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Internet Oracularities #1536

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1536, 1536-01, 1536-02, 1536-03, 1536-04, 1536-05, 1536-06, 1536-07, 1536-08, 1536-09, 1536-10


Internet Oracularities #1536    (17 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Mon, 16 Jun 2014 07:22:08 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1536
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1536  17 votes 25550 11555 22562 12770 25352 17171 32264 43730 22a30 22283
1536  3.1 mean  2.8   3.7   3.2   3.2   3.0   3.0   3.4   2.5   2.8   3.5


1536-01    (25550 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest oracle, whose knowledge knows no bounds, whose very existence
> is inextricably linked with the fate of the universe, pray tell me:
> what are the rules of Mornington Crescent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A full set of rules may be found by following the secret and now
} disused extension that was to have connected to the Road To The Isles
} and was later diverted for Trans-Atlantic Service in a project that was
} never completed. Merely complete the project and connect to the
} now-dismantled Atlantic Avenue Elevated Railway in Boston,
} Massachusetts. Not far from the Battery Street Station is the site of
} the Great Molasses Disaster of 1919, in which people and horses drowned
} in treacle. Inquire locally, and be sure to say the words "Purity
} Distilling Company" before you hear anyone else speak them. By osmosis
} from the smell of the spilt molasses (said to persist in hot weather to
} this day) you will receive your set of rules. If this method fails,
} retire to any of the convenient Italian restaurants nearby for several
} bottles of cheap Chianti. One way or another, success is guaranteed.
}
} You owe the Oracle the set of rules for the similar game called
} "Insanity" that was played at MIT around 1965.


1536-02    (11555 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oof! I wrote "msiles per galoon" instead of "miles per gallon" and it
> got corrected to "smiles per galoot" instead. What will my admittedly
> antique car do with smiles per galoot? It's a 1913 Mercer Raceabout.
> And NO YOU CAN'T DRIVE IT. (You know what happened last time.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You see that front axle? The one that goes under the two headlights
} that look like eyes? Yes, if you let one more idiot climb into the car,
} that axle will bend into a smile. And won't that look nice? Actually,
} no it won't, because the Mercer will be undriveable and worthless. Ha!
} That's what you get for refusing to let me drive it.
}
} Anyway, other strange units from the world of spell-correction include:
}
} Jewels per secundum: It's a little known fact that James Watt was an
} opportunistic thief who picked up bracelets and rings dropped by women
} he was stalking. (To suggest that he got off very lightly when he
} murdered one of them would be libellous, but you have to wonder about
} Killer-Watt's hours.)
}
} Scenty-grade: Method of classifying perfumes according to how hot they
} make you appear.
}
} Heck-tear: To bawl someone out for using even a bowdlerised form of a
} swear-word.
}
} I'm pere: Luke, I am your Father.
} I'm pair?: And I have a twin sister called Leia?
}
} Killer-meet-her: Norman Bates, this is Marion Crane.
}
} Newton-meet-her: This never happened. Isaac was famously a misogynist.
}
} Cool-Om: A suspiciously hip Buddhist monk.
}
} So, there you have it supplicant. If you want more fun facts about
} science, just watch "We need to talk about Kelvin", a story of remorse
} and forgiveness. You could say that the punch line is killer-hurts!
} Hahahahah....
}
} You owe the Oracle evidence that you are not a m/s^3 by grovelling next
} time.


1536-03    (22562 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-knowing Oracle, whose brainstem has its own brainstem to handle
> the "little stuff," why can't everywhere be like Paris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A comparison between Paris and other major cities:
}
}                                               Paris
} Giza           Pyramids tallest structure     Eiffel tower tallest
}                  before Eiffel Tower            structure after Eiffel
}                                                 Tower
} Madison WI     American Cheese                Real cheese
} St Louis MO    Gateway Arch                   Arc de Triomphe
} Madrid         Pablo Picasso                  Toulouse-Lautrec
} Boise ID       French Fries                   Pommes Frites
} Shanhaiguan    Great Wall of China            Maginot Line
} Raleigh NC     French Poodle                  Poodle
} Everett WA     767-300                        A300-600
} Quito          Capitol of Ecuador             Capitol of France
} Tokyo          Biggest city in Japan          Biggest city in France
} New York       On Hudson River                On Seine River
} LaVergne TN    French Seam                    English sewing
} Phoenix AZ     Phoenix Art Museum             The Louvre
} Berlin         1936 Summer Olympics           1924 Summer Olympics
} New Orleans    French toast                   pain perdu
} Kenosha WI     Wings and Wheels of Kenosha    Paris Air Show
} Salt Lake City Sound of Music                 Folies Bergere
} South Bend IN  Notre Dame                     Notre Dame
} Kowloon        "City of Darkness"             "City of Light"
} Ossining, NY   Electric Chair                 Guillotine
} Hollywood      Paris Hilton is a person       Paris Hilton is a hotel
}
} Si la diplomatie americaine est vraiment diplomatie, puis fromage
} americain est vraiment fromage.


1536-04    (12770 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you've talked to a lot of people, produce one or more.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice try, Lisa, but we're still not having kids until *after* we move
} into the new temple.
}
} You owe the Oracle refilling his gas tank after you borrow the car.
} Seriously, it's just rude.


1536-05    (25352 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the dealy, O?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Teh dealy is deu to lwo bnadwdith. You ndee to speka to yoru IPS.


1536-06    (17171 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is that the best you have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...were you looking for a DIFFERENT Klopman diamond?
}
} You owe the Oracle pan of lasagna.


1536-07    (32264 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <RMcGee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the coast clear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yep. Nobody goes there any more. It's too crowded.
}
} The Oracle owes W. C. Fields an apology.
}
} Scene: Southern California beaches from Malibu to Dana Point. It's
} a hot summer day in July. More than 1.8 million people are slathering
} on sun screen, lying in the sun working on their tans. There's a little
} surfing, a little beach volleyball, some boogy boarding, and even some
} fishing. The air is filled with the cries of seagulls and lots of Beach
} Boys music. Teenaged boys ogle teenaged girls who, while pretending
} indifference, ogle right back. Ruby's at the end of the piers are
} selling their famous hamburgers and fries at a record pace.
}
} Then, in a phenomenon know as "the last straw", Melvin P. Irwin parks
} his 1973 VW near Electric Avenue in Seal Beach. He walks towards the
} pier, but only makes it as far as the cold showers where people are
} rinsing off sand and oil. His weight, along with the hundreds of
} thousands of others, causes a little crack between the concrete
} boardwalk and the expanse of sand, barely visible through the hoards of
} sun worshipers.
}
} The crack lengthens and widens, quickly separating the beaches from
} the mainland. Harried beachgoers are unable to cross it and are trapped
} in the vortex of piers, sand, beer-filled coolers, umbrellas, and, yes,
} people swirls them out to sea. After only a few minutes, quiet returns
} to the abbreviated shore while marijuana fueled amazement fills the
} heads of those few luck enough to remain.
}
} In a small grocery store, the vibration causes a bar of Coast bar soap
} to fall to the floor. A bikini-clad shopper slowly picks it up and
} opens the box. It is completely opaque.
}
} So, no, the Coast is not clear. Sorry.


1536-08    (43730 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does it bother you that our media has degenerated into a self
> appointed Pravda? Using tendentious language, over reporting some
> stories and under reporting others.
>
> Of course, you can't escape "bias" 100%, but at least you can show
> signs of making an effort to do so, an effort to try to express
> differing points of view in each story and avoid rhetoric when
> possible and try to just present facts. If this is not done, and
> people are too stupid to think for themselves, what bizarre
> grotesqueries might we not descend into in the coming years?  People
> can be led into believing just about anything, even that you exist.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are so incredibly correct!
}
} Tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. It's obvious that you want to
} stop believing that I exist. So as a favor to you I'll stop believing
} that you exist. You might defer, I fancy, to the words of Ko-Ko, the
} Lord High Executioner:
}
} Ko-Ko: When Your Majesty says "Let a thing be done", it's as good as
} done, practically it is done, because Your Majesty's will is law. Your
} Majesty says "Kill a gentleman", and the gentleman is to be killed,
} consequently that gentleman is as good as dead, practically he is dead,
} and if he is dead, why not say so?
}
} The Mikado: I see. Nothing could possibly be more...(Dramatic
} Pause)...satisfactory!


1536-09    (22a30 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I thought it was wrong to use apostrophe's in plural's but my teacher
> says "when in doubt put in a postrophe." Yes, he spells it that way,
> and that suggest's to me that he might be wrong. I am trying to follow
> his advi'ce here, but it's hard to know what he mean's because of hi's
> ovbiou's misteak's. And yes he spell's misteak in'stead of mistake.
>
> I am getting the feeling that we are lucky he is not teaching
> mathematics or geography or the world would be a hyperbolic paraboloid
> instead of a s'phere.
>
> He also hint's that all our trouble's are caused by original sin or
> global warming, and that anyone who doe's not see the tru'th is an
> idiot.
>
> We are freezing here so it is not global warming. What was my
> teacher's original sin? Or your's?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: Supplicant From a Cold Land
} From: The Oracle
} Re: apostrophes, shape of earth and of universe, lack of grovelling
}
} Supplicant: be kind and gentle with your teacher. He/She/It is very
} likely a time traveller.  Estimated time period from which said teacher
} originates: might be from between 1529 (when the apostrophe may or may
} not have been introduced to French by Geoffroy Tory and immediately
} copied by the English) and the 18th century, when "the plural use was
} greatly reduced." Might be from the future, as "there is a tendency to
} drop apostrophes" these days (viz St Annes, St Johns Lane, Tescos,
} Barclays and many more). The use of the apostrophe in the future is
} harder to document, as you well know, due to time travel being the way
} it is.
}
} Supplicant: be aware that the shape of the earth is an oblate spheroid,
} not a sphere. It is the universe that may or may not be saddle-shaped.
}
} Supplicant: your grovelling leaves a great deal to be desired.
}
} You owe the oracle a definition and/or explanation for "plif." as in,
} from the 1894 "Manual of style governing composition and proof reading
} in the Government Printing Office" description on when to use
} apostrophes -- to wit --
}
}       4. Use apostrophes in unusual abbreviations, such as Feb'y, c't,
}       etc. ; but in well-established abbreviations use the period, as
}       Mr., deft., plif.


1536-10    (22283 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Here's the x's and o's you wanted:
>
> XOXOXOXOXOXO
>
> What did you want with them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And where are the bottles they where supposed to be written on?


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