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22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:42:28 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1545

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1545, 1545-01, 1545-02, 1545-03, 1545-04, 1545-05, 1545-06, 1545-07, 1545-08, 1545-09, 1545-10


Internet Oracularities #1545    (18 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Thu, 11 Dec 2014 09:01:14 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1545
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1545  18 votes 66510 15732 15840 21735 35631 17442 14733 33516 26631 13932
1545  2.9 mean  2.1   3.0   2.8   3.4   2.7   2.9   3.2   3.2   2.7   3.1


1545-01    (66510 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Might I recommend a more beautiful mustache?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dude, give it up.  Nothing you can do is going to make Mitch McConnel
} look less like a turtle.


1545-02    (15732 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most fantabulous,
>
> What are the top ten questions you've ever been asked.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas my child, in my many-millennia of existence, I have been asked
} countless questions.  I have been asked about the wonders of life, love
} and how they might be intertwixed.  I have been asked about the ghost
} of McCarthy and the memories of Nixon (Mr. Waters was most perplexed).
} I have been asked about hairballs and sealing wax and the sails of
} schooners.
}
} Many were the queries regarding longevity and the true value of tined
} wires.  I have been asked about the question to the answer to the
} meaning of life, the universe and everything so many times, I have a
} separate website devoted to answering it!
}
} In fact, there have been only three questions that I have yet to be
} asked. I'm looking forward to being asked these three questions,
} because:
}
} A) I can finally fill my questions bingo card, and
} B) I can then retire.
}
} So, without further ado and no more gilding of the lily, I present to
} you the final three questions that I have never, ever been asked.
}
} 3. "Is the Ubangi pronunciation for sexual intercourse with a wombat
}    'click ungwa toobi CLICK click,' or 'click ungwa toobi click CLICK?'
} 2. "What, me worry?"
} 1. "What the hell DOES Prince mean when he sings about Purple Rain?  I
}    want to be able to raise MY hands too!"
}
} You owe the Oracle the answer to the above three questions.  I mean,
} seriously, what the hell IS purple rain?  Do I really want to know??


1545-03    (15840 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can you be so clam all the time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I spend my spare time (what there is of it) reading "The Virtue of
} Shellfishness" by Any Rand.


1545-04    (21735 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sorry, my mispelling in the previous version of this questoinwas wrong.
>
> Why is it that somewords in the English language are okay when
> runtogether while some defiant elyare not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because:
}
} "Phonetics" is not the study of why people gesticulate while talking to
} someone who can't see them.
}
} "Cudgel" is not a lotion produced from a cow's stomach contents.
}
} "Cornet" does not mean "Wow! It's a fishing net!"
}
} "Banking" is not the battle-cry of those desiring their nation to
} become a republic.
}
} "Subtext" is not a communication of 140 characters between underwater
} vehicles.
}
} "Warlock" is not a method of preventing entry to an armoury.
}
} "Tornado" is not the fuss caused by ripping something.
}
} "Lime-scale" is not a very specific weighing machine.
}
} "Template" is not an unpunctual intern.
}
} "Sexton" is not a description of a philanderer's activities.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to go back in time and remind the owners of
} the web-sites "Pen Island" and "Experts Exchange" of the problems of
} concatenating words.


1545-05    (35631 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please explain the normative and regulative principles.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A normative principle is a claim as to something that the
} claimant wishes were so, e.g. "The world would be a better place
} if pain-in-the-ass supplicants would stop bothering me," or "The
} world would be a better place if more supplicants would contact me
} with interesting questions."  The statement is subjective in nature
} and cannot be proven nor disproven as it is essentially a statement
} of opinion.
}
} The regulative principle is itself a normative principle since it
} concerns what is proper with respect to public worship. Since the idea
} of worship, filing requests before an unproven and unknown alleged
} deity (as opposed to filing requests before a proven and known The
} Oracle), the decision on what is proper in public prayer requires faith
} in the existence of said deity to receive such prayers in the first
} place, or why I speak to the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Invisible
} Pink Unicorn since I know them personally as opposed to praying to
} them since I don't have to depend upon a faith and a belief in them.
}
} You owe The Oracle a bag of cement, so you may provide a concrete
} example of your thanks.


1545-06    (17442 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me all about the new south whales. I need them for school.
> I think they are in Austria. Or somewhere.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are at Buckingham Palace in England, where their King, the Prince
} of Whales resides. Or they might be in the U.S. State of Minnesota,
} where they have lots of places to swim, as they have 10,000 lakes.
}
} Just remember the motto from the 1980s: "Save the whales. Collect the
} entire set." You owe The Oracle a map of Australia, where you'll find a
} state called


1545-07    (14733 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Winners don't do drugs!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And thus Madamme Herrplatzenferrigenharrer was stripped of her Nobel
} prize for designing the breakthrough, side-effect free, innovative
} chemotherapy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a squinty-shifty-shady eyed man in an overcoat on a
} street corner.


1545-08    (33516 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Twas the night before Ormas,
> When all through the 'net
> Not a creature was stirring
> Not even a marmot"
>
> That's where I'm stuck. I don't like the last line, it's a
> bit clunky. Can you help me out here? It's all for you
> anyways.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Twas the night before Ormas, on the information highway,
} Not a creature was stirring, not even Sciuridae,
} The click-bait was set in the margins just right,
} In hopes that web-users would come to their site.
}
} User-sponsored websites were set-up, all smug,
} In knowledge that users would not feel the bait's tug,
} Wikipedia, Mozilla, FSF, too,
} Had all had donations to keep their sites true.
}
} Then up in one browser there sprang such a clamour,
} I shuffled through tabs to find the wrongdoer.
} Through each open window I scrolled like a flash,
} Scanning for gifs and vids run with Flash.
}
} Even articles raving on genius of Bach,
} Could not distract me from sound of muzak.
} Then on what should my wandering eyes now alight,
} But a miniature vid advertising some tripe.
}
} With not a close button, and no visible mute,
} I knew right away it must be click-bait,
} Rapidly flashing pictures then came,
} And they tugged, and they pulled, and called me, for shame!
}
} "It's shocking, it's bizarre, celebs and their tricks,
} Doctors will hate this, have you seen Miley's knicks?
} Earn money so quickly, and watch these girls fall.
} Now click away! Click away! Click away all!"
}
} I sprang to web-settings, set a list of blocked sites,
} And away they all went like extinguished lights.
} And I loudly exclaimed, as they went out of sight,
} "Quick browsing to all, and to ads a good-night!"


1545-09    (26631 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a troll attacks me, and then makes fighting back easy, should I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will have to make a choice. The probability is about 1.2 that your
} choice will be wrong, but that's because trolls are so untrustworthy.
} Give a troll a blog, and you'll wish you hadn't. Keep the troll out of
} your blog and he'll still be there.
}
} Trolls are best managed by lying to them. Tell your troll that another
} billy goat, even fatter and more tasty than you, will be coming along
} soon.


1545-10    (13932 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Try me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh, thanks, but no thanks!
}
} I think I'll have the seared halibut instead.


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