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Internet Oracularities #1547

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1547, 1547-01, 1547-02, 1547-03, 1547-04, 1547-05, 1547-06, 1547-07, 1547-08, 1547-09, 1547-10


Internet Oracularities #1547    (21 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler)
Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2015 09:47:38 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1547
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1547  21 votes 04584 54633 04782 38451 24456 87330 17472 13566 43a22 13782
1547  3.1 mean  3.6   2.8   3.4   2.7   3.4   2.0   3.1   3.6   2.8   3.3


1547-01    (04584 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The forecast was for 60% snow on the pervious day, but we got something
> else. Where can I get a shovel for 180% snow? It's that deep. Wait, I
> can't get out of here to get the shovel. You'll have to send it. Can
> you maybe have Santa drop it down the chimney? Or is he still mythical,
> like Easter Bunnies and Oracles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your Oracle is wintering in Phoenix, Arizona. The news reached here
} that Buffalo got a year's worth of snow in a single day.
}
} Not impressed. We do that here every day.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tube of sunscreen.


1547-02    (54633 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who are the champions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are.


1547-03    (04782 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need something inspiring.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this one will be a little bit off-beat, but it should be
} inspirational.
}
} Socrates wrote down the story of Plato's Allegory of the Cave. As a
} quick refresher, Plato proposed a thought experiment of several people
} who grew up chained to seats facing a wall and never seeing anything
} that was not a shadow cast upon that wall. Plato supposed that if one
} of those people were freed and brought to the outside world to see
} the things that cast shadows and learn that things have color and
} depth to them. Later this freed person returns to the cave and tries
} to educate the others about the revelations, but they will not believe
} their eyes are deceived.
}
} The message of the Allegory is that through actual experience you can
} have dramatic life-changing revelations that change everything you
} know about the world and expand your consciousness to the point that
} your former peers have no way to comprehend the reality you have found
} out.
}
} That message is BS.
}
} Actual cases of people long confined to small spaces and then let out
} or blind from birth and given vision in adulthood, shows that new
} developments in vision are not easily incorporated into the mind.
} People without need for depth perception do not visually perceive
} depth when brought into the wide world. People who gain vision don't
} know how to use it, and see the world as a mishmish of colored shapes
} without an understanding of how, say, a person turning around is the
} same thing percieved from different angles, or what is in front of
} what, or how size changes with distance.
}
} The brain needs to learn these things in infancy or they never
} 'click'. I can hear your objections now, "There's nothing inspiring
} in that. You're just saying we are stuck how we grew up."
}
} You're half right. Almost no one in the cave truely succeeds outside
} it, but that's not where you should be looking for inspiration. Each
} successive generation is moving further and further out of the cave.
} Blindness is more easily treated. Kids don't grow up working in dark
} mines any more. The typical baby will now grow up seeing more of the
} world and from more angles and through more media than ever before.
} Parts of humanity have stepped outside of the cave and most of it will
} be living outside soon.
}
} Doesn't that just fill you with awe and make you want to help this
} great progress of your species by expanding the opportunities for the
} young to experience the world?
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing. But those movers over there, taking
} furniture out of the cave, someone's got to pay them.


1547-04    (38451 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are they called "latter day saints"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suppose I really should give you a trite and silly answer, but the
} truth is pretty weird, too.
}
} First we must consider sainthood. Normally one gets to be a saint
} within the confines of the Catholic Church. One must perform miracles,
} usually long after one is dead. For most non-Catholic Christians the
} saints were all from Long, Long Ago. Like Saint Peter or Saint Jerome.
}
} LDS saints are recent. Like YOU can be a saint. Or I can. Saint Orrie!
} Oops, that's a step downhill.
}
} You owe the Oracle a small cask of brandy, as carried by St. Bernard,
} and a promise not to make fun of religions unless they are especially
} silly. The Invisible Pink Unicorn does not, for your information,
} consider herself silly.


1547-05    (24456 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Orriedude most able and alphabetical,
>
> I know you currently use the Staff of ZOT. What happened to the Staffs
> of ZAT, ZET, and ZIT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The staff of ZAT was just a rock on the end of a stick.
} The staff of ZET was a large flint arrowhead on the end of a
} skillfully crafted wooden shaft.
} The staff of ZIT was a steel blade with a finely honed edge
} welded to a long thin polished titanium cylinder filled with
} a primitive rocket fuel.
} The staff of ZOT is an electronic concoction with the ability to send
} energy of any kind from any place in any direction for any distance
} for any purpose with any result that your Oracle desires.
}
} But don't worry. The staff of ZOT has been retired. Development
} of the staff of ZUT is nearly completed. You can safely come
} out of hiding.
}
} . . . . . . z z z z z Z Z Z Z ZOT!!
}
} The gullibility of some people never ceases to amaze. Staff of
} ZUT? That's just stupid.


1547-06    (87330 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pick a nose. Any nose.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Reminds me of that movie.
}
} SNOT: A wise idea.


1547-07    (17472 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I made two mistakes today on two separate papers, and it's all the
> fault of MS Wrod.
>
> In the paper on the Wild West, for US Culture, I wrote shogun where I
> meant shotgun.
>
> In the paper on Japan, for Asian History, I wrote shotgun where I
> meant shogun.
>
> If you could give me a single solution that would correct both there
> blunders at once I would be infernally grateful.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One word: Fusion!
}
} Write about a shotgun-wielding shogun, and you will be an innovative
} author breaking down the boundaries between established genres.
} Include some bizarre and pervert sex, and you will get actual press
} coverage too.
}
} You owe the Oracle royalties.


1547-08    (13566 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: MVS Gmail <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No, no, no, no, no! You got it all wrong! How could you have been so
> mistaken, in so many ways? And here I thought you were omniscient.
>
> Wait a minute. Hold on while I check a fact in Wikipedia.
>
> [sound of thumbing through web pages]
>
> Sorry. Seems that you were right after all. I could have sworn that
> Wikipedia would confirm my thoughts. But Wikipedia is invariably
> correct, mostly.
>
> You don't edit Wikipedia at all, do you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant, this message includes a list of questions, but its
} sources remain unclear because it has insufficient inline citations.
} Please help to improve this question by introducing more precise
} citations. You owe the Oracle a challenging response, instead of a glib
} flame.[1] [1] ^ Kinzler, Steve.  "The Internet Oracle FAQ." (1989)


1547-09    (43a22 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Tim Chew <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I funkify my career?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wear less deodorant to work.  (All right, so this answer stinks.  Sue
} me.)


1547-10    (13782 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dan@klein.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I meant to say her shirt looked "nice", but the slightly more honest
> but less subtle word "cute" came out instead.  She took the
> compliment as such, so I can't tell if I did that wrongly.  Did
> I?  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you actually asking the Oracle for advice about women and expecting
} a useful answer? Even when my incarnation is female the answer to
} your request lurks somewhere between Impossible and You Don't Even
} Want To Go There.
}
} Be a brave boy, stand your ground, and accept the consequences.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of your attempts to answer the question,
} "Do I look fat?"


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