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Internet Oracularities #1538

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1538, 1538-01, 1538-02, 1538-03, 1538-04, 1538-05, 1538-06, 1538-07, 1538-08, 1538-09, 1538-10


Internet Oracularities #1538    (17 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2014 06:25:06 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1538
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1538  17 votes 25730 22760 13553 12662 02573 10583 49130 14273 32552 25370
1538  3.1 mean  2.6   3.0   3.4   3.4   3.6   3.7   2.2   3.4   3.1   2.9


1538-01    (25730 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ox

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do you want out of me?  To tell another yoke?


1538-02    (22760 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc! ZADOC, WAKE UP!! Where did you put this supplicant's question?
}
} -- O Impervious One, the light of whose toes outshines my own nose even
} on the most inebriated day, I really ...
}
} Zadoc, did I ever tell you that you are over-reaching yourself in the
} grovelling department?
}
} -- Many times, Master, many times, especially when I'm merely trying to
} illustrate your immense ...
}
} Shut up, Zadoc, and answer my question.
}
} -- Mmmmphmphph.
}
} Well, dear Supplicant, I'm afraid that for today you are going to have
} to accept a non-answer for a non-question. I'd punish Zadoc, except
} that he's busy putting floor wax on the floor and sealing wax on the
} ceiling. Don't ask why unless you REALLY want to know.


1538-03    (13553 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bats in the Beltway! Bats in the Beltway!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} United States Government Form Letter 100075642/B
}
} Dear Citizen,
}                                                          infiltration
} It appears from your letter that you are concerned about lobbying
}                                                          dulling
}                                        tobacco industry
} of the United States Government by the communists
}                                        historical re-enactment societies
}
} We are grateful for your concern, but would like to point out that the
}
}                                  cool, refreshing, Camel cigarettes
} recent purchase of $10m worth of US flags and red paint
}                                  14th century halberds
}
}                                  Russia
} was for the purpose of export to China  where that sort of thing is
}                                  Spain
} perfectly acceptable.
}
}                                           need a good laugh
} Your letter will be kept on file until we run out of toilet paper
}                                           need to frame you
}
}                                                concerns
} In the meantime, if you need to raise any more red flags
}                                                duels
}
}                                    send smoke signals
} with us, please do not hesitate to emigrate
}                                    die in hand-to-hand combat
}
} Yours sincerely,
}
} The Government of the USA.
}
} P.S. You owe us your undying loyalty. Until you actually die.


1538-04    (12662 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, why do some people mistake you for an IRL
> religion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indo-Russo-Latvian religions are so rarely observed these days, I am
} surprised that you hear this from enough people to formulate a question
} about it.
}
} Naturally the religion of Oracularity is more of a Western Traditional
} Finnish religion.


1538-05    (02573 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are there empty threats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like everything in existence, dear Supplicant, threats also come in
} a variety of qualities. Considering the fullness of a thread, we get
} a scale like this:
}
}      |----------------------------------------|
}    empty                                     full
}
} We can judge the emptiness of a threat by how much its promise can
} be fulfilled. Examples:
}
} 1. a rodent threatening to tear down your concrete
}    garage: empty
}
} 2. a mining truck threatening death to you, while you're
}    expertly tied in front of one of its tires: full
}
} 3. your clone threatening an abysmal reputation to you
}    by intrigue and cunning ("she will never think of that, hee-hee!"):
}    50% full (50% empty, if you're an optimist)
}
} 4. a heavyweight boxer threatening unconsciousness to you:
}    probably full, unless you're the next Thai kickboxing champion.
}
} Now these are rather simple examples. We must also consider that
} different individuals have different views of the world.
}
} One example: you laugh at the mouse threatening to tear down your
} sturdy house, thinking its threat is empty as can be.  However, what
} you don't know is that right now it is gnawing through a cable of the
} circuit board that is controlling your basement nuclear reactor --
} a rather full threat.
}
} And yet we haven't even talked about threats that seem threatening,
} but in reality would be a boon to the threatened.  Oh wow!
}
} So, there you have it, dear Supplicant! Even if there were only full
} threats objectively, nevertheless there were also threats that you
} would think empty but in fact are not.
}
} If your question has any basis in your personal reality, then I
} hope you'll have a good night's sleep tonight, without much tossing
} and turning.
}
} That notwithstanding, you owe the Oracle a couple of expensive
} diamonds. Why so much? Read again.


1538-06    (10583 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's up, Doc?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The price of duck feathers for insulating cold-weather jackets and
} comfy sleeping bags has increased over the past 50 years. Down is up.


1538-07    (49130 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dan@klein.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, is there a "Lord Gaga"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. He is me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fake ID.


1538-08    (14273 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know that thing I asked you to explain a few years ago?  Please do
> so now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, right.
}
} You have the flower and the bee.  And the bee will sting you, and then
} run away without paying child support.
}
} Hope that made things clearer!


1538-09    (32552 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most Reliable, who functions without a glitch
> and never keeps its supplicants waiting except to ponder
> their questions deeply, pray tell me and enlighten
> your unworthy servant:
>
> - Now that the Los Angeles Clippers have become
>    LA (Microsoft) Windows, what kind of new features
>    can we expect in their performance in the field?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Service Packs.


1538-10    (25370 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is real?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a number including integers, rationals, but not imaginaries.
} It's a bunch of second grade reality shows (when followed by
} "housewives of <anywhere>") It's a spool-like thing for storing movies
} (celluloid movies, not them newfangled digital things). It's a dance
} from Virginia. Like a square dance but more rectangular. It's a kind of
} estate, made mostly of dirt.
} It's half of a phrase like Deal, McCoys, El Camino.
} It's part of a quote from B.F. Skinner "The real mistake is to stop
} trying." or from Plato "The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid
} of the light" or from Mohandas Gandhi "It is health that is real
} wealth, not pieces of gold and silver. or from Buddha "The only real
} failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows." or from Frank
} Zappa "You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an
} airline." or from Bill Clinton "What works in the real world is
} cooperation." It's Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and
} the Internet Oracle.


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