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24 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 10:16:52 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1544

Goto:
1544, 1544-01, 1544-02, 1544-03, 1544-04, 1544-05, 1544-06, 1544-07, 1544-08, 1544-09, 1544-10


Internet Oracularities #1544    (19 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Wed, 12 Nov 2014 18:02:29 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1544
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1544  19 votes 17632 35740 01a53 37243 13393 02665 45721 16561 04771 08a10
1544  3.1 mean  2.9   2.6   3.5   2.8   3.5   3.7   2.5   3.0   3.3   2.6


1544-01    (17632 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> sharks sharks sharks sharks sharks sharks sharks sharks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm, something seems fishy about this question.


1544-02    (35740 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm pretty well fed up with the voice-to-text gizmo I bought, and I'm
> whining to you about it (and asking your advice) because my mother
> turned on the electric mixer when I started talking, and my dad got
> into his truck and drove away. Oh well, at least they have stopped
> telling me I whine too much.
>
> So I wanted to record the lyrics to Camelot, the musical about King
> Autor and his 1001 Arabian Knights of the Round Table. First thing that
> my stupid gizmo got wrong was the title. "Camel lot" it spelled, like
> it was Honest Abdul's Used Camel Lot.
>
> The verse was worse. "By eight the morning fog must disappear" became
> "I ate the morning frog and disappeared." At first I suspected that
> your regular dirty work was afoot, because I could not see either you
> or my morning frog.
>
> I got an answer in French from you three months ago. You didn't eat my
> morning frog, did you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you disappointed with what the output was? That's a perfect
} translation of what the mixer said, so you should probably listen to
} it. That gizmo's pretty smart.


1544-03    (01a53 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most abstract, What is the message in the William Tell Overture?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An apple a day keeps the coroner nearby.


1544-04    (37243 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best wsy to av0id serius drain bamage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How should I know? I'm just a helicopter.


1544-05    (13393 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A person who has _____ can do anything.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} hallucinations


1544-06    (02665 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Father George, our local priest at the Catholic church, says I should
> be more attentive to the problem of Original Sin.
>
> Well, I confess to him every week, like I'm supposed to, and often I
> make up some sins to keep him interested, because I'm not really
> sinning very much. It is getting rather boring, telling him about my
> drinking and my playing poker, when I don't actually do those things,
> and then telling him the next week about my lying to him during
> confession.
>
> So Father George is correct. I need some Original Sins. What ones do
> you recommend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go big or go home. When you're coming up with the most original of
} sins, there is a major need to be, well, original. Unfortunately, the
} incredible length and breadth of human history behind you makes this
} incredibly difficult. Your best bet is to take one of the major
} *existing *categories of sin, and add one of the major *intensifiers*
} of sin that would not normally go with it.
}
} For example, take a simple ACT OF THEFT but apply an extra layer of
} LOST DIGNITY. Take a PERVERSE SEXUAL ACT and tack on some OCCULT
} BEHAVIORS. Or go with the tried and true COVETING OF YOUR NEIGHBOR'S
} (x) and add a modern twist of ILL-DEFINED DIGITAL 'ABUSE'.
}
} In no time, your priest will be assigning tens or hundreds of obscure
} Latinate prayers due to... (*contemplates variables*) the time you
} stole a sex toy from a relative... in order to invoke a South Asian
} demon-spirit so that using it felt like... the shifter-handle of your
} boss' new car that you saw while stalking his Facebook.
}
} Good luck and good sinning! Well. Bad sinning. But you know what I
} mean.
}
} --In girum imus nocte et consumimur ignI--


1544-07    (45721 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> How was it established?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By Henry VIII, by his royal decree, thumbing his royal nose at the
} Pope, dissolving the monasteries in 1536.
}
} You owe the Oracle some respect for his Oracular nose, like perhaps
} some decent grovelling. Please? It's not polite to point. Particularly
} if you snicker up your sleeve like that.


1544-08    (16561 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You say I have a gift?  What is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a special gift deep within your heart. You must open it to find
} out what it is.
}
} I'd lay down a tarp first.


1544-09    (04771 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sigh.  I'm not as good at videogames as I used to be.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't worry; those video games are not as good as they used to be,
} either.
}
} You owe the Oracle the source code (on a FIO-DEC punched paper tape)
} for the original Spacewar! as played at MIT on a PDP-1. You also owe
} the Oracle an operating PDP-1, complete with the knobs and buttons for
} playing spacewar. Don't forget a paper-tape reader.


1544-10    (08a10 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> &#8704;?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} &forall;
}
} In Australia it looks like this: A
}
} You owe the Oracle a dissertation on the question of whether or not
} the character &#10674; is in Danish (or possibly Norwegian) with
} reasoning that suggests all Scandinavians are crazy because they
} have alphabets with funny rings and slashes over and through their
} letters. Include examples from any Australian Swedes you can find,
} but do not mention the jokes Danes tell about the Skaane region of
} Sweden. Suggest 13 new Scandinavian letters and 58 new mathematical
} symbols purportedly based on those letters. Or vice-versa.


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