[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:35:35 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1539

Goto:
1539, 1539-01, 1539-02, 1539-03, 1539-04, 1539-05, 1539-06, 1539-07, 1539-08, 1539-09, 1539-10


Internet Oracularities #1539    (18 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Sun, 10 Aug 2014 09:21:14 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1539
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1539  18 votes 34740 03492 03942 03555 42642 29331 10962 01a34 15462 82260
1539  3.1 mean  2.7   3.6   3.3   3.7   2.9   2.6   3.4   3.6   3.2   2.3


1539-01    (34740 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Holy cow, Orrie, you can't be serious.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, not really. I am trapped here in a collaborative humor exercise,
} destined in purpletooity to create silly answers to inane questions.
} Sometimes it's a bit unclear, who is sillier, me or my supplicants.
}
} Anyway, I am certainly not Sirius, the Dog Star, nor am I Spot, Lady
} Macbeth's dog. Regardless, today I am less serious than you.
}
} I win! I win!! You owe the Oracle a Rootie Kazootie pin.


1539-02    (03492 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Failed again. I work for the Weather Service, and tried to forecast
> "dense fog" but the intervoculator got my words wrong, and now the
> forecast is for "dents frog." If you can't change my forecast to match
> the weather (and I know how impossible THAT is), then please change the
> weather to match my forecast. Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You didn't see the movie "Magnolia" did you? Don't.
}
} There is another way out. Change the meaning of the words to match,
} well, whatever you want them to be. For example, if you mispredict
} a dust storm, just call it a haboob.
}
} Screwed up on that "Nor'easter?" How about calling it a "Polar Vortex?"
} "Global warming" becomes "Global climate change." If "wilken" doesn't
} work, just change it to "cloud."  "Normal" becomes "30 year average."
} You can even change "Weather Service" to "National Oceanic and
} Atmospheric Administration."
}
} You have already made these changes: an "incorrect" forecast
} becomes "correct," "wrong" becomes "right," and "there is a mob
} of angry peasants outside with pitchforks and tar and feathers"
} becomes "Look! Our admirers are throwing us a party."
}
} We could do it your way, but, as you know, "Everybody talks
} about the weather, but nobody asks the Oracle to change it.
}
} You owe the Oracle some other changes in all weather reports:
} from Celsius to Rankin, from knots to furlongs per fortnight, and
} inches of rain to Newtons per kilogram times seconds squared.


1539-03    (03942 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wrote, "I have been waiting several months for your answer." Only
> that's not how I wrote it. What I wrote was, "I have been wanting
> several moths form your monster."
>
> That's the problem. I got the moths. They are certainly big. Monstrous,
> even. They have eaten my clothes. Not only the woollen sweaters and my
> mittens, but my shoes and my underwear. I didn't know that moths ate
> cotton, leather, dacron and spandex, but I misunderestimated your
> moths. Now I am totally starkers.
>
> What should I feed the moths now? They are nibbling at my eyelashes,
> having already eaten the rest of my hair. Toenails next, I fear. Please
> help. Send something. Anything.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not happy with your curse?  No problem!  We at Deities INC have a wide
} variety to choose from!
}
} You may want to consider one or more of the following:
}  1) All your questions to the Oracle will be answered by the Queue
}     Drainer.
}  2) Alternatively, or additionally, they can be forwarded to your
}     English teacher.
}  3) Your Internet connection will be routed through a radio link via
}     Alpha Centauri, the Great Firewalls of China, Iran and the RIIA, and
}     be converted to smoke signals.
}  4) Your DVD collection will be converted to punched cards.
}  5) You will have an unlimited supply of porn with the most beautiful
}     models you can imagine, but just as you are getting really aroused
}     and excited, you will suddenly realize the models are all
}     transvestites. [I]
}  6) You new job uniform will be an itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka
}     dot mankini.
}  7) The Rodents That Shall Not Be Named (TM)  will start chucking their
}     wood through your windows.
}  8) Or they will be hiding under your bed when the Oracle finally
}     implements the Final Solution.
}  9) Your Private Browsing history will be posted to Facebook.
} 10) You will find out first hand whether Freedom REALLY is another word
}     for nothing left to lose.
} 11) 404 Internet not found.
}
} Yes, for a small[II] fee, we'll be more than happy to consider a
} trade-in! Contact Christophe, Dave or Mike between 1:30 AM - 5:30 AM
} [IV] at 1-800-LEAVE-ME-ALONE to work out the details!
}
} [I] Your existing porn collection will be converted.
} [II] Relative to the US national debt.
} [III] No such footnote.
} [IV] The only time of day where it won't interfere with their other
} tasks here at the temple


1539-04    (03555 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wish to take her out.  How may I accomplish this feat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are two separate methods, depending on the situation.
}
} 1. She is the enemy. Drop a bouquet of explosive roses or three-second
} grenades. When she picks the bouquet up, she is gone.
}
} 2. She is not an enemy. Wait until she is in, and ask politely, bouquet
} of non-explosive roses in hand, for her to step outside. Unfortunately
} she will refuse, because she'll recognize you from situation number 1.


1539-05    (42642 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it me, or are some of your incarnations like the Oracle from
> Aladdin and the King of Thieves?  They get my question again and get
> offended that I didn't like their last answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know, I know, it's awfully frustrating to read answers such as, "That
} was a terrible question. How should I know the answer to something so
} stupid?"
}
} Unfortunately I cannot control what happens to the randomness that is
} the slush pile out from under which my incarnations crawl. Yes,
} technically I DO know how to control it, but if I did, then you would
} be getting answers consisting of nothing but gritty pieces of ZOT-dust,
} sometimes your very own.
}
} Wait a minute, I'm forgetting myself... That's what actually happens
} sometimes, isn't it!
}
} You are touching on some very embarrassing portions of my spiritual
} beingness. Let me rest and think for a moment. Maybe Lisa can help.
} She's not shown up in the answers for a while, so perhaps she can shine
} a better light on everything. LISA!!!! GET OVER HERE!
}
} ----- Master, Lisa is hiding from you. She said that if you yelled at
} her like that again she would hide behind the sofa and I wasn't to tell
} you where she was. Oops.
}
} Zadoc, go and get Lisa now. Move the sofa if you have to.
}
} ----- Master, whose great and powerful ZOT is no match between my toes
} until my feet are on fire, don't you remember what happened the last
} time we moved the sofa? Certainly you have not forg...
}
} YES, of COURSE I remember. I'm goddam omniscient you imbecile. Use the
} brains God gave you and do exactly what I asked!
}
} =++= Orrie, honey, please don't yell at poor Zadoc like that. The heat
} makes his hair curl. I can smell it charring all the way over here
} behind the sofa. Ughhh. Now Zadoc, if you'll come over here and assist
} me, I'll get out from behind the sofa. Orrie, you and I can sit on the
} sofa like we used to, and discuss your wretched problems.
}
} ----- Lisa, the Master does not remember what happens when we move the
} sofa, and I guess you don't either. Oh well, demonstration is the best
} proof of error.
}
} ********* SHOVE *********
}
} [[[[[[[[[[ ka-blooooie! ]]]]]]]]]]]]]
}
} No, no, no! Zadoc, what have you done? The square brackets are
} unbalanced, and I think they hurt Lisa! You evil toad, I don't know why
} I ever hired you. Wait a minute, yes I do. Forget it.
}
} -++- I'm all right, honey. I was wearing the magical protective bra
} that
} ...
}
} That bra that THOR gave you? Didn't I tell you to stay away from him?
}
} -++- Of course you did, darling, and that's why I had to see if the bra
} fitted me, and it does. Don't you think it's attractive?
}
} Um, yes. Of course. Ahhh, yes. Let's sit here on the sofa and I'll
} admire your bra. Yes. Zadoc, go and polish the silverware or something.


1539-06    (29331 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My friend argues that the Oracle is a haven for anonymous cowards;
> that can't be right, can it?  I disagree with him, but I can't explain
> it to him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Anonymous? Me? I'm the Internet Oracle. Everybody knows who I am. I
} don't have to go around like some of my supplicants, proclaiming a
} false name, like Burpwiser W. Floodlethorp or Skinkworthy Grabblesnort.
} Not me.
}
} You, because you're a supplicant, are probably anonymous, but you're
} not a coward. Noel Coward, on the other hand, sent mad dogs to
} Englishmen.
}
} So there you have it. Everything you said was wrong, as usual. That
} makes me even more right.


1539-07    (10962 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is wrong with English? I put on some pants this morning, but if I
> try to tell people "I got pantsed after breakfast" no one gets the
> intended meaning and instead I get puzzled looks or expressions of
> sympathy. But tell people "I got dressed after breakfast" and no one
> seems to care that a dress is not involved.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, it's worse than you could imagine.  For instance, let's break down
} your question.
}
} "What is wrong with English?"
}
} This in itself has several answers.
}
} 1.  Nothing, if you use it properly to get the cue ball where you need
}     it to go.
} 2.  Some would argue the main problem is the still-existing Monarchy.
}     Personally, I think it's their bad taste in books.
} 3.  Several things are wrong with the English language, not the least
}     of which are the people who speak it.
}
} Let's go on.  You put on some pants this morning.  From this sentence,
} am I to understand that you put on more than one pair of pants?  "Some
} pants" suggests multiple pairs.  For that matter, why are pants
} referred to as a "pair?"  It would make more sense to say "I put on a
} pair of pant legs, " but that suggests you didn't have any seat or
} crotch covering.  Breezy, perhaps, but certainly uncomfortable on vinyl
} seats in the summer time.
}
} Next, "No one gets the intended meaning" suggests they were to receive
} something, as if "intended meaning"  is a tangible object.  The other
} option is for "gets" to equate to "understands."  How is the reader to
} know which meaning you wanted understood?  Both work, neither are
} perfect.
}
} Finally, "dressed" is of course a double meaning word.  "Getting
} Dressed" is understood to mean "I put clothes on that are suitable for
} daily wear," instead of the alterior meaning of "I put on a dress."
}
} The point of all of this is, using the English language is like using a
} computer:  It's easy to get the basics, but you really have to know how
} regular users do it to not make yourself look like an idiot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cucumber sandwich.


1539-08    (01a34 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I dreamed about one of your priests once.  Is that possible?  What do
> they even look like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Crunchy and good with ketchup" is a common description, but not one I
} would use. "Subtle and quick to anger?" No, that's ME, your Oracle.
} Ahh, yes, "soggy and hard to light." That's it, almost. Soggy and hard
} to like. Of course.


1539-09    (15462 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I appear to have gotten bent.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So, she kicked you that hard?  I'm surprised you are able to talk at
} all.  Well, I guess you've learned you lesson now:  Never answer a
} question starting with 'Does this make me look...' with "Not worse
} then usual."


1539-10    (82260 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 30 days hath December and other months I can't remember.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good!  Santa's more important anyway.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org