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20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:47:12 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1541

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1541, 1541-01, 1541-02, 1541-03, 1541-04, 1541-05, 1541-06, 1541-07, 1541-08, 1541-09, 1541-10


Internet Oracularities #1541    (19 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 18:17:56 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1541
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1541  19 votes 01846 05554 06454 36451 23752 16444 65611 12862 23482 01459
1541  3.3 mean  3.8   3.4   3.4   2.7   3.1   3.2   2.3   3.3   3.3   4.2


1541-01    (01846 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A penguin walks through that door right now wearing a sombrero. What
> does he say and why is he here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He's here to inspect the doors.  He asks, "Why is that door wearing a
} sombrero?"


1541-02    (05554 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why, oh why, did I ever decide to major in philophosy? We're supposed
> to be learning about Immanuel Kant. "Kan't" is more like it. I can't
> figure him out at all. The more I read the less I know. Is he a
> scientist or a mystic? Plato's World of Forms, as crazy as it is, makes
> more sense.
>
> Does everything really reduce to a French Absurdist Play of the 20th
> Century, perhaps La Cantatrice Chauve, by Ionesco?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your lack of understanding is likely due to the fact that you are a
} philo-pho-sy major, which the Oracle can only assume is a fusion of
} Vietnamese cuisine and the art of thinking. What you must understand in
} order to understand philosophy is that philosophy is not meant to be
} understood - it is, in fact, the world's longest-running hybrid of
} practical joke and party game. To begin playing Philosophy, you will
} first need a copy of the rules. They are as follows:
}
} Rule 1 - Making a philosophy is defined as writing a lengthy, dense
} diatribe on an abstract subject that can never be proven or disproven.
} Your initial score is determined by word count and by impenetrability
} as defined by a panel of judges. How are the judges determined? If you
} can determine who the judges are, your philosophy fails on the grounds
} that it is not dense enough.
}
} Rule 2 - Your philosophy cannot have any concrete value to anyone, at
} any time. Should anyone be able to generate anything of actual value
} using your philosophy, you are disqualified.
}
} Rule 3 - Bonus points are awarded for each accepted academic paper
} written about your philosophy, which are doubled if any of those papers
} form their own philosophies. How many bonus points? Like the judges, if
} you can ever determine how many, your philosophy fails.
}
} Rule 4 - Revealing any of these rules to outsiders is considered to be
} poor form for non-players, and an offense punishable by
} disqualification for anyone playing the game.
}
} As for your second question, La Cantatrice Chauve is definitely on the
} high-score list, but is nowhere near being the highest scorer of all
} time. That would go to the people who invented string theory. However,
} the Oracle encourages you to attempt your own entry into the game of
} Philosophy using your specialized major. Perhaps you could start with a
} theory that if you really look at it, everything is just like a warm
} bowl of pho.
}
} You owe the Oracle one bowl of pho with extra beef.


1541-03    (06454 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the essence
> of adolescence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Belief in immortality in spite of one's immorality.
} "Hey, guys, watch this!"


1541-04    (36451 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sometimes we even succeed in failure. The original plan was that I'd
> hire a coach who would help me get my life organized. Someone, perhaps
> it was you, pointed out that a railway coach is expensive to hire. I'd
> be paying for unused seats, so why not hire a single seat instead?
>
> Like most advice I receive, that sounded quite good. But I did need
> extra seating for two or three friends, so, I thought to myself, three
> seats in a sofa, or couch.
>
> So instead of hiring a coach I've hired a couch.
>
> I still don't know who to get my life organized. Can you help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I certainly can!  I may have to grow a few potatoes on that couch,
} though; this can be hard work.


1541-05    (23752 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was she kidding? Or should I do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kidding is done by female goats. Pregnant female goats. They usually
} seek a secluded area, away from predators. That means it is unusual to
} see them kidding, so I can understand your perplexity.
}
} No, you should not try it, because I have it on good authority that you
} are not a pregnant female goat.


1541-06    (16444 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Christians say the Father and the Son are one.  Are you also one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Christians say Trinity
} Is their Divinity:
} The Father, the Son, and the Ghost.
}
} The Supplicant's Oracle
} Sails in a coracle,
} And sea water dampens his toast.
}
} Look! His religion'll
} Be more original...
} ... connection was dropped by the host.


1541-07    (65611 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't speak
} I know just what you're saying
} So please stop explaining
} Don't tell me cause it hurts
}
} Ooh....
}
} You owe the Oracle a Doubt.


1541-08    (12862 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> She said it was her "time of the month" - what did that mean?  I
> thought I knew, but I was wrong.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Thyme of the Month." It's a paid-membership service for herb
} collectors and cooks. They send you some kind of edible leaves. The
} hazards are obvious.


1541-09    (23482 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> const minimumGrovelCount = 254;
>
> for(int i = 0; i<minimumGrovelCount; i++)
> {
>  string grovelString = getGrovelString(random(minimumGrovelCount));
>  console.write(grovelString);
> }
>
> console.write(getexistentialquestion(rating.awesome,
> demeanertype.funny));
>
> while(waitforanswer)
> {
>  sleep(5000);
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Several problems. Here are a few:
}
} The numbers are too small--a bigger grovel count and a longer wait
} period are needed.
}
} The algorithm as specified can return, bu chance, too many copies of
} identical grovels. Originality counts in grovelling, you know. Perhaps
} you should use getOriginalGrovelString() instead.
}
} You might also try to ensure that each grovel string is terminated or
} is limited in some other way to a finite length.


1541-10    (01459 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I get out of high school I want to be a pundit. They get mentioned
> in the news allot like politicians and bombers and soldiers but I don't
> think they have to kill people. Can you tell me some good ones to get
> me started? All I have now is that stale one about "no pun in ten did."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When I was young, I wanted to be a pop star. I was Adam Ant.
}
} Later I changed my mind and wanted to be a DJ, until my friends told me
} to jacket.
}
} Then I wanted to become a mathematician. It was an integral part of my
} life.
}
} I told my career advisor I wanted to become a chemist. No reaction.
}
} She suggested I became a telescope manufacturer instead. I said I'd
} look into it.
}
} I took a temp job making mirrors for telescopes, but my first one went
} wrong. It reflected badly on me.
}
} At university, I wanted to be a historian until I realised there was no
} future in it.
}
} I took a part time job in a Greek restaurant. I had a smashing time.
}
} I had a job as transport manager for an orchestra. That took a lot of
} brass.
}
} I was a magician's assistant for about a year before I decided I didn't
} like being tied down.
}
} I worked in an Apple store for a while before the sexism drove me out.
} It wasn't very PC.
}
} In the end I wanted to become a priest until I learned I wouldn't make
} a prophet.
}
} Then I became a philosopher. At last I had found my Nietzsche.
}
} You owe the Oracle a career map for a cartographer.


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