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Internet Oracularities #1532

Goto:
1532, 1532-01, 1532-02, 1532-03, 1532-04, 1532-05, 1532-06, 1532-07, 1532-08, 1532-09, 1532-10


Internet Oracularities #1532    (18 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 06 Apr 2014 13:17:11 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1532
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1532  18 votes 02943 32562 44505 24822 03960 12636 05265 31770 21564 16731
1532  3.2 mean  3.4   3.1   2.9   2.9   3.2   3.6   3.6   3.0   3.5   2.8


1532-01    (02943 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Good morning!  I trust we had no problems over the weekend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well first there was a major axial tilt in the magnetic field, which
} caused numerous eruptions of pre-magma and the shift of a continent,
} but a little ointment fixed that.  Then New Zealand broke out in zits
} from allowing the import of too much chocolate. Had to pop those and
} apply alcohol with a gauze pad the size of Wembley Stadium. NZ's been
} in its bedroom sulking ever since then, all worried that no one will
} take it to the prom, but I said, "Oh honey, there's always Australia!"
} Well that didn't help, because apparently Australia is now dating Papua
} New Guinea. Then Norway started acting up. Got all hyperactive and
} shattered several fjords. I told it, "You are grounded until you have
} fixed the fjords!" Silly me....Norway LIKES being grounded! All the
} rain? Yeah. Lightning storms all the time. Norway's been begging to be
} grounded. Have to come up with a more harsh punishment. OH! I know!
} I'll make it spend some quality time with Denmark! I mean, spending a
} geological epoch playing backgammon at Hovenstadden? Not fun AT all! I
} think I'd rather do summer in Greenland! So.....on the whole,
} yeah.....kids gave me a hell of a time this weekend. Oh, and I watched
} a video.


1532-02    (32562 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why should I be afraid of empty threats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you'd better be or else!


1532-03    (44505 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've never been so insulted!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} . . . wait . . .


1532-04    (24822 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dear.  Please tell me you're joking, and in a language I can
> understand.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Exception in thread "main" java.lang.NullPointerException
}  at oracle.priest.incarnations.tellme.EmailUtils.addMessageHumor.Funny.j
}  oke.joke.joke(EmailUtils.java:3700)at oracle.priest.incarnations.tellme
}  .EmailUtils.addMessageHumor.Funny(EmailUtils.java:3210)at oracle.priest
}  .incarnations.tellme.EmailUtils.addMessageHumor(EmailUtils.java:2911)
}  at oracle.priest.incarnations.tellme.EmailUtils.addMessageHumor(EmailUt
}  ils.java:2823)at oracle.priest.incarnations.tellme.EmailUtils.getOneNew
}  TellmeMessage(EmailUtils.java:2655)at oracle.priest.incarnations.tellme
}  .EmailUtils.getOneNewTellmeMessage(EmailUtils.java:2599)at oracle.pries
}  t.incarnations.tellme.EmailUtils.getOneNewTellmeMessage(EmailUtils.java
}  :2544)at oracle.priest.incarnations.tellme.EmailUtils.getOneNewTellmeMe
}  ssage(EmailUtils.java:2514)at oracle.priest.incarnations.tellme.EmailUt
}  ils.getOneNewTellmeSubject(EmailUtils.java:876)at oracle.priest.incarna
}  tions.tellme.EmailUtils.getOneNewTellme(EmailUtils.java:859)at oracle.p
}  riest.incarnations.tellme.EmailUtils.getOpenTellmeMessages(EmailUtils.j
}  ava:913)at oracle.priest.incarnations.tellme.EmailUtils.needOpenTellme(
}  EmailUtils.java:835)at oracle.priest.incarnations.tellme.step.StepConte
}  xt.setTellmesToUpdate(StepContext.java:678)at oracle.priest.incarnation
}  s.tellme.step.StepContext.<init>(StepContext.java:257)at
}  oracle.priest.incarnations.temple.backend.Host.<init>(Host.java:682)
}  at oracle.priest.incarnations.temple.ui.UIHost.<init>(UIHost.java:205)
}  at oracle.priest.incarnations.temple.ui.InteractiveHost.<init>(Interact
}  iveHost.java:54)at
}  oracle.priest.incarnations.temple.queue.getHost(Queue.java:160) at
}  oracle.priest.incarnations.temple.queue.execute(Queue.java:94) at
}  oracle.priest.incarnations.temple.queue.main(Queue.java:180)
}
} You owe the Oracle a better class of programmer.


1532-05    (03960 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and fruitful,
>
> So?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You bet I am fruit full!
}
} It's possible that an apple will keep the doctor away, but a big bag
} of plums will keep EVERYONE away.  Drawback is that the priests
} threatens to go on strike if I don't provide them with gas masks, and
} I'm afraid to *zot* anyone, as I fear the atmosphere around here might
} be a bit explosive.
}
} You owe the priests those gas masks, and the Oracle a new fire safe
} way of punishing people.  And some more plums.  This bag's empty.


1532-06    (12636 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the name of that one guy the Borg assimilated?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} May have been something else, but it's Borg now.


1532-07    (05265 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Once again I asked you how to get to be big and strong, able to lift
> twice as much.
>
> And you answered. You said with the New Orrie Plan I could eat all
> I want, and I would not only be strong, I would NEED to be strong.
>
> You promised me more jelly to the belly and more bounce to the ounce.
> Instead, I got fat.
>
> My immense weight requires all my new strength to lift me out of bed.
>
> When will I stop believing your answers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see you're a smart man. Only a smart man would recognize he needs to
} get smarter.
}
} Well, you're also a lucky man. Because only a lucky man would have this
} much luck. Subscribers, supplicants, we have seen your calls, your
} constant questions: How do I finally develop the cranium that those
} glossy peer reviewed journals set as - previously - unrealistic
} standard of thinking? When will I finally impress people with my superb
} reasoning skills akin to those of famous stars like John Travolta or
} Christina Aguilera, and have all the nobel laureate dig me? Well, we
} have the answer! Soon, 10/10 theoretical physicist will run each other
} over in an effort to get into your conference!
}
} You heard right, we just started the new Oracular understanding
} program, and I can offer you a special discount on it!
}
} You will soon understand twice as much in half the time. More profound
} per pound, more neuro for the euro. More think tank for the swiss
} frank, more corona from the krona! More terrible pun per won!
}
} What's the first step, you ask?
}
} To send me $100 dollars, because you just bought my book and got a
} 5-year membership in my thinking cap club! Congratulations! Don't
} forget to redeem your coupon for a free noodle sieve!


1532-08    (31770 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's on your mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh the usual, rockets, tall trees, trains going into tunnels, waves
} crashing on the shore, explosions, fireworks, the geysers in
} Yellowstone, and erupting volcanoes. You?
}
} You owe the Oracle a cold shower.


1532-09    (21564 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I bet you aren't funny enough to get this into 1532!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, most people aren't funny enough to time travel.


1532-10    (16731 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the Oracle discuss meaningful questions, too?  He seems to have
> done it in the past, I think.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A meta-question: that I like, epistemology
} But this one is but little more than straight tautology
} The Oracle is everything, all-seeing and all-knowing
} Foresighted and unerring (can you see where I am going?)
}
} It may thus seem that trivia's the usual concern
} It's my meandering way for teaching fools to learn to learn
} A thousand years and maybe I will one day get a question
} That is worthy of an answer: that is my polite suggestion.
}
} Until that happy day arrives, alas we will be stuck with
} Rodents and cats and Star Wars and other things I have no truck with
} But diligently answer in the best way that I can
} Though the Oracle has wisdom that cannot be taught to man.
}
} You owe the Oracle a first edition of "The Meaning of Meaning".


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