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Internet Oracularities #1533

Goto:
1533, 1533-01, 1533-02, 1533-03, 1533-04, 1533-05, 1533-06, 1533-07, 1533-08, 1533-09, 1533-10


Internet Oracularities #1533    (18 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 13 Apr 2014 12:36:49 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1533
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1533  18 votes 23454 06750 08640 35631 23562 23841 22374 141a2 0043b 14562
1533  3.2 mean  3.3   2.9   2.8   2.7   3.2   2.9   3.5   3.4   4.4   3.2


1533-01    (23454 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We all know about the Borg Collective, that race of assimilating
> cyborgs governed by their technology. But what about the Bork
> Collective?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Their recipes are all in Swedish, a language that is notoriously hard
} to understand even though it's rather close to English, entomologically
} speaking. (Like a C++ program with too many naive bugs.) Even the
} Norwegians think Swedish is hard to understand. Mostly they think it's
} Norwegian pronounced funny, whereas Danish is Norwegian spelled funny.
}
} If you get too close to understanding Swedish there's always the chance
} they'll throw some surstromming at you. Believe me, you do not want to
} know the recipe for surstromming.


1533-02    (06750 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As a wise and all knowing Oracle, you are of course familiar with the
> "nomen est omen" theory of names begetting destiny, and you did a fine
> job with your own name. So why are the other immortals so crap at it?
> Seriously, what does "Zeus" even mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zeus means Jupiter, and that can mean Odin, and that means Wednesday.
} If it's Wednesday you are already late with your assignment for Anthro
} class. Now as you know the Romans associated Odin (or Wotan) with their
} god Mercury, and the density of Hg is 13.534. So there you have it. The
} name is the density.


1533-03    (08640 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh is that so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's vast knowledge, steeped in the Mysteries of the East,
} continues to amaze and confound supplicants and seekers of truth alike.
} His Zen-like explanations of Zen are particularly indescribable, being
} true and false, useful and useless, Zen and anti-Zen all at the same
} time, yet embodying the Truth of the Void. Aristotle claimed A is A,
} and Van Vogt claimed it was non-A. To this day nobody knows whether to
} pronounce Vogt as VOTE, VAUGHT, VOTT, VAWKT, VAUGHGHGHT, VCHT, or
} SMITHERS. So you can see the kind of contradictions one faces when
} seeking an answer, even to stupid questions.
}
} Consider for a moment the simple word "so" in your question. It could
} have been "sew" or "sow" with the implicat
}
} SORRY TIME'S UP. We were considering it for a moment. A very SHORT
} moment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a double.


1533-04    (35631 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Before he dies, there's one last thing I want to tell my father. Then
> there's one thing I hope he'll tell me.
>
> I'm gonna say to him, "I found out where you put that $800,000 you
> stole from old man Glunthermoss."
>
> I'm hoping he'll say something like, "Yeah, I never thought anyone
> would look inside the wall in the bathroom," or something like that.
>
> Of course, I have no idea what he did with the money. Maybe it IS in
> the bathroom wall. Maybe it isn't. But ripping the whole house apart is
> a rather stupid idea, since he might have buried it in Glunthermoss's
> apple orchard, under any of 317 trees.
>
> What should I do, though, if he says, "That's impossible. You're lying,
> just to get me to reveal where it is. Nobody will ever find it!"? Or
> worse, "Sorry, I'm taking it with me."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Century XXI, Quarto243
}
} The captive treasure conquered in the House of Glunthermoss
} Will pass Bayonne by sea as far as Teaneck:
} Through great exertion by the apple-pickers overcome,
} Safe from gunshot in a  barrel of donkey poop.
}
} BALANCE DUE: A crate of granny smiths.


1533-05    (23562 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'll betcha anything April 1 is your fave holiday.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It used to be, but the commercialism has really turned me off.
} Did you know April 1 gifts are in stores before Groundhog Day?
} Groundhog Day! Sheesh. Is nothing sacred any more?
}
} Please join me in keeping the Ape in April 1. It's not a "Spring
} Holiday." There is no harm in singing April 1 songs in public
} schools. And for those of different faiths, ignore us if you like,
} but don't try to keep us from our celebrations.
}
} So anyway,  I'll take your bet.
}
} You owe the Oracle, hmmm, what was it that we bet? Oh, yeah.
} Anything. You owe the Oracle anything. And a brightly colored
} April 1 egg. And an April 1 pole. And a box of April 1 shaped
} chocolates. And a spectacular display of April 1 fireworks. And
} a joke-o-lantern. And a plate of paczki, And a big April 1 flag.
} And something to stuff this turkey with. Oh wait, It's not empty.


1533-06    (23841 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Large but unnecessary Oracle, without you I would be unmentionable.
> How can I reward you, since I have already grovelled far beyond
> my means?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A grovel is so nice to hear, it really makes my day
} Unfortunately there's all this work and still I have to pay
} For heat and lighting, keeping priests, and then to feed the cat
} Amazing I have any left when I have done all that
}
} A million dollars would, to me, seem just the right amount
} Deposited - anonymous - in my Swiss bank account.


1533-07    (22374 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did my English classes never educate me in the proper usage of
> emoticons?  And could you do it, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (-: Easy. Don't. :-)


1533-08    (141a2 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are at the final table at the World Series of Poker.
>
> You are dealt the Lambda of Coins and a 2"x5" glossy of a Matchbox
> truck.
>
> God bets fifteen zorkmids.
>
> Chuck Norris raises thirty-seven yen.
>
> Zadoc folds.
>
> Action is yours.
>
> What do you do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do I do?  Thank my lucky stars it's not strip poker, that's what.
}
} You owe the Oracle a winter wardrobe for Zadoc.  Make that two.  Er,
} ten.  Yeah, that's it.


1533-09    (0043b dist, 4.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Oracle's definition of insanity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Talks to imaginary friends, expecting answers, and gets them."


1533-10    (14562 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dan@klein.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most instructive, please give me your autobiography in five
> short chapters.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Chapter I*
}
} I walk down the galactic concourse.
} There is a deep hole in the fabric of spacetime.
} I fall in.
} I am digging this.
} It is much more fun than reading Portia Nelson and sorting turnips.
} It doesn't take long to find a way out because I have a TARDIS.
}
} *Chapter II*
}
} I walk down the same galactic concourse.
} There is a deep hole in the fabric of spacetime.
} I *pretend *I am a rabbit and jump right in because what's life
} without a  sense of adventure?
} I fall in again and wind up on a planet made entirely of lemon
} meringue.  I can't believe this shit.
} But it is awfully good!
} It still takes a long time to get out, mostly because hey! I'm on a
} planet made of lemon meringue!
}
} *Chapter III*
}
} I walk down the same galactic concourse.
} There is a deep hole in the fabric of spacetime.
} I *see *it there . . . well I see it but I'm like, really cosmic. I
} doubt  you could see it so well because hey . . . how do you see a
} hole in the emptiness of space? Isn't that like a hole in a hole?
} Well, no, it's more like a distortion by means of gravity wells,
} you see..... sorry.... got sidetracked
} I still fall in... it's a lifestyle... but,
} my eyes are open and I'm looking at Elvis because now I'm in Memphis
} 1967 eating a peanut butter and banana and bacon sammich.
} I know where I am.
} It is *my *fault and man is it groovy!
} I get out my copy of Portia Nelson and deposit it in the nearest trash
} can because the word "overrated" keeps coming to mind.
}
} *Chapter IV*
}
} I walk down the same galactic concourse.
} There is a deep hole in the fabric of spacetime.
} I walk around it.
} Then I go back and jump in because this is just too much fun to pass
} up.  I just spent the afternoon playing badminton with Kaiser
} Wilhelm and  Cornelius from Planet of the Apes.
} Dr. Zaius is a sore loser, by the way.
}
} *Chapter V*
}
} I walk down another galactic concourse.
}
} Mostly because I can't remember where I parked the TARDIS.


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