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Internet Oracularities #1534

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1534, 1534-01, 1534-02, 1534-03, 1534-04, 1534-05, 1534-06, 1534-07, 1534-08, 1534-09, 1534-10


Internet Oracularities #1534    (18 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 05 May 2014 08:46:33 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1534
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1534  18 votes 11484 17271 35631 02a51 16740 22923 01674 02853 27360 23643
1534  3.2 mean  3.7   3.0   2.7   3.3   2.8   3.1   3.8   3.5   2.7   3.2


1534-01    (11484 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Orrie, please fill in this attached form.  I know it looks like a
> blank sheet, but it's a form.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NAME: Oracle Most Wise
} PROFESSION: Oracle Most Wise
} DATE OF BIRTH: 9,000,000,000 BC
} ADDRESS: Everywhere and Nowhere
} MAILING ADDRESS: 7861 Coconut Alley, Encino CA
} WORK EXPERIENCE:
} 1. Incorporeal Entity of Light
} Responsibilities: Glowing with the Light Divine in a Cosmos of pure
} being, consciousness, and bliss.
} Other duties as required.
}
} 2. Chosen One of the Gods
} Responsibilities: Casting the oracular prognostications for a gathering
} of 10,000 ancient tribes using such methods as: pyromancy, cartomancy,
} anthropomancy, augury, dowsing, gematria, geomancy, horoscopy, scrying,
} nancymancy, and touching bumpy things.
}
} 3. Supreme Arch-Druid of the Sacred Groves
} Responsibilities: Running around naked, painting myself blue,
} overseeing a cult of 5,000 arch-duids, grand druids, druids, and
} acolytes in the regions of East Anglia, Gaul, and Hispana. Occasional
} mead-soaked orgies as required.
}
} 4. High Priest of the Sun, Tegulchpotlitlanacoatl
} Responsibilities: Forecasting future events effecting the kingdom of
} Xenochtitlanoapl by means of extracting vital organs from sacrificial
} victims. Occasional bloodbaths and getting shot by Spaniards as
} required.
}
} 5. Moon Fox the Ghost Dancer, Great Plains
} Responsibilities: Overseeing the cultivation and ritual harvesting of
} peyote. Imbibing of sacred peyote drink in tribal ritual of the Vision.
} Seeing the vision of the Great White Bull at sunet in the equinox as my
} people sang the song of their Grandfathers. Filing and collating as
} required.
}
} REFERENCES:
} Great God YHVH, Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken
}
} Spirit of the Great White Bull Tatanka
}
} Bob Kessler, Regional Sales Director for Sta-Puft Marchmallows, Inc.


1534-02    (17271 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, will you say a few words?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Golf ball. Orange. Durango. Sweater.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Thesaurus written by Paul Stanley from KISS.


1534-03    (35631 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need advice on my career. I was thinking of being an astrologer, but
> I would need to learn Higher Mathematics so I could count the stars. I
> would also need to learn about the mysterious letter "g" as in gravity,
> the force that hold our destiny together. I read somewhere that density
> is specifically gravity with g.
>
> So, putting g and astrologer together I came up with gastrologer, which
> obviously has something to do with food, and I think I like that
> better, as you maybe can tell from my round shape.
>
> Where can I find a good School of Gastrology? Or if not, then at least
> a good School of Astrology where they won't try to force me to learn
> math? Krikers, how I hate math!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I believe you may start your search by looking up your black hole.


1534-04    (02a51 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, is there a - dang.  Someone already did that one.
> You don't think they'd be upset if I did something similar, do you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, there is a Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, flying saucer in Area
} 51, Great Pumpkin, God, dyslexic dog, conspiracy to [lots of these],
} reason to [lots of these, too], infinite number of parallel universes,
} person who looks exactly like you (but without the wart), gender
} wage gap, ADHD, black hole at the center of the Milky Way, system
} to win at Blackjack, free will, antimatter, ninth planet,
} predestination, evolution, monster under your bed, justice, creator,
} file that Windows says doesn't exist, life after death, doctor in the
} house, cure for smallpox, consensus on global warming and, finally,
} yes, there is an app for that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of philosopher Rene Descartes
} saying, "I think not."


1534-05    (16740 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yes!  There is a gosh!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Golly, you're right!
}
} You owe the Oracle a chart detailing how many days he will
} spend in purgatory or limbo or hell for using each of these words.
}
} Heck, , gee, gadzooks, darn, gee whiz, egad, gee willikers,
} sheesh, geez, gadzooks, dang, dangnabbit, Judas Priest, ods
} bodkins, fudge, shoot, flying leap, by Joe, criminey, tarnation,
} cripes, dickens, fiddlesticks, for Pete's sake, Sam Hill, good
} grief, suffering succotash, holy mackeral, holy moley, Son of a
} biscuit, holy smokes, Son of a gun, land's sake, my word, Oh my,
} holy Toledo,  jeepers creepers, goldang, Jiminy Cricket, goldarn,
} Judas Priest, good gravy, Jumping Jehosephat, Great Caesar's
} Ghost, ticked off, shinola, dadgummit, shucks, sugar, Begorrah,
} drat, baloney, and shucks.


1534-06    (22923 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One spell checker isn't always enough.  Do you think I need tow spell
> checkers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, your spell checker seems to be working just fine. What you need is
} an editor. Not, not one of those programs that you use to enter data
} into a computer file. I mean a real editor, one who can read what you
} write, understand it, and rewrite it for you in its entirety. For
} example:
}
} Input:
}
} One spell checker isn't always enough.
}
} Output:
}
} "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do"
} --Three Dog Night
}
} "Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
} Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
} For a charm of powerful trouble,
} Like a hell-broth boil and bubble."
} --William Shakespeare
}
} "And our little girl Tricia, the 6-year-old named it Checkers. And you
} know, the kids, like all kids, love the dog and I just want to say this
} right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we're gonna keep
} it."
} -- Richard Nixon
}
} "It depend on what the meaning of the word 'is' is"
} --Bill Clinton
}
} "One is all right, two is too many, three is not enough."
}  -- James Thurber
}
} "When the first streak of day began to show we tied up to a towhead
} in a big bend on the Illinois side"
} --Mark Twain
}
} Isn't that what you meant to say?


1534-07    (01674 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hear tell that you are good with words. Can you write
> a synopsis for this paper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure thing.
}
} Short version:
} "Contains words."
}
} Long version:
} "Caution--contains needless words."
}
} Advice:
} Omit needless words.


1534-08    (02853 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ex-squeeze me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you are not the first one to experience that after a divorce.


1534-09    (27360 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm not sure if I'm doeing the right thing. And there is no instruction
> I could read... :(

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Instructions are in Gen. 38:9-10. Use the right hand, and shake twice
} but no more, lest you sin.


1534-10    (23643 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Occasionally, your in-jokes die or get crippled.  But they come back.
> Are they anomalies in the space-time continuum or something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course, the Oracle utilizes the latest in flashback and recovery
} technology!  Allow me to demonstrate!  (Just to demonstrate the power,
} I'm gonna utilize one of the older, believed to be retired, in-jokes
} here.)
}
} HEY!  KENDAI!  GET YOUR LAZY BUTT IN HERE!
}
} -Yo! Wazzu...
}
} *ZOT*
}
} See?  Only dust left!  A few years back, I would have to do a point in
} time recovery of the whole temple and staff to an alternate reality,
} then copy Kendai from there.  A real PITA, but watch now!
}
} FLASHBACK KENDAI TO BEFORE ZOT;
}
} -...p, guv?
}
} Nothing, Kendai, you may leave.
}
} See how much easier that was?  That's what I call progress!
}
} You owe the Oracle a question involving each and every in-joke the
} Oracle ever had.


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