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Internet Oracularities #1535

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1535, 1535-01, 1535-02, 1535-03, 1535-04, 1535-05, 1535-06, 1535-07, 1535-08, 1535-09, 1535-10


Internet Oracularities #1535    (18 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: kinzler@s.kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Mon, 02 Jun 2014 10:01:49 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1535
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1535  18 votes 23481 02574 04932 13554 21681 08631 15570 51741 03834 26811
1535  3.1 mean  3.2   3.7   3.2   3.4   3.3   2.8   3.0   2.7   3.4   2.6


1535-01    (23481 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, is it true that your remaining piece has a heck of a plan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes!  I may only have the King left, against your 16 pieces, 9 of
} which have become Queens, but that's just part of my grand plan to
} make you overconfident!  In fact, you will be check mate in just 2
} more rounds, just watch this move...
}
} *CRASH*
}
} Wow, that was clumsy of me, tipping the board over like that!  Guess
} we'll have to start over again, then.  But look at the time!  Guess
} we'll have to do it another time!


1535-02    (02574 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think someone stole all my credit cards.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's have a look at your bills and see what we got, shall we?
}
} Zeus hardware: 10000 charges for staff of Zot.
} Bacchus Inc:  500 gallons of wine.
} Aphrodite's Lounge:  Confidential services.  (4995 visits)
} Thor's bone-breaking:  90 bills collected.
} Odin Consulting: Information supplied.
} Playboy: Subscription renewed.
} Penthouse: Subscription renewed.
} Hustler: Subscription renewed.
} Amazon.com: Washing detergent. New broom.  (Gift wrapped, "To Zadoc")
}
} No, I have no idea who this perpetrator could be, but I wouldn't worry
} to much about it.
}
} You owe the Oracle that you wait a bit longer before canceling them.


1535-03    (04932 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For some reason, you sounded taller in person.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 2014, and a man still can't wear stiletto heels without getting
} heckled by some backwards, retarded insensitive clod!
}
} You owe the Oracle that you forget all about this.


1535-04    (13554 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't she be the star in my sky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My first guess is, she gave up and is telescoping out something better
} than a constellation prize.


1535-05    (21681 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Increasingly Omniscient Oracle, if you knew anything additional your
> head would explode.
>
> Thank you for sending me Mongolia. It is of course only map of
> Mongolia, and thankfully not what I asked for, which was Mongolia
> itself. It was of course not what I wanted. That would have been a
> MAGNOLIA. It's a tree or shrub.
>
> Anyway, I'm enjoying looking at the map of Mongolia, or Magnolia if you
> prefer. I'm thinking more and more about Mongolia. Would it be too much
> trouble for me to ask you for the plans for making a yurt, or as the
> Mongolians call it, a ger? Or if you cannot do that, how about the
> plans for a Mongolian horse? You'll know all these things already, of
> course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mongolia, eh?  I think one of my former employees moved there.  Let's
} give him a call!
}
} *Ring* *Ring*
}
} - OGHIS KHAN SPEAKING!  WHO DARES DISTURB OGHIS KHAN?
}
} Og?  Old friend!  It's the Oracle!  How are you doing?
}
} - ORACLE?  ORACLE NOT FRIEND!  ORACLE FIRE OGHIS KHAN!  OGHIS KHAN
} ANGRY!
}
} Hey, I'm sorry!  The times where hard!
}
} - SPIKY CLUB HARDER!  OGHIS KHAN USE SPIKY CLUB ON ORACLE!
}
} What's this 'Oghis Khan' thing anyway?
}
} - OG BECOME OGHIS KHAN!  OGHIS KHAN MIGHTY LEADER OF GREAT MONGOLIAN
} HORDE!
}
} Well, congratulations!  Anyway, this supplicant has a question about
} yurts...
}
} - GREAT MONGOLIAN HORDE RUN OVER ORACLE!  TEAR DOWN ORACULAR TEMPLE!
} TEAR DOWN UNIVERSITY!  ENSLAVE SUPPLICANTS!  BUILD YURTS ALL OVER
} INDIANA!  OGHIS KHAN TAKE LISA AS BRIDE!
}
} Right!  And how do you intend to move this horde from Mongolia to
} Indiana, if I may ask?
}
} - OGHIS KHAN GENIUS!  INVENT HANG GLIDER!  SEND HORDE OF TOP OF MOUNT
} EVEREST, LAND IN INDIANA!
}
} Mount Everest is in another country!  All of Tibet and China is
} between you and Mount Everest!
}
} - OGHIS KHAN IN ALLIANCE WITH TIBET LEADER KENDAI LAMA!  SHARE COMMON
} CAUSE!
}
} OK.  I'll be awaiting your arrival.  Speak to you then.  Bye!
}
} *Click*
}
} Ahem.  Well, supplicant, if you want to know anything about Mongolia,
} you have to go there yourself.  I'm certainly not.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Great Wall of Indiana.


1535-06    (08631 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My original plan was for immortality (like you have) but I got all
> confusticated by asking instead for immorality. Don't tell me just to
> try to live forever or die in the attempt. Instead I want to learn the
> Secrets Of The Ancients (smart guys like you) so that I can follow the
> Wise Advice that they (obviously) didn't. For instance, you could have
> told Socrates, "DON'T DRINK THAT!" and he would not have died.
>
> I'm somehow reminded of that poem I had to learn in school, "This is
> the forest prime evil, the murderous pines, and the Hemlock."
>
> If you can't tell me how to live forever, at least tell me what not to
> drink and where that evil forest is so I can avoid it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Glad you asked.
}
} You should stop drinking anything from bottles labeled 'XO' or
} 'V.S.O.P.'  Any such bottles you have should immediately be sent to
} the Oracle for safe destruction.  As a matter of fact, to protect
} others you should buy any such bottles you can find, and send them
} over!
}
} You owe the Oracle that you waste no time whatsoever!  The future of
} mankind depends on you!


1535-07    (15570 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi Orrie, Superman here.
>
> My current girlfriend found out that I hold conservative views and is
> currently auditing me and trying to target me with fines and prison
> even though I've violated no law.
>
> She's also made public some confidential information about conservative
> causes I have donated to.
>
> Every time I ask her why she's behaving this way, she pleads the fifth.
>
> Do you think I should start dating someone else?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Er, Superman? I'm not sure what planet you're living on, but I'm fairly
} sure you've violated several laws:
}
} 1. Working in the U.S. without a valid passport.
} (And the fact that you're taking frequent "bathroom" breaks and missing
} all newsworthy stories ever means you should have been fired long ago.)
}
} 2. Destruction of property beyond necessity.
} (I don't care who General Zod is, you should have followed the due
} process of law.)
}
} 3. Complete disregard for the laws of physics.
} (Stopping a plane over a very short distance just before it hits the
} ground is *not* going to prevent everyone from dying. Also, time travel
} is definitely not a thing, despite what anyone tells you about rotating
} universes.)
}
} Need I go on?
}
} Anyway, your donations to Sarah Palin's Tea Party mean that you're
} morally compromised from the start. You do realise that their views on
} illegal aliens mean that you'd be arrested and sent back to Krypton in
} no time?
}
} With the despicable way you've behaved, I think your current girlfriend
} should start dating you in much the same way as a tree. By cutting you
} open.
}
} You owe the Oracle Lex Luthor's home telephone number. I'm going to
} need it.


1535-08    (51741 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, I got this answer, or something like it, from you a while back.
>
> > The Internet Oracle is poundering your question.
> >
> > Expect an answer in a day or two.
>
> It's been several weeks now, and I guess you might have finished your
> poundering. Probably flattened my question into a blivion.
>
> Will you ever tell me anything actually worthwhile? What will it be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes I quite agree with you, I mean what's the point of being
} treated like a sheep, I mean I'm fed up going abroad and being
} treated like a sheep, what's the point of being carted around in
} busses, surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Kettering and
} Boventry in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their
} transistor radios and their 'Sunday Mirrors', complaining about
} the tea, 'Oh they don't make it properly here do they not like
} at home' stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips
} and Watney's Red Barrel and calamares and two veg and sitting in
} cotton sun frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over
} their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh cos they 'overdid it on
} the first day'! And being herded into endless Hotel Miramars and
} Bellevueses and Bontinentals with their international luxury
} modern roomettes and their Watney's Red Barrel and their
} swimming pools full of fat German businessmen pretending to
} be acrobats and forming pyramids and frightening the children
} and barging in to the queues and if you're not at your table spot
} on seven you miss your bowl of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom
} soup, the first item on the menu of International Cuisine, and every
} Thursday night there's bloody cabaret in the bar featuring some
} tiny emaciated dago with nine-inch hips and some big fat bloated
} tart with her hair Brylcreemed down and a big arse presenting
} Flamenco for Foreigners. And then some adenoidal typists from
} Birmingham with diarrhoea and flabby white legs and hairy
} bandy-legged wop waiters called Manuel, and then, once a week
} there's an excursion to the local Roman ruins where you can buy
} cherryade and melted ice cream and bleedin' Watney's Red Barrel,
} and then one night they take you to a local restaurant with local
} color and coloring and they show you there and you sit next to a
} party of people from Rhyl who keeps singing 'Torremolinos,
} Torremolinos', and complaining about the food, 'Oh!  It's so greasy
} isn't it?' and then you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer
} from Luton with an Instamatic and Dr Scholl sandals and Tuesday's
} 'Daily Express' and he drones on and on about how Mr Smith should
} be running this country and how many languages Enoch Powell can
} speak and then he throws up all over the Cuban Libres. And sending
} tinted postcards of places they don't know they haven't even visited,
} 'to all at number 22, weather wonderful our room is marked with
} an "X".  Wish you were here.''Food very greasy but we have managed
} to find this marvellous little place hidden away in the back streets.
} ''Where you can even get Watney's Red Barrel and cheese and
} onion crisps and the accordionist plays "Maybe its because I'm a
} Londoner"' and spending four days on the tarmac at Lutton
} airport on a five-day package tour with nothing to eat but dried
} Watney's sandwiches and there's nowhere to sleep and the kids
} are vomiting and throwing up on the plastic flowers and they keep
} telling you it'll only be another hour although your plane is still in
} Iceland waiting to take some Swedes to Yugoslavia before it can
} pick you up on the tarmac at 3 a.m. in the bloody morning and
} you sit on the tarmac until six because of 'unforeseen
} difficulties', i.e. the permanent strike of the Air Traffic
} Control in Paris, and nobody can go to the lavatory until you
} take off at eight, and when you get to Malaga airport
} everybody's swallowing Enterovioform tablets and queuing for the
} toilets and when you finally get to the hotel there's no water
} in the taps, there's no water in the pool, there's no water in
} the bog and there's only a bleeding lizard in the bidet, and
} half the rooms are double-booked and you can't sleep anyway.


1535-09    (03834 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <RMcGee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm compiling a list of your relatives, the ones who have "The"
> as one of their names. So far we have C. T., F. T., and A. T. Great
> (from Russia, Prussia and Macadamia, respectively), C. T. Barbarian,
> and also T. I.  Hulk. I'm hoping to add Cato T. Elder and (in a
> two-for-one special) Louis T. XIVth, T. Sun King.

Whom have I overlooked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question reminded me that I should probably catch up with some of
} my relatives. You know how it is, you go for a couple of months without
} seeing them, then before you know it you only see them at weddings and
} funerals (theirs, of course, I'm immortal and since I asked Lisa what
} she was thinking about last night and she said she was imagining the
} wedding she'll never have, the first is unlikely to happen either).
}
} So, I invited some of them around for a dinner party at the Oracular
} Palace and this is what happened:
}
} QE2: And what do you do?
} O: I answer questions from all of humanity, Your Majesty.
} QE2: Fascinating. Perhaps you can answer one about my son Andrew. Why?
} O: I don't know, I'm sure, Your Majesty.
} QE2: Oh well. I'd better stop Philip from insulting any of the other
}    guests. Oh dear, he's talking to Louis XIV and I think I heard the
}    word "frog".
}
} O: Ah, Alexander, how are you?
} A: Very well. I have claimed this palace in the name of the Alexandrian
}    Empire.
} O: Really? You want to have control over a grovelling slave, several
}    priests who have been driven insane by communicating my visions to
}    supplicants, and a dungeon full of rabid woodchucks? Also, the Postal
}    Service is making a loss; no-one ever puts the right postage on the
}    gifts they send me.
} A: Ah, yes. For your heroic work, I hereby give you the freedom to rule
}    as you wish in your domain. Do you think I would be better off
}    conquering the Hundred-Acre Wood? I saw Winnie The Pooh over there
}    and I think he would trade it for a pot of honey.
}
} O: Jack, good to see you. You, er, got out of prison following all that
}    misunderstanding then?
} Jack The R.: Yes, I told them that making copies of DVDs I own was
}    perfectly legal and they let me off.
} O: Yes, of course. By the way, have you seen Ivan yet? He replied to my
}    invitation with a three page insult, including the suggestion that he
}    didn't want to see me because, and I quote, "Who wants to see an ugly
}    face like that anyway?"
}
} By the way, The Incredible Hulk couldn't fit into his dinner jacket, so
} was stopped at the door by my butler The Thing, and Muffin The Mule has
} a court order preventing him from being mentioned in polite company.
}
} You owe the Oracle a seating plan for the dinner that would not result
} in all-out war before the fish course.


1535-10    (26811 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do I hafta?  'Coz I don't wanna.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Serving as an Incarnation is voluntary. You get to choose whether to
} provide my answer or not.
}
} Nevertheless, you should remember that the Consequence of Failing to
} Provide An Answer are NOT SPECIFIED, which means that ANYTHING CAN
} HAPPEN, and probably will. If you'll go right now and stumble through
} the Oracularities, the entire historical list of them, you will
} discover the atrocities that were palmed off as being true renditions
} of my exquisite and helpful thoughts. What a mess!
}
} You, had you taken the trouble, could have prevented such gross
} mismanagement of my precious answers, but you chose to drink beer
} instead.
}
} My current incarnation has run out of beer.
}
} You owe the Oracle ten cases of beer. And none of that Molson's crap.


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