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Internet Oracularities #154

Goto:
154, 154-01, 154-02, 154-03, 154-04, 154-05, 154-06, 154-07, 154-08, 154-09, 154-10


Usenet Oracularities #154    (14 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 6 May 90 18:04:31 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

154   14 votes 33332 35321 22532 12344 13451 03533 05450 55022 18320 14801
154   2.9 mean  2.9   2.5   3.1   3.6   3.1   3.4   3.0   2.4   2.4   2.7


154-01    (33332 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a Shriner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is!
}
}              *
}             / \
}            (***)
}            /   \
}            |* *|
}            | ^ |
}            | = |
}             \ /
}             | |
}
} Here are three and a half (back view)!
}
}    &    &    &     &
}   / \  / \  / \   /
}  (   )(   )(   ) (
}   \ /  \ /  \ /   \
}    (_______________)
}
} And here's another one!
}
}          &
}         &&&
}        &&&&&
}     ///======\\\
}     ||| *  * |||
}     |||   ^  |||
}     //   ---  \\
}    //          \\
}
} And there are two of them making love off in the distance:
}
}   <@===C
}       |
}   <@U=<C
}              ^             ^         ^              ^       ^
} Oh, no!  A ><> school of ><> Shriner <>< fish are ><>swimm><>ing across
} my terminal!
}
} Gee, this terminal is just crawling with Shriners!
}
} You owe the Oracle some Shrine-Off!
}
}     &
}    &&&
}   -----     <<-- Shriner poodle
}  | * * |
}   | A |
}   | = |
}    -U-


154-02    (35321 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, you who are just sooooo tubular...
> What are some good uses for Debi Gibson?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can put her in a bowl and use her as a punch,
} or you can have her serve your mom a lovely twelve-course lunch,
} Or you can have her type your papers and stir-fry your clothes,
} Or even turn your mumblings into finely-polished prose.
} Or she could plant your garden, or she could fix your pipes,
} Or she could comfort you through all your groans and gripes,
} Or she could build a palace, or find your one true love,
} Or she could hold your chalice in a black and silken glove.
} There's much that you might ask her, but one thing you must not:
} You must never ask to join her on her tiny, wooden cot...


154-03    (22532 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gloomy cherub of computerdom, oh sarcastic seer of future events
> tell me this: What will the setlist be for Saturday night of the
> Grateful Dead show in Carson, California be? (I will be REALLY,REALLY
> impressed if you get this one right).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First a little light Brahms, maybe some of the piano songs or a movement
} or two from one of the piano concertos.  Then some Schubert lieder and a
} few atonal pieces (depending on the crowd reaction, I'd start with
} Schoenberg and progress to Stravinski or Phillip Glass).
}
} After the intermission, again, depending on the crowd reaction to the
} first sets, either a little Brecht/Weill medley or perhaps a full set of
} the Carpenter's and Partridge Family's greatest hits.
}
} And, of course, the traditional encore of the "Dies Irae" from Berlioz's
} "Symphonie Fantastique" will certainly leave them screaming for more.
}
} I just hope no one gets burned when they hold up all those lighters.
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of some renaissance choral music and the
} new Metallica CD.


154-04    (12344 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better: QuickC or Turbo C?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither.  But have you tried UpC?  Or DayC?
} Or OopC-DayC?  Or TeenC-WeenC?  Or EenC-MeenC-MineC-MoeC?
} Or PugC-WugC?  Or-- oh fuk it.


154-05    (13451 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, the emptiness of life, the vacuity of the void!  i feel as if I'm
} falling, spinning, whirling, descending into the vortex of nonbeing and
} nullity!  Alas, alas, the world itself dissolves, crumbles,
} disintegrates!  There is nothing!  All is emptiness!  Alas, the void!
} Emptiness!  Woe!


154-06    (03533 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> bl00p?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good job.  Now everyone in the jacuzzi knows you farted.  The
} cute girl you've been talking to for over an hour just got up and
} left, disgusted.  Even your best friend is leaving.  You idiot.
} That's what makes you a nerd.


154-07    (05450 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I fart a lot.  Hundreds of times a day.  I've tried changes in diet
> and exercise, I've tried simethicone tablets, I've tried everything
> I can think of.  Should I give up trying to stop farting, and instead
> try to become the successor to the great Le Petomaine, who had a
> famuos theater act consisting entirely of carfully-modulated farts?
> Or should I try some other remedy -- if so, what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I can't tell you whether you could be Le Petomaine II, because
} you don't say whether or not your farts are "carefully-modulated".
} Of course, there are other entertaining uses of farting.  Farting
} through a cigarette lighter, to produce a rush of flame from your ass,
} is a popular party trick (provided you don't burn the house down).
}
} Commercial uses of farting are becoming popular.  For example, you can
} sell the methane you produce -- or use it yourself to heat your house.
}
} But where the money is these days in room-clearing.  Many organizations
} are willing to pay big bucks to people who, while seemingly suave and
} wholesome, are rather unpleasant to be around.  For example, company
} directors who would rather not face awkward questions at stockholder
} meetings will hire unpleasant people as room-clearers.  But bikers and
} bums are too obvious -- people would suspect something.  But a
} well-dressed farter such as yourself can do the job just as well, and no
} one would suspect the trick.
}
} You owe the Oracle time to leave the building.


154-08    (55022 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Biff Biff Biffy!
> Muff Muff Muffy!
> What's in it for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Biff Biff Biffy!
} Gotta get a gob of "Jiffy"!
} Gotta slob a blob all over Mom
} And tell 'er she looks spiffy!
}
} Muff Muff Muffy!
} Do I look like Patrick Duffy?
} Will I wash my socks and get de-tox'ed
} And feel all warm and fluffy?
}
} Ding Dang a-Dingo!
} Do ya like my Latin lingo?
} Just mash my face in Elmers paste
} And watch me win at bingo!
}
} Well wait a muckin' minute!
} What for YOU is in it?
} Tracie Chapman, Charlie Chaplin,
} And most the House and Senate!
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a lurid video tape.


154-09    (18320 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Irrelevant turquoise incantatory parrot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.


154-10    (14801 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle:
>
> I'm a bit concerned about your high priest, Stephen Kinzler.  I mean, in
> order to select the best oracularities for publication, he has to read
> *all* of them - including the really stupid questions (about woodchucks
> etc) and inane answers (the ones that were written by your janitor) -
> hundreds of them, every day.
>
> Won't this have some adverse effects on his brain, at least in the long
> run?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, S.K.  has a lot of little helpers -- but they have to go through
} all of their chunks of drivel as well.  So you see that you should be
} worried about them as well.
}
} Actually it's no worse than reading talk.bizarre religiously.  Certainly
} it will have some adverse effects on the brains of S.K.  and his
} assistants, but remember that they're all brave volunteers, risking life
} and sanity to glean a few gems out of this huge heap of dung.  They are
} made of stern stuff, these brave, proud few.


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