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19 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:02:26 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1543

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1543, 1543-01, 1543-02, 1543-03, 1543-04, 1543-05, 1543-06, 1543-07, 1543-08, 1543-09, 1543-10


Internet Oracularities #1543    (18 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2014 17:02:18 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1543
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1543  18 votes 14742 15570 02556 12546 54351 12924 53280 02772 36441 04752
1543  3.2 mean  3.1   3.0   3.8   3.7   2.6   3.3   2.7   3.5   2.7   3.3


1543-01    (14742 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please sing me the William Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell Overture.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, the lyrics were lost long ago. The tune however, was
} reused as the overture to "The Same-Sex Marriage of Figaro and Pierre".


1543-02    (15570 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now that the Climate March in NYC is over it is cold. Unseasonably
> unseasonable. I guess it worked. What is the next activist thing now
> that climbate debate is over?
>
> Oh and with capitalism dead like they said, when do I get my share of
> stuff? The capitalists have alot of stuff and I need allot of stuff.
> How long do I weight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's really 2 questions.
}
} First, just wait until Climate April. Everything will be just fine
} then.
}
} Second, capitalism is dead because of Twitter. Nobody properly
} capitalizes anymore. Such uncivilized heathens with their lowercaseism.


1543-03    (02556 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have problems with 2 US Senators. I have 2 write 2 papers, 1 on
> Senator Gore and 1 on Senator McCarthy.
>
> The first 1 (for my American Studies class) is about McCarthy and what
> he did as Chairman of the House Committee on Un-American Activities. I
> asked you before an you said I had finished it already but I didn't.
>
> The 2nd one (for Computers for Non-Technical Majors) is about how
> Senator Gore invented the Internet. I looked on Wikipedia and the
> Internte started as the ARPANet about 1969. Gore got to be Senator in
> 1985. Maybe it's sposed to be his father, also Senator Gore, who was a
> Senator in 1969.
>
> Anyway, you can explain all these things and good enough that I can put
> the words into the papers and get a A or at least a passing grade. For
> which I can't thnak you enough. Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately you have happened upon a British incarnation, who is
} un-American by definition. What follows may be somewhat confused.
}
} Between 1949 and 1954 Senator McCarthy headed three bodies in charge of
} rooting out Communicationists. These were called the House Committee on
} Communication Perversions (HCCP, later known as HTTP), the Senate
} Internet Security Subcommittee, and the Senate Permanent Subcommittee
} on Inveigling.
}
} McCarthy had heard of the invention of the Internet by Karl Marx, who
} later gave his name to the Hierarchical Traitors Marxist Language, or
} HTML for short. McCarthy realised that, since HTTP was a state-free
} communication strategy, it was pushing for the overthrow of the United
} States, and could undermine American life as he knew it. He therefore
} started a series of investigations into un-American activities, which
} were designed to discover citizens who were not loyal to the USA. On
} account of the citizens being caught in this drag-net (not to be
} confused with stockings for transvestites), they were often referred to
} as netizens.
}
} The main question of these investigations was famously: "Are you now,
} or have you ever been, party to internet communications?" Many in the
} entertainment industry, who were keen for their films and music to be
} freely available to everyone (via the Redistribution of Internet
} Archives Association (RIAA)), were caught up in this mess.
}
} Every day, lists would be posted of those who had been found guilty of
} un-American activities, and everyone was forbidden from doing business
} with them. This practice was known as Duns Blacklisting, after the
} philosopher Duns Scotus (Dunce of Scotland).
}
} Eventually, of course, McCarthyism was stopped.
}
} And so it was, in 1969, that Senator Gore (father of the father of an
} inconvenient truth about socialist climate change) rediscovered the
} unbridled communication possibilities afforded by the Internet. He
} publicised these, but did so on the Internet, which was then only
} accessible to three Amish heretics and a shopkeeper in Salt Lake City.
}
} Ever since, the Internet has been used primarily for good.
}
} You owe the Oracle an essay on the fishing conflicts between the USSR
} and the USA which started around Christmas 1948, entitled "The Cod
} (Noel) War".


1543-04    (12546 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I sometimes get an answer unrelated to my question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, they're related. You just don't see it.
}
} Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
} To get to the other side.
}
} Why don't we do it in the road?
} All you need is love.
}
} Does anybody really know what time it is?
} Twenty five or six to four.
}
} Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
} I had too much to dream last night.
}
} Where have all the flowers gone?
} In Flanders fields the poppies blow...
}
} Who ya gonna call?
} BEachwood 45789
}
} You talkin' to me?
} It's more the way that you mean it
} When you tell me what will be.
}
}  Why do I sometimes get an answer unrelated to my question?
} Sometimes you ask the wrong question.


1543-05    (54351 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that Zadoc was originally the Biblical Zadok?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nope, he just says that to try to pick up chicks.


1543-06    (12924 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to deal with the pain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way to deal with the pain is to always be prepared. Have the
} half-million ready in the suitcase, in unmarked and non-sequential
} hundred-dollar bills. The pain is known for having an itchy trigger
} finger and doesn't like waiting for its money. It'll tell you not to
} bring any weapons and that you'll be patted down at the entrance, but
} bring your knife anyway - the pain likes it when its clients have the
} chutzpah to bring a knife to a potential gunfight. Drop the suitcase in
} the back of the truck, and wait for it to give you the okay before you
} back out. If you've done everything right, you'll find the package from
} the pain in the alley behind the convenience store, taped underneath
} the bumper of an unmarked black van. If you haven't, you'll have to
} deal with some pain.
}
} You owe the Oracle half of the diamonds.


1543-07    (53280 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHOA.  That's a lotta zeroes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111
}
} There, now you have some ones for them to play with.


1543-08    (02772 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sigh.  What haven't you done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Paid my electricity bill. Posting this from the library.


1543-09    (36441 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> NO offense.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Totally, they sucked. Can't have all defense or you'll never score a
} goal.


1543-10    (04752 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is, I fear, a real question, not like the fanciful blather about
> marmots and wombats you usually see.
>
> If you'll examine the website for any random county in the US, it's
> likely you'll find that every subpage is constructed to follow the
> organization of the county's departments. Suppose you are looking for
> the regulations on walking your dog in the park. Using the "search"
> facility you look for "dogs" and get only a pointer to a PDF of a
> lovely brochure mentioning the number of dogs registered in the county
> in the year 1997.
>
> Undeterred, you check out these spots, digging down into each one:
> - County Departments > Recreational Facilities > Parks and Golf Courses
> Parks > Regulations [NOTHING THERE]
> - County Departments > Sheriff's Department > Public Facilities >
> Detention > Animal Control [NOTHING THERE]
> > - County Court System > Laws & Regulations (massive PDF that loads
> badly) [PROBABLY NOTHING THERE]
> - County Commissioners > Published Procedures > Meeting Records >
> [PROBABLY NOTHING THERE, shows only 1998 to 2007]
> - County Administrator > Law Office > Miscellaneous Regulatory Orders >
> Dogs [BINGO! No permit required.]
>
> Later, after being given given a ticket by the Park Officer for walking
> your dog without a permit, you hunt on the website further and
> discover:
>
> - County Administrator > Journal > 2004 > Canine permit requirement
> (record not found)
> - County Administrator > Journal > 2005 > Canine permit requirement
> ("rescinded")
> - County Administrator > Journal > 2012 > Canine permit requirement
> ("see 2004")
>
> Can we try understanding, once again, why ignorance of the law is no
> excuse, even though simply READING the law cannot be accomplished in a
> lifetime of effort?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle tried doing research on your county's laws, but ended up
} getting really pissed at you for tricking him into such a task and
} wanting to punish you.  I therefore went to your web page, and I'm
} happy to tell you that there's NOTHING there stating that covering a
} squirrel in soot and throwing it into your livingroom while your dog
} is there is prohibited or even unwanted.  I'm therefore assuming it
} would be OK to do so.
}
} You owe yourself some time to clean up afterwards.


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