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Internet Oracularities #1542

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1542, 1542-01, 1542-02, 1542-03, 1542-04, 1542-05, 1542-06, 1542-07, 1542-08, 1542-09, 1542-10


Internet Oracularities #1542    (18 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Fri, 03 Oct 2014 07:46:01 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1542
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1542  18 votes 05274 16821 24651 16461 17541 03d20 21375 04653 22761 03933
1542  3.2 mean  3.6   2.8   2.9   3.0   2.8   2.9   3.7   3.4   3.1   3.3


1542-01    (05274 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dan@klein.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm a bit old for my age; how do I fix this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simply use the Oracle's patent and proprietary method for Age
} Adjustment.  Remember to use the (also proprietary)
} PayKinzler payment service to pay  me for your Adjustment.
} Payment must be received for Adjustment to work.  The
} Internet Oracle and Stephen B. Kinzler take absolutely no
} responsibility for any failures occurring if Adjustment is
} attempted without first making payment. The aforementioned
} also bear no responsibility for Adjustments or consequences
} thereof whether payment was made or not.
}
} Enter your age in centimeters.
} Convert to furlongs per fortnight.
} Using ambihelical hexnuts (not provided) secure the result into the
} output register, whilst ensuring that you DO NOT CUT the
} blue wire.  Start the timer.
} Compute your circumference in milliseconds per conversion factor.
} Hold your left hand in front of your mouth for the next step to
} protect your teeth.
} Release the ambihelical hexnuts.
}
} Oops. Sorry about that. I TOLD YOU not to cut the blue wire. You are
} now six years old, but that won't help you much because you
} have become a bottle of Scotch whisky.
}
} You owe the Oracle a drink.


1542-02    (16821 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have just discovered that the Greeks speak Greek and that in spite
> of difficulties that make Greek as incomprehensible as French, they
> have always spoken Greek. Smart dudes, the Greeks. My problem is that
> from what I can tell they had Attic Greek, and I have found no mention
> of other kinds that I have looked for, including Kitchen Greek, Hall
> Closet Greek and Basement Greek. (I can understand why nobody mentions
> Bedroom Greek and Bathroom Greek, even though those kinds must have
> existed.)
>
> Why only Attic Greek? What was so important about Greek attics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you recall from your ancient Greek class (or did you sleep through
} that, too), Greece was looted and pillaged by the Romans at the end
} of the golden age of Greece and the beginning of the golden age of
} Rome.  No coincidence there, right?
}
} All of the texts in the abovementioned Greek languages were stored
} in the basement of an Italian restaurant in Rome, Michigan, hence the
} names Basement Greek and  Kitchen Greek. They were all destroyed
} in a fire that started in a nearby frat house when a pledge, in a
} drunken stupor, (details omitted) , hence the name Bathroom Greek.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the works of Aristotle in Alcove Greek.


1542-03    (24651 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For the past two months, the Oracle has been better than I rememeber.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You had better improve your memory. How could you forget the time I was
} in Cancun? You remember the tribute you owed, not to me, but like this
} ... "Usted debe al Jefe de la Policia 50,000 pesos para liberar el
} Oraculo..."
}
} Anyway, thanks for bribing the Cancun Police. Even if you HAD
} forgotten.


1542-04    (16461 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How tall is space?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This tall:
}
} Even taller on the moon.


1542-05    (17541 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise ... Um, how retro is all this, anyway?
>
> That is all.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do
}    Print "It's this retro."
} Loop until satisfied.


1542-06    (03d20 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Swoosh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Out of the desert night comes the superhero we have all been
} eagerly awaiting. Bitten by a scorpion that became radioactive
} in the uranium mines on the Navajo reservation in the 1950s,
} Scorpionman stands for all that is good and just and ... um ...
} good.
}
} With the ability to sneak around in the dark (unless someone
} has a blacklight) he stings bad guys and evildoers and ... um ...
} bad guys, making all of Arizona a safer place for us all.
}
} When we hear that sound, we know ... what? ... it's not? ... Oh.
}
} You owe the Oracle a swoosh that's not a Nike logo and some
} better candidates for the upcoming gubernatorial election


1542-07    (21375 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone used to complain about my vague questions.  Is he gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can you be more specific?


1542-08    (04653 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You probably know me as the guy who asks for help in incarnating.
> Please give me some incarnating exercises.  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Stand on a pile of firewood.
} 2) Douse yourself in gasoline.
} 3) Ask the Oracle 'How much wood would....'
}
} Oh wait, that's incineration.  My mistake.


1542-09    (22761 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Please use the word "bathos" in a theoretical physics paper.
>
> Thank you,
> A. Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Title: Discriminating between tau and zeta photons in a colloidal
} protein detector
}
} Abstract: Extensive use of customized software in the BATHOS operating
} system on a retro-reversed 8080 computer system, with a
} solidified-yoich detector, was expected to reveal significant results.
} Analysis of several years of data has thus far failed to detect any
} difference between tau photons and zeta photons, none of which were
} actually observed. Data produced by the theoretical model suggests
} further research is needed. Relocation of the project to Tel Aviv and
} re-engineering to discriminate gimel and daleth photons during climate
} change (a requirement for additional funding) is proposed.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sure-fire method to get goyim to laugh at Mel
} Brooks' "Posher for Kassover" Hebrew lettering on his "American Indian"
} headdress in Blazing Saddles.


1542-10    (03933 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm in need of tremendous help with equivocation, something at which
> you are an expert, seeing as to how that it is that you know goddam
> nearly everything.
>
> You, of course are immortal. It sort of goes along with the
> omniscience, and you wisely avoided the omnipotence that curses God.
> (The curse, as you already know, is the Problem of Evil: "If God's so
> omnipotent, as well as omniscient, then why is there Evil? Surely God's
> not incompetent to get rid of it? Surely He knows it's there?") Anyway,
> you don't have that problem, but have others instead, such as stupid
> supplicants (me) and stupid incarnations (the Episcopalian Troll, and
> the Stupid Toothbrush Guy, for example).
>
> Anyway, anyway, MY problem right now is the 750-word paper on The
> Immortal Soul. The professor spelled it The Immortal Sole on the
> handout, so I'm going to stick with that equivocal spelling. (Heh-heh!)
> That brings us to my strange request...
>
> You, as an immortal, have immortal feet. They, in turn, have immortal
> soles. Please tell me about them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial
} intelligence; "smart shoes", they were called. It was a neat idea: No
} matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home.
} But he got rattled one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in
} Burma. You see, his shoes got bored going from his local to his flat.
} They wanted to see the world, you know.
}
} He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them
} to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but
} they just kicked the door down.
}
} The last thing I heard, they sort of... robbed a car and drove it into
} a canal. They couldn't steer, you see.
}
} Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a
} priest. The priest told him it was alright and all that. The shoes were
} happy and they'd gone to heaven.
}
} You see, it turns out shoes have souls.


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