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Internet Oracularities #1540

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1540, 1540-01, 1540-02, 1540-03, 1540-04, 1540-05, 1540-06, 1540-07, 1540-08, 1540-09, 1540-10


Internet Oracularities #1540    (17 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2014 11:37:05 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1540
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1540  17 votes 25730 04760 18521 14660 15731 48311 32642 25622 13571 23345
1540  2.9 mean  2.6   3.1   2.6   3.0   2.9   2.2   3.0   2.8   3.2   3.4


1540-01    (25730 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who finally is master of his own domain,
>
> What other addresses can I talk to on internetoracle.org?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why don't you simply try some possible ones? Lisa already told me she's
} rejecting mail from most of the supplicants. Zadoc whines that he
} hasn't gotten any, but he's the one who set up the server, and I think
} he spelled his own name wrong. Try adding an extra z or two, randomly.


1540-02    (04760 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I going to get another question centered around misspellings and
> homophones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. You are a supplicant. Supplicants SEND ME questions. Incarnations
} are the ones who have the responsibility of attaching my answers to the
} correct questions.
}
} Just last week I sent ONE incarnation FIVE questions containing
} EIGHTEEN misspellings and SEVEN homophones. He handled the homophones
} very badly, thinking they wanted to get married. He missed seeing
} sixteen of the misspellings, and placed each answer one position off
} from the question to which it belonged. The result was, to my
} incredible delight, five supplicants who were fully bewildered, and
} nearly (but not completely) ready to give up asking stupid, badly
} spelled and homophonic questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle some sort of literary creation in which you make
} onomatopoeia sound as if it were vaguely obscene.


1540-03    (18521 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Puppy dogs!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Live as puppies do ! Like everything is a big adventure.
} And if you get in a stressful situation, if you can't eat and/or play
} with it.
} Pee on it and walk away !


1540-04    (14660 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grandiose and Phlogisticated Oracle, I have sleep disorders, and am
> awake at night and vice-versa. Unfrotunately I asked about this from
> you or somewhere and wrote "sheep" where I meant "sleep". I was pulling
> the wool over my own eyes. The medication has cured me of worms
> (haemonchus contortus) that I didn't have but I still am counting
> sleep. I mean sheep. All night.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, no obvious question here, and what does phlogisticated mean
} anyway? Oh, I see. Several of my enemies have described me as a waste
} of oxygen, so that makes sense, I suppose.
}
} Also, how can you be night at awake? Oh, maybe you could be like Sir
} Terry Wogan at a funeral, although what that means is anyone's guess.
}
} So, from your non-question it appears that you want to get to sleep.
}
} Recommended movies for this are:
} Zzzzzoolander
}
} Night in the Museum: Look, just because I'm an insomniac, doesn't mean
} I have to be a security guard, okay?
}
} The Lord of the Rings trilogy might be useful:
} The Fall-asleep of the Ring
} The Two Torpors
} Return of the Waking
}
} Doze of our Lives
}
} The Legend of Zzzzzoro
}
} I Know What You Did Last Slumber
}
} Catnap on a Hot Tin Roof
}
} Men in Black-out.
}
} Bring me the Bed of Alfredo Garcia
}
} And finally, for when you do get to sleep, Zulu has been remade as:
} Zzzzzzz, oh now you need the loo.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good night's sleep.


1540-05    (15731 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I ordered both EXTRA CHEESE and EXTRA CRUNCHY. Did you know that extra
> crunchy cheese is a poor choice? It's not as bad as the imitation vomit
> covered pistachio shells that I refused to eat, or the Indiana Jones
> live eels that were thankfully never an option, and I did manage to eat
> all of the extra crunchy cheese. Still don't know why it crunched.
>
> What's the worst food an Oracle has to eat, as on some fancy occasion?
> Prince Charles had to eat snails eyeballs or something, and was heard
> to mutter, "The things I do for England."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc's cooking? I mean, the guy means well, but by the time he's
} grovelled before me for 15 minutes, the pasta's boiled over, so he has
} to apologise for that for 20 minutes, so the custard congeals into
} something I wouldn't give to a sick cat.
}
} That's not really fair, though. Most of the time the gifts supplicants
} send me are sufficient to keep me going, although that's mostly just
} because the stuff would go off otherwise. Obviously I have supplicants
} from around the world, some with very odd ideas of what constitutes
} food (although, admittedly, any culture's idea of food is probably
} weird to some culture somewhere). So, without further ado, I give you a
} little ditty called "Food, Supplicants' Food":
}
}     Food, supplicants' food!
}     Hot bulls' blood and Milk Duds!
}     To refuse would be rude,
}     Cold fugu and sea-weed!
}     Ugali and Nattos!
}     I got paid what from this question?!
}     I feed this to the priests as well;
}     Stops dissension!
}
}     Food, supplicants' food!
}     It's best if you fry it.
}     Pecorino Sardo ---
}     Best not to chew it!
}     Just picture bats on a stick --
}     Flies, toasted or brewed
}     Oh, food,
}     Appalling food,
}     Disgusting food,
}     Foul-tasting food.
}
}     Food, supplicants' food!
}     Anyone for Vieux Boulogne?
}     Coffee that's been pooed --
}     Does anyone want some?
}     Smalahove's up for dessert!
}     Some Nantaimori?
}     Piled durian and spleen, just
}     Stinking high!
}
} You owe the Oracle some money so he can do his own shopping next time.


1540-06    (48311 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think I was confused about "red herring" versus "blue heron" but the
> other side was far more comfortable. Or did I mean the other size?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd like that; it isn't easy going green.


1540-07    (32642 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is http so horrible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Otherwise it would just be ttp.


1540-08    (25622 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> New Evidence!!! The words "birth" and "truth" both end with th. So also
> does "with." We can now be sure that the cover-up about 0bama is a lie
> and the eventual exposure of records, 45 RPM, not old 78s, will tell us
> what we always wanted to hear!!!!! How can we get this thing
> overexposed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To expose it, just bring it out in the open.
}
} To overexpose it, just bring it out in the open in a bright orange
} bikini; people always ignore that part.


1540-09    (13571 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I appreciate the postcard, but next time, may I have a candy bar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have considered your business plan, and compared it to a whiskey bar.
}
} Pro:
} * More convenient opening hours, won't have to work all night all
}   weekends.
} * Clientele will probably act in a more grown up manner.
} * Less competition.
}
} Con:
} * Less profit margin.  (Who would want to pay $10-$20 for a candy?)
} * Clientele dependent on parents' wallet and permission.
} * Way worse muzak.
}
} All in all, since most of the pros will benefit the barkeep (not me)
} and most of the cons will hurt the investor (me), I have decided to
} put my money somewhere else.
}
} You owe the Oracle a high yield.


1540-10    (23345 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wasn't expecting any surprises!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Oracle loads entire Spanish Inquisition into his trebuchet.]


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