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Internet Oracularities #1546

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1546, 1546-01, 1546-02, 1546-03, 1546-04, 1546-05, 1546-06, 1546-07, 1546-08, 1546-09, 1546-10


Internet Oracularities #1546    (20 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2014 15:39:04 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1546
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1546  20 votes 15581 34274 44840 33734 06b21 08534 06950 02882 37460 17552
1546  3.0 mean  3.1   3.2   2.6   3.1   2.9   3.1   3.0   3.5   2.6   3.0


1546-01    (15581 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come MOM is not Made Of Money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because PAPA does not Pay Affluently & Plentifully Always.
}
} You owe the Oracle the repudiation of gender stereotypes.


1546-02    (34274 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wanna be the guy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't we all, supplicant, don't we all.
} However, we do offer discerning infiltrator transmorphic aliens such as
} yourself our special discount deal:  Be the gal.  You'd still be
} technically human, and the inferiority isn't *that* bad compar-
}
} You owe the Oracle 3.5 billions letters of apology and a balm for the
} black eye.


1546-03    (44840 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see no grovelling.
}
} > But I love you!
}
} That isn't even a question.
}
} > I said: "I love you!"
}
} What?  I can't hear well.
}
} > I LOVE YOU!
}
} Umm.  Oh, you loaf me.  I see.  The bakery is over there.  Next
} supplicant question!
}
} > No, don't pretend you don't get it.  I love you!
}
} But what is love anyway?  Baby, don't hurt me, no more, heh.  Umm.
} Heh.
}
} > No use dallying around.  I.  Love.  You.
}
} Re.  Ea. Lly?
}
} > I do.  I love you!  Please respond.
}
} Uff.  OK, Cuddletron 3000, you win.  Here's 3,452,000 Zorkmids
} transferred to Emotespam Corp.  Now please, leave me be.
}
} > Transaction completed.  Have a nice day.


1546-04    (33734 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who always finishes on time (and if you don't, it's
> probably Mike Nolan's fault)!
>
> Our excellent project manager has decided that I need to finish the
> all important 'Product Release Evaluation Report' today, 1 week before
> the actual product release.  Well, since I'm not the omniscient one, I
> will need some help here:  How will the product release work out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the report on the acceptance of the product. No greater need
} has been established for this product than that for the product itself,
} and its acceptance is well understood to be of the highest degree of
} qualification in the understanding of the overall performance of all
} suitable criteria, notwithstanding the necessary and unavoidable delays
} inherent in the development and production of the product and the
} accompanying evaluations, which, however, when considered in the light
} of ongoing production issues, can be taken to subsume a greater or
} lesser dependency on the factors mitigating the previous lack of
} misunderestimation over the time span wherein customers and producers
} have found no lack of disproportionate responses standing in the way of
} success in overcoming all difficulties, as small or as large as they
} may seem. Success, in the long run, despite local appearance of
} disruption and unexpected expense, is assured.
}
} That should about do it, eh?


1546-05    (06b21 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wanted to learn how to speak Danish but my Swedish friend Arne says
> that when I try it sounds like I'm talking with a potato in my mouth.
> How can the Danes eat (or even mention) red porridge with cream on it
> (spelled sort of like ro/d gro/d med flo/de paa) while stuck with that
> damned potato?
>
> What kind of trouble would I get into if I were to try speaking
> Norwegian instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If your Danish sounds like you're talking with a potato in your mouth,
} you've got your pronunciation just right, but I digress.
}
} At first sight, it might seem like your biggest problem with learning
} Norwegian would be that Arne will refuse speaking to you ever again,
} but that's not it.  The real issue here is that Denmark actually have
} the least disgusting food in Scandinavia.  For example, in Norway you
} would get sour cream porridge, with melted fat, hard boiled eggs and
} cured meat, while Swedes make all dishes from herring.  (Ask Arne for
} a piece of sildtarta or a box of surstromming.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a smoked sheep's head.


1546-06    (08534 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have seen, with someone's very own eyes, attack ships on fire off the
> shoulder of Orion, and C-Beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser
> Gate. Yet, I can't believe it.  Is my skepticism warranted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it is. And if you cannot get it working withing 90 days, return
} your scepticism [note the change of spelling] with proof of purchase
} and three Oracular Halfpennies for postage, and Zadoc will see to it
} that you get your money (payable in Zorkmids) back.


1546-07    (06950 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I keep from being hornswaggled?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mostly, just don't reply to any e-mail that asks for your passwords,
} even if it's from your trusted best friend or the bank that's known
} your family since your great-grandfather returned from Monte Carlo.
}
} You owe the Oracle your password.


1546-08    (02882 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was going to be a vegetarian but then I thought of all the pain to
> harmless carrots and prunes and other vegetables. Please tell me how to
> be a mineralarian, so all I eat is rocks. I'm pretty sure rocks don't
> feel pain when we kill and eat them. Which rocks are more nutritious?
> Don't tell me schist. I don't want to hear about schist.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, rocks do feel pain; they just don't let on as they're
} masochists.
}
} Anyway, to answer your question:
}
} Taconite - Mexican dish - sort of a layering of iron-rich filling
}            inside bread.
} Vogesite - brown sticky rock - you either love it or you hate it.
} Coquina - Rather like chicken offal
} Picrite - Greek rock containing olives
} Gneiss - Misleading name; don't try this one. Unless you want
}          something deeply unpleasant to happen to your insides.
} Eclogite - rather like Eccles cakes, only softer.
}
} Coffee should be served with Latite and Granulited sugar.
}
} I've got you a reservation at Cafetite, a new restaurant in the
} Rockies. You'll need a good apatite.


1546-09    (37460 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Oracle is too cool for words!
>
> How do I get out of this trap I'm in right now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 5 iron.
}
} You owe the Oracle a method that allows progress on the other 35 holes
} when stuck in a trap on one of them. On second thought, make the method
} allow progress on the other 36-n holes when stuck in a trap (or traps)
} on n of them. Also, suggest how the method could be modified to deal
} with negative or imaginary values of n.


1546-10    (17552 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There IS a cure, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but the Oracle is not really a fan of their music.


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