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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm a bit old for my age; how do I fix this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simply use the Oracle's patent and proprietary method for Age } Adjustment.  Remember to use the (also proprietary) } PayKinzler payment service to pay  me for your Adjustment. } Payment must be received for Adjustment to work.  The } Internet Oracle and Stephen B. Kinzler take absolutely no } responsibility for any failures occurring if Adjustment is } attempted without first making payment. The aforementioned } also bear no responsibility for Adjustments or consequences } thereof whether payment was made or not. } } Enter your age in centimeters. } Convert to furlongs per fortnight. } Using ambihelical hexnuts (not provided) secure the result into the } output register, whilst ensuring that you DO NOT CUT the } blue wire.  Start the timer. } Compute your circumference in milliseconds per conversion factor. } Hold your left hand in front of your mouth for the next step to } protect your teeth. } Release the ambihelical hexnuts. } } Oops. Sorry about that. I TOLD YOU not to cut the blue wire. You are } now six years old, but that won't help you much because you } have become a bottle of Scotch whisky. } } You owe the Oracle a drink.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have just discovered that the Greeks speak Greek and that in spite > of difficulties that make Greek as incomprehensible as French, they > have always spoken Greek. Smart dudes, the Greeks. My problem is that > from what I can tell they had Attic Greek, and I have found no mention > of other kinds that I have looked for, including Kitchen Greek, Hall > Closet Greek and Basement Greek. (I can understand why nobody mentions > Bedroom Greek and Bathroom Greek, even though those kinds must have > existed.) > > Why only Attic Greek? What was so important about Greek attics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you recall from your ancient Greek class (or did you sleep through } that, too), Greece was looted and pillaged by the Romans at the end } of the golden age of Greece and the beginning of the golden age of } Rome.  No coincidence there, right? } } All of the texts in the abovementioned Greek languages were stored } in the basement of an Italian restaurant in Rome, Michigan, hence the } names Basement Greek and  Kitchen Greek. They were all destroyed } in a fire that started in a nearby frat house when a pledge, in a } drunken stupor, (details omitted) , hence the name Bathroom Greek. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the works of Aristotle in Alcove Greek.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For the past two months, the Oracle has been better than I rememeber.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You had better improve your memory. How could you forget the time I was } in Cancun? You remember the tribute you owed, not to me, but like this } ... "Usted debe al Jefe de la Policia 50,000 pesos para liberar el } Oraculo..." } } Anyway, thanks for bribing the Cancun Police. Even if you HAD } forgotten.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How tall is space?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This tall: } } Even taller on the moon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise ... Um, how retro is all this, anyway? > > That is all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do }    Print "It's this retro." } Loop until satisfied.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Swoosh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Out of the desert night comes the superhero we have all been } eagerly awaiting. Bitten by a scorpion that became radioactive } in the uranium mines on the Navajo reservation in the 1950s, } Scorpionman stands for all that is good and just and ... um ... } good. } } With the ability to sneak around in the dark (unless someone } has a blacklight) he stings bad guys and evildoers and ... um ... } bad guys, making all of Arizona a safer place for us all. } } When we hear that sound, we know ... what? ... it's not? ... Oh. } } You owe the Oracle a swoosh that's not a Nike logo and some } better candidates for the upcoming gubernatorial election

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone used to complain about my vague questions.  Is he gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can you be more specific?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You probably know me as the guy who asks for help in incarnating. > Please give me some incarnating exercises.  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Stand on a pile of firewood. } 2) Douse yourself in gasoline. } 3) Ask the Oracle 'How much wood would....' } } Oh wait, that's incineration.  My mistake.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > Please use the word "bathos" in a theoretical physics paper. > > Thank you, > A. Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Title: Discriminating between tau and zeta photons in a colloidal } protein detector } } Abstract: Extensive use of customized software in the BATHOS operating } system on a retro-reversed 8080 computer system, with a } solidified-yoich detector, was expected to reveal significant results. } Analysis of several years of data has thus far failed to detect any } difference between tau photons and zeta photons, none of which were } actually observed. Data produced by the theoretical model suggests } further research is needed. Relocation of the project to Tel Aviv and } re-engineering to discriminate gimel and daleth photons during climate } change (a requirement for additional funding) is proposed. } } You owe the Oracle a sure-fire method to get goyim to laugh at Mel } Brooks' "Posher for Kassover" Hebrew lettering on his "American Indian" } headdress in Blazing Saddles.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm in need of tremendous help with equivocation, something at which > you are an expert, seeing as to how that it is that you know goddam > nearly everything. > > You, of course are immortal. It sort of goes along with the > omniscience, and you wisely avoided the omnipotence that curses God. > (The curse, as you already know, is the Problem of Evil: "If God's so > omnipotent, as well as omniscient, then why is there Evil? Surely God's > not incompetent to get rid of it? Surely He knows it's there?") Anyway, > you don't have that problem, but have others instead, such as stupid > supplicants (me) and stupid incarnations (the Episcopalian Troll, and > the Stupid Toothbrush Guy, for example). > > Anyway, anyway, MY problem right now is the 750-word paper on The > Immortal Soul. The professor spelled it The Immortal Sole on the > handout, so I'm going to stick with that equivocal spelling. (Heh-heh!) > That brings us to my strange request... > > You, as an immortal, have immortal feet. They, in turn, have immortal > soles. Please tell me about them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial } intelligence; "smart shoes", they were called. It was a neat idea: No } matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. } But he got rattled one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in } Burma. You see, his shoes got bored going from his local to his flat. } They wanted to see the world, you know. } } He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them } to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but } they just kicked the door down. } } The last thing I heard, they sort of... robbed a car and drove it into } a canal. They couldn't steer, you see. } } Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a } priest. The priest told him it was alright and all that. The shoes were } happy and they'd gone to heaven. } } You see, it turns out shoes have souls.