lll s---se e 9 an333 ggg 333 ccc, ,ee , w789
> ntn n nter ree rnn 78y  m t ettteee 789 afat te kssbab bas sss
> asts ree r e789 af333    l333     s sx e 987 9 an,w heshs333    e333
> msss ss v, e 987 9 a pray grntn nt m m e 987 9 aths e333    y f yeur
> and so what can we do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have to convince her that when you are typing, it is not appropriate
} for her to perform fellatio on you.
}
} And if she spits, the keyboard might get all gummed up.
}
} Happy to oblige.


153-08    (33323 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> djhs k

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} djhs k,
} On a one- horse open sleigh,
} What a thing to say-
} I know what you weigh! (Ha ha ha!)
}
} 2b Biff u (#*@&$,
} A word I cannot quote,
} Maybe you would have more luck
} With scribbled post- it notes! OH,
}
} djh, djh, djhsk,
} Nothing's that inspiring about djhsk, OH
} djh, djh, djhsk,
} I think you're conspiring to completely wreck my day!
}
} You owe the Oracle several tubes of "M- Y Jelly, the Muse Lubricant."


153-09    (04316 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> After the nuclear war, what will I miss most?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everyone seems to think that nuclear war is going to be such a
} terrible time.  Sure, everything on the face of the earth will
} be burnt to a crisp, most major highways will have melted, and
} Don King's hair will be no more, but no one ever considers all
} the benefits of the nuclear aftermath.  How about a top ten list?
}
} [1] School will be cancelled.
} [2] Wealth will become more evenly distributed.
} [3] The glow from nuclear radiation will put sunsets and the aurora
}     borealis to shame.
} [4] You can cook a 20-lb. turkey in 3 minutes by placing it outside.
} [5] If you save the life of a cute girl by taking her into your
}     fallout shelter before the strike hits, you'll have absolutely
}     no problem talking her into sex.
} [6] All those jerks who actually have enough time to go out and get
}     a tan will finally go pale, like you.
} [7] That ugly mass of track homes a couple blocks away will be
}     destroyed: since they were all built from the same blueprint,
}     they have no genetic means to adapt, and will die.
} [8] The government can save money by not having to worry about
}     cleaning up all those toxic waste dumps any more.
} [9] We'll finally find a practical way to reduce our nuclear
}     arsenal.
} [A] You will finally be able to smoke all the pot you want without
}     the government bothering you.
}
} As for what you'll miss the most, it'll probably be your life.
} Because no matter what everyone thinks, fallout shelters are just
} that, shelters from the fallout.  They don't do squat for the
} strike.  In fact they'll all collapse when the bomb hits.
}
} You owe the Oracle a world beyond war.


153-10    (13631 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's this guy standing over my terminal, showing me what the
> Oracle is.  Is he hitting on me, or did someone pay him to come
> up and talk to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me look.  Good gravy!  That's Brian Gorsifer!  What the fuck is
} Brian doing there, making passes at random undergraduate women?  I hired
} him three weeks ago to fix the ion detoxifiers in Marybelle, CA.  Gosh
} darn it, you just can't get good help anymore.  Look, help me out, would
} you -- hit him in the balls with this sledgehammer.  Don't worry about
} damaging him -- his masculinity is already pretty worthless.
}
} Thanks,
}   The Oracle


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